Diary entries 5/5/21 to 13/5/21

I am a sub-five human, so as far as everybody else is concerned, I have never had a girlfriend. It’s better that way.

5/5/21

The Russian Orthodox Church gave me 2 things; my mum and my doctor. So I shouldn’t leave the church just yet.

Life is a struggle now. When I was manic before my first psychotic episode in 2006, life was beautiful. Now, everything is a struggle. Just waking up in the morning is a struggle. Now, I am dishonoured, rather than praised. May life get better.

6/5/21

I managed to stand up for 36 minutes doing gentle stretches and qi gong on a 3 shot cup of coffee. My mom said to me on the 4th of may ‘May the forth be with you.’ That was a funny joke.

I wish I could play borderlands 1 again. I dislike Borderlands 2.

13/5/21

I had my depot and flu vax a week ago. I will get my covid vaccine out of obedience to the civil authorities. I’m neither anti-vax nor Orthodox. I’m in the process of leaving the Orthodox church. The priests don’t have a high regard for me.

If the Orthodox anti vax conspiracy theories are true, then I have the humility to die. My life is consuming too many resources without giving anything back to the state.

Maybe the demons will be coming for my soul. At least God gave me periods of rest during my life. Glory to God.

Diary entries 19/4/21 to 29/4/21

19/4/21

Today I did a lot of activities, such as going to supermarkets and walking beside the Brisbane river. So I did things today. I didn’t have the stamina to make it to social tennis.

I suppose since I am interacting with the community, it is my civic duty to keep my vaccinations up to date. So that means I should get the Covid vaccine. As I have forsaken Jesus, so Jesus won’t protect me. God help us.

20/4/21

Today I was with my support worker. He advised me to do more exercise to help me lose weight. Hope it helps me.

28/4/21

I got a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. Maybe he won’t recommend an increase in meds. God bless fat pills.

29/4/21

Today was Dr Duke’s appointment. I managed to learn useful information from him.

I also took a bus to a school far away, where I could learn tae kwon do. Took me an hour and a half to get there in peak hour traffic. So much for learning martial arts.

The last minute before new year’s day

Today I played empire earth, StarCraft 2, and halo infinite. I did qi gong and gentle stretches. So I feel good. I also had a mocha at 8pm, so I won’t get to sleep for a while.

My friend is coming over tomorrow. Hope he has a good sleep tonight. I will go with him to a fast food outlet tomorrow, while showing my vaccination certificate to the shop keepers.

Maybe Covid didn’t cause the end of the world. I am glad I have made it to 32 years old. I believe now they are letting off extra fireworks, as while I’m writing this, it is precisely 12am Saturday morning 1/1/22. It is wonderful the world didn’t destroy itself.

I’m glad that I have had a decent life, free from work. But I wish I stayed on my medication when I was young, or at least spent more time in tae kwon do or air force cadets. But alas, I am a weak person, with a lack of energy when not manic.

Happy new year 2022!

Diary entries 2/4/21 to 6/4/21

I haven’t been writing diary entries for a while. I suppose it is a mild update on my life.

2/4/21

I believe my heart rate is too fast because I have too much anxiety. God bless my enemies. Today is good Friday for Catholicism. God bless those who insult me.

3/4/21

Man, I seem to be forgetting what year it is. This is the year after the apocalypse of COVID. A simple flu, costing the world economy billions of dollars. And I have no way of helping the Australian Government get back on its feet!

Centrelink has done quite a bit for me, after the support of my parents. I can’t even live my life worthily for the God who died for me, Jesus Christ! I regret every consuming titanic amounts of resources. Maybe the government will torture and put me away. Then God will condemn me. He is just to do so. Amen.

6/4/21

Well, it is getting cooler. My cat Dante hopped on my bed while I was writing this diary entry. He must feel cold. Hope he feels as blessed by my presence as I do by his.

My support worker will come over. I wonder what we will do today.

It is a cool, humid night….

I noticed my most viewed blog post recently was ‘weak sparring.’ I believe the title sums it up in its entirety.

To be good at hand-to-hand combat, you got to be a tough guy. I am not a tough guy.

I was viewing videos about the selection process women and men use to get dates. Women are a huge amount more picky than guys. It is not the 20/80 rule, on tinder it is the 2/98 rule. I believe that rule is the top 20% of guys get 80% of the women, well on tinder, the top 2% of guys get 98% of the women.

Some guys go on tinder for years without getting a single date. Whereas a woman will have multiple sexual partners through tinder. I just hope the women don’t fall ill due to STIs.

Me? I’m a virgin. It is something I’m proud of, as I do not want to take the risk. I don’t want to become a father, as I’m practically useless. If my local church wouldn’t hire me as a minister, how would you expect me to get a job flipping burgers at my local McDonald’s?

