My lack of purpose

The voices called me both a ‘vomiting hero’ and that I was ‘wasting everybody’s time.’ I heard the ‘vomiting hero’ voice from a clinician at a general practice, and the ‘wasting everybody’s time’ voice from a priest at a Greek church.

Thus, the demons, being voices, show me my weaknesses. They were essentially saying ‘You’re a glutton!’ and ‘stop bothering Christians at the Greek church!’ Even the demons are shocked by my sins.

Well, the more I stress out, the less I’ll eat. I suppose I can give up going to church. They weren’t nice to me at the church anyway.

Another voice said ‘he’s weird’ at one of the parks near my home. The demons must have a lot of reasons to accuse me.

Sometimes the demons speak to me. I see their malice. How they fell from heaven. How they want all of humanity to end up in hell, just to punish and torment them.

But according to some writings of the Orthodox Saints, the demons act as ‘God’s avenger.’ The demons, as well as people, can teach me a lot of humility! I should shut my mouth, and not contribute my opinion.


Diary entry 21/10/22

Actually, I understand if people are afraid of me when I mention my disability. They assume ‘all schizophrenics are violent’ so they immediately shun me when they hear my diagnosis. But if you were an outcast and treated with contempt, how can you NOT be violent? Doesn’t everybody deserve respect?

Oh, I forgot what you as a society think. Everybody deserves respect. Except the mentally ill, the homeless, the disabled, the downtrodden, those who can’t stick up for themselves, etc.

If the modern person was treated with scorn and contempt wherever he went, wouldn’t he lash out or commit suicide? I am a very strong person for NOT committing suicide, despite the lack of Godly respect I receive from people often more stupid than I am!

I am also a SAINT because I simply let others walk over me, demonstrating my immense forgiveness and my perfect humility!

Anyway, enough about that. I sort of understand why people dislike the mentally ill, especially when prisons are full of them. One got executed recently for murdering his daughter while having a psychotic episode. But still, the mentally ill deserve much more respect.

You say ‘pity the jails are full.’ Well, sinner, it’s a pity HELL IS NEVER FULL.

Concerning trolling

If you stand up for yourself, God will not stand up for you. If you don’t let others walk all over you, you will be walked all over by the devil in hell.

If you justify yourself before others, you won’t be justified before God. If you accuse yourself before others, God will not accuse you.

My opinions on humility.

God bless all of you.

I am a people pleaser

I hear people hypocritically say that ‘they don’t care what others think.’ When I said this to a friend from the mental health clinic, I said ‘You must care what others think, or else the police will come and beat you up.’

If I didn’t care what others thought, I’d have no reason for feigned morality. If I started hitting people for offending me, then the police will beat me up and put me in mental health jail with no intention of release!

So definitely, you MUST care what others think, particularly if you are a hypocrite or a bad person, which is 99% of the people in the world today. The book of James says ‘if a person bridles his tongue, then he is a perfect man, able to control his own body.’

I’d be perfect if I could forgive and if I wasn’t so vainglorious, which means I’m a lover of people’s praise. For me, I can’t get enough of people’s approval. And I can not forgive others for never apologizing.

Pray for me.

I am appalled

I am appalled by the world’s lack of humility. I saw on the news, one of the tennis players got booed by the crowd for an ugly confrontation. I can’t believe this. There are so many ugly confrontations like this in the world. So many rapes, so many bashings, so many murders.

And whatever for? Can’t we all settle our grievances peacefully? Sure, I may be a conqueror in the world of Civ 5, but I never express violence in the real world.

Let us all embrace humility, for without it, none shall enter the bridal chamber. Without humility, none shall enter paradise. Without humility, none shall go to heaven.

Why? As an ascetic once said ‘As Satan was bound and cast out of heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise, we must have humility.’ What is humility? A craving for insults. A thirst for dishonours. Seeing dishonour as praise. And if you can’t forgive the slightest fault in those who have perpetrated evil against you, you have no humility.

Stop blaming others. Start taking responsibility and blaming yourself. If you remember your sins, God will forget them. If we accuse ourselves, God will not accuse us. But if we accuse others, God will accuse us, at that great and fearful day of judgement.

Remember James 2:17: faith without works is dead. What is a good work then? Accepting abuse from others. Forgiving those who violate our freedoms and our rights. Have the humility to accept the teaching of the Saints.

Finding peace within ourselves

To my friends in China, who are forced to work or die, I have this advice for you, bear it with much humility. Try not to let your ego dictate what you want to do. Don’t be afraid of loneliness or rejection. Great is your reward in heaven.

I probably don’t understand the hardships of people living in China. I don’t understand the hardships of people who have to work for their money in this country! So please excuse me if my advice is very bad.

The Lord Jesus Christ didn’t remove a believer’s sinful tendencies, so the believer would be able to learn the art of spiritual combat, i.e. choosing the good and refusing and rejecting the bad. When a Christian fights against his sinful inclinations (passions) he strengthens his willpower, so he will find the battle easier next time, until he reaches a state of perfection required of all true Christians. ‘Be perfect as your father in heaven is perfect.’ Matthew 5:48.

God gives us tough circumstances to help us grow and mature as Christians. God also makes things difficult to teach us humility and gratitude. If everything were easy for us, we’d become little Lucifers and fall into the same pride as the devil.

