I wish I was enlightened

When I was young, I wanted the enlightenment of the Buddhist monk, and the courage of the kung fu master. Now that I’ve grown up, I really wish I just had a purpose in life.

I really don’t live a ‘purpose-driven life’ by the same title of Rick Warren’s book. I couldn’t succeed in Christianity. I couldn’t succeed in Orthodoxy. I couldn’t succeed in Buddhism. I couldn’t succeed in life.

Maybe there will be some ad revenue on my blog once August is over. Not likely. My blogs are fairly boring. Life seems so full of despair, but the depression is manageable on medication. Mindfulness meditations do help as well.

The Buddhist state of ‘enlightenment’ is the ultimate aim of the Buddhist life, same as ‘Theosis’ is the aim of the Orthodox life. My former confessor said that when one achieved Theosis that person believed he was the worst of sinners. How to know one truly thinks of themselves as the worst of sinners is when you don’t judge others no matter what.

Theosis is attained by communing, confessing, fasting, praying, giving alms, and most importantly by practising the Jesus prayer. You must do all these things with repentance, or else they will all be useless. I was told not to pray the Jesus prayer because I’m a schizophrenic. The justifications I’ve been given for that are not adequate, concluding that it may be a demonic prayer.

So I never much pray the Jesus prayer. I pray in my own words, because I have more virtue than the Orthodox Christian who goes to Church every Sunday. Often, Sunday Orthodox Christians have a false virtue, because they bless God, yet curse the disabled and homeless man.

Such is the pitiable state of the Orthodox Churches in my city.

Let us stand fast, with fear!

Although I have taken the vaccine, I still want to live a life according to Christ’s precepts, to get me into paradise, or to take away punishments in hell. Life is troublesome, and people in society are feeling burnt out, due to overwork or lockdowns. Life is a nightmare for some suffering from severe mental health issues. I try to pray for them.

We must all pray for the salvation of the whole race of humanity. God is merciful, God can make things right all at once, even through a couple of thousand righteous people praying. We must think to ourselves ‘maybe God will show us mercy, and take away this plague from under our midst.’ God can save whosoever He wishes, too. So never think you are beyond salvation.

Our battle is in our mind, in our thoughts, in our imagination. Satan tends to make us fantasise about things, and we suffer the wounds of his vainglory. So concentrate on the breath, for say 1-5 seconds, or as long as you can, so you may not give an ear to his fantasies. Satan once imagined himself as equal to God, and from there he exited paradise.

Try to focus on the breath, maybe say a few prayers, praying in your own words. Always hope that God can take you out of your current reality and place you in a better situation and circumstance. God is the God of healing, the God of salvation. By Christ’s death on the cross, He reconciled the whole world to Himself, and from His pain, He sympathises with each and every one of our weaknesses.

If deep breathing doesn’t work, distract yourself. Do housework, take out the garbage, do the laundry, read a book. You have got a lot to live for. Christ has called you out of darkness into His army to do battle for Him, against your sinful inclinations, against the demons, and against your former self. Know you are getting stronger everyday.

Try to continue battling against your sinful addictions, knowing that each success brings you closer to righteousness. God blesses the righteous, and covers His servants with a shield. The battle for your soul is not over until God takes your soul to heaven. Let us stand well, let us stand in awe, and fear of God! Let us attend!

Lockdown is lifted

The snap 8 day lockdown is lifted for south-east QLD. Yay! Now I can go back to reading at the library and buying boss coffees!

I must apologize for the way I’ve behaved in the past. I was unable to get shock treatment for my mental illness before I was 18 years old. I was kept for very long amounts of time in the kiddies mental health unit when shock treatment could of cut my stays in half. It would of saved me a lot of embarrassing moments in my life too if I had shock therapy.

But I didn’t realise I was full blown mentally ill until my psychotic breakdown in 2017 when I pushed a male nurse. I was put on a treatment authority, which I am very glad they did. It obviously means I have some unresolved suppressed anger issues in the depths of my subconscious.

