Difficulty exercising, anyone?

I find doing 10 minutes of this exercise difficult. I can do 6 minutes of this kind of exercise before I get tired of standing in the one place for a couple of minutes. I enjoy doing very light exercise to some David and Diane Arkenstone music on YouTube.

I have done in the past 1 hour and 25 minutes of standing up light exercise within the past 2 years on a 3 shot cup of coffee, but that was a one-off. Due to my depression and my sedative side-effects of my medication, I can not do exercise for very long. I guess I do have motivation, but I do experience limited pain in my legs from making sure I don’t fall over. Guess it must be an anxiety condition.

I’m turning 32 on September 27th 2021, but I exercise like an old man. If I tried shadow boxing at moderate intensity, I could only do it for 30 seconds, perhaps less. I can’t compete with people who do regular exercise or young people who don’t take medication. God bless everybody fitter and stronger than me.

Diary entries 15/03/21 to 21/03/21

I do edit these diary entries, so that anything unsuitable or truly embarrassing and shameful is taken out. I do live a boring life, really.

15/03/21

The fact that nobody cares is the coldest thing I will ever know. I really should be caring about others, including my enemies, but I hardly do. This is my greatest torment. This is the eternity in darkness. Perhaps I have been to hell already, during a previous incarnation, which explains why I have such a big fear of hell.

18/03/21

The weather is still taking its time to get nicely cool, even though it is half way through March. I went to the library today to read a boring book. I read a star wars book from the St Vincent de Paul Op shop. I think I read the whole book of 1st Corinthians today (again).

I wish I could speak 2 languages fluently. My mom never taught me how to speak Russian, even though she is Russian. Maybe Russian people are hardly worth knowing.

Where is my honour and glory? I guess peace with God is it’s own reward. Maybe I will find peace soon.

21/03/21

What is the point of studying? What is the point of goal-related activity? I feel that society should focus on repenting than on achieving more pleasure in the flesh. I wish the world would repent….

I need help with my life

I really need to have ambition, not a lack of it. The psychiatrist says that negative symptoms of schizophrenia include lack of drive and lack of enjoyment in activities one would usually find enjoyable. Well, maybe the good thing is that it keeps me from going manic. Not that I’m truly happy when manic. Being mentally ill is a dishonour I struggle to bear.

I kinda wonder, ‘is playing civilisation 4 all that there is for a mentally ill person? Is lying on the bed for a great deal of time looking at the ceiling a natural part of being mentally ill?’ I try and attribute my boredom due to a lack of activities in Brisbane City. That is untrue. I’m just not willing to try new things.

I suppose it is just best to play it safe, then….

My life so far

I spent the entirety of the Australian winter in mental institutes. The only benefit to that was that my pension kept rolling in, making me somewhat richer.

Being in the mental institutes was not tormenting so much as it was mind-numbingly boring.

There were some mad dudes that I met in there that I really liked. Too bad I didn’t ask their contact details. I will surely miss them. One of them gave me a hug. Another gave me a bro-shake.

The good thing about being in a ward full of guys is that usually there is very little vomiting going on, as guys have stronger stomachs than girls. The only person who was vomiting was me after each Electroconvulsive Therapy. Ah yes, happy times that was.

Now, since I’ve come out of the mental institute, I’ve had the opportunity to see two of my friends. With one of them I practiced sparring with, with another I just went window shopping with.