Positive outlook

Well, I don’t feel 100% positive, although a lot of people right now are coping with life quite well. I am not one of them.

I did feel quite good after seeing the priest today. We talked about monasticism. Monasticism is the concept of becoming a monk or nun and living separate from the community to give oneself up to fasting and prayer.

I can not become a monk, as I eat too much. My illness isn’t stressing me at the moment, so I eat whenever I feel hungry. I try my best to resist my appetite as much as possible, to no avail.

Some of my friends don’t read my blog. I accept that. Some of my friends don’t read at all. Their loss.

I do not know what my next psychotic episode could look like, if I were to reduce the medication. I best just be content on my current dose of medication.

A cold spring night

The nights should be unbearably hot at this time of year. I’m glad to get some relief. At the end of October, things in Brisbane will be unbearably hot. But sometimes, I like hot weather. It means I don’t have to put jumpers on, which I’m lazy to do.

It is a public holiday today. I feel a little subdued. I was feeling good during part of the day, then I was shouting at voices in my head, then I calmed back down. I really wish I didn’t have rapid mood swings.

I wish I could become a Saint. But what does that even mean? I guess I just want to be praised for something. I do not even believe I will enter the Lord’s rest. Why? The prayers of the people I’ve hurt in the past have reached the Lord of Sabaoth, and He inflicts pain upon me, because of my evil I did to others in primary and high school.

I confess, when I remember the things I used to do in high school and primary school, that I do need punishment. As I sometimes say to Jesus ‘punish me in this life, and not the next!’ I really wish I had come to obey Jesus in early primary school, before my wickedness had reached a certain level, to require a certain punishment.

But most of all, my conscience is in pain. I wish I had not hit other students in primary and high school. It is a shameful behaviour, to get violent, all because they said something rude. I should of been better than that long ago.

Forgive me, oh God.

On pride

I have delusions that I am a Saint. I also have delusions that I will go to hell, although that might not be so much of a delusion.

Since I have so much pride, I certainly will not be able to access God’s healing presence. Nothing casts out God’s spirit than pride. Maybe I’m wrong, I’d love to hear everybody’s input.

Bishop Fulton Sheen said in one of his books that the proud man can not receive God’s mysteries, as he tramples God under foot. That’s why I try to do all the good I can, so that when I die, I may have a comprehension of my own nothingness, and my inability to do any good apart from God. Jesus said ‘apart from me, you can do nothing.’

Oh yeah, Bishop Fulton Sheen said that mental disorders may be caused by unresolved guilt. Although I’ve confessed most of my sins to Orthodox priests, I still feel guilty.

Sorry, I have no content worthy of mentioning. I feel a bit slow today.

Bugging people

A nice lady on WordPress complimented me and said I was good at writing. I feel blessed by the compliment!

Strangely, when I was just writing the above sentence, I was thinking about a dream I had recently. I was yelling curses at a high school assembly, and I was so scared that they’d blow me up! But then I woke up, I think.

Anyway, that nice friend had a blog on marketing. I have made about 5 AUD in art sales and 45 AUD in book sales. I sold a worthless art piece that I drew for 5 AUD in a mental health art exhibition. I sold about 7 books, 5 for 5 AUD each 2 for 10 AUD each.

I was trying to sell more books at an English conversation group last Friday. I definitely felt like I was bugging people! They are just unused books that I’ve finished reading. The people at the conversation group didn’t want to buy the books. So sad for me! Fortunately, I’m still receiving a disability support pension, so that is keeping me afloat.

I receive the disability support pension because I have psychiatric impairment. I tried to kill myself in 2006, 2007 and 2017. Those are when I had psychotic episodes.

I haven’t made any money through PayPal donations. I almost sold some more artwork, but the buyer refused to meet up, so I didn’t get to sell them to that person!

If you want to help me, my paypal is paypal.me/iakovoskriegor

God bless all of you!

One of my cats

For a cat, she snores pretty loudly.

It’s midnight here on a Saturday evening, and it is early spring. Things aren’t too hot, yet. But we will be complaining about the heat in about a month’s time.

I am beginning to miss winter already. But I miss more when I was 60kg and able to tolerate the heat better. And also, when I didn’t need my air conditioner so much to cool me down.

