Tag: despair

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Positive outlook

Well, I don’t feel 100% positive, although a lot of people right now are coping with life quite well. I am not one of them.

I did feel quite good after seeing the priest today. We talked about monasticism. Monasticism is the concept of becoming a monk or nun and living separate from the community to give oneself up to fasting and prayer.

I can not become a monk, as I eat too much. My illness isn’t stressing me at the moment, so I eat whenever I feel hungry. I try my best to resist my appetite as much as possible, to no avail.

Some of my friends don’t read my blog. I accept that. Some of my friends don’t read at all. Their loss.

I do not know what my next psychotic episode could look like, if I were to reduce the medication. I best just be content on my current dose of medication.

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A cold spring night

The nights should be unbearably hot at this time of year. I’m glad to get some relief. At the end of October, things in Brisbane will be unbearably hot. But sometimes, I like hot weather. It means I don’t have to put jumpers on, which I’m lazy to do.

It is a public holiday today. I feel a little subdued. I was feeling good during part of the day, then I was shouting at voices in my head, then I calmed back down. I really wish I didn’t have rapid mood swings.

I wish I could become a Saint. But what does that even mean? I guess I just want to be praised for something. I do not even believe I will enter the Lord’s rest. Why? The prayers of the people I’ve hurt in the past have reached the Lord of Sabaoth, and He inflicts pain upon me, because of my evil I did to others in primary and high school.

I confess, when I remember the things I used to do in high school and primary school, that I do need punishment. As I sometimes say to Jesus ‘punish me in this life, and not the next!’ I really wish I had come to obey Jesus in early primary school, before my wickedness had reached a certain level, to require a certain punishment.

But most of all, my conscience is in pain. I wish I had not hit other students in primary and high school. It is a shameful behaviour, to get violent, all because they said something rude. I should of been better than that long ago.

Forgive me, oh God.

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Hallucinations

I might be good at talking about myself, but maybe I’m not so good at choosing titles for blog articles.

My mom said when I first came out of the mental institute in 2006 I could only talk about 2 things: Japanese girls and religion. Now I can only talk about one thing: myself.

I remember the cruelty with which I treated fellow students in primary and high school. I hallucinated insults coming from their mouths, when in fact they might of said nothing at all.

The other kids at primary school weren’t violent, and the kids at high school would of left me alone if I kept to myself and minded my own business. The ladies would of been more comfortable if I stayed in my own little corner than try to interact with them.

I was doing tai chi, tae kwon do, air force cadets and high school just before I broke down. Fancy that. I had so much going for me, yet I ended up jobless on a disability support pension. Sure shows how life can turn out for some people.

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The loss of sanity

I really wish the Holy Spirit never left me. I’ve endured too much as a mentally ill person. Why is it so difficult for me to make new friends?

I wish I could of achieved some form of sanctity, like a Saint. Alas, I think I am better than everybody else, but such is not the case.

I burn, at least in my calves and heels. I do not burn with passion to do anything. A new age guru said on YouTube to have imagination. What we imagine, we create.

I wish I had stronger legs, so I could stand up to work. I wish my legs would be healed, so I could stand up for a long time in church.

Life teaches me humility.

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5 days after my depot

I wish the world could heal. When I heard that the Buddhist remedy for sexual immorality was strong meditation and good thoughts, I did meditation for 30 minutes lying down. I saw how many negative thoughts I had! All of my thoughts were negative! None of them were about the joys of life or of heaven!

If I can’t heal myself, when I teach others, I’m making them as sick as I am. So that’s why I try to teach wholesome values, rather than what actually afflicts me. Do as I say, not as I do.

I can’t imagine how many nightmares people in the workforce have to go through. I am such a sinner, my pride is so high, that I feel I am above working! Sure, I can not stand up for long, but I still have youth. Surely I could find a purpose. Even volunteering at an op shop would be better than my current lifestyle.

I go mainly to the library to read books. I choose not to take them home, as my drink bottle would make the library books wet in my bag. So I just go to the library everyday to read books. Fortunately, they are religious books, so they always remain on the shelves. Nobody wants to take them out and borrow them. Lucky me.

I suppose, at least I walked around the shopping mall today. At least I meditated, even though I did it poorly, as usual. At least I did 5 minutes of Qi Gong. At least I took an extra tablet of medication, to give me additional control over the bipolar aspect of my schizoaffective disorder. Life sort of, is good.

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Forgive me, oh God

I have sins which I can’t mention on this blog. Sometimes I want to slit my wrists because I don’t want to deal with this addiction anymore.

I am a vcel. It means voluntary celibate. But I struggle to be pure. I really wish the Lord would save me. But only the abyss answers my prayers.

Thank you all the readers who read my blog. I will go for my depot tomorrow, and will try to ask for more medication. I will try to starve myself, so I don’t gain too much weight.

God bless all of you.

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The Holy Spirit

I do remember the better times in life, before I had mental illness. But in actual fact, life is a continuum, but the emotions go up and down. Sometimes they are really up, but actually really downward emotions can kill you. They can drive you to attempting suicide, like I did in 2006, 2007, and 2017.

The cause of suicidal ideation is pride. We are saying to God ‘I’m fed up with not getting my way, so I’m going to murder this body you gave to me.’ It shows a lack of gratitude and humility, bearing patiently whatever God’s will is for us. Such are the times.

At the time I was suicidal, I would certainly of claimed the opposite, but indeed, it is a hatred and contempt for not only our lot in life, but of God Himself. The only way out of despair is humility, a patient endurance of the affliction, according to the Desert Fathers of the Orthodox Church.

It’s hotter in hell.

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5 days before Christmas

I am 29 years old and on a high dose of anti-psychotic medication. I try to keep my faith alive in Christ, but although my fear of hell is not lessening, I surely am driven to despair.

I judge my neighbor. I bear hatred and resentment against most who have ever offended me. I do not do the works of righteousness, even much less than many people. I pray God will deliver me.

God has shown me in life, that even after death, we still exist. He has created all humans for eternity, to populate His Kingdom, regardless of whether we like it or not.

Life is continual. The state we are in when we die is the state we will be in in eternity. So, if we hate our relative at the point of death, then we will burn forever in our own hatreds.

God has given each of us enough time to repent, to read the bible, to do the works fitting of righteousness. While some are like me, and despair, we are given such trials to make us stronger.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have supported me throughout the years. They know who they are.

Pray for me. God bless you.