The departure of love

God is love, so the departure of love can mean the departure of the holy spirit, where God leaves me a cold, lifeless man.

I felt broken when I came down with mental health issues. I felt broken when the holy spirit left me, as He left Saul, first king of Israel. I felt all alone in my depression, yet people tried to reach out to me, but all I could receive from them were auditory hallucinations.

It’s a cold, lonely life. There isn’t much purpose for anybody, except the holiest of Saints in the Catholic and Orthodox churches.

Sure wish I had purpose.

It is 3 days since my depot injection. I might of had at least 60 or more depots since 2017. I had a few depots of anti-psychotic from 2012 to 2015 I think.

It’s been a long road. The path to recovery is not there. There is no perfect recovery from schizophrenia. Perfect recovery means coming off meds and not relapsing. But I am stabilised on medication. But I don’t want to be on those horrible needles and tablets.

I had a bad dream last night. It was about my phobias. I was in a dark place, trying to do whatever it took to leave that place, which was like a barren landscape. It was lonely in that dream, just like it is in life.