My English is not very well

Lol. Most people who speak English really badly say ‘My English is not well,’ rather than ‘My English is really bad.’ If they never bothered to learn English, why are they in this country?

I could learn Chinese and Japanese and maybe even Korean better, if I was in the country where those languages were spoken. But I am afraid of travel, and I need a carer, due to my mental health concerns.

But life is boring. It is very difficult to make even one true friend in the world, much less meet one’s miss’s right, especially if one has a chronic and severe disability. Women are looking for protection and security from a man. Guess I have none.

Sigh, I don’t think I can be a monk either, as the Orthodox Churches have very low respect for me. If they don’t want the anti-christ to come, get your act together and start honouring others so God in heaven will honour you with continued existence!

But then again, no one cares.

My birthday

Dear WordPress. This morning is a good morning. I am sort of forgiving my enemies. My medication seems to be doing its job.

I had a birthday celebration on the 25th of September, as my birthday is on the 27th of September. It was fun for a brief moment of my existence. I just wish I had the capacity to achieve theosis.

Life is either boring or a nightmare. For me, it is more boring, as my medication is finally working.

It is the school holidays now. Maybe after art therapy I will spend time in the library reading my books. Wish me luck! God bless you all.

Humility

Yep, you are all right. I don’t have humility, as much as I talk about it. I do not have the humility to work. I do not have the humility to push myself beyond my limits so I do not have to rely so much on my disability support pension. But what can I do? I’m only mortal.

I suppose, if I were manic, I’d be able to eventually work a 20 hour shift, until the mania stopped and the depression set in. I really can’t work with customers as I do not know how aggressive they might be. I don’t have the humility to put up with rubbish from aggressive customers or management or HR.

I can sometimes put up with being insulted on qq chat, but sometimes they really get under my skin and I use my professional English knowledge to really insult them, saying things like that their only purpose is for their corpse to feed the worms at the cemetery. Great insult for all those trolls who take it too far!

But I have no humility. I have glimpses of it, I can control myself to a limited degree, but I do not keep a lot of the Lord’s commandments. I wish I did, but I haven’t been given the blessing by my priest to take communion at the Orthodox Church. Sigh, life is unfortunate. I wish I could do more for the emptiness in my soul.

I really wish for more humility so I wouldn’t brood with resentment over what the priests say to me, or have said to me. I can’t control them. People outside the church are frequently a lot worse, as Australian people have a poor code of conduct, generally speaking.

But violence doesn’t solve anything, as the police will just turn me into swiss cheese with their pistols and tazors. So I better not push myself too hard, as it could make my mental health a lot worse.

Me doing exercise

I can’t believe I can still do these exercises, after all these years, and at my current dose of medication. I take 150mg Invega Sustenna Depot injection syringe, 200mg Desvenlafaxine, and 3mg paliperidone. It is very difficult to lose weight, unless I get nervous and stressed and stop eating. Then I will likely ask my psychiatrist for an increase in meds, which will bring back my appetite.

The only way to lose weight on medication is to starve yourself. It would be possible, if I were chained to my bed and released only to go to the toilet. That’s how bad the hunger is on medication. Anti-psychotics usually do that to you.

My sincere wish is none of my fellow bloggers may need to take anti-psychotics, as they are the worst form of medication. I don’t know why people are up in arms about the Covid vaccine, the Covid vaccine would have less side effects, long and short term, than long term anti-psychotics. I’ll probably be dead before I’m 60. Good thing I’m going regularly to confession with the priest. I hope to get past the aerial toll houses.

The Piano

This is me playing the piano very poorly. The circuits in my brain have been corroded by overmedicating. I sincerely wish that nobody would have to take anti-psychotics long term. Anti-depressants may be ok for a few years, but then a person should get back on their feet and live their life. I haven’t taken drugs, alcohol or cigarettes, but yet I caught schizoaffective disorder at 16 years old. Something must of gone very wrong with my thinking.

Schizoaffective disorder means schizophrenia with a mood component. Or otherwise known as half schizophrenia, half bipolar mood disorder. The best of both worlds. So it is a nightmare to have, and sometimes, I try to loosen up, with disastrous consequences. Basically, when you are in the ‘schizo’ classification of disorders, you can not be yourself around anybody, unless you want to make a fool of yourself or be reported to the police. You always got to think before you speak. It is a huge cross.

Oh well, maybe reincarnation is true and I will get a better rebirth in the next life. But I’m not certain about Buddhist theology. I believe in this life, then heaven or hell.

Law of attraction

Isn’t it odd how an Orthodox Christian wants to write on the law of attraction? Well, sometimes I like a break from Orthodoxy every now and then.

I am not very Orthodox, despite being chrismated in an Orthodox church. I don’t like the people, I don’t like the snobby attitudes of the worshippers and priests, and I don’t like fasting, due to being on medication which makes eating extra unavoidable.

I prefer the law of attraction sometimes, as it is more palatable than Orthodox Christianity, and it takes my mind of hell. I’m just hoping I can ‘create’ my way out of worrying about going to hell in the end. I’m not living my life up now with these limiting beliefs!

