God bless this world

I feel some relief, knowing I will ask for more medications for my schizoaffective disorder. I wasn’t feeling too good in the morning, and I wanted to rant and rave as I walked up the road to get fish and chips.

I suppose, God has given us the fruit of the ground, the plants of the earth, to carve remedies for various ailments. So I should make use of the benefits of anti-psychotics, particularly when I’m not humble enough to control myself.

I go to the depot in an hour, and will ask the doctor for more meds. God bless this world.

3 days before my depot 30/5/22

I thank those who read my blog. It is nice to know somebody cares.

It honestly would be nice to get advertising revenue, or some sort of donations. I will figure it out one day. Although I have financial security, I would like to learn how to earn money online, as I have very very limited work capacity.

I have tried volunteering at an op shop in my city. But there was a workplace bully working at that op shop. I just left without reporting her, because she works 15 hours a week, while I barely managed 2. So I felt she was a more valuable asset to the company, so I just humbly left.

Actually, I wish I had an Ikigai, which is a Japanese concept. It is a job that has 4 characteristics: something I am good at, something the world needs, something I enjoy, and something that pays money. This job is an Ikigai. But so far, all I am good at is maintaining my mental well-being through medication compliance.

I thank all those people online and in real who support my mental health recovery. God bless you all!

6 days before my next depot

Alaska Mountains by NASA Goddard Photo and Video is licensed under CC-BY 2.0

I look at this image, and realise that the world is beautiful. Since 2017, I’ve had about 65 depot injections of Invega Sustenna over a period of 5 years. So it is roughly 13 injections a year, 1 every 28 days. I am getting used to the pain. I am grateful the depot keeps me stable, more than the tablets do.

Even though I feel cold, tired, and lonely, I still realise life could be a lot worse. Without the intervention of the mental health team in 2017, I could be dead by suicide by now. I’ve required medication for over 16 years now, but since 2017 I’ve been consistently taking it. 2017 was my worst psychosis, so I really put effort into taking pills and injections.

I really recommend that nobody take the stuff I take, unless they are suicidal and there is no way out. Because without my injections, I’d be suicidal too. I have a long way to go, but I have improved a lot, too.

I hope one day to not require injections, maybe swap injections for tablets. I even more pray that by the time I’m 50 I may not require medication anymore at all! I’m 32 now, and my friends have been praying that one day I may not need medication. I thank them for their prayers.

But the future is unwritten. There is a lot of uncertainty in the world. I can’t even begin to think about navigating the aerial toll houses on my passage from earth to heaven. My sins will cast me into hell. But I have given a few alms, I have asked the prayers of Saints, I am still a member of the Greek Orthodox Churches of Brisbane. There is still much hope yet….

It takes a long time

It takes a long time to cultivate any sort of humility. But, as our conscience bears witness, we should have humility in all situations. As God is supremely humble, so we too, should be humble, at least in a minor degree.

I’m getting over the traumas of old, but sometimes, the memories of the bad things I’ve done is too much for me. As I always say ‘better he who has never sinned than he who has sinned and repented.’

I committed many embarrassing things when I was not taking medication. How did I not know that I was schizophrenic and direly afflicted? Now, I’m beginning to cultivate a shred of humility.

I wish life was laid out for me like a red carpet. But then, how would I develop as an individual? How would I make progress, that I could offer to God, as a living sacrifice?

I can barely stand up on my own two feet. Yet somehow, through medication and God’s grace, I manage to cope, with the help of my parents.

Even though I need medication, I miss the days before I had to take medication. Before 16 years old, I never knew what medication was. I never knew the side effects it would have on my body. I sincerely wished I had enough positive philosophy to cope without medication.

Maybe, in a different reality, there is a me that copes without medication. Maybe, in a parallel universe, I am working a job. Maybe I am younger. Maybe I’m more handsome. But not in this reality.

4 days until my depot

Life is pretty dreary as usual. But at least, on the highest dose of medication, I am not hallucinating people making threats to me in the street, or having delusions that the police are gathering evidence to put me in prison. When you hallucinate all the time, it greatly reduces the quality of your life. It is a cross that not even Jesus or the virgin mary were willing to bear. In some ways, I am more pious than them.

I don’t think the Saints of the roman catholic or orthodox church could of accomplished their God-given missions if they suffered from mental illness. The Saints in Russia never visited mentally ill people, the mentally ill were always shut up in low quality mental institutions back then, screaming their heads off. It most likely seemed like God has truly handed the mentally ill (including myself) over to satan.

Sometimes I say to myself ‘God is lazy’ ‘God is lazy.’ I am comparing Him to the Queensland Police Service, the mental health system, and the social services system. But God would just say ‘all bad things are to teach everybody humility, so they will not go to such a deep level of hell if they got handed everything on a silver platter.’ The demons received countless gifts from God as angels before they sinned, so their guilt at having rejected the author of life is increased tenfold by ten.

God is doing His best, as much as a disapprove of His methods, to ensure people are as least demonic as possible in the hour of their deaths. Ie, if Donald Trump got everything he wanted, he would owe a lot more for God, so in his rejection of God, he would go to a very very deep level of hell. But since he experiences pain in this life, he will only go to a deep level of hell, rather than a very very deep level of hell.

Likewise, God will not attribute much blame to me, because God afflicted me heavily in this life, to minimize my torment in the next. I may even go to heaven! But probably not.

Back to the past

The best times in my life were the periods of happiness, joy and bliss I’d get before my next breakdown. The time preceding the breakdown was most likely a period of mania, as my disorder is schizoaffective disorder, which has a bipolar element to it.

