Erotic hallucinations

I do not think that the reason most of the women rejected me was because I was ugly or fat. I think it was because I am schizophrenic. Most women associate violence with schizophrenia.

Yes, it is true, unless I’m fully medicated, I can be out of control. But on this last day before my depot, I’m happy to be single. Relationships are too stressful.

This is the point where my brain is actually producing enough happiness hormones for me to be happy.

I do have erotic hallucinations. I imagine women are looking at me in the shopping mall. I hallucinated that a woman said hello to me, when she actually didn’t.

I am shy, but I feel ok today. I’m not as depressed as other days.

It’s a nice feeling on the evening before the day I get my 70th depot, almost.

I have been given a lot of depots over the years. I support it when I am feeling depressed, so I know that even if I don’t want to take medication, I am given it without my consent. So that I never get to how bad I was either in 2012 or 2017, during my psychotic episodes.

Hope my blog post isn’t too boring.


The morning after my depot

The depot wasn’t too painful. My right arm doesn’t hurt too much. It was the deltoid that I got my depot injected into.

I’m glad I get to go see a medical professional every month. He has a lot of wisdom, particularly because he is a Russian Orthodox Christian.

When I stepped on the scales at the doctor’s office, I weighed 121kg. He said on my most recent blood test that everything was normal, except my cholesterol, which was a bit high. He recommended exercise and healthy eating, ie vegetables.

I am feeling great! I have been praying together with my friends. I hope my prayers make a difference in the world.

Things are not as bad as they could be. Maybe I have a guardian angel watching over me.

5 days before my next depot

It is a cool night. I feel cold and alone in my soul. I went out to the library today. Apart from that, I played computer games most of the time. I had pizza slices at a kebab place near the library for lunch today.

There is so much luxury food items in today’s shopping malls. The book I was reading today called ‘Unseen Warfare’ was written in a time when it was hard to get luxuries. So I can not imagine living without coffee, sugar, chocolate, computer games, and coffee milk! I need them to lift up my emotions a little.

I am not ascetic. I try self-denial in the form of not correcting others harshly. I know what it is like to be corrected and rebuked. It is not a pleasant experience. Therefore, I attempt to be nice to everybody I know.

My mom’s friend said that 95% of what we said we’ve said before and only 5% of what we say is new information. I am full of repetitive garbage. As me and dad were coming home from Coles at night, I related to him information I learnt from YouTube about a homeless woman in Japan. I also said this same information to my support worker a day earlier.

I wish I was an original content creator. I mean, at least creative in my thoughts. But most of my blog, and what I say, is recycled information. It would be worse if I wasn’t on medication, as I wouldn’t be able to focus and stay on topic, but would jump around everywhere in my topics of conversation. I wouldn’t say anything relevant. Such is the severity of my sickness.

I was playing Borderlands 2 just now. I was trying to come across Eridium in the game. It is used for character upgrades. I am glad for the luxury of computer games. I am glad I have money to buy food and pay bills. Even though I am cold and lonely, and my life feels empty, life is good.

The night before my depot

I’ve been on injections since winter 2017. I was on depots before then, but I had breaks in between where I took tablets instead of injections.

It is strongly recommended that I take the depot of 150mg Invega Sustenna every 28 days. But my psychiatrist said that if my illness worsens, then I can take it every 21 days. But I prefer it every 28 days, as my weight begins to lessen towards the 28th day.

I weighed 119.7kg on the scales at the start of today. It has been the first time in a while that my weight was below 120kg. I was 60kg before I started taking medication back in 2006. I was in grade 11 when I had my first hospital stay. Before that stay, I weighed 58kg, afterwards, I weighed 80kg. Fancy how much damage anti-psychotics do to your body.

Today was ok at the shops, where I got a haircut for 10 dollars. Very cheap in my opinion. The way I felt was how I felt on a good day in grade 8 in 2003. I was doing tennis and rowing at Brisbane State High School. It was like a day during the holidays. Fancy that, my entire life is like a big holiday, as I receive the disability support pension!

Hopefully my anxiety won’t worsen once I get the depot tomorrow. I hope I can lose more weight, for my health. Also, having more confidence with the women would help lol.

Nah, no woman from the sushi train or hair salon would date me in a million years. They would ask ‘what do you do?’ I’d honestly say ‘I’m a schizophrenic on a pension.’ So they’d be like ‘how do I get out of here?’ LOL.