In memory of the best version of me

I used to be thin. I used to be strong. But not anymore.

Now, I’m a lame version of me. RIP healthy and fit James. Hello chemically lobotomised James.

I saw my soul often, imagining it fly away, with the Holy Spirit. Nothing can fill a void which Christ left.

I feel very depressed today, as I was socially rejected on the weekend at a Russian and Greek Church.

It is very lonely.

Diary entries 17/06/21 to 23/06/21

17/06/21

I had a haircut today. I feel like a new man. My mom says I look 5 years younger.

Behold, I always practice diary writing to ensure my writing is always neat. Doctor’s writing is usually ineligible. Wow, if I’m not careful, my writing may be just as bad.

I introduced some Chinese people on qq to my WordPress. Hope it produces more traffic for my site.

22/06/21

Here I am, writing a diary entry at 9am in the morning. I slept very well last night, apart from having to get up every 5 hours to go to the toilet.

Yesterday was quite boring. I did art therapy and social tennis. I didn’t make a new friend.

23/06/21

Wow, it isn’t even 2022 yet. It is still 2021. I had bad dreams last night, in places that were far away earth-like realities. I woke up at 4am today, then went back to bed at 7am and slept for a long time after that. Coffee is affecting my sleep.

Diary entry 21/10/22

Actually, I understand if people are afraid of me when I mention my disability. They assume ‘all schizophrenics are violent’ so they immediately shun me when they hear my diagnosis. But if you were an outcast and treated with contempt, how can you NOT be violent? Doesn’t everybody deserve respect?

Oh, I forgot what you as a society think. Everybody deserves respect. Except the mentally ill, the homeless, the disabled, the downtrodden, those who can’t stick up for themselves, etc.

If the modern person was treated with scorn and contempt wherever he went, wouldn’t he lash out or commit suicide? I am a very strong person for NOT committing suicide, despite the lack of Godly respect I receive from people often more stupid than I am!

I am also a SAINT because I simply let others walk over me, demonstrating my immense forgiveness and my perfect humility!

Anyway, enough about that. I sort of understand why people dislike the mentally ill, especially when prisons are full of them. One got executed recently for murdering his daughter while having a psychotic episode. But still, the mentally ill deserve much more respect.

You say ‘pity the jails are full.’ Well, sinner, it’s a pity HELL IS NEVER FULL.

Last day before my overdue depot

Well, I was hoping I wasn’t going manic. On some days, I am feeling really stressed, with a painful feeling in my chest, on other days, I seem to talk too much.

Usually my problems compound after the 3rd week of being on the depot. My depot is currently set for every 4 weeks, but according to a mental health professional, the depot should stay in my system for at least 5 weeks. But it is recommended I at least take my depot every 28 days.

I was watching something about Johnny Bravo being an incel on YouTube. It lifted my spirits and gave me something to laugh at. I am not the ‘King’ of the incels, I’m just a medicated incel, so hopefully I won’t get angry at anybody. I keenly remember the wrong things said to me by other people when I’m in a sour mood.

Medication is a great chemical lobotomy. It prevents me from expressing extreme emotion. It is like an emotional flattener.

The world could do with more humility. I am glad to be a limited example of humility to others in my life and at church. But it is more of a lobotomy than true humility. Anyway, back to my life of being an incel. Ciao!

Hey! I can touch my toes!

For some reason, I can touch my toes. My legs don’t look 100% straight. And my back is bent wayyyy over.

I might upload a video of me doing push ups, to see how many I can do on extra medication. In the description of this YouTube video, I list what meds I’m on.

Meds slow me down, but they prevent me from going manic and becoming violent. I still haven’t learnt how to truly forgive. Each day, I think about the bad things that have happened to me. Not deliberately, they just pop into my mind out of nowhere.

Such is the life of a schizophrenic.

The loss of love

No, this post is not about lost love. That is something different altogether. This post is about a morale failure, which happened to me back in 2006.

This is when I had my first mental breakdown. It showed that I had a total distrust in God, and that I was a coward, as I couldn’t cope with the basic activities of life.

I wish it had been different, and I had a diagnosis of depression instead of schizophrenia. Depressed people only have to take meds for a short while, whereas schizophrenics have to take medication lifelong.

But I hope none of my readers suffer a mental breakdown. Anti-psychotics have a huge range of unpleasant side effects, from shakes to weight gain.

But I need my pills, as I can not cope with life, or the day-to-day moments of life. I wish I had faith and trust in Jesus. It would make my life so much more manageable.

God bless you all!

Paypal link: paypal.me/iakovoskriegor

Andantino

I have the ability to play the piano.

What I can perform, I usually show it on YouTube, within the context of a person on medication, to show others that people with disabilities can have some skills, too.

God bless all the people who view my blogsite.

I pray for the world, and the stability of its empires.

I can’t stretch

I can not get my butt to the floor with side splits or front splits. I am very inflexible. It may be due to my weight, but even when I was skinny, I wasn’t flexible.

I can do a front kick at hip height. I’m not really outstanding.

My former karate master said ‘Do stretching 4 times a week or more to become more flexible.’ I guess I’m just too lazy.

I apologize for not getting off my butt and working. I can barely stand for 15 minutes before my calves and ankles start to burn. I have very poor tolerance for pain.

Some Qi Gong

Even though I do Qi Gong everyday, I still can not avoid getting sick, such as with a sore throat.

I miss my 60kg body. I miss the ways things used to be. That is the price to pay for mental illness.

Now, I’m just a shattered shell. I am a husk of what I used to be.

God bless this world

I feel some relief, knowing I will ask for more medications for my schizoaffective disorder. I wasn’t feeling too good in the morning, and I wanted to rant and rave as I walked up the road to get fish and chips.

I suppose, God has given us the fruit of the ground, the plants of the earth, to carve remedies for various ailments. So I should make use of the benefits of anti-psychotics, particularly when I’m not humble enough to control myself.

I go to the depot in an hour, and will ask the doctor for more meds. God bless this world.