My ex came over today with her husband. He looks like a very humble man.

I accept her because I’m lonely, and will never have a real relationship with a lady, because I’m too disabled, and I don’t have an occupation. Such is my life.

I had a 6 hour nap after I came back from going out with my ex, her husband, and her friend. Things are very lonely for me.

I wish things could of been better. But secretly, no matter how hard I try, I believe I will not save my soul. But I must struggle harder!

The cold of the soul

St Teresa of Calcutta (commonly known as ‘Mother Theresa’) felt the dark night of the soul. She often wrote about it in her works. I too, feel a dark night of the soul. But I feel better after a bit of prayer.

As St Dominic Savio used to pray ‘death, but not sin!’ If I can abstain from sin, then the dark night may be reduced. I think in my case, my depression is punitive, but also educative. It teaches me humility.

As Satan was bound and cast out of heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise we must have humility. Humility, in my case, is to accept the dark night of the soul, with all the depression it entails. Not to come down from my cross, but to stay on my cross.

I thank God for my dark night. It teaches me humility very well. I have some literature I can read to help me resist the temptation to come down from my cross.

Paypal: paypal.me/iakovoskriegor

The loss of love

No, this post is not about lost love. That is something different altogether. This post is about a morale failure, which happened to me back in 2006.

This is when I had my first mental breakdown. It showed that I had a total distrust in God, and that I was a coward, as I couldn’t cope with the basic activities of life.

I wish it had been different, and I had a diagnosis of depression instead of schizophrenia. Depressed people only have to take meds for a short while, whereas schizophrenics have to take medication lifelong.

But I hope none of my readers suffer a mental breakdown. Anti-psychotics have a huge range of unpleasant side effects, from shakes to weight gain.

But I need my pills, as I can not cope with life, or the day-to-day moments of life. I wish I had faith and trust in Jesus. It would make my life so much more manageable.

God bless you all!

Paypal link: paypal.me/iakovoskriegor

I’m surprised people read my blog

Once again, thank you to all my readers! You are all very much appreciated!

It’s been about 5 days since my last depot injection. I feel a little more self-controlled due to an increase in my medication.

I saw my psychiatrist today. I enjoy seeing him. Some psychiatrists have a nice bedside manner.

I enjoy seeing my doctor as well. He is the one that monitors my health and gives me my depot injection.

I arranged to see my psychiatrist every 6 months, to give my psychiatrist time to see clients who are in more desperate need of his services. I need to stay with my psychiatrist if in case I need to go into hospital because I became too overwhelmed with life.

Things that could cause me to seek a hospital admission include the death of a family member, an invasion of Australia by a foreign power, or suddenly there is not enough food being produced to feed the world, including my poor country, Australia.

I still pray for the world, that nothing too bad happens on a global scale.

What shall I say?

I feel better today. I had a nice time at English conversation group today. I felt like my life had purpose.

It is 6 days until my 150mg depot injection. 150mg is the max dose of paliperidone that the psychiatrist is allowed to give me. I am coping on this dose of medication. But I feel I could cope on 100mg of paliperidone.

Of course, the amount of active ingredient is not much, but it still is a strong psychotropic drug. It heals those afflicted with mental insanity, with unpleasant side effects. But the side effects of my medication is not too bad.

Sometimes, I know I couldn’t cope with life without medication. I had schizophrenic symptoms since at least grade 5, at the turn of the millennium. I had a bad feeling back then about the 3rd millennium.

Maybe I was just cursed because of my violent behaviour as a small child. Maybe God sent me schizophrenia to teach me humility. Life certainly does teach me humility! I’ve got nothing left but to answer insult with blessing! Life is a struggle and a nightmare, in some cases.

Half a month to my depot

I can’t really find a topic to talk about.

It is about 13 days until my next depot injection. I am glad I get depots. I think a tablet form of my medication would not be able to keep me well.

I do not liken myself to somebody having a brain defect. But sometimes I feel unbearable loneliness, and other painful emotions.

If I could keep it together without relying on medication, I would. But my faith is nearly non-existent, that’s why I have to take one day at a time.

I pray China doesn’t invade Taiwan, and start a world war. I hope Russia doesn’t obliterate Ukraine.

God bless the world and the universe.