On the end times

The universe is vast. I wish I lived in an era when we could explore the stars. Earth is so boring.

I always used to watch Star Trek and Stargate as a child. I don’t miss those shows. I miss the times when I wasn’t mentally ill. Oh well, guess that is the way the cookie crumbles.

I had my depot injection today. The doctor told me to look on the bright side of life.

But to be honest with you, on pertaining to the title, I couldn’t survive the reign of the anti-christ. Even had I received the mark, I’d probably be killed for being a sheer waste of space.

I am a coward. I actually have no virtue, but I call myself a Saint, because I can not cope with the outcome of my life. Yes, as my support worker says, I have no manliness. But I am so depressed, at least I haven’t committed suicide yet.

But I can not endure persecution. I’d just submit to the enemies of Christ. I personally am quite upset with Christ for giving me mental illness. Therefore I’d submit to the anti-christ, because I am too weak to cope with anything.

That is mental illness, oh world. I pray none of you reading this blog get schizophrenia.

I feel better today

I’m glad nobody cares for my ranting. You are all so kind to me.

I might ask the doctor for more anti-psychotics. I’m starting to get erotic hallucinations. I have a delusion that I’m God’s gift to women.

I hallucinated that a gorgeous young lady said hello to me at the bus stop. But when I talked to her, she seemed very disinterested. Not all is as it seems.

I’m plain ugly, that’s why.

About my ideas

Ok, so I was glancing back at a few of my blog posts and remembered one where I claimed I was perfect.

I believe when you come across most of the posts of mine, you should take it with a grain of salt. I know I can not get through the aerial toll-houses.

So, in my schizophrenia, I have delusions that I am perfect, a Saint, but yet going to hell. Hell is a reality I believe in, because I find it very very hard to forgive others. Jesus said ‘forgive, and you shall be forgiven.’ St Francis of Assisi said ‘for it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.’

My own self has become hell, as I venerate myself, just so I don’t break down and cry when thinking of the amount of dishonour I’ve received as a disabled person.

I think a desert father once said ‘you know a man is overcome by the spirit of vainglory when he cries at the many insults he has received.’ I actually don’t know how to overcome vainglory, or pride.

St John Cassian in his ‘conferences’ tells monks to ‘avoid bishops and women,’ to overcome vainglory. I will ask my priest what that means.

Ok that last factoid about the conferences I’m not 100% sure about.

I’m just a schizophrenic who reads a lot of religious texts.

My cadet experience

I don’t remember much of it now, but I served as a cadet between April 2005 and February 2006. I wonder if it contributed to my breakdown.

I remember the warrant officer saying while I was on drill ‘something’s wrong with that cadet.’ I remember another warrant officer saying ‘I’m going to murder you.’

I’m glad to have that cadet experience. It taught me not to join the real army.

I remember a lot of shouting done by the senior cadets at the junior cadets. I even was involved in a car crash where I got a minor laceration to the side of my head! It was the CO’s fault that the car crashed at wide bay training area.

My mum was particularly angry with the CO because of that. I told him to give her a call, to explain what exactly happened in that car.

Maybe the minor laceration also contributed to my schizophrenia.

I actually liked the CO. He did shout at the cadet squadron once, after the car crash. He was stressed out of his brains.

I did not want to sue him. As it is written ‘turn the other cheek.’ I’m paying for the consequences up to this date. But I might of received all this because I’m a bad person, who used to bully people in primary and high school.

I guess I’m not virtuous.

This is the day of my depot. Wish me luck.

Worried about conscription

I hope that if Australia goes to war in WW3, I won’t get called upon to serve. I have 7 months worth of cadet experience in a training facility in Brisbane. I served there when I was manic. I hated it. It probably contributed to my schizophrenia.

The best thing about being in cadets was I learnt to appreciate the other 6 days of the week when I wasn’t at cadets. Cadets normally occurred once a week on a Friday. I was so skinny back then from stress.

