On my unforgivable sin

‘Jesus is asking a bit much,’ St Mother Teresa, on her deathbed.

Dear Risen Lord Jesus Christ

I didn’t do your will. I didn’t bless you as God.
Now I’m in hell, suffering for my sins.
No, I am not dead, but your mercy torments me, as I can not reach my grandma, nor the others who have died.

Maybe I will get some relief, when I am in the actual hell.
I will see some of the people I’ve loved, who weren’t good enough for You.
I prayed everyday for my family, and my dead relatives
Only to find out that, my prayers were offensive to you.

I wish I could of done your will. I wish I could of been holy.
But my righteousness was never enough. I didn’t go enough times to church.
I didn’t pray enough. I didn’t fast enough. My mental illness kept me back
from wholeheartedly following your will.

I’m in hell, and I say ‘thank you God.’
Your will is done, both in heaven and in hell.


I am not feeling mentally well

It is Wednesday night. I get my depot next Monday. But the 28th day after my depot is tomorrow. So my depot will be 4 days late. I am not feeling too well.

Tomorrow in Australia is the Queen’s National Day of Mourning. God bless her. Eternal be the Queen’s memory.

Sure wish I had a courageous soul. But my soul is frail, shaken, and uneasy.

The war in Ukraine, the rise of communist China, all these things make me uneasy. God have mercy on Earth.

Dr Lovely

My friend keeps calling me Dr Lovely because I keep yelling out the pen fifteen word all the time in my street. I can’t say the actual word, as I will have my account closed.

I diagnose this world with mental illness, and a great deal of anger. I just hope suicides are kept to a minimum worldwide.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. Thus quoted Stalin. But God sees the value in every human life. That’s why He loves everybody, sinner and Saint, angel and demon. Hell is only in our minds. But it also is in our minds after death. And I feel, once we die, we can’t change our minds. I don’t know, just a feeling.

10 days after my depot

I feel depressed. It is 4:30am in the morning and the morning is very chilly here in Australia.

I worry that the world will escalate into a global war, due to the lack of humility of a few of the most powerful countries’ leaders.

I try to be humble, but sometimes, I want to lash out.

I pray for Australia, and other countries as well, that there may not be a global conflict.

But God is closing the gate of mercy on all of us, and we may well yet see the fruit of our sins….

It’s just a state of mind

I pray mercy for all my family, friends and enemies. I pray especially for those I have not perfectly forgiven. I pray they have peace and joy, both here and in the next life.

I don’t understand how some people enjoy life, while I am semi-miserable, and require constant medicating to be able to cope with life.

Maybe some happy people can not understand how some people can have schizophrenia.

When you are born, you become eternal. Death is not the end. We exist for eternity. We all have a beginning, yet we live forever, in a place of joy, or in a place of pain. I pray nobody goes to hell.


I must admit, I admire the mini celebrity Hamza. He did a public apology to a fellow YouTuber named Sneako. He was talking about humility. I was impressed by his advocation of the virtue of humility.

I must admit, as much as I like to think I’m humble, I am actually not humble. I don’t do much with my life. If I was humble, I’d be involved in my community a lot more.

Being humble is a struggle. It was easier to do it in group chat because the praise of others would fuel my desire to accept being insulted. Usually, when somebody abuses me in real, there is nobody to defend me, so only God sees my humility. But I don’t see God.

I wish I did live for God, but it is not true, I don’t live for God. I live for self. I wish I could repent, but I am not motivated to put in the effort to repent. Maybe if reincarnation is true, better luck next life. But something in me testifies to the permanence of hell in the next life.

Life is a nightmare

In all our tragedies of life, we still do not repent.

I wish I could appear to all the sinful souls, and tell them of this place of torment, for they would fear to come here.

There is no repentance in hell.

There is no repentance after death.

I had a bad dream last night, about colonising other planets, and getting infected with some disease, that might of been too horrible to imagine, but the dream didn’t show me getting sick.

I just hope humanity can become slightly more Godly in the future.

WordPress vs YouTube

It sure is easier to attract readers on WordPress than to attract people to watch my videos on YouTube. Maybe it is because I don’t add tags to my YouTube videos.

I remember why I took the vaccine, even though I am an anti-vaxxer. I owe the Australian government my loyalty. They have given me at least 200 000 dollars over the last 13 years I’ve been on a disability support pension. Even though I nearly spent it all, I do owe the Australian government my obedience.

I am expendable, if the vaccine will eventually kill me. I do not deserve to live. I have never paid any taxes. I have only worked less than 10 hours in total in all my life. Even if the vaccine does not kill me, my medication for my mental illness will.

God said ‘no one can serve two masters.’ I guess I’m more loyal to the secular humanist state than I am to Christendom. I have endured a lot of social rejection at churches, both Protestant and Orthodox. Therefore I attribute blame to God.

I must be a really ugly person to of only ever had 1 girlfriend in all my life. Maybe I am not even a 2 out of 10, maybe I am just a 1. I am 120kg, and counting. But I can still do gentle exercise without vomiting too much. Sorry, that was a little bit of a bad joke at the end there. I don’t exercise unless I’ve had 2-3 hours without food.

My life so far April fools day 2021

I’m not sure how long I’ve had this WordPress blog for.

I’ve been wondering if somebody else could tell me. I would have difficulty navigating my settings.

I would like to know how to make money on WordPress too lol. I tried the YouTube idea, but I didn’t get enough views or subscribers. To make money from advertising on YouTube, you must have 1000 subscribers and 4000 hours worth of viewing time from other users in the past year. I had trouble getting subscribers and also getting people to watch my poorly designed videos.

Anyway, to my life so far. My mom’s mom passed away recently. I have so much more anxiety now than when my grandpas passed away in 2006. I am more conscious of the fear of death, and the imminent expectation of being thrown into hell after I die. I wish I was more Godly. Maybe had I been an actual Saint, Coronavirus wouldn’t of happened.

My grandma outlived both my grandpas by 15 years. I don’t know how long I’ll live. I wish I’d pass away before mum and dad, to save me the heartache of missing them. But since I’m so highly medicated, probably I will die first, as medication shortens lifespan quite a bit.

But I do pray for the souls of the dead, and my friends who are still alive here on Earth. Life is a nightmare. I think if we were all to live 1000 years, we still could not do enough works to become a Saint.

God help us all. Amen.