2 days after depot

I feel 50% better since yesterday’s sore throat. I partly attribute this to the amount of vaccines I’ve received. I’ve had my yearly flu shot, and I’ve been triple vaxxed against Covid.

I am now taking 3mg paliperidone tablets on top of my 150mg Invega Sustenna Depot injection. This is so that I can better control mania associated with my schizoaffective disorder, so I am not yelling to myself too much nor annoying women in my life too much.

I specially asked the GP for extra tablets. These tablets had already been recommended by my psychiatrist a year ago.

I feel I should get used to a lot of medications, so I learn to deal with increased appetite associated with heavy medicating. That is what the government will do to me if I end up in mental health jail.

Disabilities

The feels. Most of the time, I hurt in the feels.

I struggle to make new friends, because I receive social rejection once people find out I’m a schizophrenic on a pension.

So, life is boring. It’s 2 days away from my mandatory government injection of anti-psychotic medication.

Pretty dismal…

Oh well…

Schizoaffective

A psychiatrist once said that schizoaffective disorder had a better outcome than schizophrenia. I think he was wrong. It’s ok to be depressed, as you keep to yourself, but it’s not ok to be manic, where you act socially inappropriate.

During a manic episode, the schizoaffective is NOT joyful, content, or happy. They are still suffering, but they have bloated confidence, so they are less afraid to express their hidden violent tendencies. The schizoaffective may see a police officer in the street, hallucinate they said something rude to them, then may attack them, getting himself knocked out in the process. Mania is not good for you.

As much as I disapprove of what police officers do, based on reports by friends of the family of how police officers have spoken to them and treated them, police officers are not as bad as police in other countries. If you don’t commit a crime, they will leave you alone.

1st day of winter

It isn’t really that cold for the first day of winter in Brisbane. I am only wearing a shirt and pants. Yesterday was colder, I was wearing a jumper all day, except when I went to sleep. Funny weather. Our weather is almost as bad as Longreach weather. In Longreach, the summers are hot like 40 degrees Celsius hot and you don’t get any relief at night. But in the winter, the day time temperatures are like 28 degrees and at night, it goes below 4 degrees. That’s pretty cold at night. Brisbane is much more temperate.

I got invited to play tennis with my cousin. I look forward to it. I don’t think I stink too much. I have urinary dribble, probably because I’m just too fat. So it makes my pants stink after 2 days of wearing them.

It is socially embarrassing when I stink at english conversation group, where there are a lot of women. It is worse when I stink on the bus, as the other passengers can’t run away from my stench, until they get off at the next stop. Such is my sloppiness of dress, which is a symptom of my schizophrenia.

I make sure I always take my medication. I don’t want to fully let myself go. Because if I stink, I make people nauseous. I apologize to all the people I’ve stunk out before.

I wish there was a vocational purpose to my life. But I think my purpose is to repent, as St Isaac the Syrian says, ‘This life has been given to you for repentance. Do not waste it in vain pursuits.’ I sure wish I had more contact with Jesus.

3 days before my depot 30/5/22

I thank those who read my blog. It is nice to know somebody cares.

It honestly would be nice to get advertising revenue, or some sort of donations. I will figure it out one day. Although I have financial security, I would like to learn how to earn money online, as I have very very limited work capacity.

I have tried volunteering at an op shop in my city. But there was a workplace bully working at that op shop. I just left without reporting her, because she works 15 hours a week, while I barely managed 2. So I felt she was a more valuable asset to the company, so I just humbly left.

Actually, I wish I had an Ikigai, which is a Japanese concept. It is a job that has 4 characteristics: something I am good at, something the world needs, something I enjoy, and something that pays money. This job is an Ikigai. But so far, all I am good at is maintaining my mental well-being through medication compliance.

I thank all those people online and in real who support my mental health recovery. God bless you all!

6 days before my next depot

Alaska Mountains by NASA Goddard Photo and Video is licensed under CC-BY 2.0

I look at this image, and realise that the world is beautiful. Since 2017, I’ve had about 65 depot injections of Invega Sustenna over a period of 5 years. So it is roughly 13 injections a year, 1 every 28 days. I am getting used to the pain. I am grateful the depot keeps me stable, more than the tablets do.

Even though I feel cold, tired, and lonely, I still realise life could be a lot worse. Without the intervention of the mental health team in 2017, I could be dead by suicide by now. I’ve required medication for over 16 years now, but since 2017 I’ve been consistently taking it. 2017 was my worst psychosis, so I really put effort into taking pills and injections.

I really recommend that nobody take the stuff I take, unless they are suicidal and there is no way out. Because without my injections, I’d be suicidal too. I have a long way to go, but I have improved a lot, too.

I hope one day to not require injections, maybe swap injections for tablets. I even more pray that by the time I’m 50 I may not require medication anymore at all! I’m 32 now, and my friends have been praying that one day I may not need medication. I thank them for their prayers.

But the future is unwritten. There is a lot of uncertainty in the world. I can’t even begin to think about navigating the aerial toll houses on my passage from earth to heaven. My sins will cast me into hell. But I have given a few alms, I have asked the prayers of Saints, I am still a member of the Greek Orthodox Churches of Brisbane. There is still much hope yet….

