Chemical lobotomies

If I didn’t take my medication, I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep at night.

2017 was a taxing year during the winter, when I had my worst psychosis. I believed I was going to jail, I believed people were following me, due to me hearing voices coming from nearby houses. I heard things like ‘he’s weird’ or ‘he’s acting really weird.’ They would usually accuse me, so I would often confess to others that I was a Christian terrorist, and then ask ‘what else do you want me to confess?’ like everything was a court tribunal.

I often asked my mom ‘what are you not telling me?’ due to my paranoia. I was waiting for the end. I prayed in the mental hospital ‘Lord, do not let me live to see the end.’ I felt like I was going to be killed by gangsters, who would kill everybody dear to me. I imagined there were gangsters in one of the hospitals I was in, who were on a mission to kill me.

But all these delusions stopped once I had the 3 rounds of shock therapy. I felt much better after that. But I have experienced a profound lack of respect from others inside the churches, whether Protestant or Orthodox. That’s why I don’t go to protestant churches anymore. They use a heat scanner on me to check for infection, but they don’t scan anybody else in the congregation.

Yeah. I think a lot of people need fixing up by the police services, even correcting them in the congregation. Pity the jails are full. Society is entitled to rejecting whoever it wants. Society, and particularly churches, are not inclusive.

My life so far 10/10/21

I did two things today, saw my relatives on my mom’s side, then saw my relatives on my dad’s side. Even though it was a Sunday, I didn’t go to church today. Lazy me. I felt emotionally crippled after my last confession.

My life is a tragedy. I am coping only by taking chemical lobotomies. It’s not a good way to live life or to deal with one’s problems. Of course, there are no solutions to my problems. If there were, I wouldn’t of needed to go on meds in the first place.

Well, I suppose I still have friends. Only one friend from my old high school. She treats me ok. The others disowned me, as I have a lack of respect towards others. I have friends from my English conversation class who are married. I have a few mentally ill friends. God bless them all.

My uncle asked ‘who reads your blogs?’ Well, not many people. Not enough to get advertising revenue on WordPress. Sigh, sad isn’t it? I haven’t got much potential.

It is really difficult for me to make new friends, as I am socially disabled, and I’m ashamed of my attempts to meet women in the past when I was manic. I feel so ashamed it impacts my self-esteem now. I really wish God hadn’t of had to teach me a lesson so badly through social rejection. Guess the solitary life is the life for me.

God bless all the social rejects out there, who are declining in functionality, like me.

Weak Sparring

Do I not look radical? I think I look radical. Hopefully this promotion of my sparring will help get a little bit of views on my YouTube channel.

Is it weak sparring or week(ly) sparring. I hardly ever practise shadow boxing by myself when I’m at my home, now that the temperature is rising. It gets warm during October. In Brisbane, we had a hot couple of days in the last month of winter, which makes me worry about global warming. Sure wish the industrialised nations would stop polluting, as I prefer colder weather.

As I’m writing this, it is warm, but not humid, so it is a relief. I probably would only do gentle stretches and Qi Gong in my room with the air-conditioning on, though.

Any comments about my sparring form? From my perspective, I do not cover my face often enough, making it easy for my opponent to strike my face. Also, I was jumping around a lot, to give the impression that I have energy when I actually do not. My kicks are low, but my partners kicks are noticeably higher than my own, which I praise him for it.

Hope my blog is interesting!

Me doing exercise

I can’t believe I can still do these exercises, after all these years, and at my current dose of medication. I take 150mg Invega Sustenna Depot injection syringe, 200mg Desvenlafaxine, and 3mg paliperidone. It is very difficult to lose weight, unless I get nervous and stressed and stop eating. Then I will likely ask my psychiatrist for an increase in meds, which will bring back my appetite.

The only way to lose weight on medication is to starve yourself. It would be possible, if I were chained to my bed and released only to go to the toilet. That’s how bad the hunger is on medication. Anti-psychotics usually do that to you.

My sincere wish is none of my fellow bloggers may need to take anti-psychotics, as they are the worst form of medication. I don’t know why people are up in arms about the Covid vaccine, the Covid vaccine would have less side effects, long and short term, than long term anti-psychotics. I’ll probably be dead before I’m 60. Good thing I’m going regularly to confession with the priest. I hope to get past the aerial toll houses.

