It takes a long time

It takes a long time to cultivate any sort of humility. But, as our conscience bears witness, we should have humility in all situations. As God is supremely humble, so we too, should be humble, at least in a minor degree.

I’m getting over the traumas of old, but sometimes, the memories of the bad things I’ve done is too much for me. As I always say ‘better he who has never sinned than he who has sinned and repented.’

I committed many embarrassing things when I was not taking medication. How did I not know that I was schizophrenic and direly afflicted? Now, I’m beginning to cultivate a shred of humility.

I wish life was laid out for me like a red carpet. But then, how would I develop as an individual? How would I make progress, that I could offer to God, as a living sacrifice?

I can barely stand up on my own two feet. Yet somehow, through medication and God’s grace, I manage to cope, with the help of my parents.

Even though I need medication, I miss the days before I had to take medication. Before 16 years old, I never knew what medication was. I never knew the side effects it would have on my body. I sincerely wished I had enough positive philosophy to cope without medication.

Maybe, in a different reality, there is a me that copes without medication. Maybe, in a parallel universe, I am working a job. Maybe I am younger. Maybe I’m more handsome. But not in this reality.

2 days before my depot

My thoughts are slightly accelerated, as I am feeling quite fast due to my medication departing from my system.

Life is still as boring as ever, but I still find things to do.

I still wish I could of made a name for myself, but I guess it was not my destiny to do so.

I preach and practise humility, or at least my version of it. Some may call it self-deprecation. But I don’t mind when people tell me to be more positive. It further teaches me humility.

I wish my pills made me lose weight instead of keep the weight that I already have. It is very difficult to burn any fat while on the medication.

Well, that’s it for me. God bless you all.

My trip to the psychiatrist

This is probably the 500th time I’ve consulted a psychiatrist. It ain’t anything special, except the psychiatrist sympathises with me and respects me.

I asked about medication reductions. He said it is better to stay on the current dose until I feel very stable in my life. I mean unless I’m enjoying life. Because reducing meds increases the risk of a psychotic breakdown.

He also said that research has shown that the outcome for people on injections of anti-psychotic medication is better than for those who take anti-psychotics in a tablet form.

I said I wanted to know his opinion on ‘being on the lowest dose necessary to maintain mental wellness.’ I think this dose IS the lowest dose. Even though it is the max dose of the anti-psychotic.

I recommend psychiatrists for people who have no where else to go, where alternative treatments haven’t helped and they are at risk of suicide. Life is beautiful, however boring it may be. Who knows, dear reader, you may meet your true love if you stay alive long enough!

The night before my depot

I’ve been on injections since winter 2017. I was on depots before then, but I had breaks in between where I took tablets instead of injections.

It is strongly recommended that I take the depot of 150mg Invega Sustenna every 28 days. But my psychiatrist said that if my illness worsens, then I can take it every 21 days. But I prefer it every 28 days, as my weight begins to lessen towards the 28th day.

I weighed 119.7kg on the scales at the start of today. It has been the first time in a while that my weight was below 120kg. I was 60kg before I started taking medication back in 2006. I was in grade 11 when I had my first hospital stay. Before that stay, I weighed 58kg, afterwards, I weighed 80kg. Fancy how much damage anti-psychotics do to your body.

Today was ok at the shops, where I got a haircut for 10 dollars. Very cheap in my opinion. The way I felt was how I felt on a good day in grade 8 in 2003. I was doing tennis and rowing at Brisbane State High School. It was like a day during the holidays. Fancy that, my entire life is like a big holiday, as I receive the disability support pension!

Hopefully my anxiety won’t worsen once I get the depot tomorrow. I hope I can lose more weight, for my health. Also, having more confidence with the women would help lol.

Nah, no woman from the sushi train or hair salon would date me in a million years. They would ask ‘what do you do?’ I’d honestly say ‘I’m a schizophrenic on a pension.’ So they’d be like ‘how do I get out of here?’ LOL.

Losing weight on medication

What I mean by the title is, how does one lose weight on anti-psychotics? Well, it depends on the anti-psychotic the doctor prescribes you, and how your schizophrenia affects your desire to eat. Like, a well person on a low dose of olanzapine for sleep disturbance may gain weight while a severely psychotic schizophrenic on the max dose of olanzapine and paliperidone might lose weight due to anxiety experienced from constant auditory hallucinations.

I’ve heard that people respond to anxiety differently. Some people stop eating when severely anxious while others may gorge on food when anxious. So if you are the type that stops eating when anxious, it may be useful to tailor your medication to a dose that makes you well enough to stay out of hospital, but you still feel limited anxiety so that you don’t eat much.

My recommendation for myself is this: either I reduce the anti-depressant by 100mg or I reduce the injection of anti-psychotic by 50mg. I’m currently on 200mg of anti-depressant and 150mg of injectable form of anti-psychotic. My anti psychotic injection is Invega Sustenna, which is neither good nor bad for weight gain, according to my doctor. But the risk is, I may ring up the hospital for a hospital stay, and the psychiatrist will just prescribe me more fat pills.

So it is best to stay out of hospital, because a schizophrenic will just gain weight in hospital. The medication causes fat to be stored around the cheeks, stomach, and breasts, thereby giving schizophrenics the appearance of a medication belly. It’s good the meds act as chemical castratives, thereby reducing their desire to seek a partner, because the meds cause the schizophrenic to become significantly uglier, drastically reducing their chances of finding a partner.

