Chemical lobotomies

If I didn’t take my medication, I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep at night.

2017 was a taxing year during the winter, when I had my worst psychosis. I believed I was going to jail, I believed people were following me, due to me hearing voices coming from nearby houses. I heard things like ‘he’s weird’ or ‘he’s acting really weird.’ They would usually accuse me, so I would often confess to others that I was a Christian terrorist, and then ask ‘what else do you want me to confess?’ like everything was a court tribunal.

I often asked my mom ‘what are you not telling me?’ due to my paranoia. I was waiting for the end. I prayed in the mental hospital ‘Lord, do not let me live to see the end.’ I felt like I was going to be killed by gangsters, who would kill everybody dear to me. I imagined there were gangsters in one of the hospitals I was in, who were on a mission to kill me.

But all these delusions stopped once I had the 3 rounds of shock therapy. I felt much better after that. But I have experienced a profound lack of respect from others inside the churches, whether Protestant or Orthodox. That’s why I don’t go to protestant churches anymore. They use a heat scanner on me to check for infection, but they don’t scan anybody else in the congregation.

Yeah. I think a lot of people need fixing up by the police services, even correcting them in the congregation. Pity the jails are full. Society is entitled to rejecting whoever it wants. Society, and particularly churches, are not inclusive.

It is a cool, humid night….

I noticed my most viewed blog post recently was ‘weak sparring.’ I believe the title sums it up in its entirety.

To be good at hand-to-hand combat, you got to be a tough guy. I am not a tough guy.

I was viewing videos about the selection process women and men use to get dates. Women are a huge amount more picky than guys. It is not the 20/80 rule, on tinder it is the 2/98 rule. I believe that rule is the top 20% of guys get 80% of the women, well on tinder, the top 2% of guys get 98% of the women.

Some guys go on tinder for years without getting a single date. Whereas a woman will have multiple sexual partners through tinder. I just hope the women don’t fall ill due to STIs.

Me? I’m a virgin. It is something I’m proud of, as I do not want to take the risk. I don’t want to become a father, as I’m practically useless. If my local church wouldn’t hire me as a minister, how would you expect me to get a job flipping burgers at my local McDonald’s?

In some ways, you got to be a tough guy to be attractive to a potential mate. The alpha males get women easily. I am not a Chad. I believe the proper name for me is ‘soyboy.’

Lord, have mercy on all the souls that are destined for hell, including my own.

My life so far 10/10/21

I did two things today, saw my relatives on my mom’s side, then saw my relatives on my dad’s side. Even though it was a Sunday, I didn’t go to church today. Lazy me. I felt emotionally crippled after my last confession.

My life is a tragedy. I am coping only by taking chemical lobotomies. It’s not a good way to live life or to deal with one’s problems. Of course, there are no solutions to my problems. If there were, I wouldn’t of needed to go on meds in the first place.

Well, I suppose I still have friends. Only one friend from my old high school. She treats me ok. The others disowned me, as I have a lack of respect towards others. I have friends from my English conversation class who are married. I have a few mentally ill friends. God bless them all.

My uncle asked ‘who reads your blogs?’ Well, not many people. Not enough to get advertising revenue on WordPress. Sigh, sad isn’t it? I haven’t got much potential.

It is really difficult for me to make new friends, as I am socially disabled, and I’m ashamed of my attempts to meet women in the past when I was manic. I feel so ashamed it impacts my self-esteem now. I really wish God hadn’t of had to teach me a lesson so badly through social rejection. Guess the solitary life is the life for me.

God bless all the social rejects out there, who are declining in functionality, like me.

My birthday

Dear WordPress. This morning is a good morning. I am sort of forgiving my enemies. My medication seems to be doing its job.

I had a birthday celebration on the 25th of September, as my birthday is on the 27th of September. It was fun for a brief moment of my existence. I just wish I had the capacity to achieve theosis.

Life is either boring or a nightmare. For me, it is more boring, as my medication is finally working.

It is the school holidays now. Maybe after art therapy I will spend time in the library reading my books. Wish me luck! God bless you all.

Humility

Yep, you are all right. I don’t have humility, as much as I talk about it. I do not have the humility to work. I do not have the humility to push myself beyond my limits so I do not have to rely so much on my disability support pension. But what can I do? I’m only mortal.

I suppose, if I were manic, I’d be able to eventually work a 20 hour shift, until the mania stopped and the depression set in. I really can’t work with customers as I do not know how aggressive they might be. I don’t have the humility to put up with rubbish from aggressive customers or management or HR.

I can sometimes put up with being insulted on qq chat, but sometimes they really get under my skin and I use my professional English knowledge to really insult them, saying things like that their only purpose is for their corpse to feed the worms at the cemetery. Great insult for all those trolls who take it too far!

But I have no humility. I have glimpses of it, I can control myself to a limited degree, but I do not keep a lot of the Lord’s commandments. I wish I did, but I haven’t been given the blessing by my priest to take communion at the Orthodox Church. Sigh, life is unfortunate. I wish I could do more for the emptiness in my soul.

I really wish for more humility so I wouldn’t brood with resentment over what the priests say to me, or have said to me. I can’t control them. People outside the church are frequently a lot worse, as Australian people have a poor code of conduct, generally speaking.

But violence doesn’t solve anything, as the police will just turn me into swiss cheese with their pistols and tazors. So I better not push myself too hard, as it could make my mental health a lot worse.

Diary entries 30/3/21 to 1/4/21

These diary entries are usually heavily edited from the original, so anything cringeworthy is removed. My life is rather uneventful, but due to my autism spectrum disorder, I do not conduct myself in an admirable way at all times.