But with age comes limited humility. With social isolation and social rejection, I’ve come to accept my place in society, and the scorn and humiliation that comes with it. It teaches me the virtue of humility, which St John Climacus says in the ladder of divine ascent ‘without humility nobody shall enter the bridal chamber.’

I thank God for enemies. Bless my enemies, oh Lord. Bless them, and do not curse them, as the prayer by St Nicholai Velimirovich says for his enemies. God bless us all.

Lockdown 2/8/21

Are my sins so great, that all of south-east Queensland must suffer? I have no justification for my sins. I do not know how I will get through the final toll-houses in the ascent of the soul to heaven. I ask God to have mercy on me, and on all those whom I pray for.

This would be the 3rd day of lockdown. Our governor decided to have an extension of this lockdown to contain the delta variant.

I really wish my prayers would be an offering acceptable to God. But my works are not enough. I’m begging God to have mercy on me, and on all those I know. But it is not enough, because I am vainglorious, and an angry person at heart.

I am praying that there be a little mercy shown to the Australian people. But I am not as St Paisios or St Porphyrios. I am an outcast from the kingdom.

Lord, be kind to us, particularly to the souls in hell!

Dedicated to an unknown friend

As it says in the Psalms, ‘Be still, and know that I, am God.’ In the book titled, ‘Unseen Warfare,’ it says Jesus is always beside us, especially when we call out to Him with eyes of faith. It is very difficult not to despair when we have mental illness.

You are not your mistakes. You are not the negative experiences that happened in your past. Life is a dream. The bad things that happened to you in your childhood are not real. Try not to identify with your traumas. Nothing is real, except God.

God is the kindest thing that exists. God looks upon you with exceedingly great love and compassion. God will continue having mercy upon you, even in sheol. God loves you even beyond death.

What we experience in the next life is the sum total of anger and resentment we have in our hearts. As we forgive, so are we forgiven. But remember, the evil that the world does to you actually doesn’t exist. It is all just a dream that you wake up from in eternity.

Love your enemies

Yes, I do confess that I can’t love my enemies, I am often snide and impudent. But sometimes the grace of God makes me remember my sins, but not too often, as I chase away the love of God through my pride.

I used to be on a messaging software called qq. It is a Chinese messaging software. In group chat, usually when someone insulted me, I’d say ‘God bless you,’ after Jesus’s commandment to ‘bless those that curse you,’ in His sermon on the mount. But one guy kept saying that I didn’t need to take anti-psychotics, so I got annoyed with that.

We must talk about the gift of forgiveness. God forgives each and every one of us, whether we want it or not. But usually, people won’t forgive each other. I tell a lady that I asked her pastor if she could get a job as a leader in her church and she says that I just wanted to be nosey! I implored her forgiveness, because usually, I rebuke her, but I was trying to be humble, to help me get through the 20th aerial toll house (the toll house of unmercifulness).

A lot of people won’t forgive me, even for just being a schizophrenic on a pension. They interpret it as something unclean. Usually men and women from my old high school would conversation wall me on Facebook. That’s why I no longer have Facebook, because of the profound lack of respect I get from other people.

But loving enemies will give you some relief in the next life. It may take you out of the lake of fire! People can’t even love their family members, yet Jesus is expecting us to love our enemies! I pray God may have mercy on me, to at least love my family, friends, and if at all possible, those that irritate me. Lord have mercy.

I am going at my own pace

Today is the 9th of July 2021. I must admit, I haven’t amounted to much in the world’s eyes. I haven’t got a degree, I don’t drive a car, I don’t have a full time job. But one of my teachers at my English conversation group said I am ‘well-red’. Indeed, I like to read books, and I mean paperback books, not articles online and e-books.

