No one cares

Very few people care about me and my situation, and my lot in life. Even fewer people bless me and make an effort to spend time with me. But I should remember that it is not my fault, it is just the misinterpretation of my illness by outsiders.

Even my younger relatives on my mother’s side do not want to have anything to do with me. Same with the people in my grade from my former high school. But as it is written in the life of Elder Hatzi-Georgis of the Holy mountain, ‘no one cared, as the souls in hell only cared about themselves.’ So a lot of people, already in this life, are in hell, who are guaranteed a place in hell after their death.

As is said in the recount of the aerial toll-houses in the life of Taxiotes the soldier, ‘(the souls in hell) beg, but no one cares; they mourn, but no one comforts them.’ People both inside and outside the Holy Orthodox Church are in big trouble with God. I do pray regularly for them.

Actually, looking at this icon, I myself may go to hell, due to the sins I committed in primary and high school. I am being cursed with a lack of love from men and women because I hit, maimed, insulted, and judged men and women in primary and high school.

Maybe I will never get an opportunity to set things right. Maybe I should endure solitude and isolation, in hope that I would not be punished in the next life. God have mercy.

I wish I was enlightened

When I was young, I wanted the enlightenment of the Buddhist monk, and the courage of the kung fu master. Now that I’ve grown up, I really wish I just had a purpose in life.

I really don’t live a ‘purpose-driven life’ by the same title of Rick Warren’s book. I couldn’t succeed in Christianity. I couldn’t succeed in Orthodoxy. I couldn’t succeed in Buddhism. I couldn’t succeed in life.

Maybe there will be some ad revenue on my blog once August is over. Not likely. My blogs are fairly boring. Life seems so full of despair, but the depression is manageable on medication. Mindfulness meditations do help as well.

The Buddhist state of ‘enlightenment’ is the ultimate aim of the Buddhist life, same as ‘Theosis’ is the aim of the Orthodox life. My former confessor said that when one achieved Theosis that person believed he was the worst of sinners. How to know one truly thinks of themselves as the worst of sinners is when you don’t judge others no matter what.

Theosis is attained by communing, confessing, fasting, praying, giving alms, and most importantly by practising the Jesus prayer. You must do all these things with repentance, or else they will all be useless. I was told not to pray the Jesus prayer because I’m a schizophrenic. The justifications I’ve been given for that are not adequate, concluding that it may be a demonic prayer.

So I never much pray the Jesus prayer. I pray in my own words, because I have more virtue than the Orthodox Christian who goes to Church every Sunday. Often, Sunday Orthodox Christians have a false virtue, because they bless God, yet curse the disabled and homeless man.

Such is the pitiable state of the Orthodox Churches in my city.

Difficulty exercising, anyone?

I find doing 10 minutes of this exercise difficult. I can do 6 minutes of this kind of exercise before I get tired of standing in the one place for a couple of minutes. I enjoy doing very light exercise to some David and Diane Arkenstone music on YouTube.

I have done in the past 1 hour and 25 minutes of standing up light exercise within the past 2 years on a 3 shot cup of coffee, but that was a one-off. Due to my depression and my sedative side-effects of my medication, I can not do exercise for very long. I guess I do have motivation, but I do experience limited pain in my legs from making sure I don’t fall over. Guess it must be an anxiety condition.

I’m turning 32 on September 27th 2021, but I exercise like an old man. If I tried shadow boxing at moderate intensity, I could only do it for 30 seconds, perhaps less. I can’t compete with people who do regular exercise or young people who don’t take medication. God bless everybody fitter and stronger than me.

I miss the times when I actually enjoyed life….

If I tried to write about not being mentally ill, I would have very little clue how to do it; and if I did write about it, it would sound too fake. Sigh, what shall I do with my life?

I’d just say play it safe. I have a lot of regrets about the foolish and evil things I’ve said to others in the past. They were usually people much tougher than me, and I’m glad I didn’t end up in the emergency department with broken bones!

Sigh, life. If I could write a book about my life, I would. That is if I could write a book about anything.

I am sort of getting behind in my life of online blogging. My blog on WordPress and my YouTube channel are of low, unenhanced quality, so I get very few views, and even less subscribers. To start making money from advertising on YouTube, you need 1000 subscribers and 4000 hours worth of viewing time in the last year. That is the algorithm that calculates whether your channel is worth watching or not.

I don’t even know how the paid advertising works on WordPress. I only serve like 100 ads to my viewers per month, and I get 0 dollars to my PayPal. Guess 100 views a month is too small.

