Chemical lobotomies

If I didn’t take my medication, I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep at night.

2017 was a taxing year during the winter, when I had my worst psychosis. I believed I was going to jail, I believed people were following me, due to me hearing voices coming from nearby houses. I heard things like ‘he’s weird’ or ‘he’s acting really weird.’ They would usually accuse me, so I would often confess to others that I was a Christian terrorist, and then ask ‘what else do you want me to confess?’ like everything was a court tribunal.

I often asked my mom ‘what are you not telling me?’ due to my paranoia. I was waiting for the end. I prayed in the mental hospital ‘Lord, do not let me live to see the end.’ I felt like I was going to be killed by gangsters, who would kill everybody dear to me. I imagined there were gangsters in one of the hospitals I was in, who were on a mission to kill me.

But all these delusions stopped once I had the 3 rounds of shock therapy. I felt much better after that. But I have experienced a profound lack of respect from others inside the churches, whether Protestant or Orthodox. That’s why I don’t go to protestant churches anymore. They use a heat scanner on me to check for infection, but they don’t scan anybody else in the congregation.

Yeah. I think a lot of people need fixing up by the police services, even correcting them in the congregation. Pity the jails are full. Society is entitled to rejecting whoever it wants. Society, and particularly churches, are not inclusive.

Let us stand fast, with fear!

Although I have taken the vaccine, I still want to live a life according to Christ’s precepts, to get me into paradise, or to take away punishments in hell. Life is troublesome, and people in society are feeling burnt out, due to overwork or lockdowns. Life is a nightmare for some suffering from severe mental health issues. I try to pray for them.

We must all pray for the salvation of the whole race of humanity. God is merciful, God can make things right all at once, even through a couple of thousand righteous people praying. We must think to ourselves ‘maybe God will show us mercy, and take away this plague from under our midst.’ God can save whosoever He wishes, too. So never think you are beyond salvation.

Our battle is in our mind, in our thoughts, in our imagination. Satan tends to make us fantasise about things, and we suffer the wounds of his vainglory. So concentrate on the breath, for say 1-5 seconds, or as long as you can, so you may not give an ear to his fantasies. Satan once imagined himself as equal to God, and from there he exited paradise.

Try to focus on the breath, maybe say a few prayers, praying in your own words. Always hope that God can take you out of your current reality and place you in a better situation and circumstance. God is the God of healing, the God of salvation. By Christ’s death on the cross, He reconciled the whole world to Himself, and from His pain, He sympathises with each and every one of our weaknesses.

If deep breathing doesn’t work, distract yourself. Do housework, take out the garbage, do the laundry, read a book. You have got a lot to live for. Christ has called you out of darkness into His army to do battle for Him, against your sinful inclinations, against the demons, and against your former self. Know you are getting stronger everyday.

Try to continue battling against your sinful addictions, knowing that each success brings you closer to righteousness. God blesses the righteous, and covers His servants with a shield. The battle for your soul is not over until God takes your soul to heaven. Let us stand well, let us stand in awe, and fear of God! Let us attend!

Nobody cares

I feel so cold and alone. This feels like the cold of Tartarus. Hell is both too hot and too cold at the same time.

I’d like to apologize to all my friends whom I’ve offended with my various ungrateful and evil words I’ve said to them. I hope you find it within your heart to forgive me, as I have autism and schizoaffective disorder.

Life is a nightmare. Even in the midst of comfort, we feel lonely and without God. I just hope God gives rest to all those of my family and friends who have fallen asleep – the sleep of death.

I can’t even speak other languages properly. The blogs I write are at a year 7 English standard. I tried to write Chinese and Japanese but they are at a grade 1 equivalent standard.

I give a shout out to all my qq friends who read my blog. I uninstalled qq from my tablet. Now I can’t find qq international or tencent qq in the play store. Guess Scott Morrison really hates Chinese enterprises.

Forgive me, it is all my fault. But then again, nobody cares. I will be left all alone, in the end.

5 days before Christmas

I am 29 years old and on a high dose of anti-psychotic medication. I try to keep my faith alive in Christ, but although my fear of hell is not lessening, I surely am driven to despair.

I judge my neighbor. I bear hatred and resentment against most who have ever offended me. I do not do the works of righteousness, even much less than many people. I pray God will deliver me.

