Before and after my diagnosis

From a young age, I knew something was wrong with me. I started having prodromal symptoms of schizophrenia from at least grade 5. That was back in 2000. Camps were nightmares back in 2000 and 2001. I would hallucinate the other children picking on me in school, even though they didn’t hate me. They hated me after I bullied them for imagined offenses against me. It was all my fault.

I was relating to my father that I hated the hokey pokey because it reminded me of the camps I hated in 2000 and 2001 that I went to because the students were forced to go on these camps back when I was in grade 5 and 6. Luckily I missed out camp in 2002 in grade 7, but only because I said my parents couldn’t afford it. My mum was upset when I said that I said that to the teacher. She didn’t like the teachers thinking my family was disadvantaged.

We weren’t poor, I just didn’t want to go on camp, because I was hallucinating that the other kids were bullying me. But they weren’t, I just needed to of entered the mental health system at a young age.

I prefer the macarena, as it reminds me of the camp I had mania at back in 2005. I was grade 10 by then. The illness had changed from plain hallucinations to hallucinations and bipolar elements. But, even worse than hallucinating people abusing me in 2000 and 2001, in 2005 I hallucinated that people were praising me. That’s why the camps I went to in 2005 were heaven on earth. I went on 3 of those camps.

But by 2006 the voices started abusing me, they abused me so much that I had my first suicide attempt by overdosing on sleeping tablets. I was first put on medication in the kiddy’s mental hospital. But I only recovered down the line when I had shock therapy. The psychiatrists of the child mental hospital didn’t even give me shock therapy when I badly needed it!

I knew things were wrong with me. In 2003 in grade 8 I was doing rowing and tennis. By 2004 in grade 9 I was on holiday with my parents up in north Queensland, where I made a promise to kill myself before my 18th birthday! Fancy that! Being on holiday and plotting suicide! I really didn’t want to live to see the future of the world, and even more my own future.

So my illness went in cycles. 2000 and 2001 I was depressed, 2002 and 2003 I was manic, 2004 I was depressed, 2005 I was manic, then 2006 I finally got some sort of treatment. Life is horrible with untreated mental illness. I don’t understand why I didn’t go into hospital in 2008 when I was an adult to get shock therapy. Guess lack of insight is the way the illness goes….

Oh, before I close this article, I remember I was attracted to a lady in grade 12 on the camp in 2005 during the winter in Brisbane. The camp was at Queensland Camping and Conference Centre Mapleton. She put her head on my shoulder in the meeting hall during the last day of the camp. Nobody kissed others on the camp, even though some were in relationships with others at the camp.

So, I was 16 on that camp in 2005, since I was kept down, I should of been in grade 11, so she wasn’t kept down, so, all things considered, she would of been 1 year older than me. So she’d be 34 by now, as I’ll be 33 this year. She probably had a child by now. She probably is happily married to someone else.

I would go on a camp with people my age, just the problem is, most of the ladies would be married, so I couldn’t hug them and be close to them, as a 34 yo lady’s husband would kill me. Such is the struggle of being a leftover man. Not that I am marriage material. I have no job, I live on a pension, I can’t drive, I am 3 out of 10 in looks, even when I was skinny I would only be a 5 out of 10 guy. So yeah, women are very happy when I practise celibacy and don’t bother them. lol

Back to the past

The best times in my life were the periods of happiness, joy and bliss I’d get before my next breakdown. The time preceding the breakdown was most likely a period of mania, as my disorder is schizoaffective disorder, which has a bipolar element to it.

This remix takes me back to late 2016 early 2017 period before my most severe breakdown in winter 2017. I wasn’t even off my meds. I was taking a moderate dose of medication. Even that wasn’t enough for me. I was taking 6mg paliperidone. The max legal dose a psychiatrist can prescribe is 12mg. So it wasn’t a low dose. Yet I had a severe breakdown in 2017.

But before that, I was listening to K-pop, as in the female artists. Their music and melodies were enchanting. They made me feel like I was actually desired by the female gender.

Alas, hit winter 2017, snap back to reality! But the manic period on 6mg paliperidone was fun while it lasted.

I was often going out with my female friend to the Gold Coast. I would take the Train there to see her at a local shopping mall. I was listening a lot to K-pop by various artists: Girls Generation, Jewelry, 2ne1, etc. Life seemed good while I was manic.

But I really regret trying to make friends with females, as I could not be a good boyfriend. I never really worked. I was always bludging off the government welfare system. Now, I’m trying to overcome my sins and work on acquiring humility.

God bless you all.

Winter sparring

This is from my YouTube channel. I must admit, getting punched in the face by gloves is not fun.

I miss the days from before I was on medication when I used to be able to take a punch. It’s like Moon Lee Tae Kwon Do made me tougher. It made me tougher while I was willing to participate in that activity. Now, I’m too fat and weak to bother to push myself.

It’s ok. Now I can listen to nice instrumental music on YouTube, such as Timelapse OST, crockett’s theme, clubbed to death, or instrumentals of popular songs.

Definitely beats the loneliness and isolation of being mentally ill. I feel sorry for my parents having to raise me through the times when I was psychotic. From 2006 to 2012 I was psychotic, and I only got better when I had shock therapy. I’m surprised the kiddies mental health didn’t give me shock therapy, but only kept me in the mental hospital for 10 weeks. Waste of taxpayer dollars.

Let’s do sport on camps

I have often asked myself, what would I like to do in life? What do I really wish for? Well, if you asked those questions now, I’d like to be a physically fit individual, who goes on church camps at Queensland Camping and Conference Centre Mapleton.

I remember the pond at QCCC Mapleton. I used to do kayaking there. It was so fun. I also liked the cabins there. They had good temperatures all year round (or at least, when I was 60kg back in 2005).

I remember this lecture hall. They’d give beautiful, uplifting sermons in this hall at QCCC Mapleton. I made a lot of friends here. But most of all, I liked competing in fitness challenges with other male campers.

In this video, I’m doing 16 push ups very poorly. But I’m surprised I can do push ups at my BMI. I can not do a chin up at my current BMI. My height is 180cm and my weight is 117kg, so my BMI is 36.1, otherwise in the moderately obese category.

But I miss being 60kg. When I was acutely psychotic in 2017, my weight dropped to 89kg but I gained it all back when I took olanzepine. But I think, on my current dose of medication, I’m losing 1kg a month. I’m on 150mg Invega Sustenna Depot injection.

But I suppose being the fastest, strongest, and fittest person on the camp was an ego boost for me. Especially if I wasn’t afraid of taking a punch. Or likely to vomit while doing 10 push ups. So I got to eat a meal a long time before doing a moderate exercise routine.

Sad thing is, I’m in the Orthodox church, and last I heard, they don’t really have camps, except for high school students. Guess I can always go on a tennis camp, huh?

I miss sparring with other campers at QCCC Mapleton in December 2005. That was so fun. I felt proud to take a punch to the face. But I think I’m too much of a sook to spar now.

In September 2005 at the Maxx 05 camp, some male campers were using the edge of the bed to do equivalent to handstand push ups. They had one hand on one bedpost and the other on the nearest other bed post, and they had their feet off the ground. Some guy could do 10 of those. Even when I was 60kg, I couldn’t even do one of those.

Hope I can go on a sport camp again one day, when we are all vaccinated against this horrible coronavirus.