In some ways, you got to be a tough guy to be attractive to a potential mate. The alpha males get women easily. I am not a Chad. I believe the proper name for me is ‘soyboy.’

Lord, have mercy on all the souls that are destined for hell, including my own.

My life so far 10/10/21

I did two things today, saw my relatives on my mom’s side, then saw my relatives on my dad’s side. Even though it was a Sunday, I didn’t go to church today. Lazy me. I felt emotionally crippled after my last confession.

My life is a tragedy. I am coping only by taking chemical lobotomies. It’s not a good way to live life or to deal with one’s problems. Of course, there are no solutions to my problems. If there were, I wouldn’t of needed to go on meds in the first place.

Well, I suppose I still have friends. Only one friend from my old high school. She treats me ok. The others disowned me, as I have a lack of respect towards others. I have friends from my English conversation class who are married. I have a few mentally ill friends. God bless them all.

My uncle asked ‘who reads your blogs?’ Well, not many people. Not enough to get advertising revenue on WordPress. Sigh, sad isn’t it? I haven’t got much potential.

It is really difficult for me to make new friends, as I am socially disabled, and I’m ashamed of my attempts to meet women in the past when I was manic. I feel so ashamed it impacts my self-esteem now. I really wish God hadn’t of had to teach me a lesson so badly through social rejection. Guess the solitary life is the life for me.

God bless all the social rejects out there, who are declining in functionality, like me.

我试试爱神

对不起,我中文不好。为什么我中文不好?因为我学习得不好。

每天,我试试爱上帝。如果我犯罪,我不太爱神,因为我是罪人。

我佩服耶稣基督,因为他爱他的敌人。我不会爱我的敌人。

我没有很多朋友,因为我是一个罪人。如果我是一个圣人,我的敌人要做我的朋友。

我的生活没有目的,因为我很弱智。我的工作里,没有女生想做我的真正爱情因为我是没用人。

耶稣保佑你们。

Diary entries 24/3/21 to 26/3/21

24/3/21

I’m glad I do donate to charity every now and then. Gives something for my money to do. I went with my support worker to the library and read the book titled ‘God is good for you.’ It said that Christians give 4 times as much to charity as non-religious people do. Makes me glad I fear God and the coming judgement.

25/3/21

Hold it together, James. You have got so much to live for. You must avoid death at all costs, for when you die, then the torments start. I doubt I will ever see paradise. Only the Saints get into heaven. You tried, you tried, you were not found worthy. Just stay in the community without consuming valuable hospital resources which could be allocated to someone more valuable than yourself.

26/3/21

Today was a better day than yesterday. I was praised by my friends at an English conversation group. They said I was a really good person.

The English conversation group is off for 3 weeks due to school holidays. Hope the teachers have a nice break.

Love one another. This is the great commandment from Jesus Christ. For if I don’t love others, how can I love God?

Diary Entries 26/02/21 to 07/03/21

I didn’t write diary entries for every day of the year, so some dates are missing. I was very lazy at making diary entries in my journal.

26/02/21

I went to English conversation group on Friday and sold 1 book. I also watched a video on YouTube about ways to raise your vibration. This includes not hanging out with low vibe people, eating healthily, dancing, and practising gratitude.

02/03/21

When I wrote down the date for this diary entry, I was trying to figure out whether it was 2020 or 2021. I guess I started this diary writing at my support worker’s suggestion as a guide to myself.

I had art therapy today, where I did grouting. It was quite hard, and I did not do it well. I did social tennis in the evening, where I got very tired.

04/03/21

Well, today was a beautiful day. I can imagine myself to be like a master by the time I’m old with lots of years of meditation under my belt.

I managed to enjoy the start of fall in Australia. The lowering of temperature is nice. Still, I miss the camps I went on back in 2005, when the world was cooler, when I was younger, when I was thinner…

07/03/21

There were disgruntled kids on the bus today. What I wouldn’t give for a badass attitude. What I wouldn’t give for a few hundred thousand dollars in my bank account. What I wouldn’t give to be a tough guy who commands respect from all. So much for all the discipline I got from cadets…

Diary Entries 01/02/21 to 03/02/21

01/02/21

Fat! I am so extremely fat! Indeed, I do a little bit more exercise at night on this increased dose of medication, but it doesn’t offset the metabolic retardation side-effect of the increased dose. I think that after I finish this packet of extra medication, I won’t buy anymore for a while until my weight comes down. I’ll have to endure the voices in my head.

02/02/21

Today mum took me to Currumbin, just outside Brisbane near Gold Coast. At Currumbin lodge were my family and mom’s friends, and we told each other anecdotes and stories about things we know. I had a good time.

03/02/21

I had a good chat with my support worker about mindfulness. He said I have the power of a deity in me. But deities are usually too proud, and I’d have to learn to regulate my ego and rage.