This remix takes me back to late 2016 early 2017 period before my most severe breakdown in winter 2017. I wasn’t even off my meds. I was taking a moderate dose of medication. Even that wasn’t enough for me. I was taking 6mg paliperidone. The max legal dose a psychiatrist can prescribe is 12mg. So it wasn’t a low dose. Yet I had a severe breakdown in 2017.

But before that, I was listening to K-pop, as in the female artists. Their music and melodies were enchanting. They made me feel like I was actually desired by the female gender.

Alas, hit winter 2017, snap back to reality! But the manic period on 6mg paliperidone was fun while it lasted.

I was often going out with my female friend to the Gold Coast. I would take the Train there to see her at a local shopping mall. I was listening a lot to K-pop by various artists: Girls Generation, Jewelry, 2ne1, etc. Life seemed good while I was manic.

But I really regret trying to make friends with females, as I could not be a good boyfriend. I never really worked. I was always bludging off the government welfare system. Now, I’m trying to overcome my sins and work on acquiring humility.

God bless you all.

The night before my depot

I’ve been on injections since winter 2017. I was on depots before then, but I had breaks in between where I took tablets instead of injections.

It is strongly recommended that I take the depot of 150mg Invega Sustenna every 28 days. But my psychiatrist said that if my illness worsens, then I can take it every 21 days. But I prefer it every 28 days, as my weight begins to lessen towards the 28th day.

I weighed 119.7kg on the scales at the start of today. It has been the first time in a while that my weight was below 120kg. I was 60kg before I started taking medication back in 2006. I was in grade 11 when I had my first hospital stay. Before that stay, I weighed 58kg, afterwards, I weighed 80kg. Fancy how much damage anti-psychotics do to your body.

Today was ok at the shops, where I got a haircut for 10 dollars. Very cheap in my opinion. The way I felt was how I felt on a good day in grade 8 in 2003. I was doing tennis and rowing at Brisbane State High School. It was like a day during the holidays. Fancy that, my entire life is like a big holiday, as I receive the disability support pension!

Hopefully my anxiety won’t worsen once I get the depot tomorrow. I hope I can lose more weight, for my health. Also, having more confidence with the women would help lol.

Nah, no woman from the sushi train or hair salon would date me in a million years. They would ask ‘what do you do?’ I’d honestly say ‘I’m a schizophrenic on a pension.’ So they’d be like ‘how do I get out of here?’ LOL.

I’m undateable

I was watching a YouTube clip from Better Bachelor, and the presenter said he had never been happier since his divorce. He could do whatever he wanted around his house, he didn’t have to share his money with anybody, he didn’t have to go through another amicable divorce. He liked being single.

After watching that YouTube clip, I realised how much better off I am. After my ex borrowed money off me and never gave it back, I’m glad I gave her some almsgiving. As much as I miss her, I am kind of happy that she left me and got married to someone else.

But all things that happen to me in this life are God attempting to teach me humility, so that I may not judge or curse another in thought, word or deed. God is particularly good at teaching people humility. He teaches it through natural disasters, loss of loved ones, failed business exploits, mental breakdowns, foreign invasions, and everything that society would call ‘bad.’ God uses bad things to teach us humility, so we’d stop spitting in God’s face.

Each time we sin, we spit in God’s face, we dishonour him on that cross. I worried one time that each sin I committed increased Christ’s torment in hell. Such was my zeal, before my mental breakdown! I wish I could stop sinning! But my heart is not right with God, as much as I’m more humble than 16 years ago.

But, my friends, please pursue humility. You will be glad you did on your deathbed. You will be glad you cultivated love for God and neighbour in heaven.

Schizophrenics have it very tough

I have often heard narcissistic people tell me ‘get over it,’ or ‘pull your socks up,’ when they just don’t understand mental illness. Firstly, schizophrenia (and schizoaffective disorder, too) are CHRONIC and SEVERE mental illnesses. Schizophrenics just can’t ‘snap out of it.’ The brain is sick, and what doesn’t help is social rejection by half-wits in the community and at churches. It doesn’t help that we’ll most likely die alone, without ever having a relationship.

People without mental illnesses generally suffer heightened narcissism, a lack of empathy, a lack of humility and a lack of understanding about what schizophrenics go through on a daily basis. Not only that, but the mental health system is like the police service, they don’t do a good job.

2 things you can do to relieve a schizophrenic; DON’T FORCE MEDICATION DOWN THEIR THROATS. That is biological rape. And also, don’t spit in their faces, because if you had their condition, you’d be dead already in the grave from suicide. SO SHUT UP AND STOP BLAMING US FOR OUR CONDITION!!!!!!

Diary entries 19/4/21 to 29/4/21

19/4/21

Today I did a lot of activities, such as going to supermarkets and walking beside the Brisbane river. So I did things today. I didn’t have the stamina to make it to social tennis.

I suppose since I am interacting with the community, it is my civic duty to keep my vaccinations up to date. So that means I should get the Covid vaccine. As I have forsaken Jesus, so Jesus won’t protect me. God help us.

20/4/21

Today I was with my support worker. He advised me to do more exercise to help me lose weight. Hope it helps me.

28/4/21

I got a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. Maybe he won’t recommend an increase in meds. God bless fat pills.

29/4/21

Today was Dr Duke’s appointment. I managed to learn useful information from him.

I also took a bus to a school far away, where I could learn tae kwon do. Took me an hour and a half to get there in peak hour traffic. So much for learning martial arts.