Observe the tree and environment to the left. It depicts heaven and hell as the same reality, experienced two different ways. The righteous experience God’s presence as heaven, while sinners experience God’s presence as torment.
There is no place God is not. I think I will be numbered with the goats at the last judgement which will go to eternal torment. From him who much is given, much will be required. I exalt myself to the status of bishop and Saint, oh what unhappy pride! How shall I escape the whip of God’s love?
Deliver me, oh God, from the enemies at the toll-houses, please rip up my sins that each demon has recorded at the toll-houses. Lord have mercy on my soul.
‘I’ll never know, how much it cost, to see my sin, upon that cross…’ These are the lyrics of a hillsong piece which I used to sing while I was at an Asian Pentecostal Church in Brisbane, probably in 2008. It seems so long ago.
‘Here I am to worship, here I am to bow down, here I am to say that You’re my God. You’re altogether lovely, altogether worthy, altogether wonderful to me.’ This song reminds me how I felt when I had my first psychotic episode. It was like Neo Anderson from the Matrix in that hallway, when he got shot by Agent Smith. So depressing.
Unlike the Matrix series, my life doesn’t have a happy ending. It is constant struggle. My back is sore from playing computer games.
This is a picture of the Holy Spirit, that beloved pigeon. I don’t have the Holy Spirit, or else I wouldn’t call Him a pigeon.
But there are other reasons why I don’t have the Holy Spirit. I am not grace-filled. I do not perform miracles. My prayers do not amount to anything. All my prayers for the healing of my friends go unanswered.
Our God is an all-consuming fire. Even in hell, His love predominates.
I sure wish the blessed pigeon would take me out of hell. Actually no, I like my disability, because I get free money in this country for being disabled. If God did heal me, I still wouldn’t know what to do with my life.
Even in hell, there is mercy. Even in hell, the pigeon still loves you.
‘Jesus is asking a bit much,’ St Mother Teresa, on her deathbed.
Dear Risen Lord Jesus Christ
I didn’t do your will. I didn’t bless you as God. Now I’m in hell, suffering for my sins. No, I am not dead, but your mercy torments me, as I can not reach my grandma, nor the others who have died.
Maybe I will get some relief, when I am in the actual hell. I will see some of the people I’ve loved, who weren’t good enough for You. I prayed everyday for my family, and my dead relatives Only to find out that, my prayers were offensive to you.
I wish I could of done your will. I wish I could of been holy. But my righteousness was never enough. I didn’t go enough times to church. I didn’t pray enough. I didn’t fast enough. My mental illness kept me back from wholeheartedly following your will.
I’m in hell, and I say ‘thank you God.’ Your will is done, both in heaven and in hell.
I will quote what I remember Archbishop Lazar Puhalo saying about God, which gives great encouragement to us:
‘God doesn’t send anybody to hell God doesn’t punish us either in this world or the world to come And as St Anthony the Great says It would be great error to think that God could love people in hell any less than He could love people in heaven Because hell is a condition, it’s not a place The malice we feel, is the fire that burns The malice in our own conscience’
It’s one more day until my depot injection of 150mg Invega Sustenna. I take this depot every 28 days.
I have been thinking about humility, and love for enemies. There are enemies within the church, as well, as older Greeks in Greek Orthodox churches are often uneducated and disrespectful.
But the same goes for the Vietnamese. One Vietnamese lady called me a psycho because I was mentally ill. She would not hang around with her friends when her friends were around me.
There is a profound lack of respect in the community towards people who are disabled. Nobody wants to talk to you if you have a disability. No girl wants to go out with you either, if you are a disabled male.
I am a lot more glorious than most people. How is an education going to save you from the fires of hell? What’s the point of marrying, fornicating, having kids, working a 9 to 5, enjoying yourself, laughing at the disabled, when you are going to hell?
Many people in hell wish they could warn sinners about what awaits them, but they do not have permission to appear to them, as the request of the rich man in hell in the gospel was denied in sending Lazarus the righteous to the rich man’s brothers who were still on Earth, while they still had time to repent.
It is just like at primary school. All the people in my grade didn’t want to be my friend. It is very difficult for me to make friends now. Most people are not compassionate. But their scorn and rejection teach me humility.
I am glad for the social rejection I experience from most people, particularly ones who don’t understand mental illness. It further teaches me humility.
I was socially rejected by 99% of the students at my old high school. Now, only one of them is my friend on my phone list, and a very critical friend at that!
But it all teaches me humility. Most people definitely, will not enter the Lord’s rest.
This world is becoming more like a nightmare by the day! A lady was set ablaze in Toronto, a man was stabbed to death in fortitude valley, I wish we didn’t have so many violent computer games!
I’ll probably get stabbed or shot sometime in the future. It is for my sins against womankind. I wish the meds did a better job of chemically castrating me.
I don’t know what punishment I’ll get in hell. But it will sure be… hellish. Pardon the pun.
In hell, we are given sometime to drink, but it is foul and makes us vomit. In hell, we are given worms to eat. In hell, the air is fetid, and stinks, which makes us want to vomit even more. I beg you Lord, please don’t send me to the eternal flame!