1st day of winter

It isn’t really that cold for the first day of winter in Brisbane. I am only wearing a shirt and pants. Yesterday was colder, I was wearing a jumper all day, except when I went to sleep. Funny weather. Our weather is almost as bad as Longreach weather. In Longreach, the summers are hot like 40 degrees Celsius hot and you don’t get any relief at night. But in the winter, the day time temperatures are like 28 degrees and at night, it goes below 4 degrees. That’s pretty cold at night. Brisbane is much more temperate.

I got invited to play tennis with my cousin. I look forward to it. I don’t think I stink too much. I have urinary dribble, probably because I’m just too fat. So it makes my pants stink after 2 days of wearing them.

It is socially embarrassing when I stink at english conversation group, where there are a lot of women. It is worse when I stink on the bus, as the other passengers can’t run away from my stench, until they get off at the next stop. Such is my sloppiness of dress, which is a symptom of my schizophrenia.

I make sure I always take my medication. I don’t want to fully let myself go. Because if I stink, I make people nauseous. I apologize to all the people I’ve stunk out before.

I wish there was a vocational purpose to my life. But I think my purpose is to repent, as St Isaac the Syrian says, ‘This life has been given to you for repentance. Do not waste it in vain pursuits.’ I sure wish I had more contact with Jesus.

3 days before my depot 30/5/22

I thank those who read my blog. It is nice to know somebody cares.

It honestly would be nice to get advertising revenue, or some sort of donations. I will figure it out one day. Although I have financial security, I would like to learn how to earn money online, as I have very very limited work capacity.

I have tried volunteering at an op shop in my city. But there was a workplace bully working at that op shop. I just left without reporting her, because she works 15 hours a week, while I barely managed 2. So I felt she was a more valuable asset to the company, so I just humbly left.

Actually, I wish I had an Ikigai, which is a Japanese concept. It is a job that has 4 characteristics: something I am good at, something the world needs, something I enjoy, and something that pays money. This job is an Ikigai. But so far, all I am good at is maintaining my mental well-being through medication compliance.

I thank all those people online and in real who support my mental health recovery. God bless you all!

6 days before my next depot

Alaska Mountains by NASA Goddard Photo and Video is licensed under CC-BY 2.0

I look at this image, and realise that the world is beautiful. Since 2017, I’ve had about 65 depot injections of Invega Sustenna over a period of 5 years. So it is roughly 13 injections a year, 1 every 28 days. I am getting used to the pain. I am grateful the depot keeps me stable, more than the tablets do.

Even though I feel cold, tired, and lonely, I still realise life could be a lot worse. Without the intervention of the mental health team in 2017, I could be dead by suicide by now. I’ve required medication for over 16 years now, but since 2017 I’ve been consistently taking it. 2017 was my worst psychosis, so I really put effort into taking pills and injections.

I really recommend that nobody take the stuff I take, unless they are suicidal and there is no way out. Because without my injections, I’d be suicidal too. I have a long way to go, but I have improved a lot, too.

I hope one day to not require injections, maybe swap injections for tablets. I even more pray that by the time I’m 50 I may not require medication anymore at all! I’m 32 now, and my friends have been praying that one day I may not need medication. I thank them for their prayers.

But the future is unwritten. There is a lot of uncertainty in the world. I can’t even begin to think about navigating the aerial toll houses on my passage from earth to heaven. My sins will cast me into hell. But I have given a few alms, I have asked the prayers of Saints, I am still a member of the Greek Orthodox Churches of Brisbane. There is still much hope yet….

Losing weight on medication

What I mean by the title is, how does one lose weight on anti-psychotics? Well, it depends on the anti-psychotic the doctor prescribes you, and how your schizophrenia affects your desire to eat. Like, a well person on a low dose of olanzapine for sleep disturbance may gain weight while a severely psychotic schizophrenic on the max dose of olanzapine and paliperidone might lose weight due to anxiety experienced from constant auditory hallucinations.

I’ve heard that people respond to anxiety differently. Some people stop eating when severely anxious while others may gorge on food when anxious. So if you are the type that stops eating when anxious, it may be useful to tailor your medication to a dose that makes you well enough to stay out of hospital, but you still feel limited anxiety so that you don’t eat much.