God has shown me in life, that even after death, we still exist. He has created all humans for eternity, to populate His Kingdom, regardless of whether we like it or not.

Life is continual. The state we are in when we die is the state we will be in in eternity. So, if we hate our relative at the point of death, then we will burn forever in our own hatreds.

God has given each of us enough time to repent, to read the bible, to do the works fitting of righteousness. While some are like me, and despair, we are given such trials to make us stronger.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have supported me throughout the years. They know who they are.

Pray for me. God bless you.

If you are worried about hell

As a person with serious mental illness and hallucinations, I worry about the spiritual realm, the unseen realm. When I had hallucinations back in 2017, I believed a police officer was watching me, waiting for me to confess a crime before taking me off to prison. As I had Electro-Convulsive Therapy, he disappeared, and I have not seen that person since.

In my experience with church literature, such an apparition could be considered a demon. Be advised, I’m not a theologian or priest, I never went to an orthodox seminary, so my beliefs and opinions might not be credible. But now, after a lot of contemplation, I have some words of scripture for others to meditate on.

In orthodoxy, one of the comforting things is that, whether we are good or bad, we all go to the same place. What I mean by the same place is the presence of God. (Psalm 139:8: If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in sheol, You are there.) God loves everybody, good and bad, pious and impious, prostitutes and chaste, angels and demons, God shines forth his love on all. (Matthew 5:45: For He makes the sun to rise on the good and the evil, and sends rain on the just and the unjust.)

What is comforting is that, no matter what, God will always be beside me and every one of us. (Romans 8:38-39:  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.)

The bad thing is; not everybody experiences God’s love in the same way. For those who love God, His love is like light and warmth. For those who hate God, and close their eyes against Him, His love is like an all consuming fire. (Hebrews 12:29: for our God is a consuming fire.) Another verse, when interpreted according to writings of the Holy Fathers, also illustrates this reality. (1 Corinthians 3:15: If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved–even though only as one escaping through the flames.) This means that the builder is the soul, and escaping through flames means that He is being tormented in the fire of God’s love.

So rest assured, if you are a sinner, you will go to heaven, but you won’t enjoy it. I once said to my spiritual father, questioning if I had any heresy in me, said to him, ‘Is it true that there are no bars around hell; sinners can leave anytime they want, but why would they want to?’ He answered, ‘Yes, certainly there is no repentance after death.’ To further prove this reality, I will quote Matthew 13:42 (the weeping and gnashing of teeth.) Why does Jesus use weeping and gnashing of teeth to describe the state of the souls in perdition? I don’t know what the weeping means, but gnashing of teeth means the sheer anger of those in hell, which is directed at God.

Remember all of God’s qualities; love, humility, chastity, temperance, righteousness, justice, integrity, joy, and so forth. Love is evil for the hateful. Humility is evil for the proud. Temperance is evil for the glutton. Righteousness is evil for the wicked. Justice is evil for the unjust. Integrity is evil for the unscrupulous. Joy is evil for the ungrateful. So therefore, God’s goodness is evil for the bad sinner.

In my opinion, if you are worried about the state of your soul after death, you are on the right track back to God. You at least recognize your need to repent. Don’t be too hard on yourself. God will eventually give you the tools for repentance. By the insults and dishonors given by others, your soul will learn humility. By being made to wait for God’s good gifts, you learn patience. By worrying about your soul, you will eventually obtain your soul’s salvation. (Romans 8:28: for we know that all things work together for good for those who love him.) So please, my dear friends, do not lose sleep or develop a mental illness worrying about hell.

God will save us

I was discussing with my wise spiritual father about who would go to heaven. He said, ‘God can save whoever He wishes.’ And this is true. The people who you think would be least likely to go to heaven will be in heaven, while the people you’d think would most likely get into heaven will be bound and cast out by the angels.

So we should never judge anybody, because secretly that person could be crying out in secret to the Lord, begging Him for the strength to repent.

Makes you think a little, doesn’t it?

lastjudgment

Some more words on hell

I was talking to my spiritual father one day, and asked him to listen to my understanding of hell, to correct it if it is heretical or doctrinally unsound. I said to him ‘There are no bars around hell, sinners and demons can leave anytime they want, but why would they want to leave?’ And my spiritual father agreed with this theology, saying, ‘There is no repentance left after death.’

