My mission

What is your mission?

My mission is to get some relief in the lake of fire by doing as much good as I can in this life, such as almsgiving and helping others, notably my parents.

I don’t have much time to chat, as I’m going with dad out somewhere. God bless you all.

On my unforgivable sin

‘Jesus is asking a bit much,’ St Mother Teresa, on her deathbed.

Dear Risen Lord Jesus Christ

I didn’t do your will. I didn’t bless you as God.
Now I’m in hell, suffering for my sins.
No, I am not dead, but your mercy torments me, as I can not reach my grandma, nor the others who have died.

Maybe I will get some relief, when I am in the actual hell.
I will see some of the people I’ve loved, who weren’t good enough for You.
I prayed everyday for my family, and my dead relatives
Only to find out that, my prayers were offensive to you.

I wish I could of done your will. I wish I could of been holy.
But my righteousness was never enough. I didn’t go enough times to church.
I didn’t pray enough. I didn’t fast enough. My mental illness kept me back
from wholeheartedly following your will.

I’m in hell, and I say ‘thank you God.’
Your will is done, both in heaven and in hell.

On the nature of God

I will quote what I remember Archbishop Lazar Puhalo saying about God, which gives great encouragement to us:

‘God doesn’t send anybody to hell
God doesn’t punish us either in this world or the world to come
And as St Anthony the Great says
It would be great error to think that God could love people in hell any less than He could love people in heaven
Because hell is a condition, it’s not a place
The malice we feel, is the fire that burns
The malice in our own conscience’

By Lazar Puhalo

I hope my depot goes well

It’s one more day until my depot injection of 150mg Invega Sustenna. I take this depot every 28 days.

I have been thinking about humility, and love for enemies. There are enemies within the church, as well, as older Greeks in Greek Orthodox churches are often uneducated and disrespectful.

But the same goes for the Vietnamese. One Vietnamese lady called me a psycho because I was mentally ill. She would not hang around with her friends when her friends were around me.

There is a profound lack of respect in the community towards people who are disabled. Nobody wants to talk to you if you have a disability. No girl wants to go out with you either, if you are a disabled male.

I am a lot more glorious than most people. How is an education going to save you from the fires of hell? What’s the point of marrying, fornicating, having kids, working a 9 to 5, enjoying yourself, laughing at the disabled, when you are going to hell?

Many people in hell wish they could warn sinners about what awaits them, but they do not have permission to appear to them, as the request of the rich man in hell in the gospel was denied in sending Lazarus the righteous to the rich man’s brothers who were still on Earth, while they still had time to repent.

I have difficulty making friends

It is just like at primary school. All the people in my grade didn’t want to be my friend. It is very difficult for me to make friends now. Most people are not compassionate. But their scorn and rejection teach me humility.

I am glad for the social rejection I experience from most people, particularly ones who don’t understand mental illness. It further teaches me humility.

I was socially rejected by 99% of the students at my old high school. Now, only one of them is my friend on my phone list, and a very critical friend at that!

But it all teaches me humility. Most people definitely, will not enter the Lord’s rest.

Real life computer game

This world is becoming more like a nightmare by the day! A lady was set ablaze in Toronto, a man was stabbed to death in fortitude valley, I wish we didn’t have so many violent computer games!

I’ll probably get stabbed or shot sometime in the future. It is for my sins against womankind. I wish the meds did a better job of chemically castrating me.

I don’t know what punishment I’ll get in hell. But it will sure be… hellish. Pardon the pun.

In hell, we are given sometime to drink, but it is foul and makes us vomit. In hell, we are given worms to eat. In hell, the air is fetid, and stinks, which makes us want to vomit even more. I beg you Lord, please don’t send me to the eternal flame!

Domestic Violence

I was asked by a qq friend to speak on domestic violence. I know nothing about this subject. If it were me, I’d prefer to get walked all over, as if I get shot by police, then I am in hell. What good was my life then?

I don’t know why so many people are not even afraid of hell. Why are so many people not scared of eternal torment? Why don’t people believe in hell? So many religions speak about hell in great depth.

If I die, then it is all over. I might as well live a long time, hoping God will give me the grace to repent and redeem myself, before I am cast into hell. Just my thoughts.

My fears

I could not cope with life. So I took some extra anti-psychotics. So what if they make me tired? At least I shouldn’t go backwards.

Life is miserable. I have no purpose. I have a lot of apathy, which is caused by my schizoaffective disorder. I have low mood and low motivation too.

I wish I had more to write for my blog. But I am dipping into madness. I just wish I were more humble. But I’m not humble.

Such is my life. I can not predict the future. But looking into the future brings me no hope, only a certainty that I might be mistreated in an aged care facility.

Unforgiveness

When God said to St Peter to forgive 77 times 7 he meant an unlimited amount. Our forgiveness should be limitless.

God forgives everybody, the souls in hell, and the demons. But they’d rather not be forgiven. That is precisely why God’s love burns them. For those who love God, His light is like light, and warmth. For those who hate God, and close their eyes against Him, His love is like an all-consuming fire.

The demons can’t understand why God still loves them. And it is precisely this that enrages them. They wish to destroy us, because we are the epitome of God’s creation. I don’t know too much of the theology surrounding why demons want to destroy us, so I will not comment further.

Please forgive me for consuming resources. Please forgive me for having an opinion. Please forgive me for not keeping myself to myself.

15/6/22 The temperature is perfect

This night is warmer than other nights that I’ve experienced during this winter. My parents didn’t turn on the air conditioner for heating. I sure don’t miss summer, even though summer is inevitable.

I remember playing Eschalon book 2 during last winter. It was so great to walk through the hellice region on the game during winter, it really set the tone for how cold things are in the hellice region on the game. Hellice as in ‘hell-ice.’

I always imagined hell to be too hot, but it can simultaneously be too hot and too cold at the same time. It would definitely be pretty uncomfortable. That’s why I give to charity, as I believe almsgiving atones for sins.

I didn’t give alms to the druggy at the shopping mall who was asking for money. I thought he would buy drugs. So I didn’t extend alms to him. I better give some money to charity. God bless other people.