Going to confession wasn’t so bad

Today is 02/09/21. I went to confession with a priest for the first time in 3 years. It wasn’t too bad. He gave me a lot of gentle advice.

I belong in a Greek Orthodox Church in Brisbane. They are nice communities, usually the elderly go there, because life has taught them to appreciate what they have got. Mental illness has taught me humility too, it teaches me to depend totally on God. I am grateful for what God has given me.

Well, I try to be grateful for what God has given me. But apart from that, I have nothing much to say for today. I have no specific counsels nor themes, as my needs are largely taken care of, due to my Centrelink pension and my medication.

Confession is a life-giving sacrament, and it is good for the conscience. It’s nice just to have someone to talk to. It also gives great boldness to the soul on that fearful day of judgement, or at least that’s what I feel it does. But I shouldn’t accuse God, I should bless Him and thank Him for the trials He has sent me to test and purify me.

I wish I was enlightened

When I was young, I wanted the enlightenment of the Buddhist monk, and the courage of the kung fu master. Now that I’ve grown up, I really wish I just had a purpose in life.

I really don’t live a ‘purpose-driven life’ by the same title of Rick Warren’s book. I couldn’t succeed in Christianity. I couldn’t succeed in Orthodoxy. I couldn’t succeed in Buddhism. I couldn’t succeed in life.

Maybe there will be some ad revenue on my blog once August is over. Not likely. My blogs are fairly boring. Life seems so full of despair, but the depression is manageable on medication. Mindfulness meditations do help as well.

The Buddhist state of ‘enlightenment’ is the ultimate aim of the Buddhist life, same as ‘Theosis’ is the aim of the Orthodox life. My former confessor said that when one achieved Theosis that person believed he was the worst of sinners. How to know one truly thinks of themselves as the worst of sinners is when you don’t judge others no matter what.

Theosis is attained by communing, confessing, fasting, praying, giving alms, and most importantly by practising the Jesus prayer. You must do all these things with repentance, or else they will all be useless. I was told not to pray the Jesus prayer because I’m a schizophrenic. The justifications I’ve been given for that are not adequate, concluding that it may be a demonic prayer.

So I never much pray the Jesus prayer. I pray in my own words, because I have more virtue than the Orthodox Christian who goes to Church every Sunday. Often, Sunday Orthodox Christians have a false virtue, because they bless God, yet curse the disabled and homeless man.

Such is the pitiable state of the Orthodox Churches in my city.

Let us stand fast, with fear!

Although I have taken the vaccine, I still want to live a life according to Christ’s precepts, to get me into paradise, or to take away punishments in hell. Life is troublesome, and people in society are feeling burnt out, due to overwork or lockdowns. Life is a nightmare for some suffering from severe mental health issues. I try to pray for them.

We must all pray for the salvation of the whole race of humanity. God is merciful, God can make things right all at once, even through a couple of thousand righteous people praying. We must think to ourselves ‘maybe God will show us mercy, and take away this plague from under our midst.’ God can save whosoever He wishes, too. So never think you are beyond salvation.

Our battle is in our mind, in our thoughts, in our imagination. Satan tends to make us fantasise about things, and we suffer the wounds of his vainglory. So concentrate on the breath, for say 1-5 seconds, or as long as you can, so you may not give an ear to his fantasies. Satan once imagined himself as equal to God, and from there he exited paradise.

Try to focus on the breath, maybe say a few prayers, praying in your own words. Always hope that God can take you out of your current reality and place you in a better situation and circumstance. God is the God of healing, the God of salvation. By Christ’s death on the cross, He reconciled the whole world to Himself, and from His pain, He sympathises with each and every one of our weaknesses.

If deep breathing doesn’t work, distract yourself. Do housework, take out the garbage, do the laundry, read a book. You have got a lot to live for. Christ has called you out of darkness into His army to do battle for Him, against your sinful inclinations, against the demons, and against your former self. Know you are getting stronger everyday.

Try to continue battling against your sinful addictions, knowing that each success brings you closer to righteousness. God blesses the righteous, and covers His servants with a shield. The battle for your soul is not over until God takes your soul to heaven. Let us stand well, let us stand in awe, and fear of God! Let us attend!