I have heard from Archbishop Lazar Puhalo that some of the Fathers of the church say that people can be saved from hell after death, but the church won’t form a doctrine about it, because none of the theologians know for sure. He stated as well, ‘But we assume the love of God is greater than all things.’

Even the devil is eligible for salvation. However, there was a monk in the desert who one day asked an angel, ‘Can the devil be saved?’ So the angel returned to heaven and asked the Lord this question and came back to the monk with the answer. The angel said ‘The Lord will utterly forgive the devil, if he should repent.’ Later on, when the devil appeared before the monk, the monk told the devil, ‘You can still be saved if you repent.’ The devil laughed in his face and disappeared.

Satan would rather rule in hell than serve in heaven. God does not punish the demons and sinners with some kind of material fire. They punish themselves with the fire of their own unwillingness to accept the light of God as love and warmth. When Jesus says of the last judgement, ‘I never knew you! Depart from me, you practitioners of lawlessness!’ I think he really meant what sinners say to God throughout their entire lifetimes, ‘I never knew You! Depart from me, you God of wickedness!’

Theosis

Following on from my earlier post, I’d like to not only talk about the nature of hell, but also the concept of theosis.

Theosis means deification, which as St athanasius states is ‘a state of perfection greater than those experienced by Adam and Eve before their fall.’ There are 3 levels of walk in the Orthodox faith: purification, illumination, and deification. Adam and Eve were created at the 2nd stage called illumination. They had no sin, but they were not yet united to God. They would of been united to God had they taken of the fruit of the tree of life before their fall.

Purification is the first stage Orthodox Christians go through on our ascent of the ladder of divine ascent. It means the healing phase. Illumination is like the vision of God. Deification is the final stage, that of union with God, where they are like angels in heaven on Earth.

For those who reject the Lord’s commands through the Orthodox Church, God does not punish them as such. In the bible, Jesus describes hell as ‘the weeping and gnashing of teeth.’ Why would he say ‘gnashing’? Don’t people gnash their teeth when they are extremely angry? In this case, it would be apparent that people in hell despise God so much that they grind their teeth in anger, never wanting to experience God’s presence as light and warmth.

It reminds me of what I’d think a protestant would feel in the afterlife. He might believe and loyally serve God in this world, as a pious protestant, but when he gets to heaven and sees the virgin mary sitting at the right hand of Jesus, he’d think ‘That’s not doctinally correct to venerate mary! That’s not part of my religion! I don’t like heaven very much! I hate heaven because of mary!’ So then heaven would become hell for that protestant, due to the theology he believed in during his lifetime.

There are no bars surrounding hell. Sinners and demons can leave hell anytime they want. All they just have to say is ‘Lord! Have mercy on me, a sinner!’ But as sinners are egotists, why would they want to leave hell, or bless the Lord? Egotists never stop blaming God.

Scourged by the whip of God’s love

The Protestant and Catholic traditions have a long history of believing that hell is a material fire and is a state of separation from God. This is not what the Eastern Rite Orthodox Church believes.

Psalm 139:8: ‘Even if you make your bed in Sheol (hell), I (the Lord) am there.’ I could only come up with this verse to prove the reality that hell is not a place, but a condition of the soul.

To quote Archbishop Lazar Puhalo of the ROCOR (Russian Orthodox Church Outside Russia), ‘God doesn’t send anybody to hell. God doesn’t punish us either in this world or the world to come. And as St Anthony the great says, “It would be great error to think that God could love people in hell any less than He loves people in heaven.” Because hell is your condition, it’s not a place. The malice we feel is the fire that burns. The malice within our own conscience.’

St Isaac the Syrian describes the state of the sinners in hell as a state in which they are ‘scourged by the whip of God’s love.’

I shall give you an example from my own life. Each time I attend the divine liturgy at my Greek Orthodox church, I feel as though I am in hell, I feel the fire that burns. I feel the malice and rancor of my tendency to judge others, even my fellow parishioners in the temple of the Lord.

I am not looking forward to my day of judgement, where I will have to face the Lord. The Lord will not accuse me of anything. My own conscience, the basic input-output system of our morality, will accuse me, where I will feel the ‘weeping and gnashing of teeth’ (Luke 13:28).

One of the Saints, in his deep humility, said, ‘I will go to the place where the devil will be condemned.’ If I were to say that about myself, it would not be humility, it would be a fact.