2 days after depot

I feel 50% better since yesterday’s sore throat. I partly attribute this to the amount of vaccines I’ve received. I’ve had my yearly flu shot, and I’ve been triple vaxxed against Covid.

I am now taking 3mg paliperidone tablets on top of my 150mg Invega Sustenna Depot injection. This is so that I can better control mania associated with my schizoaffective disorder, so I am not yelling to myself too much nor annoying women in my life too much.

I specially asked the GP for extra tablets. These tablets had already been recommended by my psychiatrist a year ago.

I feel I should get used to a lot of medications, so I learn to deal with increased appetite associated with heavy medicating. That is what the government will do to me if I end up in mental health jail.

Disabilities

The feels. Most of the time, I hurt in the feels.

I struggle to make new friends, because I receive social rejection once people find out I’m a schizophrenic on a pension.

So, life is boring. It’s 2 days away from my mandatory government injection of anti-psychotic medication.

Pretty dismal…

Oh well…

Schizoaffective

A psychiatrist once said that schizoaffective disorder had a better outcome than schizophrenia. I think he was wrong. It’s ok to be depressed, as you keep to yourself, but it’s not ok to be manic, where you act socially inappropriate.

During a manic episode, the schizoaffective is NOT joyful, content, or happy. They are still suffering, but they have bloated confidence, so they are less afraid to express their hidden violent tendencies. The schizoaffective may see a police officer in the street, hallucinate they said something rude to them, then may attack them, getting himself knocked out in the process. Mania is not good for you.

As much as I disapprove of what police officers do, based on reports by friends of the family of how police officers have spoken to them and treated them, police officers are not as bad as police in other countries. If you don’t commit a crime, they will leave you alone.

Schizophrenics have it very tough

I have often heard narcissistic people tell me ‘get over it,’ or ‘pull your socks up,’ when they just don’t understand mental illness. Firstly, schizophrenia (and schizoaffective disorder, too) are CHRONIC and SEVERE mental illnesses. Schizophrenics just can’t ‘snap out of it.’ The brain is sick, and what doesn’t help is social rejection by half-wits in the community and at churches. It doesn’t help that we’ll most likely die alone, without ever having a relationship.

People without mental illnesses generally suffer heightened narcissism, a lack of empathy, a lack of humility and a lack of understanding about what schizophrenics go through on a daily basis. Not only that, but the mental health system is like the police service, they don’t do a good job.

2 things you can do to relieve a schizophrenic; DON’T FORCE MEDICATION DOWN THEIR THROATS. That is biological rape. And also, don’t spit in their faces, because if you had their condition, you’d be dead already in the grave from suicide. SO SHUT UP AND STOP BLAMING US FOR OUR CONDITION!!!!!!

The Piano

This is me playing the piano very poorly. The circuits in my brain have been corroded by overmedicating. I sincerely wish that nobody would have to take anti-psychotics long term. Anti-depressants may be ok for a few years, but then a person should get back on their feet and live their life. I haven’t taken drugs, alcohol or cigarettes, but yet I caught schizoaffective disorder at 16 years old. Something must of gone very wrong with my thinking.

Schizoaffective disorder means schizophrenia with a mood component. Or otherwise known as half schizophrenia, half bipolar mood disorder. The best of both worlds. So it is a nightmare to have, and sometimes, I try to loosen up, with disastrous consequences. Basically, when you are in the ‘schizo’ classification of disorders, you can not be yourself around anybody, unless you want to make a fool of yourself or be reported to the police. You always got to think before you speak. It is a huge cross.

Oh well, maybe reincarnation is true and I will get a better rebirth in the next life. But I’m not certain about Buddhist theology. I believe in this life, then heaven or hell.

Going to confession wasn’t so bad

Today is 02/09/21. I went to confession with a priest for the first time in 3 years. It wasn’t too bad. He gave me a lot of gentle advice.

I belong in a Greek Orthodox Church in Brisbane. They are nice communities, usually the elderly go there, because life has taught them to appreciate what they have got. Mental illness has taught me humility too, it teaches me to depend totally on God. I am grateful for what God has given me.

Well, I try to be grateful for what God has given me. But apart from that, I have nothing much to say for today. I have no specific counsels nor themes, as my needs are largely taken care of, due to my Centrelink pension and my medication.

Confession is a life-giving sacrament, and it is good for the conscience. It’s nice just to have someone to talk to. It also gives great boldness to the soul on that fearful day of judgement, or at least that’s what I feel it does. But I shouldn’t accuse God, I should bless Him and thank Him for the trials He has sent me to test and purify me.

My youtube account

Hello everybody. I am surprised how many good and honest people would even regard my blog. Thank you to all the nice people out there who support me on my journey to heaven!

I started a youtube account, which I pay premium for. I’m hoping people will like my videos. My channel’s name is ‘Mr Keai’, which means ‘Mr cute’ in chinese. Chinese language does not distinguish between the adjectives ‘lovely’ and ‘cute’. So my real name ‘James Owen Lovely’ is just ‘James Owen Cute’ in chinese equivalent. Otherwise in pinyin it’s known as Zhanmushi Ouwen Keai.

Anyway, my serious advice to all people seeking the kingdom of God, take one day at a time, go easy on yourself, especially if you are going to have a mental breakdown. In 2006, when I was acutely manic, I was doing high school, air force cadets, tai chi, and tae kwon do, then I lost my mind and ended up in hospital!

I don’t believe in the saying ‘no pain, no gain’. I believe, ‘push yourself too hard and you will get injured.’ I realise a lot of people out there will not understand weak people like me, such as David Goggins, or Jordan Peterson. But they have a certain mindset and set of genetics that makes them extremely tough. I am not like that.

I do not think I will ever become a CEO, or even any kind of leader, for that matter. But God gives gifts to everybody, some He withholds from others, while giving to someone else. Anyway, I’ll try to post my youtube link, so you can enjoy all my youtube videos. God bless!

Yay! It worked! Hope you all enjoy!

My life so far

I spent the entirety of the Australian winter in mental institutes. The only benefit to that was that my pension kept rolling in, making me somewhat richer.

Being in the mental institutes was not tormenting so much as it was mind-numbingly boring.

There were some mad dudes that I met in there that I really liked. Too bad I didn’t ask their contact details. I will surely miss them. One of them gave me a hug. Another gave me a bro-shake.

The good thing about being in a ward full of guys is that usually there is very little vomiting going on, as guys have stronger stomachs than girls. The only person who was vomiting was me after each Electroconvulsive Therapy. Ah yes, happy times that was.

Now, since I’ve come out of the mental institute, I’ve had the opportunity to see two of my friends. With one of them I practiced sparring with, with another I just went window shopping with.

Too much of me

When I emerged from the mental institute, my mom said I could only talk about 3 things: girls, japanese language, and religion. Even though I’ve significantly improved since then, the topics I can converse about have become much narrower. I can only talk about 1 topic: myself.

Well, I’m the most interesting man in the universe, so why wouldn’t I want to talk about myself? I talk to myself all the time and have the most interesting conversations, no; I have the BEST conversations. Why would I want to talk about anything else? Why would anyone else want to talk about anything apart from me?

Yeah, I think the next thing I want to do in my career is to become a mad scientist, who builds a factory that uses the earth to produce clones of me, so essentially a whole planetfull of ME; me, me, me, me, me. Great idea huh? Who needs anybody else on the planet?

Ok, so the topic I intended to write for this blog post is something else apart from me. So here goes…

BORING! NEVERMIND WHAT I WAS GONNA TALK ABOUT! ME TIME!

Yep. No need to talk about someone else. Or something else. Better start making that cloning factory. I need more of me.