After the depot 22/12/22

Christmas is almost here! I got my depot today. My doctor had a lot of advice for me. But I might not put it into practice.

There is nothing to do in this city. You are either working or studying, you are not suffering from a mental illness. Guess no city caters for the mentally ill.

But either way, I feel depressed. I had anti depressants, anti psychotics, and coffee and tea, and I still feel blue. Guess that is how my brain is wired.

I miss the years before 2005. I miss the years before I had to take medication long term. Life was better, even at high school, because at least I’d have an activity that I could do.

Life is quite lonely now. I really wish I wasn’t expelled from high school. I wish I could of left on my own.

But either way, life is depressing. I might go practice contemplation, if I can.

God bless you all.

I feel good, for a change

Even though I have very mild back pain from playing too many computer games, I feel good. I feel good because I had a cup of chai latte. It really hit the spot.

Maybe it is because I am 2 days away from my depot. Even though I have left my psychiatrist and been transferred to my GP, I probably won’t ask for tablets instead of my depot.

I need the depot to get through the loneliness of the holidays. I am not good at making new friends, well, anywhere. My self-esteem is too low.

I try not to bother others. Sure, the depot is a little prick, but I am glad to have it.

Maybe later I can come off the depot and go on a tablet form of the medication.

My previous posts

I look at the majority of my posts, and I realise I have managed to keep it largely together.

But nobody cares about this blog anyway.

I hardly even make new friends here.

It’s a lonely road.

I almost cried at the library today. I tried to keep it together. I just left when I was about to cry. I wanted to cry because I have few friends and very poor social connections.

I’m still very obese. My meds don’t make me want to practice abstinence via starvation. The only way to lose weight on medication is to starve yourself.

Life is very lonely. The fact I’m dishonoured doesn’t make it any easier.

Maybe I will go to my bedroom and pray.

One of my cats

For a cat, she snores pretty loudly.

It’s midnight here on a Saturday evening, and it is early spring. Things aren’t too hot, yet. But we will be complaining about the heat in about a month’s time.

I am beginning to miss winter already. But I miss more when I was 60kg and able to tolerate the heat better. And also, when I didn’t need my air conditioner so much to cool me down.

My ex came over today with her husband. He looks like a very humble man.

I accept her because I’m lonely, and will never have a real relationship with a lady, because I’m too disabled, and I don’t have an occupation. Such is my life.

I had a 6 hour nap after I came back from going out with my ex, her husband, and her friend. Things are very lonely for me.

I wish things could of been better. But secretly, no matter how hard I try, I believe I will not save my soul. But I must struggle harder!

The departure of love

God is love, so the departure of love can mean the departure of the holy spirit, where God leaves me a cold, lifeless man.

I felt broken when I came down with mental health issues. I felt broken when the holy spirit left me, as He left Saul, first king of Israel. I felt all alone in my depression, yet people tried to reach out to me, but all I could receive from them were auditory hallucinations.

It’s a cold, lonely life. There isn’t much purpose for anybody, except the holiest of Saints in the Catholic and Orthodox churches.

Sure wish I had purpose.

It is 3 days since my depot injection. I might of had at least 60 or more depots since 2017. I had a few depots of anti-psychotic from 2012 to 2015 I think.

It’s been a long road. The path to recovery is not there. There is no perfect recovery from schizophrenia. Perfect recovery means coming off meds and not relapsing. But I am stabilised on medication. But I don’t want to be on those horrible needles and tablets.

I had a bad dream last night. It was about my phobias. I was in a dark place, trying to do whatever it took to leave that place, which was like a barren landscape. It was lonely in that dream, just like it is in life.

Face in the crowd

I was a little lonely today. I found out my cousin was making many lady friends. I felt a little depressed. I’m just a single person. I try to practice celibacy, to not bother women, or waste anybody else’s time.

I talked to a lady tonight at social tennis. She was from Japan. She had a western accent. She was nice to me. I didn’t tell her I had a disability. I don’t think she would of wanted to talk to me if I told her I had a schizo disorder.

But, overall, life is very lonely. It does teach me humility. It teaches me to love my enemies, and not be embittered towards them. God bless all people who have corrected me.

5 days before my next depot

It is a cool night. I feel cold and alone in my soul. I went out to the library today. Apart from that, I played computer games most of the time. I had pizza slices at a kebab place near the library for lunch today.

There is so much luxury food items in today’s shopping malls. The book I was reading today called ‘Unseen Warfare’ was written in a time when it was hard to get luxuries. So I can not imagine living without coffee, sugar, chocolate, computer games, and coffee milk! I need them to lift up my emotions a little.