My prayer for all people

I pray that the nations of the world would drop their grievances and egos and would work together for world peace and freedom. This includes the option NOT to take the covid 19 vaccine. This includes religious freedom, where lawful religious groups, particularly old calendar Orthodox Christianity are not discriminated against in any way, shape or form.

When I was in the Child Youth Mental Health in 2006, I was manic enough to tell other people in the ward to repent. And what did the democratic country do? It kept me locked up for longer. Shame on this democratic country! In this state, if you repent personally, people laugh at you or look at you as though you are really sick, but if you constantly tell other people to repent, then you get shut up in mental health jail! This is what they did to the Blessed Apostles! This is what they did in Soviet Russia to the New Martyrs! Democracy is close to God-hating communism!

I got sick in 2006 due to relentless abuse by fellow students at my old high school. The wickedness of Australian society caused my schizophrenia. Now 15 years on, the world is pushing to get the covid vaccine mandated! There is no freedom under communism, whatever the name of the type of government! It didn’t even take a quarter of a century for the Australian society to start stuffing up majorly after my breakdown, only 15 years!

I have started praying fervently for my safety under a new world order. God help us all.

Blog update 7/07/21

Hello to all who view my blog. This video, as well as the entire Gregory Decapolite YouTube channel, is the reason I personally would prefer not to take the Covid 19 vaccine, until the authorities start torturing me. I pray Christ will help me in that hour of torment!

I know several of my friends view my blog, so I wanted other people’s opinions on this channel. Is it reliable? Is it fake? The testimony of my conscience is that this channel is true, as when Christ will accuse me of all the sins I have done in my life, at the last judgement, I will reply ‘Yes, master, these accusations are just and true.’

I secretly don’t think I will get into heaven. My faith in Christ is very weak. I just wonder, if I had been more accepting of my mental illness, had I borne my mental illness in 2006 without attempting suicide, would I of been able to lead more people to Christ? Would I of prevented the end of the world through encouraging my brothers and sisters in the faith? I am deeply saddened by my sins.

Help yourself with mindfulness

I was at the local Greek Orthodox Church today in the morning to celebrate St John the Baptist. I forget what the precise name for the weekday service was called. Anyway, I enjoyed being there for the most part, except for when the thought entered my mind of the memory of being offended by some of the parishioners and the parish priest.

Everything was blissful and great until those thoughts arose. So I went away from the church feeling bitter and resentful. What could I of done instead? I will give some advice from mindfulness.

You can either A) replace the memory with a happy thought B) say ‘Lord Jesus Christ have mercy, hoping He will get rid of the troubling memory C) replace the memory with a reminder that I need to be humbled so as to cultivate humility, and thank the Lord Jesus Christ for their humiliation of me D) stop thinking altogether by focusing on the breath.

These things normally are excellent for the person without mental health issues, but the mentally ill person has to struggle a lot more with his thoughts than a normal person does. Hope this advice helps some people who stumble upon my blog!

My life so far April fools day 2021

I’m not sure how long I’ve had this WordPress blog for.

I’ve been wondering if somebody else could tell me. I would have difficulty navigating my settings.

I would like to know how to make money on WordPress too lol. I tried the YouTube idea, but I didn’t get enough views or subscribers. To make money from advertising on YouTube, you must have 1000 subscribers and 4000 hours worth of viewing time from other users in the past year. I had trouble getting subscribers and also getting people to watch my poorly designed videos.

Anyway, to my life so far. My mom’s mom passed away recently. I have so much more anxiety now than when my grandpas passed away in 2006. I am more conscious of the fear of death, and the imminent expectation of being thrown into hell after I die. I wish I was more Godly. Maybe had I been an actual Saint, Coronavirus wouldn’t of happened.

My grandma outlived both my grandpas by 15 years. I don’t know how long I’ll live. I wish I’d pass away before mum and dad, to save me the heartache of missing them. But since I’m so highly medicated, probably I will die first, as medication shortens lifespan quite a bit.

But I do pray for the souls of the dead, and my friends who are still alive here on Earth. Life is a nightmare. I think if we were all to live 1000 years, we still could not do enough works to become a Saint.

God help us all. Amen.