30/3/21

First 24 hours gone by of a 72 hour lockdown. I think the lockdown will be extended. The world is getting tired of lockdowns, but I’m glad Australia cares about the weak.

My mother’s mother passed away a few days ago. Eternal be her memory. May her soul rest in peace. Life is a nightmare. We could not of served Jesus any better.

31/3/21

Towards the end of grandma’s life, I neglected sending letters to her. Poor grandma. I hope her soul is ok, wherever she is now. Eternal be her memory. May God grant rest to her soul.

This is the 2nd day of lockdown, which is likely to be extended, because of bad behaviour of a few Queenslanders. Lord, have mercy. Please do not let the anti-christ come. Have mercy on us all.

1/4/21

When I wake up, I do not even remember what year it is. 2007? 2013? The year I lost my soul in 2006 to mental illness? I spent most of my life in negligence. Even before 2006 I was negligent. In 2004 I didn’t even study or do housework, I just sat at home between school hours playing computer games.

I have always been possessed by the demon of sloth. I have very poor energy, unless I’m manic. I have never been able to work full-time or part-time. Even the old health food shop at Woolloongabba called ‘Miss’s Flanneries,’ wouldn’t accept me for a job interview. I must of looked really out of it back then.

Things seemed easier when I was 60kg. Maybe it was because I was manic then, I seemed to get a lot of things done back when I was in Air Force Cadets 219 squadron. Now 15 years on, my life was such a waste. I pray God has mercy on me and my friends.

Me doing exercise

I can’t believe I can still do these exercises, after all these years, and at my current dose of medication. I take 150mg Invega Sustenna Depot injection syringe, 200mg Desvenlafaxine, and 3mg paliperidone. It is very difficult to lose weight, unless I get nervous and stressed and stop eating. Then I will likely ask my psychiatrist for an increase in meds, which will bring back my appetite.

The only way to lose weight on medication is to starve yourself. It would be possible, if I were chained to my bed and released only to go to the toilet. That’s how bad the hunger is on medication. Anti-psychotics usually do that to you.

My sincere wish is none of my fellow bloggers may need to take anti-psychotics, as they are the worst form of medication. I don’t know why people are up in arms about the Covid vaccine, the Covid vaccine would have less side effects, long and short term, than long term anti-psychotics. I’ll probably be dead before I’m 60. Good thing I’m going regularly to confession with the priest. I hope to get past the aerial toll houses.

Law of attraction

Isn’t it odd how an Orthodox Christian wants to write on the law of attraction? Well, sometimes I like a break from Orthodoxy every now and then.

I am not very Orthodox, despite being chrismated in an Orthodox church. I don’t like the people, I don’t like the snobby attitudes of the worshippers and priests, and I don’t like fasting, due to being on medication which makes eating extra unavoidable.

I prefer the law of attraction sometimes, as it is more palatable than Orthodox Christianity, and it takes my mind of hell. I’m just hoping I can ‘create’ my way out of worrying about going to hell in the end. I’m not living my life up now with these limiting beliefs!

Sure wish I could make money off YouTube or WordPress. It’s a nice cool night in the start of spring. End of winter was quite hot. Now I just have to get my comfy mattress back into the room with the air conditioning for the hellish summer.

Sigh, I don’t have any advice on personal development, as I have never really developed myself personally. The law of attraction advice is ‘think you already have what you want, and you will get it.’ I sort of get some relief from pretending that I’m celibate, to stop preoccupying myself with my loneliness.

As much as I am unworthy of a girlfriend, I struggle with emotional issues of loneliness. Sometimes the cold is too much to bear. But distraction helps. YouTube also helps. I prefer looking up law of attraction videos than looking at Orthodox videos.

Going to confession wasn’t so bad

Today is 02/09/21. I went to confession with a priest for the first time in 3 years. It wasn’t too bad. He gave me a lot of gentle advice.

I belong in a Greek Orthodox Church in Brisbane. They are nice communities, usually the elderly go there, because life has taught them to appreciate what they have got. Mental illness has taught me humility too, it teaches me to depend totally on God. I am grateful for what God has given me.

Well, I try to be grateful for what God has given me. But apart from that, I have nothing much to say for today. I have no specific counsels nor themes, as my needs are largely taken care of, due to my Centrelink pension and my medication.

Confession is a life-giving sacrament, and it is good for the conscience. It’s nice just to have someone to talk to. It also gives great boldness to the soul on that fearful day of judgement, or at least that’s what I feel it does. But I shouldn’t accuse God, I should bless Him and thank Him for the trials He has sent me to test and purify me.

No one cares

Very few people care about me and my situation, and my lot in life. Even fewer people bless me and make an effort to spend time with me. But I should remember that it is not my fault, it is just the misinterpretation of my illness by outsiders.

Even my younger relatives on my mother’s side do not want to have anything to do with me. Same with the people in my grade from my former high school. But as it is written in the life of Elder Hatzi-Georgis of the Holy mountain, ‘no one cared, as the souls in hell only cared about themselves.’ So a lot of people, already in this life, are in hell, who are guaranteed a place in hell after their death.

As is said in the recount of the aerial toll-houses in the life of Taxiotes the soldier, ‘(the souls in hell) beg, but no one cares; they mourn, but no one comforts them.’ People both inside and outside the Holy Orthodox Church are in big trouble with God. I do pray regularly for them.

Actually, looking at this icon, I myself may go to hell, due to the sins I committed in primary and high school. I am being cursed with a lack of love from men and women because I hit, maimed, insulted, and judged men and women in primary and high school.

Maybe I will never get an opportunity to set things right. Maybe I should endure solitude and isolation, in hope that I would not be punished in the next life. God have mercy.