Hey! I can touch my toes!

For some reason, I can touch my toes. My legs don’t look 100% straight. And my back is bent wayyyy over.

I might upload a video of me doing push ups, to see how many I can do on extra medication. In the description of this YouTube video, I list what meds I’m on.

Meds slow me down, but they prevent me from going manic and becoming violent. I still haven’t learnt how to truly forgive. Each day, I think about the bad things that have happened to me. Not deliberately, they just pop into my mind out of nowhere.

Such is the life of a schizophrenic.

My obesity

This is roughly how I look. I am not flexible compared to people who do regular martial arts classes. However, I am more flexible than my mom and dad, who are in their 60s. What an achievement.

I am on the disability support pension for psychiatric impairment. I do have a slow metabolism. The reason I don’t lose weight is because the medication gives me an appetite. At my slow metabolic rate, I have to go a day without eating in order to lose weight. I pretty much have to starve myself.

Starving myself is not fun, unless I have no appetite caused by medication reduction and subsequent stress. If I go off my anti-depressant, but stay on my depot injection of anti-psychotics, then I will hear voices in the background in my room from out the window. It will give the illusion that the neighbours are constantly talking about me. But now I know it is just my sickness.

My mind doesn’t play tricks on me so much now, otherwise I wouldn’t even go to the shopping mall with my support worker, as I’d be so afraid of the voices.

I am a cow

I think old men sometimes have better flexibility than me. I wish I was more flexible.

I do not know if I already posted a blog with this video. If I did, here it is again for your convenience!

I think I can just barely kick above hip height on a good day.

I checked my weight on the scales. Just a bit under 122kg.

I still have trouble losing the weight. When I get sad and depressed, I often take extra meds, which further increases my appetite, which slows my weight-loss.

I wish I had better muscle tone. But it is ok, I just exercise for health.

My fall

When I was at the peak of my mental health breakdown, I weighed 58kg and was 180cm tall. That’s 5’11” in imperial measurements. But fortunately, when I got put on medications, I gained weight to about 80kg. Usually while I was manic in the 9 months leading up to my breakdown, my weight hovered around 60kg. Now I’m 120.2kg. But that wasn’t the heaviest I’ve been.

If I’m not careful with what I eat during the day, I can weigh up to 123kg. So I prefer my weight to always be less than 120kg, because that was twice as much as I weighed when I was acutely unwell.

Well, no girl wanted to date me, even when I was 60kg. It is my own fault. As a man who is a 3 out of 10 in looks, I think I should of stuck to celibacy always. It has been so embarrassing to ask out so many women in my time, only to be rejected.

I apologize to the many women I’ve made uncomfortable. I pray I’m not seedy anymore.

2 days after depot

I feel 50% better since yesterday’s sore throat. I partly attribute this to the amount of vaccines I’ve received. I’ve had my yearly flu shot, and I’ve been triple vaxxed against Covid.

I am now taking 3mg paliperidone tablets on top of my 150mg Invega Sustenna Depot injection. This is so that I can better control mania associated with my schizoaffective disorder, so I am not yelling to myself too much nor annoying women in my life too much.

I specially asked the GP for extra tablets. These tablets had already been recommended by my psychiatrist a year ago.

I feel I should get used to a lot of medications, so I learn to deal with increased appetite associated with heavy medicating. That is what the government will do to me if I end up in mental health jail.

God bless this world

I feel some relief, knowing I will ask for more medications for my schizoaffective disorder. I wasn’t feeling too good in the morning, and I wanted to rant and rave as I walked up the road to get fish and chips.

I suppose, God has given us the fruit of the ground, the plants of the earth, to carve remedies for various ailments. So I should make use of the benefits of anti-psychotics, particularly when I’m not humble enough to control myself.

I go to the depot in an hour, and will ask the doctor for more meds. God bless this world.