My life so far 27/12/20

Wow, Covid-19 has really shocked the world this year. I just hope all who come across my blog have been safe this year, protected by God from disease, illness, sudden death, foreign invasion, and anything that may frighten and perplex the human soul.

I didn’t catch the virus this year. Here in Queensland, the government has done an exemplary job of protecting its citizens from Covid-19. My friends in Brisbane were all protected from it, too.

Nonetheless, I have some things to say to all people in Brisbane. We must all repent. Jesus said in the Gospels ‘Do you think that the Galileans whom the tower of Siloam fell on were worse sinners than they? No, I tell you, unless you all repent, you will all perish.’ Stop fornicating, because it destroys the communion between each person’s souls. Stop committing adultery, God declared marriage holy, and the wedding bed undefiled.

Do not get angry at others, let others have their way. Because life is a nightmare, we should not impose our wills upon anybody. God didn’t force us to love Him by coercion, He gave us the freedom to walk away from Him. But how blessed will we be, if we love Him with all our heart! God gave us free will, so by using our free will properly, we would inherit a greater reward in heaven than the oceans, earth, trees, and animals who obey God by default.

God has taught me much during my life. I would not have my mental illness removed or my experiences in life erased for all the treasure on earth, because without mental illness, I would not have even begun to cultivate humility. As St John Climacus says in the Ladder of Divine Ascent, ‘Without humility, nobody shall enter the bridal chamber.’ That bridal chamber is the Kingdom of heaven.

So let us all think the least of ourselves, not quarrelling with others over senseless matters. Let us be humble, then shall the light of Christ shine in others. And even if many reject the light, the humble shall still be at peace.

I shall leave you with a monastic saying of the desert fathers, for all Christians struggling with temptation in Brisbane: ‘Even if we never enter the promised land, it is best that we leave our bones to lie in the desert, then return to slavery in Egypt.’

Take it easy

Greetings everybody. My topic is ‘taking it easy’. People seem to always be on the go, go, go. I live in the slow lane. But the thing about always being on the go, is that you can frequently get burnt out.

I have been sick for about a week with a cold. I thank God everyday for this cold, as it leads me towards perfect humility. As an Orthodox ascetic once said ‘As satan was bound and cast out from heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise, we must have humility.’ So I thank God each and every day for the bad things that happen to me. It makes me realise my weakness, and depend more and more on God.

The Lord says to St Paul in one of his epistles ‘My grace is sufficient for you. In your weakness, my strength is made manifest.’ This is one of the verses the Pentecostals would NOT underline in their bible. The miracles of the pentecostal and charismatic churches are false and demonic, don’t trust them.

One of the things that delights the Lord is ‘sickness borne with patience, as this brings great joy to the Lord in our affliction’. Our patience proves whether we are worthy of receiving paradise, when the end of our life comes.

Anyway, getting back on topic, take things one day at a time. It’s no good if you burn yourself out and end up committing suicide. Stay alive! Because Jesus Christ has a great reward in place for you after your faith has been proven true through the furnace of tribulation.

Tips for humble thinking

As St John of Kronstadt says in his work ‘My life in Christ’: “those who endure dishonour in this life will not be subjected to it in the next.” So I have some practical things to think when faced with dishonour.

If a person insults you, calling you a worthless person, with or without coarse language, say ‘Yes! This is true! I deserve your words because of my sins! Thank you for your caustic words!’

If a person won’t talk to you, and repeatedly ignores you, leave them alone, and say ‘God told them to ignore me, because I have been ignoring God.’

If you are feeling lonely and empty on the inside, say ‘It is the will of God for me to feel this way, Jesus faced the same feelings and worse on the cross.’

If you are feeling rejected, and you can not find true love, say ‘I can not find true love because I reject the true love of God. It is all my fault, not my love interest’s.’

If you are excluded from a friendship circle because you are different, say ‘blessed are they, because they know how wicked I am, thus they are fulfilling the Lord’s admonition to the Israelites “put the evil out from under your midst.”

If you are being bullied needlessly by an accuser, say to them ‘God bless you. Thank you for your caustic words. By your words you drive out the serpents of arrogance and anger from deep in my heart.’