It takes a long time

It takes a long time to cultivate any sort of humility. But, as our conscience bears witness, we should have humility in all situations. As God is supremely humble, so we too, should be humble, at least in a minor degree.

I’m getting over the traumas of old, but sometimes, the memories of the bad things I’ve done is too much for me. As I always say ‘better he who has never sinned than he who has sinned and repented.’

I committed many embarrassing things when I was not taking medication. How did I not know that I was schizophrenic and direly afflicted? Now, I’m beginning to cultivate a shred of humility.

I wish life was laid out for me like a red carpet. But then, how would I develop as an individual? How would I make progress, that I could offer to God, as a living sacrifice?

I can barely stand up on my own two feet. Yet somehow, through medication and God’s grace, I manage to cope, with the help of my parents.

Even though I need medication, I miss the days before I had to take medication. Before 16 years old, I never knew what medication was. I never knew the side effects it would have on my body. I sincerely wished I had enough positive philosophy to cope without medication.

Maybe, in a different reality, there is a me that copes without medication. Maybe, in a parallel universe, I am working a job. Maybe I am younger. Maybe I’m more handsome. But not in this reality.

Maybe I’ll continue paying for premium

My friend recommended that I keep maintaining this blog. That friend said I have an interesting blog. I hope other people feel the same way.

Even though I have a YouTube channel, I can’t edit videos. I do better editing blogs, as they have similar tools to the stuff I learnt at primary and high school. YouTube is too advanced for me.

On my YouTube channel, my Tai Chi and Tae Kwon Do is not too good. I am glad I’ve only got trolled a few times on YouTube. It teaches me humility.

I’m learning to love everybody who I’ve ever met. Well, at least to bless those who have socially rejected or offended me. I think that is enough for humility.

Forgive, and you shall be forgiven, said the Son of God. Buddha once said ‘if you can not help anybody, at least do no harm.’ I will bless my enemies from a distance. Fortunately the medication keeps me from getting angry.

I’m glad war has not so far come to Australia. We are in the early voting stage for another federal election. I just hope the new government will continue honouring people’s freedoms and giving welfare to the disadvantaged. I just hope no new government makes me pay back the money I’ve collected from the Disability Pension.

Life is cold and lonely, and sometimes I want to overeat. But in the last 2 days I’ve been eating salads, so they have mostly been helping my mind. It gives me positive energy.

I wish my soul would look up with the eyes of faith and stop being so downcast. But maybe this trial is sent by God to teach me humility.

I really wish I didn’t consume so many resources.

After my depot

I love having my depot, because after I get my depot, I can usually go home and have a sleep. The injection has sedative side-effects. I slept from 5pm to 8pm when I got home from the library.

I wasn’t reading books in the library today. I was reading Unseen Warfare at the doctor’s surgery while waiting for my depot. When I was at the library, I was staring off into space, dreading having to go back home again, as I often get attacked by temptations when I am alone in my bedroom.

I really wish I could of helped society somehow. But unfortunately, I am a useless person. But I’m thankful the Australian government allows me to exist.

It is a tough struggle, usually because I’m either unhappy or bored out of my brains.

I wish I had the energy to exercise more, so I could lose all this weight I gained from anti-psychotics. I weighed 122.3kg at the depot today. My weight is slowly creeping up. When you are on medications, the only way to lose weight is to starve yourself or skip dinner.

I look forward to getting anxious. Then maybe I can look forward to my weight dropping.

2 days before my depot

My thoughts are slightly accelerated, as I am feeling quite fast due to my medication departing from my system.

Life is still as boring as ever, but I still find things to do.

I still wish I could of made a name for myself, but I guess it was not my destiny to do so.

I preach and practise humility, or at least my version of it. Some may call it self-deprecation. But I don’t mind when people tell me to be more positive. It further teaches me humility.

I wish my pills made me lose weight instead of keep the weight that I already have. It is very difficult to burn any fat while on the medication.

Well, that’s it for me. God bless you all.

Life is pretty depressing

We are going into winter in the southern hemisphere, which is the only good thing that I can think of right now. Otherwise, even on a high dose of anti-depressants, I still feel pretty depressed.

My life went down the plughole as soon as I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Such is a tragedy for me. I have no future apart from medications. I would just commit suicide if it weren’t for my anti-depressants and anti-psychotics.

But nobody else cares. Not even my friends pay close attention much to me. I have to go on chat rooms, hoping to make a friend in the world.

I guess, God punishes each of us for our sins, to varying degrees, both in this life, and the next.