It takes a long time

It takes a long time to cultivate any sort of humility. But, as our conscience bears witness, we should have humility in all situations. As God is supremely humble, so we too, should be humble, at least in a minor degree.

I’m getting over the traumas of old, but sometimes, the memories of the bad things I’ve done is too much for me. As I always say ‘better he who has never sinned than he who has sinned and repented.’

I committed many embarrassing things when I was not taking medication. How did I not know that I was schizophrenic and direly afflicted? Now, I’m beginning to cultivate a shred of humility.

I wish life was laid out for me like a red carpet. But then, how would I develop as an individual? How would I make progress, that I could offer to God, as a living sacrifice?

I can barely stand up on my own two feet. Yet somehow, through medication and God’s grace, I manage to cope, with the help of my parents.

Even though I need medication, I miss the days before I had to take medication. Before 16 years old, I never knew what medication was. I never knew the side effects it would have on my body. I sincerely wished I had enough positive philosophy to cope without medication.

Maybe, in a different reality, there is a me that copes without medication. Maybe, in a parallel universe, I am working a job. Maybe I am younger. Maybe I’m more handsome. But not in this reality.

2 days before my depot

My thoughts are slightly accelerated, as I am feeling quite fast due to my medication departing from my system.

Life is still as boring as ever, but I still find things to do.

I still wish I could of made a name for myself, but I guess it was not my destiny to do so.

I preach and practise humility, or at least my version of it. Some may call it self-deprecation. But I don’t mind when people tell me to be more positive. It further teaches me humility.

I wish my pills made me lose weight instead of keep the weight that I already have. It is very difficult to burn any fat while on the medication.

Well, that’s it for me. God bless you all.

My trip to the psychiatrist

This is probably the 500th time I’ve consulted a psychiatrist. It ain’t anything special, except the psychiatrist sympathises with me and respects me.

I asked about medication reductions. He said it is better to stay on the current dose until I feel very stable in my life. I mean unless I’m enjoying life. Because reducing meds increases the risk of a psychotic breakdown.

He also said that research has shown that the outcome for people on injections of anti-psychotic medication is better than for those who take anti-psychotics in a tablet form.

I said I wanted to know his opinion on ‘being on the lowest dose necessary to maintain mental wellness.’ I think this dose IS the lowest dose. Even though it is the max dose of the anti-psychotic.

I recommend psychiatrists for people who have no where else to go, where alternative treatments haven’t helped and they are at risk of suicide. Life is beautiful, however boring it may be. Who knows, dear reader, you may meet your true love if you stay alive long enough!

The night before my depot

I’ve been on injections since winter 2017. I was on depots before then, but I had breaks in between where I took tablets instead of injections.

It is strongly recommended that I take the depot of 150mg Invega Sustenna every 28 days. But my psychiatrist said that if my illness worsens, then I can take it every 21 days. But I prefer it every 28 days, as my weight begins to lessen towards the 28th day.

I weighed 119.7kg on the scales at the start of today. It has been the first time in a while that my weight was below 120kg. I was 60kg before I started taking medication back in 2006. I was in grade 11 when I had my first hospital stay. Before that stay, I weighed 58kg, afterwards, I weighed 80kg. Fancy how much damage anti-psychotics do to your body.

Today was ok at the shops, where I got a haircut for 10 dollars. Very cheap in my opinion. The way I felt was how I felt on a good day in grade 8 in 2003. I was doing tennis and rowing at Brisbane State High School. It was like a day during the holidays. Fancy that, my entire life is like a big holiday, as I receive the disability support pension!

Hopefully my anxiety won’t worsen once I get the depot tomorrow. I hope I can lose more weight, for my health. Also, having more confidence with the women would help lol.

Nah, no woman from the sushi train or hair salon would date me in a million years. They would ask ‘what do you do?’ I’d honestly say ‘I’m a schizophrenic on a pension.’ So they’d be like ‘how do I get out of here?’ LOL.