I am not ascetic. I try self-denial in the form of not correcting others harshly. I know what it is like to be corrected and rebuked. It is not a pleasant experience. Therefore, I attempt to be nice to everybody I know.

My mom’s friend said that 95% of what we said we’ve said before and only 5% of what we say is new information. I am full of repetitive garbage. As me and dad were coming home from Coles at night, I related to him information I learnt from YouTube about a homeless woman in Japan. I also said this same information to my support worker a day earlier.

I wish I was an original content creator. I mean, at least creative in my thoughts. But most of my blog, and what I say, is recycled information. It would be worse if I wasn’t on medication, as I wouldn’t be able to focus and stay on topic, but would jump around everywhere in my topics of conversation. I wouldn’t say anything relevant. Such is the severity of my sickness.

I was playing Borderlands 2 just now. I was trying to come across Eridium in the game. It is used for character upgrades. I am glad for the luxury of computer games. I am glad I have money to buy food and pay bills. Even though I am cold and lonely, and my life feels empty, life is good.

Maybe I’ll continue paying for premium

My friend recommended that I keep maintaining this blog. That friend said I have an interesting blog. I hope other people feel the same way.

Even though I have a YouTube channel, I can’t edit videos. I do better editing blogs, as they have similar tools to the stuff I learnt at primary and high school. YouTube is too advanced for me.

On my YouTube channel, my Tai Chi and Tae Kwon Do is not too good. I am glad I’ve only got trolled a few times on YouTube. It teaches me humility.

I’m learning to love everybody who I’ve ever met. Well, at least to bless those who have socially rejected or offended me. I think that is enough for humility.

Forgive, and you shall be forgiven, said the Son of God. Buddha once said ‘if you can not help anybody, at least do no harm.’ I will bless my enemies from a distance. Fortunately the medication keeps me from getting angry.

I’m glad war has not so far come to Australia. We are in the early voting stage for another federal election. I just hope the new government will continue honouring people’s freedoms and giving welfare to the disadvantaged. I just hope no new government makes me pay back the money I’ve collected from the Disability Pension.

Life is cold and lonely, and sometimes I want to overeat. But in the last 2 days I’ve been eating salads, so they have mostly been helping my mind. It gives me positive energy.

I wish my soul would look up with the eyes of faith and stop being so downcast. But maybe this trial is sent by God to teach me humility.

I really wish I didn’t consume so many resources.

Law of attraction

Isn’t it odd how an Orthodox Christian wants to write on the law of attraction? Well, sometimes I like a break from Orthodoxy every now and then.

I am not very Orthodox, despite being chrismated in an Orthodox church. I don’t like the people, I don’t like the snobby attitudes of the worshippers and priests, and I don’t like fasting, due to being on medication which makes eating extra unavoidable.

I prefer the law of attraction sometimes, as it is more palatable than Orthodox Christianity, and it takes my mind off hell. I’m just hoping I can ‘create’ my way out of worrying about going to hell in the end. I’m not living my life up now with these limiting beliefs!

Sure wish I could make money off YouTube or WordPress. It’s a nice cool night in the start of spring. End of winter was quite hot. Now I just have to get my comfy mattress back into the room with the air conditioning for the hellish summer.

Sigh, I don’t have any advice on personal development, as I have never really developed myself personally. The law of attraction advice is ‘think you already have what you want, and you will get it.’ I sort of get some relief from pretending that I’m celibate, to stop preoccupying myself with my loneliness.

As much as I am unworthy of a girlfriend, I struggle with emotional issues of loneliness. Sometimes the cold is too much to bear. But distraction helps. YouTube also helps. I prefer looking up law of attraction videos than looking at Orthodox videos.

The Holy Spirit

I do remember the better times in life, before I had mental illness. But in actual fact, life is a continuum, but the emotions go up and down. Sometimes they are really up, but actually really downward emotions can kill you. They can drive you to attempting suicide, like I did in 2006, 2007, and 2017.

The cause of suicidal ideation is pride. We are saying to God ‘I’m fed up with not getting my way, so I’m going to murder this body you gave to me.’ It shows a lack of gratitude and humility, bearing patiently whatever God’s will is for us. Such are the times.

At the time I was suicidal, I would certainly of claimed the opposite, but indeed, it is a hatred and contempt for not only our lot in life, but of God Himself. The only way out of despair is humility, a patient endurance of the affliction, according to the Desert Fathers of the Orthodox Church.

It’s hotter in hell.