I think there are drug dealers in the street. I’m sort of glad they leave the houses alone. I’m not courageous enough to find out what they are doing. I just hide in here, and hope Jesus protects me.

It’s Christmas!

It’s afternoon here in Australia, and the weather is warm. We are in summer now, but fortunately, there is a cloud cover and it isn’t too hot.

Wishing every one of those who see my blog a merry Christmas and a happy new year!

I went to a church service last night on Christmas Eve. It was hell for me, as I’m not used to meeting a lot of new people. Fortunately I concealed the fact that I’m schizophrenic by saying ‘I’m an artist,’ in response to the question ‘What do you do?’

I suppose it is pretty dismal, given the fact that I’m moderately obese at 118.2kg, so I will not easily attract young women’s attention. But I thought a young woman in a relationship looked at me during the service. The attention was nice, although fleeting.

I think celibacy is the way forward for me. I am kept safe in my parent’s home. I really wish I had the ability to be more brave in life, but I guess safety is a worthy commodity.

Somehow, if it weren’t for all my comforts; air con, food, soft drink, coffee; I’d be moderately depressed on Christmas Day.

Difficulty exercising, anyone?

I find doing 10 minutes of this exercise difficult. I can do 6 minutes of this kind of exercise before I get tired of standing in the one place for a couple of minutes. I enjoy doing very light exercise to some David and Diane Arkenstone music on YouTube.

I have done in the past 1 hour and 25 minutes of standing up light exercise within the past 2 years on a 3 shot cup of coffee, but that was a one-off. Due to my depression and my sedative side-effects of my medication, I can not do exercise for very long. I guess I do have motivation, but I do experience limited pain in my legs from making sure I don’t fall over. Guess it must be an anxiety condition.

I’m turning 32 on September 27th 2021, but I exercise like an old man. If I tried shadow boxing at moderate intensity, I could only do it for 30 seconds, perhaps less. I can’t compete with people who do regular exercise or young people who don’t take medication. God bless everybody fitter and stronger than me.

Diary entries 15/03/21 to 21/03/21

I do edit these diary entries, so that anything unsuitable or truly embarrassing and shameful is taken out. I do live a boring life, really.

15/03/21

The fact that nobody cares is the coldest thing I will ever know. I really should be caring about others, including my enemies, but I hardly do. This is my greatest torment. This is the eternity in darkness. Perhaps I have been to hell already, during a previous incarnation, which explains why I have such a big fear of hell.

18/03/21

The weather is still taking its time to get nicely cool, even though it is half way through March. I went to the library today to read a boring book. I read a star wars book from the St Vincent de Paul Op shop. I think I read the whole book of 1st Corinthians today (again).

I wish I could speak 2 languages fluently. My mom never taught me how to speak Russian, even though she is Russian. Maybe Russian people are hardly worth knowing.

Where is my honour and glory? I guess peace with God is it’s own reward. Maybe I will find peace soon.

21/03/21

What is the point of studying? What is the point of goal-related activity? I feel that society should focus on repenting than on achieving more pleasure in the flesh. I wish the world would repent….

I need help with my life

I really need to have ambition, not a lack of it. The psychiatrist says that negative symptoms of schizophrenia include lack of drive and lack of enjoyment in activities one would usually find enjoyable. Well, maybe the good thing is that it keeps me from going manic. Not that I’m truly happy when manic. Being mentally ill is a dishonour I struggle to bear.

I kinda wonder, ‘is playing civilisation 4 all that there is for a mentally ill person? Is lying on the bed for a great deal of time looking at the ceiling a natural part of being mentally ill?’ I try and attribute my boredom due to a lack of activities in Brisbane City. That is untrue. I’m just not willing to try new things.

I suppose it is just best to play it safe, then….

My life so far

I spent the entirety of the Australian winter in mental institutes. The only benefit to that was that my pension kept rolling in, making me somewhat richer.

Being in the mental institutes was not tormenting so much as it was mind-numbingly boring.

There were some mad dudes that I met in there that I really liked. Too bad I didn’t ask their contact details. I will surely miss them. One of them gave me a hug. Another gave me a bro-shake.

The good thing about being in a ward full of guys is that usually there is very little vomiting going on, as guys have stronger stomachs than girls. The only person who was vomiting was me after each Electroconvulsive Therapy. Ah yes, happy times that was.

Now, since I’ve come out of the mental institute, I’ve had the opportunity to see two of my friends. With one of them I practiced sparring with, with another I just went window shopping with.