Sure wish I could make money off YouTube or WordPress. It’s a nice cool night in the start of spring. End of winter was quite hot. Now I just have to get my comfy mattress back into the room with the air conditioning for the hellish summer.

Sigh, I don’t have any advice on personal development, as I have never really developed myself personally. The law of attraction advice is ‘think you already have what you want, and you will get it.’ I sort of get some relief from pretending that I’m celibate, to stop preoccupying myself with my loneliness.

As much as I am unworthy of a girlfriend, I struggle with emotional issues of loneliness. Sometimes the cold is too much to bear. But distraction helps. YouTube also helps. I prefer looking up law of attraction videos than looking at Orthodox videos.

Going to confession wasn’t so bad

Today is 02/09/21. I went to confession with a priest for the first time in 3 years. It wasn’t too bad. He gave me a lot of gentle advice.

I belong in a Greek Orthodox Church in Brisbane. They are nice communities, usually the elderly go there, because life has taught them to appreciate what they have got. Mental illness has taught me humility too, it teaches me to depend totally on God. I am grateful for what God has given me.

Well, I try to be grateful for what God has given me. But apart from that, I have nothing much to say for today. I have no specific counsels nor themes, as my needs are largely taken care of, due to my Centrelink pension and my medication.

Confession is a life-giving sacrament, and it is good for the conscience. It’s nice just to have someone to talk to. It also gives great boldness to the soul on that fearful day of judgement, or at least that’s what I feel it does. But I shouldn’t accuse God, I should bless Him and thank Him for the trials He has sent me to test and purify me.

The Holy Spirit

I do remember the better times in life, before I had mental illness. But in actual fact, life is a continuum, but the emotions go up and down. Sometimes they are really up, but actually really downward emotions can kill you. They can drive you to attempting suicide, like I did in 2006, 2007, and 2017.

The cause of suicidal ideation is pride. We are saying to God ‘I’m fed up with not getting my way, so I’m going to murder this body you gave to me.’ It shows a lack of gratitude and humility, bearing patiently whatever God’s will is for us. Such are the times.

At the time I was suicidal, I would certainly of claimed the opposite, but indeed, it is a hatred and contempt for not only our lot in life, but of God Himself. The only way out of despair is humility, a patient endurance of the affliction, according to the Desert Fathers of the Orthodox Church.

It’s hotter in hell.

No one cares

Very few people care about me and my situation, and my lot in life. Even fewer people bless me and make an effort to spend time with me. But I should remember that it is not my fault, it is just the misinterpretation of my illness by outsiders.

Even my younger relatives on my mother’s side do not want to have anything to do with me. Same with the people in my grade from my former high school. But as it is written in the life of Elder Hatzi-Georgis of the Holy mountain, ‘no one cared, as the souls in hell only cared about themselves.’ So a lot of people, already in this life, are in hell, who are guaranteed a place in hell after their death.

As is said in the recount of the aerial toll-houses in the life of Taxiotes the soldier, ‘(the souls in hell) beg, but no one cares; they mourn, but no one comforts them.’ People both inside and outside the Holy Orthodox Church are in big trouble with God. I do pray regularly for them.

Actually, looking at this icon, I myself may go to hell, due to the sins I committed in primary and high school. I am being cursed with a lack of love from men and women because I hit, maimed, insulted, and judged men and women in primary and high school.

Maybe I will never get an opportunity to set things right. Maybe I should endure solitude and isolation, in hope that I would not be punished in the next life. God have mercy.

I wish I was enlightened

When I was young, I wanted the enlightenment of the Buddhist monk, and the courage of the kung fu master. Now that I’ve grown up, I really wish I just had a purpose in life.

I really don’t live a ‘purpose-driven life’ by the same title of Rick Warren’s book. I couldn’t succeed in Christianity. I couldn’t succeed in Orthodoxy. I couldn’t succeed in Buddhism. I couldn’t succeed in life.

Maybe there will be some ad revenue on my blog once August is over. Not likely. My blogs are fairly boring. Life seems so full of despair, but the depression is manageable on medication. Mindfulness meditations do help as well.

The Buddhist state of ‘enlightenment’ is the ultimate aim of the Buddhist life, same as ‘Theosis’ is the aim of the Orthodox life. My former confessor said that when one achieved Theosis that person believed he was the worst of sinners. How to know one truly thinks of themselves as the worst of sinners is when you don’t judge others no matter what.

Theosis is attained by communing, confessing, fasting, praying, giving alms, and most importantly by practising the Jesus prayer. You must do all these things with repentance, or else they will all be useless. I was told not to pray the Jesus prayer because I’m a schizophrenic. The justifications I’ve been given for that are not adequate, concluding that it may be a demonic prayer.

So I never much pray the Jesus prayer. I pray in my own words, because I have more virtue than the Orthodox Christian who goes to Church every Sunday. Often, Sunday Orthodox Christians have a false virtue, because they bless God, yet curse the disabled and homeless man.

Such is the pitiable state of the Orthodox Churches in my city.