We need to have gratitude for God’s provision. This is why the Samaritan in the gospel used the phrase ‘the crumbs that fall from the Lord’s table’ Matthew 15:27. If we received everything we desired, we’d most likely spit in God’s face. The demons got everything from God, yet they spat in His face from before the beginning of the world.

Lord, have mercy on us!

Humility, the path unto rest

I have ranted and raved on this blog before. I do have outbursts of emotion sometimes, particularly when on lower doses of medication. I wish more people would be my friend, stick up for me, and generally comfort me during a psychotic episode.

But it is too much to ask. If the world were more repentant, mental illness wouldn’t exist. I wouldn’t have to suffer. But I need mental illness, so I’d know what mental wellness might look like, if I ever get there.

We need bad times to appreciate the good times. We need suffering to appreciate when we feel good. We need mental illness to appreciate the times when we are not mentally ill. This is wisdom from the Tao Te Ching, or the Holy book of Taoism. Although I am a Christian, certain aspects of me respect the wisdom found in Taoism and Buddhism.

Light can not exist without darkness. Perfection can not exist without imperfection. That is why the devil fell, so us humans would appreciate perfect times, as much as true perfection doesn’t exist in this lifetime.

If God gave us everything we wanted, and took away all evil in the world, then we’d all become little Lucifers, because we’d all become ungrateful and proud.

So, you want perfection so perfect that you never would become proud? But did you earn that perfection? Did you make use of the gifts God gave you to achieve perfection? God needs us to grow up, not to become soulless automatons with no free will.

Sorry, my bloggers, I’m going all over the place. Maybe I do feel a little manic. It has been 22 days since my last injection of anti-psychotic, and I drank too much coffee. I don’t know when I’ll go to sleep tonight.

God bless you all. May you all enjoy the journey of life, despite how bad it feels, for a little season.

Oh! The humanity!

When I look at the news, there is not even the slightest trace of humility in either the media or the subjects of the media. Oh! What satanic pride! How far has man fallen! Nobody can wake up mankind from its spiritual slumber! Nobody can convince him to repent and amend his ways! This is the worm which dies not, and the fire that is never quenched!

What is the point of life without humility? Humility makes the soul ride upon the wings and lifts the courageous soul up boldly towards God! But nobody wants to be humble. Pride is worshipped, satanic pride! As Satan was bound and cast out from heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise, we must have humility.

Nobody except me apologizes to his inferior, they all think highly of themselves. Whether Christian or not, all have the satanic energy of pride. Nobody regards me, even though I’m more humble than all! I have all the virtues, since I have humility! And people still scorn me!

I would advise humanity to repent and come off the wide road that leads to perdition, but it will not! Even in hell, people won’t repent. They gnash their teeth in anger at the triune God, and whatever for? They could of made themselves righteous in this life, to be spared torment in the next!

Repent, before the gate of mercy closes on you.

Diffusing anger

To diffuse my own anger in my heart, I tend to just sit with it, shout at the walls if I need to, until I come out of that thought spiral. To help with coming out of that thought spiral, I think about the things I’ve done that were praiseworthy, or the nice things others have said to me.

The Gregory Decapolite YouTube channel recommends the immediate application of the Jesus Prayer to diffuse anger in a particular situation. While it is not the thing I’d prefer to do, it works for some particularly religious Orthodox Christians.

I just ground myself in my own virtue of humility, or at least, not responding immediately to the hurtful thing that my adversary has said to me. But there is more trolling on social media than in the real world, I can diffuse the anger directed at me on social media more easily than I can ignore an insult in real life. The insults and on occasion, threats of violence; are far more hurtful than anything social media can produce.

When I’m insulted on YouTube, I just ignore it, bless the aggressor, thank them for the comment, then move onto something else. I don’t get into fights, either online or in real.

It is a very angry world out there, caused by heightened anxiety over the pandemic and the supposed coming of the end of the world. I personally don’t anticipate the end of the world unless I’m suffering particularly bad mental illness, but I understand lots of people, Christian and non-Christian, expect the end to come within the next millennia.

But God bless the world. Whatever happens, it is His permitted will. God would not allow it unless it were educative or instructive. God allows all bad things to happen to teach people humility. As Satan was bound and cast out from heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise, we must have humility. What is the brief breath of our life, compared to the ocean of eternity? Let us repent now, before the gate of mercy closes.

The Holy Spirit

I do remember the better times in life, before I had mental illness. But in actual fact, life is a continuum, but the emotions go up and down. Sometimes they are really up, but actually really downward emotions can kill you. They can drive you to attempting suicide, like I did in 2006, 2007, and 2017.

The cause of suicidal ideation is pride. We are saying to God ‘I’m fed up with not getting my way, so I’m going to murder this body you gave to me.’ It shows a lack of gratitude and humility, bearing patiently whatever God’s will is for us. Such are the times.

At the time I was suicidal, I would certainly of claimed the opposite, but indeed, it is a hatred and contempt for not only our lot in life, but of God Himself. The only way out of despair is humility, a patient endurance of the affliction, according to the Desert Fathers of the Orthodox Church.

It’s hotter in hell.