Recently I read ‘Pope Francis, an authorised biography.’ I highly recommend this book. It says that Pope Francis had a profound sense of humility, which is the reason it didn’t take long for the Sistine Chapel to declare him Pope in the selection process. He is of Argentinian origin. His former name as a Cardinal was Jorje Bergoglio.

I also read ‘The search for Spock,’ by Gene Roddenberry. It was a thrilling read. They essentially bring Spock back to life by a complex series of events. If you like classic Star Trek, this book is for you.

Though I have written about book reviews in this post, I am also wanting to discuss other topics. When I say ‘I go at my own pace,’ I mean that I play it safe, I stay within my boundaries, and I do care what other people think. If I didn’t care what other people think, I could get in serious trouble with the police! I think when people say ‘I don’t care what others think,’ they really mean that they are ambitious and driven. I am not ambitious in the world’s eyes. But I am a man of prayer.

For example, I pray for the souls of the dead, such as for my grandparents, and for those whom I’ve known who passed away before me. According to the Orthodox Church, the souls of the dead usually need our prayers, both alone and at the divine services, as they didn’t usually attain to the level of Sainthood, so could be in danger of hell fire. But our prayers could take them up out of hell. Or rather, it could convince them to implore God’s mercy in that fire, until God changes his decision about their soul.

Thank you to all who read my blog. God bless you all, and I hope the Antichrist doesn’t come in my time!

Blog update 7/07/21

Hello to all who view my blog. This video, as well as the entire Gregory Decapolite YouTube channel, is the reason I personally would prefer not to take the Covid 19 vaccine, until the authorities start torturing me. I pray Christ will help me in that hour of torment!

I know several of my friends view my blog, so I wanted other people’s opinions on this channel. Is it reliable? Is it fake? The testimony of my conscience is that this channel is true, as when Christ will accuse me of all the sins I have done in my life, at the last judgement, I will reply ‘Yes, master, these accusations are just and true.’

I secretly don’t think I will get into heaven. My faith in Christ is very weak. I just wonder, if I had been more accepting of my mental illness, had I borne my mental illness in 2006 without attempting suicide, would I of been able to lead more people to Christ? Would I of prevented the end of the world through encouraging my brothers and sisters in the faith? I am deeply saddened by my sins.

First day of lockdown 30/06/21

God bless the Commonwealth of Australia, and to our premier for doing such a great job. I for one have a positive opinion of our government. I have no qualms with the Australian government, just I wish there was an option for schizophrenics apart from long term medicating and Assisted Treatment. I only care because I myself am a schizophrenic.

Under the Australian government, we are given numerous benefits. I get a Disability Pension due to me not being able to work due to my schizophrenia. We don’t have military checkpoints like in North Korea. And even during lockdown, I’m allowed to exercise in my local area. And also, there is an option for better health care, since I can afford to pay private health cover.

I just hope Australia continues to remain democratic, despite what the Old Calendarists of the Orthodox church stipulate.. They theorise that all the governments will bow to the reign of the Anti Christ in a few decades. I sure do not want to live to see that day!

So for now, the Commonwealth of Australia is not the Australian Soviet Socialist Republic. I guess in death, it won’t matter. The good I have done will count against my bad deeds in the fearsome judgement of Christ of my soul. God bless everybody in Brisbane.

Diary entries 12/02/21 to 16/02/21

12/02/21

I went to one of my conversation groups at a park in Brisbane. I got to talk a lot to a Korean friend at that group. My Taiwanese friend was also there.

13/02/21

I’ve temporarily forgotten all the bad things ever done to me by others, as though they never happened. Because, in the cosmic scheme of things, my life doesn’t matter. But where do I go, where I will be honoured and respected? I guess there is no place on Earth for me. This fact makes me greatly depressed.

16/02/21

I was dreaming last night about Hyperion robots from Borderlands 2. Then a terminator said to me in the dream ‘love is stronger than death.’ This is a verse from Songs of Solomon in the Bible. ‘Even if I make my bed in sheol, God is there,’ says the wise psalmist King David. These 2 verses made me cry.