That’s the advice of a schizophrenic for fellow schizophrenics. Hope it helps!

2 days before my depot is due

It’s not nice to be on medication that has significant side effects, such as weight gain.

Most schizophrenics are given newer anti-psychotics, because the older anti-psychotics cause the body to shake and spasm.

I remember when I was on olanzapine as well as Invega, I would shake every 10 seconds. I remember knocking over the coffee cup with coffee in it all over the computer due to a shake. So it is better not to take more than 1 anti-psychotic.

Things are more stable now, as I occupy my time in limited ways. I go to psycho-social rehabilitation every so often, I see my support worker on a Tuesday, I go to art therapy every 2nd Monday, I go shopping with my parents nearly once a day, and the rest of the time I’m playing computer games. I also do stretching, mindfulness and qi gong. It helps me enjoy and improve myself.

I’ve kind of accepted that I will never be a priest, as I can’t drive a car, and no church will hire me. They sort of want somebody who will give a good turnover in profits. Most ministers only care about how big their congregations are. More people, more people giving donations, the earlier the minister can retire.

I am thankful I get a Centrelink pension, and that there are hospitals to go to if I need a break from society, or I get mentally unwell. I am thankful for my private health cover, so I can go to a quality hospital.

Diary entries 19/4/21 to 29/4/21

19/4/21

Today I did a lot of activities, such as going to supermarkets and walking beside the Brisbane river. So I did things today. I didn’t have the stamina to make it to social tennis.

I suppose since I am interacting with the community, it is my civic duty to keep my vaccinations up to date. So that means I should get the Covid vaccine. As I have forsaken Jesus, so Jesus won’t protect me. God help us.

20/4/21

Today I was with my support worker. He advised me to do more exercise to help me lose weight. Hope it helps me.

28/4/21

I got a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. Maybe he won’t recommend an increase in meds. God bless fat pills.

29/4/21

Today was Dr Duke’s appointment. I managed to learn useful information from him.

I also took a bus to a school far away, where I could learn tae kwon do. Took me an hour and a half to get there in peak hour traffic. So much for learning martial arts.

Chemical lobotomies

If I didn’t take my medication, I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep at night.

2017 was a taxing year during the winter, when I had my worst psychosis. I believed I was going to jail, I believed people were following me, due to me hearing voices coming from nearby houses. I heard things like ‘he’s weird’ or ‘he’s acting really weird.’ They would usually accuse me, so I would often confess to others that I was a Christian terrorist, and then ask ‘what else do you want me to confess?’ like everything was a court tribunal.

I often asked my mom ‘what are you not telling me?’ due to my paranoia. I was waiting for the end. I prayed in the mental hospital ‘Lord, do not let me live to see the end.’ I felt like I was going to be killed by gangsters, who would kill everybody dear to me. I imagined there were gangsters in one of the hospitals I was in, who were on a mission to kill me.

But all these delusions stopped once I had the 3 rounds of shock therapy. I felt much better after that. But I have experienced a profound lack of respect from others inside the churches, whether Protestant or Orthodox. That’s why I don’t go to protestant churches anymore. They use a heat scanner on me to check for infection, but they don’t scan anybody else in the congregation.

Yeah. I think a lot of people need fixing up by the police services, even correcting them in the congregation. Pity the jails are full. Society is entitled to rejecting whoever it wants. Society, and particularly churches, are not inclusive.

My life so far 10/10/21

I did two things today, saw my relatives on my mom’s side, then saw my relatives on my dad’s side. Even though it was a Sunday, I didn’t go to church today. Lazy me. I felt emotionally crippled after my last confession.

My life is a tragedy. I am coping only by taking chemical lobotomies. It’s not a good way to live life or to deal with one’s problems. Of course, there are no solutions to my problems. If there were, I wouldn’t of needed to go on meds in the first place.

Well, I suppose I still have friends. Only one friend from my old high school. She treats me ok. The others disowned me, as I have a lack of respect towards others. I have friends from my English conversation class who are married. I have a few mentally ill friends. God bless them all.

My uncle asked ‘who reads your blogs?’ Well, not many people. Not enough to get advertising revenue on WordPress. Sigh, sad isn’t it? I haven’t got much potential.

It is really difficult for me to make new friends, as I am socially disabled, and I’m ashamed of my attempts to meet women in the past when I was manic. I feel so ashamed it impacts my self-esteem now. I really wish God hadn’t of had to teach me a lesson so badly through social rejection. Guess the solitary life is the life for me.

God bless all the social rejects out there, who are declining in functionality, like me.

Weak Sparring

Do I not look radical? I think I look radical. Hopefully this promotion of my sparring will help get a little bit of views on my YouTube channel.

Is it weak sparring or week(ly) sparring. I hardly ever practise shadow boxing by myself when I’m at my home, now that the temperature is rising. It gets warm during October. In Brisbane, we had a hot couple of days in the last month of winter, which makes me worry about global warming. Sure wish the industrialised nations would stop polluting, as I prefer colder weather.

As I’m writing this, it is warm, but not humid, so it is a relief. I probably would only do gentle stretches and Qi Gong in my room with the air-conditioning on, though.

Any comments about my sparring form? From my perspective, I do not cover my face often enough, making it easy for my opponent to strike my face. Also, I was jumping around a lot, to give the impression that I have energy when I actually do not. My kicks are low, but my partners kicks are noticeably higher than my own, which I praise him for it.

Hope my blog is interesting!