My life so far 10/10/21

I did two things today, saw my relatives on my mom’s side, then saw my relatives on my dad’s side. Even though it was a Sunday, I didn’t go to church today. Lazy me. I felt emotionally crippled after my last confession.

My life is a tragedy. I am coping only by taking chemical lobotomies. It’s not a good way to live life or to deal with one’s problems. Of course, there are no solutions to my problems. If there were, I wouldn’t of needed to go on meds in the first place.

Well, I suppose I still have friends. Only one friend from my old high school. She treats me ok. The others disowned me, as I have a lack of respect towards others. I have friends from my English conversation class who are married. I have a few mentally ill friends. God bless them all.

My uncle asked ‘who reads your blogs?’ Well, not many people. Not enough to get advertising revenue on WordPress. Sigh, sad isn’t it? I haven’t got much potential.

It is really difficult for me to make new friends, as I am socially disabled, and I’m ashamed of my attempts to meet women in the past when I was manic. I feel so ashamed it impacts my self-esteem now. I really wish God hadn’t of had to teach me a lesson so badly through social rejection. Guess the solitary life is the life for me.

God bless all the social rejects out there, who are declining in functionality, like me.

Diary entries 30/3/21 to 1/4/21

These diary entries are usually heavily edited from the original, so anything cringeworthy is removed. My life is rather uneventful, but due to my autism spectrum disorder, I do not conduct myself in an admirable way at all times.

30/3/21

First 24 hours gone by of a 72 hour lockdown. I think the lockdown will be extended. The world is getting tired of lockdowns, but I’m glad Australia cares about the weak.

My mother’s mother passed away a few days ago. Eternal be her memory. May her soul rest in peace. Life is a nightmare. We could not of served Jesus any better.

31/3/21

Towards the end of grandma’s life, I neglected sending letters to her. Poor grandma. I hope her soul is ok, wherever she is now. Eternal be her memory. May God grant rest to her soul.

This is the 2nd day of lockdown, which is likely to be extended, because of bad behaviour of a few Queenslanders. Lord, have mercy. Please do not let the anti-christ come. Have mercy on us all.

1/4/21

When I wake up, I do not even remember what year it is. 2007? 2013? The year I lost my soul in 2006 to mental illness? I spent most of my life in negligence. Even before 2006 I was negligent. In 2004 I didn’t even study or do housework, I just sat at home between school hours playing computer games.

I have always been possessed by the demon of sloth. I have very poor energy, unless I’m manic. I have never been able to work full-time or part-time. Even the old health food shop at Woolloongabba called ‘Miss’s Flanneries,’ wouldn’t accept me for a job interview. I must of looked really out of it back then.

Things seemed easier when I was 60kg. Maybe it was because I was manic then, I seemed to get a lot of things done back when I was in Air Force Cadets 219 squadron. Now 15 years on, my life was such a waste. I pray God has mercy on me and my friends.

The Piano

This is me playing the piano very poorly. The circuits in my brain have been corroded by overmedicating. I sincerely wish that nobody would have to take anti-psychotics long term. Anti-depressants may be ok for a few years, but then a person should get back on their feet and live their life. I haven’t taken drugs, alcohol or cigarettes, but yet I caught schizoaffective disorder at 16 years old. Something must of gone very wrong with my thinking.

Schizoaffective disorder means schizophrenia with a mood component. Or otherwise known as half schizophrenia, half bipolar mood disorder. The best of both worlds. So it is a nightmare to have, and sometimes, I try to loosen up, with disastrous consequences. Basically, when you are in the ‘schizo’ classification of disorders, you can not be yourself around anybody, unless you want to make a fool of yourself or be reported to the police. You always got to think before you speak. It is a huge cross.

Oh well, maybe reincarnation is true and I will get a better rebirth in the next life. But I’m not certain about Buddhist theology. I believe in this life, then heaven or hell.

I wish I was enlightened

When I was young, I wanted the enlightenment of the Buddhist monk, and the courage of the kung fu master. Now that I’ve grown up, I really wish I just had a purpose in life.

I really don’t live a ‘purpose-driven life’ by the same title of Rick Warren’s book. I couldn’t succeed in Christianity. I couldn’t succeed in Orthodoxy. I couldn’t succeed in Buddhism. I couldn’t succeed in life.

Maybe there will be some ad revenue on my blog once August is over. Not likely. My blogs are fairly boring. Life seems so full of despair, but the depression is manageable on medication. Mindfulness meditations do help as well.

The Buddhist state of ‘enlightenment’ is the ultimate aim of the Buddhist life, same as ‘Theosis’ is the aim of the Orthodox life. My former confessor said that when one achieved Theosis that person believed he was the worst of sinners. How to know one truly thinks of themselves as the worst of sinners is when you don’t judge others no matter what.

Theosis is attained by communing, confessing, fasting, praying, giving alms, and most importantly by practising the Jesus prayer. You must do all these things with repentance, or else they will all be useless. I was told not to pray the Jesus prayer because I’m a schizophrenic. The justifications I’ve been given for that are not adequate, concluding that it may be a demonic prayer.

So I never much pray the Jesus prayer. I pray in my own words, because I have more virtue than the Orthodox Christian who goes to Church every Sunday. Often, Sunday Orthodox Christians have a false virtue, because they bless God, yet curse the disabled and homeless man.

Such is the pitiable state of the Orthodox Churches in my city.

Diary entries 24/3/21 to 26/3/21

24/3/21

I’m glad I do donate to charity every now and then. Gives something for my money to do. I went with my support worker to the library and read the book titled ‘God is good for you.’ It said that Christians give 4 times as much to charity as non-religious people do. Makes me glad I fear God and the coming judgement.