Beef patty (tofu) sparring

I think when I was 60kg at 15 years old, I would still spar pretty badly. I’m the fat one in this video, weighing maybe 120kg at the time, due to weight gain side-effects of the anti-psychotic medication. Fortunately, I’m losing weight at about half a kilogram a month.

Well, as you can see, I’m no tough guy. When me and my friend were the victim of a road rage incident, we just hid in our car. I am not able to confront anybody, due to my extreme cowardice. I am not a police officer.

My sparring technique is pretty bad, slow blocks, inflexible kicks, low energy. It is due to my disabilities, such as autism, and probably other brain damage from ongoing psychosis.

Slap, slap.

Me doing squat stretches

I am heavily overweight. If I can do these stretches, can I side kick above hip height? Can I do a decent side split? Probably not. But I think I look good doing these exercises.

Hope my blog gets more views. God bless everybody on WordPress.

Diary entries 9/2/21 to 11/2/21

This provides readers with an insight into the meanderings of a schizophrenic on medication.

9/2/21

I went to a Sikh temple with my support worker today. It was nice and interesting. The customs were interesting, just like the customs of the Orthodox Church. My dad got my new phone working for me, even though I thought it was broken. I guess it isn’t the end of the world.

10/2/21

My grandma kidnapped a neighbour’s cat today. Let’s hope she gives it back before she gets in trouble with the neighbours. I went and had my injection today. It was fairly nice. My dad fixed up my new phone. Optus is still transferring my old number to my new SIM.

Sigh. I felt energy go out of me when I went to the Sikh temple. But I never had the Holy Spirit anyway. This is nothing to be feared. Into Jesus’s hands I commend myself.

11/2/21

Today I am going to my psychiatrist. Boy am I pumped.

I came back from my psychiatrist. After that, my mum took me to Optus, to get my phone working. I have a working phone now!

I prayed unto Jesus today. I asked Him to have mercy on the human race, without blotting out humanity from the face of the Earth.

Sigh, eternity. As much as I cry out to God, I have very little faith in Him. I almost believe Him entirely separate from His creation. I hope to go to church on the weekend.

Me getting punched in the face

This is my video of me being punched in the face while wearing headgear. It certainly wasn’t comfortable for me!

Subscribe my YouTube channel if you like backyard sparring! As much as I’m Orthodox Christian, I have a fear of violence so I like to do mild sparring every so often, to not be so afraid if I get assaulted on public transport.

I don’t do classes, as I’m so lazy, and I don’t like the martial arts instructors around my area. They push me until I pass out or vomit. So I just do it with a friend who understands how weak I truly am!

My youtube account

Hello everybody. I am surprised how many good and honest people would even regard my blog. Thank you to all the nice people out there who support me on my journey to heaven!

I started a youtube account, which I pay premium for. I’m hoping people will like my videos. My channel’s name is ‘Mr Keai’, which means ‘Mr cute’ in chinese. Chinese language does not distinguish between the adjectives ‘lovely’ and ‘cute’. So my real name ‘James Owen Lovely’ is just ‘James Owen Cute’ in chinese equivalent. Otherwise in pinyin it’s known as Zhanmushi Ouwen Keai.

Anyway, my serious advice to all people seeking the kingdom of God, take one day at a time, go easy on yourself, especially if you are going to have a mental breakdown. In 2006, when I was acutely manic, I was doing high school, air force cadets, tai chi, and tae kwon do, then I lost my mind and ended up in hospital!

I don’t believe in the saying ‘no pain, no gain’. I believe, ‘push yourself too hard and you will get injured.’ I realise a lot of people out there will not understand weak people like me, such as David Goggins, or Jordan Peterson. But they have a certain mindset and set of genetics that makes them extremely tough. I am not like that.

I do not think I will ever become a CEO, or even any kind of leader, for that matter. But God gives gifts to everybody, some He withholds from others, while giving to someone else. Anyway, I’ll try to post my youtube link, so you can enjoy all my youtube videos. God bless!

Yay! It worked! Hope you all enjoy!