My recommendation for myself is this: either I reduce the anti-depressant by 100mg or I reduce the injection of anti-psychotic by 50mg. I’m currently on 200mg of anti-depressant and 150mg of injectable form of anti-psychotic. My anti psychotic injection is Invega Sustenna, which is neither good nor bad for weight gain, according to my doctor. But the risk is, I may ring up the hospital for a hospital stay, and the psychiatrist will just prescribe me more fat pills.

So it is best to stay out of hospital, because a schizophrenic will just gain weight in hospital. The medication causes fat to be stored around the cheeks, stomach, and breasts, thereby giving schizophrenics the appearance of a medication belly. It’s good the meds act as chemical castratives, thereby reducing their desire to seek a partner, because the meds cause the schizophrenic to become significantly uglier, drastically reducing their chances of finding a partner.

That’s the advice of a schizophrenic for fellow schizophrenics. Hope it helps!

Schizophrenics have it very tough

I have often heard narcissistic people tell me ‘get over it,’ or ‘pull your socks up,’ when they just don’t understand mental illness. Firstly, schizophrenia (and schizoaffective disorder, too) are CHRONIC and SEVERE mental illnesses. Schizophrenics just can’t ‘snap out of it.’ The brain is sick, and what doesn’t help is social rejection by half-wits in the community and at churches. It doesn’t help that we’ll most likely die alone, without ever having a relationship.

People without mental illnesses generally suffer heightened narcissism, a lack of empathy, a lack of humility and a lack of understanding about what schizophrenics go through on a daily basis. Not only that, but the mental health system is like the police service, they don’t do a good job.

2 things you can do to relieve a schizophrenic; DON’T FORCE MEDICATION DOWN THEIR THROATS. That is biological rape. And also, don’t spit in their faces, because if you had their condition, you’d be dead already in the grave from suicide. SO SHUT UP AND STOP BLAMING US FOR OUR CONDITION!!!!!!

My life so far 10/10/21

I did two things today, saw my relatives on my mom’s side, then saw my relatives on my dad’s side. Even though it was a Sunday, I didn’t go to church today. Lazy me. I felt emotionally crippled after my last confession.

My life is a tragedy. I am coping only by taking chemical lobotomies. It’s not a good way to live life or to deal with one’s problems. Of course, there are no solutions to my problems. If there were, I wouldn’t of needed to go on meds in the first place.

Well, I suppose I still have friends. Only one friend from my old high school. She treats me ok. The others disowned me, as I have a lack of respect towards others. I have friends from my English conversation class who are married. I have a few mentally ill friends. God bless them all.

My uncle asked ‘who reads your blogs?’ Well, not many people. Not enough to get advertising revenue on WordPress. Sigh, sad isn’t it? I haven’t got much potential.

It is really difficult for me to make new friends, as I am socially disabled, and I’m ashamed of my attempts to meet women in the past when I was manic. I feel so ashamed it impacts my self-esteem now. I really wish God hadn’t of had to teach me a lesson so badly through social rejection. Guess the solitary life is the life for me.

God bless all the social rejects out there, who are declining in functionality, like me.

Diary entries 30/3/21 to 1/4/21

These diary entries are usually heavily edited from the original, so anything cringeworthy is removed. My life is rather uneventful, but due to my autism spectrum disorder, I do not conduct myself in an admirable way at all times.

30/3/21

First 24 hours gone by of a 72 hour lockdown. I think the lockdown will be extended. The world is getting tired of lockdowns, but I’m glad Australia cares about the weak.

My mother’s mother passed away a few days ago. Eternal be her memory. May her soul rest in peace. Life is a nightmare. We could not of served Jesus any better.

31/3/21

Towards the end of grandma’s life, I neglected sending letters to her. Poor grandma. I hope her soul is ok, wherever she is now. Eternal be her memory. May God grant rest to her soul.

This is the 2nd day of lockdown, which is likely to be extended, because of bad behaviour of a few Queenslanders. Lord, have mercy. Please do not let the anti-christ come. Have mercy on us all.

