Tag: lack of drive

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Maybe I’ll continue paying for premium

My friend recommended that I keep maintaining this blog. That friend said I have an interesting blog. I hope other people feel the same way.

Even though I have a YouTube channel, I can’t edit videos. I do better editing blogs, as they have similar tools to the stuff I learnt at primary and high school. YouTube is too advanced for me.

On my YouTube channel, my Tai Chi and Tae Kwon Do is not too good. I am glad I’ve only got trolled a few times on YouTube. It teaches me humility.

I’m learning to love everybody who I’ve ever met. Well, at least to bless those who have socially rejected or offended me. I think that is enough for humility.

Forgive, and you shall be forgiven, said the Son of God. Buddha once said ‘if you can not help anybody, at least do no harm.’ I will bless my enemies from a distance. Fortunately the medication keeps me from getting angry.

I’m glad war has not so far come to Australia. We are in the early voting stage for another federal election. I just hope the new government will continue honouring people’s freedoms and giving welfare to the disadvantaged. I just hope no new government makes me pay back the money I’ve collected from the Disability Pension.

Life is cold and lonely, and sometimes I want to overeat. But in the last 2 days I’ve been eating salads, so they have mostly been helping my mind. It gives me positive energy.

I wish my soul would look up with the eyes of faith and stop being so downcast. But maybe this trial is sent by God to teach me humility.

I really wish I didn’t consume so many resources.

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Day after Boxing Day

I just had a wonderful time playing empire earth 1. It is a fun game, if you like old classics.

My boxing day was uneventful. Got to pat my uncle’s dog, which kept jumping up on its hind legs to receive a pat. Beautiful dog.

I guess I am pretty bored. I do not know where to go in life.

I try to do exercise everyday, at least stretches and qi gong. But otherwise, I’m an ambitionless person.

I suppose I do not even get around to writing diary entries. My life has nothing radical about it. It’s not like I’m a philosopher selling books.

My main attribute is passive gentleness, which is not practical for this world. I certainly can restrain my anger while on medication. But otherwise, it gets bottled up until it gets expressed. Maybe I can meditate my anger away.

Omicron variant is raging in this city. I hope the vaccine does protect against it. If not, then quarantine for me! I suppose 7 days at home would be like a mandatory detention.

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Diary entries 15/03/21 to 21/03/21

I do edit these diary entries, so that anything unsuitable or truly embarrassing and shameful is taken out. I do live a boring life, really.

15/03/21

The fact that nobody cares is the coldest thing I will ever know. I really should be caring about others, including my enemies, but I hardly do. This is my greatest torment. This is the eternity in darkness. Perhaps I have been to hell already, during a previous incarnation, which explains why I have such a big fear of hell.

18/03/21

The weather is still taking its time to get nicely cool, even though it is half way through March. I went to the library today to read a boring book. I read a star wars book from the St Vincent de Paul Op shop. I think I read the whole book of 1st Corinthians today (again).

I wish I could speak 2 languages fluently. My mom never taught me how to speak Russian, even though she is Russian. Maybe Russian people are hardly worth knowing.

Where is my honour and glory? I guess peace with God is it’s own reward. Maybe I will find peace soon.

21/03/21

What is the point of studying? What is the point of goal-related activity? I feel that society should focus on repenting than on achieving more pleasure in the flesh. I wish the world would repent….

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I need help with my life

I really need to have ambition, not a lack of it. The psychiatrist says that negative symptoms of schizophrenia include lack of drive and lack of enjoyment in activities one would usually find enjoyable. Well, maybe the good thing is that it keeps me from going manic. Not that I’m truly happy when manic. Being mentally ill is a dishonour I struggle to bear.

I kinda wonder, ‘is playing civilisation 4 all that there is for a mentally ill person? Is lying on the bed for a great deal of time looking at the ceiling a natural part of being mentally ill?’ I try and attribute my boredom due to a lack of activities in Brisbane City. That is untrue. I’m just not willing to try new things.

I suppose it is just best to play it safe, then….