I looked at my previous blogs. I have low self-esteem frequently, though it is getting better the longer I take my depot. I just hope I’m able to come off my depot in the future. I do not want to be on meds for the rest of my life.
My former psychiatrist said the maximum length of time somebody can be on medication is for 60 years. So I guess they just die after being medicated for so long? It is not a good way to live.
But I’m not in a hurry to find a new psychiatrist. Even though now, I only have my GP, I will look for a psychiatrist later on. I prefer going to a psychiatrist, as I can ask more specific questions about my illness.
This is a picture from the point-and-click game called Timelapse: Ancient Civilisations. It has a time machine in it. I would like to rewrite the history of my life, with the experiences I now have. I would of told my parents just how bad my old high school was. They would of let me leave that high school.
Ironically, I got kicked out of a very immoral high school, where they looked down on students who fell behind. But I would like to take the old school teachers to court for kicking me out of a school where I was bullied every day. But the judges are unethical, too. If they weren’t, they would of done something about it already.
God bless my enemies. You will not go unpunished in the next life.
The nights should be unbearably hot at this time of year. I’m glad to get some relief. At the end of October, things in Brisbane will be unbearably hot. But sometimes, I like hot weather. It means I don’t have to put jumpers on, which I’m lazy to do.
It is a public holiday today. I feel a little subdued. I was feeling good during part of the day, then I was shouting at voices in my head, then I calmed back down. I really wish I didn’t have rapid mood swings.
I wish I could become a Saint. But what does that even mean? I guess I just want to be praised for something. I do not even believe I will enter the Lord’s rest. Why? The prayers of the people I’ve hurt in the past have reached the Lord of Sabaoth, and He inflicts pain upon me, because of my evil I did to others in primary and high school.
I confess, when I remember the things I used to do in high school and primary school, that I do need punishment. As I sometimes say to Jesus ‘punish me in this life, and not the next!’ I really wish I had come to obey Jesus in early primary school, before my wickedness had reached a certain level, to require a certain punishment.
But most of all, my conscience is in pain. I wish I had not hit other students in primary and high school. It is a shameful behaviour, to get violent, all because they said something rude. I should of been better than that long ago.
I feel really sedated, with a lack of energy. It will take a while for my body to metabolise the anti-psychotic in the injection.
I need the depot, without it, I go mad. First, I go manic, like sleeping rough, excessive energy, then I crash, because I’m ashamed of how I behaved while manic.
Life shouldn’t have to be this way. But God is merciful. Every time something bad happens to us, we should reflect that it is a merciful punishment, and because of our sins we deserve worse punishments.
Lol. Most people who speak English really badly say ‘My English is not well,’ rather than ‘My English is really bad.’ If they never bothered to learn English, why are they in this country?
I could learn Chinese and Japanese and maybe even Korean better, if I was in the country where those languages were spoken. But I am afraid of travel, and I need a carer, due to my mental health concerns.
But life is boring. It is very difficult to make even one true friend in the world, much less meet one’s miss’s right, especially if one has a chronic and severe disability. Women are looking for protection and security from a man. Guess I have none.
Sigh, I don’t think I can be a monk either, as the Orthodox Churches have very low respect for me. If they don’t want the anti-christ to come, get your act together and start honouring others so God in heaven will honour you with continued existence!