1/4/21

When I wake up, I do not even remember what year it is. 2007? 2013? The year I lost my soul in 2006 to mental illness? I spent most of my life in negligence. Even before 2006 I was negligent. In 2004 I didn’t even study or do housework, I just sat at home between school hours playing computer games.

I have always been possessed by the demon of sloth. I have very poor energy, unless I’m manic. I have never been able to work full-time or part-time. Even the old health food shop at Woolloongabba called ‘Miss’s Flanneries,’ wouldn’t accept me for a job interview. I must of looked really out of it back then.

Things seemed easier when I was 60kg. Maybe it was because I was manic then, I seemed to get a lot of things done back when I was in Air Force Cadets 219 squadron. Now 15 years on, my life was such a waste. I pray God has mercy on me and my friends.

The Piano

This is me playing the piano very poorly. The circuits in my brain have been corroded by overmedicating. I sincerely wish that nobody would have to take anti-psychotics long term. Anti-depressants may be ok for a few years, but then a person should get back on their feet and live their life. I haven’t taken drugs, alcohol or cigarettes, but yet I caught schizoaffective disorder at 16 years old. Something must of gone very wrong with my thinking.

Schizoaffective disorder means schizophrenia with a mood component. Or otherwise known as half schizophrenia, half bipolar mood disorder. The best of both worlds. So it is a nightmare to have, and sometimes, I try to loosen up, with disastrous consequences. Basically, when you are in the ‘schizo’ classification of disorders, you can not be yourself around anybody, unless you want to make a fool of yourself or be reported to the police. You always got to think before you speak. It is a huge cross.

Oh well, maybe reincarnation is true and I will get a better rebirth in the next life. But I’m not certain about Buddhist theology. I believe in this life, then heaven or hell.

I wish I was enlightened

When I was young, I wanted the enlightenment of the Buddhist monk, and the courage of the kung fu master. Now that I’ve grown up, I really wish I just had a purpose in life.

I really don’t live a ‘purpose-driven life’ by the same title of Rick Warren’s book. I couldn’t succeed in Christianity. I couldn’t succeed in Orthodoxy. I couldn’t succeed in Buddhism. I couldn’t succeed in life.

Maybe there will be some ad revenue on my blog once August is over. Not likely. My blogs are fairly boring. Life seems so full of despair, but the depression is manageable on medication. Mindfulness meditations do help as well.

The Buddhist state of ‘enlightenment’ is the ultimate aim of the Buddhist life, same as ‘Theosis’ is the aim of the Orthodox life. My former confessor said that when one achieved Theosis that person believed he was the worst of sinners. How to know one truly thinks of themselves as the worst of sinners is when you don’t judge others no matter what.

Theosis is attained by communing, confessing, fasting, praying, giving alms, and most importantly by practising the Jesus prayer. You must do all these things with repentance, or else they will all be useless. I was told not to pray the Jesus prayer because I’m a schizophrenic. The justifications I’ve been given for that are not adequate, concluding that it may be a demonic prayer.

So I never much pray the Jesus prayer. I pray in my own words, because I have more virtue than the Orthodox Christian who goes to Church every Sunday. Often, Sunday Orthodox Christians have a false virtue, because they bless God, yet curse the disabled and homeless man.

Such is the pitiable state of the Orthodox Churches in my city.

Diary entries 24/3/21 to 26/3/21

24/3/21

I’m glad I do donate to charity every now and then. Gives something for my money to do. I went with my support worker to the library and read the book titled ‘God is good for you.’ It said that Christians give 4 times as much to charity as non-religious people do. Makes me glad I fear God and the coming judgement.

25/3/21

Hold it together, James. You have got so much to live for. You must avoid death at all costs, for when you die, then the torments start. I doubt I will ever see paradise. Only the Saints get into heaven. You tried, you tried, you were not found worthy. Just stay in the community without consuming valuable hospital resources which could be allocated to someone more valuable than yourself.

26/3/21

Today was a better day than yesterday. I was praised by my friends at an English conversation group. They said I was a really good person.

The English conversation group is off for 3 weeks due to school holidays. Hope the teachers have a nice break.

Love one another. This is the great commandment from Jesus Christ. For if I don’t love others, how can I love God?