My destructive blog

Sometimes I have good days. Usually I have bad days. I know this doesn’t sound like much, but it does impact the way I write on my blog.

Sometimes I’m magnanimous, sometimes I’m vainglorious. I really should be trying to keep myself to myself. I do so, especially when I am out. I feel particularly unsafe on public transport. I’m sure the drivers feel that way, too.

I have not much to say on humility. Nearly all people can not implement the writings of the desert fathers onto their lives. Most people do not want to be Saints. Those that do, do not know how to be, nor can they be.

To be a Saint just involves being kind and courteous in all situations, including the ones where we are tired or stretched beyond our limit. That’s why I can not put in too many hours at my psycho-social rehabilitation facility, as the mentally ill people there often grind my gears.

If you want to give up in life, have some humility and seek treatment from the mental health system. This is not the initial piece of advice I’d give, but it is only used when the person is so severely ill that nothing can get him or her out of that depressive cycle.

I really hope the suicide rate in all countries goes down. Through the prayers of the blessed virgin, Amen.

After the depot 22/12/22

Christmas is almost here! I got my depot today. My doctor had a lot of advice for me. But I might not put it into practice.

There is nothing to do in this city. You are either working or studying, you are not suffering from a mental illness. Guess no city caters for the mentally ill.

But either way, I feel depressed. I had anti depressants, anti psychotics, and coffee and tea, and I still feel blue. Guess that is how my brain is wired.

I miss the years before 2005. I miss the years before I had to take medication long term. Life was better, even at high school, because at least I’d have an activity that I could do.

Life is quite lonely now. I really wish I wasn’t expelled from high school. I wish I could of left on my own.

But either way, life is depressing. I might go practice contemplation, if I can.

God bless you all.

I feel good, for a change

Even though I have very mild back pain from playing too many computer games, I feel good. I feel good because I had a cup of chai latte. It really hit the spot.

Maybe it is because I am 2 days away from my depot. Even though I have left my psychiatrist and been transferred to my GP, I probably won’t ask for tablets instead of my depot.

I need the depot to get through the loneliness of the holidays. I am not good at making new friends, well, anywhere. My self-esteem is too low.

I try not to bother others. Sure, the depot is a little prick, but I am glad to have it.

Maybe later I can come off the depot and go on a tablet form of the medication.

A game I used to play

This is a picture from a game I used to play in 1998. It was called Timelapse.

It was a beautiful game. I couldn’t play it well, because I wasn’t good at problem solving.

Thankfully, there are walkthroughs online in order to help one complete the game.

Xmas is in a week. I feel gloomy, as it is the most socially isolated time of the year for me, as a schizophrenic.

Thank you to all the people who have given me supportive comments.

Boom

Ok, so I was on qq one time, where I sounded so pitiful, a female person of some sorts showed a kumamon meme with the writing ‘boom’ painted in the background. It was purported that kumamon said ‘boom.’

So this is kumamon, a hit in Japan. But it is also funny in China too.

I guess I’m manic tonight, that’s why I overmedicate myself, to not make women uncomfortable.

I apologize to all the women I’ve asked out. I truly am a waste of energy and space.

TARDIS Time And Relative Dimensions In Space

I guess that would make me a ‘relative’ waste in ‘space.’

On negligence

It is a lonely road. Very few people care about what I’m going through. I just hope my life doesn’t end by suicide.

Life is lonely. I can’t imagine what it is like for people in hospital. I do pray for those in psychiatric asylums. I pray for those returning to the community.

But, on negligence. I am very negligent. I barely do my household chores. After a day of going to the library, I am too tired to do the dishes.

I am negligent in my spirituality too. I don’t really pray from a prayer book. I just pray while lying down. Talk about neglect in my prayer life.

I wish I had energy. I wish I wasn’t depressed. But each social mistake makes me more regretful of what I’ve said.

See you.

My previous posts

I look at the majority of my posts, and I realise I have managed to keep it largely together.

But nobody cares about this blog anyway.

I hardly even make new friends here.

It’s a lonely road.

I almost cried at the library today. I tried to keep it together. I just left when I was about to cry. I wanted to cry because I have few friends and very poor social connections.

I’m still very obese. My meds don’t make me want to practice abstinence via starvation. The only way to lose weight on medication is to starve yourself.

Life is very lonely. The fact I’m dishonoured doesn’t make it any easier.

Maybe I will go to my bedroom and pray.

Positive outlook

Well, I don’t feel 100% positive, although a lot of people right now are coping with life quite well. I am not one of them.

I did feel quite good after seeing the priest today. We talked about monasticism. Monasticism is the concept of becoming a monk or nun and living separate from the community to give oneself up to fasting and prayer.

I can not become a monk, as I eat too much. My illness isn’t stressing me at the moment, so I eat whenever I feel hungry. I try my best to resist my appetite as much as possible, to no avail.

Some of my friends don’t read my blog. I accept that. Some of my friends don’t read at all. Their loss.

I do not know what my next psychotic episode could look like, if I were to reduce the medication. I best just be content on my current dose of medication.

A cold spring night

The nights should be unbearably hot at this time of year. I’m glad to get some relief. At the end of October, things in Brisbane will be unbearably hot. But sometimes, I like hot weather. It means I don’t have to put jumpers on, which I’m lazy to do.

It is a public holiday today. I feel a little subdued. I was feeling good during part of the day, then I was shouting at voices in my head, then I calmed back down. I really wish I didn’t have rapid mood swings.

I wish I could become a Saint. But what does that even mean? I guess I just want to be praised for something. I do not even believe I will enter the Lord’s rest. Why? The prayers of the people I’ve hurt in the past have reached the Lord of Sabaoth, and He inflicts pain upon me, because of my evil I did to others in primary and high school.

I confess, when I remember the things I used to do in high school and primary school, that I do need punishment. As I sometimes say to Jesus ‘punish me in this life, and not the next!’ I really wish I had come to obey Jesus in early primary school, before my wickedness had reached a certain level, to require a certain punishment.

But most of all, my conscience is in pain. I wish I had not hit other students in primary and high school. It is a shameful behaviour, to get violent, all because they said something rude. I should of been better than that long ago.

Forgive me, oh God.

On pride

I have delusions that I am a Saint. I also have delusions that I will go to hell, although that might not be so much of a delusion.

Since I have so much pride, I certainly will not be able to access God’s healing presence. Nothing casts out God’s spirit than pride. Maybe I’m wrong, I’d love to hear everybody’s input.

Bishop Fulton Sheen said in one of his books that the proud man can not receive God’s mysteries, as he tramples God under foot. That’s why I try to do all the good I can, so that when I die, I may have a comprehension of my own nothingness, and my inability to do any good apart from God. Jesus said ‘apart from me, you can do nothing.’

Oh yeah, Bishop Fulton Sheen said that mental disorders may be caused by unresolved guilt. Although I’ve confessed most of my sins to Orthodox priests, I still feel guilty.

Sorry, I have no content worthy of mentioning. I feel a bit slow today.