Losing weight on medication

What I mean by the title is, how does one lose weight on anti-psychotics? Well, it depends on the anti-psychotic the doctor prescribes you, and how your schizophrenia affects your desire to eat. Like, a well person on a low dose of olanzapine for sleep disturbance may gain weight while a severely psychotic schizophrenic on the max dose of olanzapine and paliperidone might lose weight due to anxiety experienced from constant auditory hallucinations.

I’ve heard that people respond to anxiety differently. Some people stop eating when severely anxious while others may gorge on food when anxious. So if you are the type that stops eating when anxious, it may be useful to tailor your medication to a dose that makes you well enough to stay out of hospital, but you still feel limited anxiety so that you don’t eat much.

My recommendation for myself is this: either I reduce the anti-depressant by 100mg or I reduce the injection of anti-psychotic by 50mg. I’m currently on 200mg of anti-depressant and 150mg of injectable form of anti-psychotic. My anti psychotic injection is Invega Sustenna, which is neither good nor bad for weight gain, according to my doctor. But the risk is, I may ring up the hospital for a hospital stay, and the psychiatrist will just prescribe me more fat pills.

So it is best to stay out of hospital, because a schizophrenic will just gain weight in hospital. The medication causes fat to be stored around the cheeks, stomach, and breasts, thereby giving schizophrenics the appearance of a medication belly. It’s good the meds act as chemical castratives, thereby reducing their desire to seek a partner, because the meds cause the schizophrenic to become significantly uglier, drastically reducing their chances of finding a partner.

That’s the advice of a schizophrenic for fellow schizophrenics. Hope it helps!

Schizophrenics have it very tough

I have often heard narcissistic people tell me ‘get over it,’ or ‘pull your socks up,’ when they just don’t understand mental illness. Firstly, schizophrenia (and schizoaffective disorder, too) are CHRONIC and SEVERE mental illnesses. Schizophrenics just can’t ‘snap out of it.’ The brain is sick, and what doesn’t help is social rejection by half-wits in the community and at churches. It doesn’t help that we’ll most likely die alone, without ever having a relationship.

People without mental illnesses generally suffer heightened narcissism, a lack of empathy, a lack of humility and a lack of understanding about what schizophrenics go through on a daily basis. Not only that, but the mental health system is like the police service, they don’t do a good job.

2 things you can do to relieve a schizophrenic; DON’T FORCE MEDICATION DOWN THEIR THROATS. That is biological rape. And also, don’t spit in their faces, because if you had their condition, you’d be dead already in the grave from suicide. SO SHUT UP AND STOP BLAMING US FOR OUR CONDITION!!!!!!

My life so far 10/10/21

I did two things today, saw my relatives on my mom’s side, then saw my relatives on my dad’s side. Even though it was a Sunday, I didn’t go to church today. Lazy me. I felt emotionally crippled after my last confession.

My life is a tragedy. I am coping only by taking chemical lobotomies. It’s not a good way to live life or to deal with one’s problems. Of course, there are no solutions to my problems. If there were, I wouldn’t of needed to go on meds in the first place.

Well, I suppose I still have friends. Only one friend from my old high school. She treats me ok. The others disowned me, as I have a lack of respect towards others. I have friends from my English conversation class who are married. I have a few mentally ill friends. God bless them all.

My uncle asked ‘who reads your blogs?’ Well, not many people. Not enough to get advertising revenue on WordPress. Sigh, sad isn’t it? I haven’t got much potential.

It is really difficult for me to make new friends, as I am socially disabled, and I’m ashamed of my attempts to meet women in the past when I was manic. I feel so ashamed it impacts my self-esteem now. I really wish God hadn’t of had to teach me a lesson so badly through social rejection. Guess the solitary life is the life for me.

God bless all the social rejects out there, who are declining in functionality, like me.

Diary entries 30/3/21 to 1/4/21

These diary entries are usually heavily edited from the original, so anything cringeworthy is removed. My life is rather uneventful, but due to my autism spectrum disorder, I do not conduct myself in an admirable way at all times.

30/3/21

First 24 hours gone by of a 72 hour lockdown. I think the lockdown will be extended. The world is getting tired of lockdowns, but I’m glad Australia cares about the weak.

My mother’s mother passed away a few days ago. Eternal be her memory. May her soul rest in peace. Life is a nightmare. We could not of served Jesus any better.

31/3/21

Towards the end of grandma’s life, I neglected sending letters to her. Poor grandma. I hope her soul is ok, wherever she is now. Eternal be her memory. May God grant rest to her soul.

This is the 2nd day of lockdown, which is likely to be extended, because of bad behaviour of a few Queenslanders. Lord, have mercy. Please do not let the anti-christ come. Have mercy on us all.

1/4/21

When I wake up, I do not even remember what year it is. 2007? 2013? The year I lost my soul in 2006 to mental illness? I spent most of my life in negligence. Even before 2006 I was negligent. In 2004 I didn’t even study or do housework, I just sat at home between school hours playing computer games.

I have always been possessed by the demon of sloth. I have very poor energy, unless I’m manic. I have never been able to work full-time or part-time. Even the old health food shop at Woolloongabba called ‘Miss’s Flanneries,’ wouldn’t accept me for a job interview. I must of looked really out of it back then.

Things seemed easier when I was 60kg. Maybe it was because I was manic then, I seemed to get a lot of things done back when I was in Air Force Cadets 219 squadron. Now 15 years on, my life was such a waste. I pray God has mercy on me and my friends.