But now that I’m not manic, do I actually enjoy anything? I wouldn’t say I enjoy computer games. I just play them to not be too tormented by boredom. It is a struggle to get to and from church, let alone stand for the English Divine Liturgy in the Greek Orthodox Church which goes for 75 minutes, roughly.

I would do a martial art class, but I run out of energy just walking to the venue where it is held. I must lack Chi energy. Chi as in Qi Gong energy.

The more I vegetate on my bed, the weaker and weaker my muscles become. I have moderate function, I wouldn’t call myself a high functioning autistic, as I can neither work nor drive a car. I am afraid of my own shadow.

If I wrote a song about how I feel, the chorus would go ‘nobody cares…’ Oh well, better luck for me next reincarnation….

Maybe I won’t be a pastor

Ummm, yeah, so I have this disease, which one moment I’m too happy, the next moment I’m too sad. Instead of schizophrenia, I have, no, not bipolar mood disorder, but, yes! you guessed right the 2nd time! schizoaffective disorder! So it’s like psychotic bipolar mood disorder. Or whatever.

I think I won’t be a pastor. Or a priest. Because I don’t want to make my own converts. I feel uncomfortable talking to strangers in the street. I feel like Jesus really let me down by giving me mental illness, so I’m not over the moon happy for my life in Jesus Christ.

I did do an article where I said about going to Mapleton QCCC. But I was manic back then, due to not being on medication, yet. So, if I didn’t have a mood disorder, life would mostly be very boring.

I thought about becoming a martial arts grandmaster, but I’m too lazy to actually attend classes. Unless I’m manic. I thought about becoming a fake martial artist, but I don’t have enough of an imagination to make up a martial art.

Oh well, guess I’ll stay a disability support pensioner for the foreseeable future.

Let’s do sport on camps

I have often asked myself, what would I like to do in life? What do I really wish for? Well, if you asked those questions now, I’d like to be a physically fit individual, who goes on church camps at Queensland Camping and Conference Centre Mapleton.

I remember the pond at QCCC Mapleton. I used to do kayaking there. It was so fun. I also liked the cabins there. They had good temperatures all year round (or at least, when I was 60kg back in 2005).

I remember this lecture hall. They’d give beautiful, uplifting sermons in this hall at QCCC Mapleton. I made a lot of friends here. But most of all, I liked competing in fitness challenges with other male campers.

In this video, I’m doing 16 push ups very poorly. But I’m surprised I can do push ups at my BMI. I can not do a chin up at my current BMI. My height is 180cm and my weight is 117kg, so my BMI is 36.1, otherwise in the moderately obese category.

But I miss being 60kg. When I was acutely psychotic in 2017, my weight dropped to 89kg but I gained it all back when I took olanzepine. But I think, on my current dose of medication, I’m losing 1kg a month. I’m on 150mg Invega Sustenna Depot injection.

But I suppose being the fastest, strongest, and fittest person on the camp was an ego boost for me. Especially if I wasn’t afraid of taking a punch. Or likely to vomit while doing 10 push ups. So I got to eat a meal a long time before doing a moderate exercise routine.

Sad thing is, I’m in the Orthodox church, and last I heard, they don’t really have camps, except for high school students. Guess I can always go on a tennis camp, huh?

I miss sparring with other campers at QCCC Mapleton in December 2005. That was so fun. I felt proud to take a punch to the face. But I think I’m too much of a sook to spar now.

In September 2005 at the Maxx 05 camp, some male campers were using the edge of the bed to do equivalent to handstand push ups. They had one hand on one bedpost and the other on the nearest other bed post, and they had their feet off the ground. Some guy could do 10 of those. Even when I was 60kg, I couldn’t even do one of those.

Hope I can go on a sport camp again one day, when we are all vaccinated against this horrible coronavirus.

Let us stand fast, with fear!

Although I have taken the vaccine, I still want to live a life according to Christ’s precepts, to get me into paradise, or to take away punishments in hell. Life is troublesome, and people in society are feeling burnt out, due to overwork or lockdowns. Life is a nightmare for some suffering from severe mental health issues. I try to pray for them.

We must all pray for the salvation of the whole race of humanity. God is merciful, God can make things right all at once, even through a couple of thousand righteous people praying. We must think to ourselves ‘maybe God will show us mercy, and take away this plague from under our midst.’ God can save whosoever He wishes, too. So never think you are beyond salvation.

