Today was a good Sunday

Today was a good Sunday. I thought I was going to get beaten by mum for not helping with the cooking, but mum reassured me and took me out to sushi. The sushi was nice! I paid for the sushi. Wasn’t too expensive.

I worry too much about life. I worry about what others may think of me. I can not get to sleep without anti-psychotics. It is a perilous cycle.

I wish I had achieved more in life. But I’m waiting for the end of the world. I am hoping I just get blown to oblivion by a nuclear bomb blast. But maybe God is merciful.

I’m waiting for the end. Or at least the end of my life. I’ve been consuming a lot of resources. And whatever for? Because I have to take meds which increase my appetite, which in turn increase the amount of money I spend on food.

Life is horrid.

Who do you envy, by IakovosKriegor

Who do you envy?

Well, to answer this simply, I’d say anybody who doesn’t need the disability support pension to survive. Somebody who doesn’t bludge off the welfare system.

I sure wish I could work. After my 2012 ECTs I never went back to work and after my 2017 ECTs I never went back to study.

ECT means Electroconvulsive therapy, otherwise known as Shock Therapy. I am grateful that there are cures to my mental diseases.

ECTs are used when normal medication fails. It is used mainly for acute psychosis and major depression.

I’m 33 years old now. I’ve had, altogether in my life, 8 rounds of Shock Treatment. But none of it has got me to a point where I am more functional than before I got sick.

But I’m just an illness. I might never be able to get back into employment. The last job I had was in 2009 for only 2 weeks. So I am not career orientated.

I wish I could work, so I could give a little tax to the government which has so generously paid my pension for 14 years.

Got those boogie blues

I am here playing a 1st grade piece. It is fairly simple. I used to play this song when I was better in 2005. Now in 2022 I am revisiting it, 17 years later. Boy, a lot has changed in 17 years.

In 2005, I was 60kg and a cadet. Now I’m a person who lives on the Disability Support Pension, because I can’t cope with life. Life feels very unreal to me, due to my hallucinations and delusions.

I guess, even from a young age, I knew I’d end up having no hope. I had a courage failure in 2006 when I broke down and had to be rushed to hospital. Now, I’m a broken man.

Andantino

I have the ability to play the piano.

What I can perform, I usually show it on YouTube, within the context of a person on medication, to show others that people with disabilities can have some skills, too.

God bless all the people who view my blogsite.

I pray for the world, and the stability of its empires.

Disabilities

The feels. Most of the time, I hurt in the feels.

I struggle to make new friends, because I receive social rejection once people find out I’m a schizophrenic on a pension.

So, life is boring. It’s 2 days away from my mandatory government injection of anti-psychotic medication.

Pretty dismal…

Oh well…

I was speechless

Today, a Chinese lady asked me where the post office was at garden city. I sort of lost my ability to speak English properly, so I just said ‘if you go over there, you can find something to direct you,’ when I should of said ‘if you walk 30m in that direction, you can find a store directory.’ I completely forgot the world for store directory!

I was walking on the left side of the shopping mall corridor going back to the car, and an Asian girl came out from the toilet. I had to stop and apologize for taking up space, and she walked around me. I felt so embarrassed!

I’m not used to dealing with people, even really cute ones, because I have no self esteem. All I do is take my medication, do what I got to do that day, then go home and play video games. Meeting new people is really difficult for me!

Having autism spectrum disorder doesn’t help, as I would forget how to say basic English words that I hadn’t used for a while. My autism doesn’t give me much freedom to plan what I’m going to say in a short amount of time.

I do not think I will grow more confident and free thinking. My mind is very closed, and I’m only used to people I know quite well. I don’t make new friends easily!