Today was a good Sunday. I thought I was going to get beaten by mum for not helping with the cooking, but mum reassured me and took me out to sushi. The sushi was nice! I paid for the sushi. Wasn’t too expensive.
I worry too much about life. I worry about what others may think of me. I can not get to sleep without anti-psychotics. It is a perilous cycle.
I wish I had achieved more in life. But I’m waiting for the end of the world. I am hoping I just get blown to oblivion by a nuclear bomb blast. But maybe God is merciful.
I’m waiting for the end. Or at least the end of my life. I’ve been consuming a lot of resources. And whatever for? Because I have to take meds which increase my appetite, which in turn increase the amount of money I spend on food.
Today, a Chinese lady asked me where the post office was at garden city. I sort of lost my ability to speak English properly, so I just said ‘if you go over there, you can find something to direct you,’ when I should of said ‘if you walk 30m in that direction, you can find a store directory.’ I completely forgot the world for store directory!
I was walking on the left side of the shopping mall corridor going back to the car, and an Asian girl came out from the toilet. I had to stop and apologize for taking up space, and she walked around me. I felt so embarrassed!
I’m not used to dealing with people, even really cute ones, because I have no self esteem. All I do is take my medication, do what I got to do that day, then go home and play video games. Meeting new people is really difficult for me!
Having autism spectrum disorder doesn’t help, as I would forget how to say basic English words that I hadn’t used for a while. My autism doesn’t give me much freedom to plan what I’m going to say in a short amount of time.
I do not think I will grow more confident and free thinking. My mind is very closed, and I’m only used to people I know quite well. I don’t make new friends easily!