25/3/21

Hold it together, James. You have got so much to live for. You must avoid death at all costs, for when you die, then the torments start. I doubt I will ever see paradise. Only the Saints get into heaven. You tried, you tried, you were not found worthy. Just stay in the community without consuming valuable hospital resources which could be allocated to someone more valuable than yourself.

26/3/21

Today was a better day than yesterday. I was praised by my friends at an English conversation group. They said I was a really good person.

The English conversation group is off for 3 weeks due to school holidays. Hope the teachers have a nice break.

Love one another. This is the great commandment from Jesus Christ. For if I don’t love others, how can I love God?

I miss the times when I actually enjoyed life….

If I tried to write about not being mentally ill, I would have very little clue how to do it; and if I did write about it, it would sound too fake. Sigh, what shall I do with my life?

I’d just say play it safe. I have a lot of regrets about the foolish and evil things I’ve said to others in the past. They were usually people much tougher than me, and I’m glad I didn’t end up in the emergency department with broken bones!

Sigh, life. If I could write a book about my life, I would. That is if I could write a book about anything.

I am sort of getting behind in my life of online blogging. My blog on WordPress and my YouTube channel are of low, unenhanced quality, so I get very few views, and even less subscribers. To start making money from advertising on YouTube, you need 1000 subscribers and 4000 hours worth of viewing time in the last year. That is the algorithm that calculates whether your channel is worth watching or not.

I don’t even know how the paid advertising works on WordPress. I only serve like 100 ads to my viewers per month, and I get 0 dollars to my PayPal. Guess 100 views a month is too small.

But now that I’m not manic, do I actually enjoy anything? I wouldn’t say I enjoy computer games. I just play them to not be too tormented by boredom. It is a struggle to get to and from church, let alone stand for the English Divine Liturgy in the Greek Orthodox Church which goes for 75 minutes, roughly.

I would do a martial art class, but I run out of energy just walking to the venue where it is held. I must lack Chi energy. Chi as in Qi Gong energy.

The more I vegetate on my bed, the weaker and weaker my muscles become. I have moderate function, I wouldn’t call myself a high functioning autistic, as I can neither work nor drive a car. I am afraid of my own shadow.

If I wrote a song about how I feel, the chorus would go ‘nobody cares…’ Oh well, better luck for me next reincarnation….

I need help with my life

I really need to have ambition, not a lack of it. The psychiatrist says that negative symptoms of schizophrenia include lack of drive and lack of enjoyment in activities one would usually find enjoyable. Well, maybe the good thing is that it keeps me from going manic. Not that I’m truly happy when manic. Being mentally ill is a dishonour I struggle to bear.

I kinda wonder, ‘is playing civilisation 4 all that there is for a mentally ill person? Is lying on the bed for a great deal of time looking at the ceiling a natural part of being mentally ill?’ I try and attribute my boredom due to a lack of activities in Brisbane City. That is untrue. I’m just not willing to try new things.

I suppose it is just best to play it safe, then….

My best sparring video

This is my best video of me sparring with my friend. The video was recorded by my other friend. Funnily enough, even though I suffer from schizophrenia and autism, I still have at least 2 friends.

I say it is the best, mainly because my legs are most flexible in this video. I do stretching mainly once every 2 days, but it is not enough for me to get flexible. I’m still too unfit to join a class. I do not drive, so I must take bus to potential martial arts classes, so the walking to and from bus stops is a bit difficult, combined with the hardships of the martial arts classes, coupled with the fact that I’m just under 120kg or around 270 pounds.

Hope I can earn a dollar from advertising revenue…

Diary entries 28/01/21 to 31/01/21

I don’t think anybody would even care about my blog. I just paid a subscription to a premium account, hope I can make a dollar or two. Anyway, more writings of a madman.

28/01/21

Man, summer is hot. I really don’t like Brisbane summers, even though they are quite temperate. I never liked summers since I became obese. I could stand summers until about 15 years ago, when I started gaining weight due to increased hunger due to medication side effects. Fortunately, I have air conditioning in my room now.

29/01/21

This year is 2021 not 2020, which I have to keep reminding myself with. What a pitiful state I’m in! What thoughts shall I share for today? I better go read my EOB, or Eastern Orthodox Bible. I really lack the focus to press on!

31/01/21

I forgot to write a diary entry for yesterday, which is of no consequence. I’m trying to write down my wisdom and my thoughts.

Those who can forgive everybody perfectly from the heart are greater than those who can raise the dead.

Yesterday I went to a Russian Church in South Brisbane for a vigil. Today I went to a Presbyterian Church in my city to be with my mom’s friends.

Diary entrees 26/01/21 to 27/01/21

These are the first of my recorded diary entrees. They are the diary entrees of a madman, but who takes his medication. The names of people I have omitted.

26/01/21

Today starts my diary, which was recommended by my support worker from the NDIS. Today I was with my support worker. I went with him to Wellington Point. Before that, he drove me to Chatterbox at Mount Gravatt Plaza to order a salad sandwich for myself.

My thoughts for today are: I must only take one day at a time, be grateful for all God has given me, and being glad I’m still alive. The vaccine for Covid 19 is scheduled to be rolled out here soon, I have some misgivings about it. God be merciful to us all.

27/01/21

Life is long, and the journey endless. I don’t think I will rejoice in my old age. I wrote this entry when the day just started. I woke up late, after a good night’s sleep. I need to call my support coordinator, to reschedule a time for my support worker to come over, as I will be at the Gold Coast next Tuesday. May God have mercy on us all.