Our battle is in our mind, in our thoughts, in our imagination. Satan tends to make us fantasise about things, and we suffer the wounds of his vainglory. So concentrate on the breath, for say 1-5 seconds, or as long as you can, so you may not give an ear to his fantasies. Satan once imagined himself as equal to God, and from there he exited paradise.

Try to focus on the breath, maybe say a few prayers, praying in your own words. Always hope that God can take you out of your current reality and place you in a better situation and circumstance. God is the God of healing, the God of salvation. By Christ’s death on the cross, He reconciled the whole world to Himself, and from His pain, He sympathises with each and every one of our weaknesses.

If deep breathing doesn’t work, distract yourself. Do housework, take out the garbage, do the laundry, read a book. You have got a lot to live for. Christ has called you out of darkness into His army to do battle for Him, against your sinful inclinations, against the demons, and against your former self. Know you are getting stronger everyday.

Try to continue battling against your sinful addictions, knowing that each success brings you closer to righteousness. God blesses the righteous, and covers His servants with a shield. The battle for your soul is not over until God takes your soul to heaven. Let us stand well, let us stand in awe, and fear of God! Let us attend!

God bless everybody

It’s almost the end of an 8 day lockdown for south-east Queensland. I hope everybody gets to go out and do what they love once this lockdown is over.

I took my first dose of Pfizer. Now, I did do an article saying I wouldn’t take the vaccine, but I changed my mind. I preferred a vaccine than getting sick with COVID.

But even though I disobeyed the old calendar movement, I still want to follow Christ, just not as strict as the old calendar zealots do. I think I’m still welcome amongst the new calendarists.

On another topic, if I were to go on a camp to Mapleton like I did in 2005, I would have to go on a non-religious camp, such as a tennis camp or mental health camp. Because I’m getting too old for Presbyterian university camps. I’d have no function there, as I do not have a good testimony about God. People look at me and say ‘You have schizophrenia. What good has obeying God ever done you?’

But I miss the camps in the past. I miss air cadets, tae kwon do, tai chi, and high school. But honestly, looking back, those activities were boring. I only liked them because mania acted as a screen blocking out my deep emotional pain. Well, at least I can make blogs now.

I do like to travel. But only for about 1 or 2 hours outside Brisbane by car, not going on the plane. Life stinks, but that is only because I’m not manic. I do get the opportunity to read the bible a lot. I’m reading the book of Exodus now.

Shout out to all my friends! I hope everybody does what they like! God bless! Amen.

Lockdown 2/8/21

Are my sins so great, that all of south-east Queensland must suffer? I have no justification for my sins. I do not know how I will get through the final toll-houses in the ascent of the soul to heaven. I ask God to have mercy on me, and on all those whom I pray for.

This would be the 3rd day of lockdown. Our governor decided to have an extension of this lockdown to contain the delta variant.

I really wish my prayers would be an offering acceptable to God. But my works are not enough. I’m begging God to have mercy on me, and on all those I know. But it is not enough, because I am vainglorious, and an angry person at heart.

I am praying that there be a little mercy shown to the Australian people. But I am not as St Paisios or St Porphyrios. I am an outcast from the kingdom.

Lord, be kind to us, particularly to the souls in hell!

Diary entries 09/03/21 to 14/03/21

These are more diary entries of my relatively uneventful life. Honestly, I have no humility, otherwise I would accept abuse at work! Since I am afraid of bullying at work, so I don’t attempt to look for work, therefore I have no humility. But I encourage everybody to love their enemies, regardless of whether they are family, friends, or strangers.

09/03/21

My support worker took me to the University of Sunshine Coast Southbank Campus. It was a beautiful place with impressive architecture. It reminded me of the times I went to Southbank TAFE.

12/03/21

I went to a barbeque with my English conversation group today. I was compelled to cook the barbeque. I probably won’t go to another barbeque, as they don’t understand I lack the skills to cook a barbeque. One of my friends called me a woman.

Then afterwards, my parents took me to some caryards. Why do my parents want to buy another car? It’s like a kind of sickness. It takes a lot of humility on my part.

I saw my mom’s friend today at her house, and I got to see her cat. Then we went to coffee club at a shopping centre. It was nice. It makes me wish I had more things to do everyday.

14/03/21

The weather should be getting cooler soon. It is getting tough through the first month of autumn, as the weather is still like summer heat. I’d like at least 5 months of this year to be cool.

I didn’t go to church, but I did do some housework. My parents are at my cousin’s house teaching her kids the piano.