I do not support the war in Ukraine, nor the Russian military draft. Putin has a big ego…

Hallucinations

I might be good at talking about myself, but maybe I’m not so good at choosing titles for blog articles.

My mom said when I first came out of the mental institute in 2006 I could only talk about 2 things: Japanese girls and religion. Now I can only talk about one thing: myself.

I remember the cruelty with which I treated fellow students in primary and high school. I hallucinated insults coming from their mouths, when in fact they might of said nothing at all.

The other kids at primary school weren’t violent, and the kids at high school would of left me alone if I kept to myself and minded my own business. The ladies would of been more comfortable if I stayed in my own little corner than try to interact with them.

I was doing tai chi, tae kwon do, air force cadets and high school just before I broke down. Fancy that. I had so much going for me, yet I ended up jobless on a disability support pension. Sure shows how life can turn out for some people.

Hey! I can touch my toes!

For some reason, I can touch my toes. My legs don’t look 100% straight. And my back is bent wayyyy over.

I might upload a video of me doing push ups, to see how many I can do on extra medication. In the description of this YouTube video, I list what meds I’m on.

Meds slow me down, but they prevent me from going manic and becoming violent. I still haven’t learnt how to truly forgive. Each day, I think about the bad things that have happened to me. Not deliberately, they just pop into my mind out of nowhere.

Such is the life of a schizophrenic.

My obesity

This is roughly how I look. I am not flexible compared to people who do regular martial arts classes. However, I am more flexible than my mom and dad, who are in their 60s. What an achievement.

I am on the disability support pension for psychiatric impairment. I do have a slow metabolism. The reason I don’t lose weight is because the medication gives me an appetite. At my slow metabolic rate, I have to go a day without eating in order to lose weight. I pretty much have to starve myself.

Starving myself is not fun, unless I have no appetite caused by medication reduction and subsequent stress. If I go off my anti-depressant, but stay on my depot injection of anti-psychotics, then I will hear voices in the background in my room from out the window. It will give the illusion that the neighbours are constantly talking about me. But now I know it is just my sickness.

My mind doesn’t play tricks on me so much now, otherwise I wouldn’t even go to the shopping mall with my support worker, as I’d be so afraid of the voices.

Bugging people

A nice lady on WordPress complimented me and said I was good at writing. I feel blessed by the compliment!

Strangely, when I was just writing the above sentence, I was thinking about a dream I had recently. I was yelling curses at a high school assembly, and I was so scared that they’d blow me up! But then I woke up, I think.

Anyway, that nice friend had a blog on marketing. I have made about 5 AUD in art sales and 45 AUD in book sales. I sold a worthless art piece that I drew for 5 AUD in a mental health art exhibition. I sold about 7 books, 5 for 5 AUD each 2 for 10 AUD each.

I was trying to sell more books at an English conversation group last Friday. I definitely felt like I was bugging people! They are just unused books that I’ve finished reading. The people at the conversation group didn’t want to buy the books. So sad for me! Fortunately, I’m still receiving a disability support pension, so that is keeping me afloat.

I receive the disability support pension because I have psychiatric impairment. I tried to kill myself in 2006, 2007 and 2017. Those are when I had psychotic episodes.

I haven’t made any money through PayPal donations. I almost sold some more artwork, but the buyer refused to meet up, so I didn’t get to sell them to that person!

If you want to help me, my paypal is paypal.me/iakovoskriegor

God bless all of you!

Schizophrenia

I have schizoaffective disorder, personally. Schizoaffective disorder is either half bipolar half schizophrenia or half schizophrenia half depression. I have the manic-depressive type.

Well, as I always try to tell myself, it is meant to teach me humility. God sends me both Christians and non-Christians who dishonour me, to make sure I am humbled by their caustic words!

Well, when I do not think I am a Saint, but seriously think I am the worst of sinners, then I will be at the summit of virtue.

Humility can be a craving for insults, and a thirst for dishonours. I still pray one day I may have humility!