Writing at midnight

This is my attempt at exercise a couple of nights back, when I weighed 122.2kg. When I stepped on the scales tonight, I weighed 122.5kg. Fancy that. Weight never goes down. At least it isn’t rapidly increasing.

I need the extra meds because I am so unstable in my life. I can not cope, not with the loss of grandma and some of her cats. It puts a terrible strain on me, and reminds me that my own parents will most likely go before me.

I will really miss my parents if they go before me. I hope they make it to heaven. It feels lonely here, as they are celebrating their 44th wedding anniversary somewhere nearby. But I bless them.

I hope grandma is in heaven.

I really hope nobody takes offense at this blog

This is my recent mild contribution to the internet.

I try to do some qi gong, hoping it would be inspiration to friends on my social media accounts.

I try to have positive self-esteem. But I get hypersensitive when I am scolded or criticised harshly.

I am still a little hollow on the inside, even though I take many vitamins.

It is about 12am midnight. I have insomnia, even though I’ve taken extra meds.

Goodnight all.

Everything was silent…

Well, not everything is silent tonight. My parents are entertaining themselves by watching the TV.

It is the night before my depot injection of anti-psychotic. I look forward to receiving a boost of anti-psychotic to treat my schizoaffective disorder.

I also bought extra meds from the late-night pharmacy because I wanted a little extra help getting to sleep. The meds provide some sedative effect.

I wouldn’t recommend anybody to go on anti-depressants or anti-psychotics. You become dependent on them. But, only take them if you are a danger to yourself or others, and you have exhausted all other options.

But, I recommend to my friends that they learn humility. Simple humility is the patient acceptance of what life offers us, health or sickness, wealth or poverty, honours or dishonours; knowing everything comes from God. He wouldn’t allow such things to come upon you if it weren’t for your eternal benefit.

Life is tough, I know. Some people breeze through life. Others, like me, struggle.

I do try to bless the Holy Trinity, but I do learn mindfulness, so that I can forgive the memories of the traumas I’ve received.

Forgiveness is a continual process. It involves accepting what happened in the past, and blessing the situation and person who dishonoured you.

Hope this helps. God bless you all.

My paypal link is:

paypal.me/iakovoskriegor

If anybody wants to help me

Pen Fifteen

Yes, I suck at martial arts.

But I practice them anyway. Though now I do more qi gong and gentle stretches, since my parents put up the cat enclosure.

I’m glad my parents are still alive. I have no way to honour them, except to give them a little of my disability support pension.

I thought I’d show a video of me sucking at martial arts, to fit with the video title.

God bless us all.

After the depot 22/12/22

Christmas is almost here! I got my depot today. My doctor had a lot of advice for me. But I might not put it into practice.

There is nothing to do in this city. You are either working or studying, you are not suffering from a mental illness. Guess no city caters for the mentally ill.

But either way, I feel depressed. I had anti depressants, anti psychotics, and coffee and tea, and I still feel blue. Guess that is how my brain is wired.

I miss the years before 2005. I miss the years before I had to take medication long term. Life was better, even at high school, because at least I’d have an activity that I could do.

Life is quite lonely now. I really wish I wasn’t expelled from high school. I wish I could of left on my own.

But either way, life is depressing. I might go practice contemplation, if I can.

God bless you all.

Diary entries 14/06/21 to 16/06/21

I want to re-commit to diary writing. I have left it off for over a year now.

14/06/21

Well, this is the 2nd journal I’m going through. I need to throw out this diary eventually too.

I surmise that Eckhart Tolle just believes in Jesus Christ as just a good man. Protestants and Orthodox alike would be furious at him for denying the Trinity. But they’d get furious at him and others for the most inconsequential of reasons. In my opinion, Jesus is God. But who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll deny Him.

15/06/21

I had a dream about hell last night. But I wasn’t in the deepest levels of hell, but the uppermost levels of hell, closest to God.

Maybe I’m not as bad as I surmise.

16/06/21

It is a day before I get a haircut. I also wonder whether I can get the Covid vaccine at my GP.

My life is long and arduous, even though I’m on the disability pension, with no obligation to look for work.

I just hope that today, as I go out, I can make a new friend. God bless me.

Hey! I can touch my toes!

For some reason, I can touch my toes. My legs don’t look 100% straight. And my back is bent wayyyy over.

I might upload a video of me doing push ups, to see how many I can do on extra medication. In the description of this YouTube video, I list what meds I’m on.

Meds slow me down, but they prevent me from going manic and becoming violent. I still haven’t learnt how to truly forgive. Each day, I think about the bad things that have happened to me. Not deliberately, they just pop into my mind out of nowhere.

Such is the life of a schizophrenic.

My obesity

This is roughly how I look. I am not flexible compared to people who do regular martial arts classes. However, I am more flexible than my mom and dad, who are in their 60s. What an achievement.

I am on the disability support pension for psychiatric impairment. I do have a slow metabolism. The reason I don’t lose weight is because the medication gives me an appetite. At my slow metabolic rate, I have to go a day without eating in order to lose weight. I pretty much have to starve myself.

Starving myself is not fun, unless I have no appetite caused by medication reduction and subsequent stress. If I go off my anti-depressant, but stay on my depot injection of anti-psychotics, then I will hear voices in the background in my room from out the window. It will give the illusion that the neighbours are constantly talking about me. But now I know it is just my sickness.

My mind doesn’t play tricks on me so much now, otherwise I wouldn’t even go to the shopping mall with my support worker, as I’d be so afraid of the voices.

I am a cow

I think old men sometimes have better flexibility than me. I wish I was more flexible.

I do not know if I already posted a blog with this video. If I did, here it is again for your convenience!

I think I can just barely kick above hip height on a good day.

I checked my weight on the scales. Just a bit under 122kg.

I still have trouble losing the weight. When I get sad and depressed, I often take extra meds, which further increases my appetite, which slows my weight-loss.

I wish I had better muscle tone. But it is ok, I just exercise for health.

My fall

When I was at the peak of my mental health breakdown, I weighed 58kg and was 180cm tall. That’s 5’11” in imperial measurements. But fortunately, when I got put on medications, I gained weight to about 80kg. Usually while I was manic in the 9 months leading up to my breakdown, my weight hovered around 60kg. Now I’m 120.2kg. But that wasn’t the heaviest I’ve been.

If I’m not careful with what I eat during the day, I can weigh up to 123kg. So I prefer my weight to always be less than 120kg, because that was twice as much as I weighed when I was acutely unwell.

Well, no girl wanted to date me, even when I was 60kg. It is my own fault. As a man who is a 3 out of 10 in looks, I think I should of stuck to celibacy always. It has been so embarrassing to ask out so many women in my time, only to be rejected.

I apologize to the many women I’ve made uncomfortable. I pray I’m not seedy anymore.