I miss the times when I actually enjoyed life….

If I tried to write about not being mentally ill, I would have very little clue how to do it; and if I did write about it, it would sound too fake. Sigh, what shall I do with my life?

I’d just say play it safe. I have a lot of regrets about the foolish and evil things I’ve said to others in the past. They were usually people much tougher than me, and I’m glad I didn’t end up in the emergency department with broken bones!

Sigh, life. If I could write a book about my life, I would. That is if I could write a book about anything.

I am sort of getting behind in my life of online blogging. My blog on WordPress and my YouTube channel are of low, unenhanced quality, so I get very few views, and even less subscribers. To start making money from advertising on YouTube, you need 1000 subscribers and 4000 hours worth of viewing time in the last year. That is the algorithm that calculates whether your channel is worth watching or not.

I don’t even know how the paid advertising works on WordPress. I only serve like 100 ads to my viewers per month, and I get 0 dollars to my PayPal. Guess 100 views a month is too small.

But now that I’m not manic, do I actually enjoy anything? I wouldn’t say I enjoy computer games. I just play them to not be too tormented by boredom. It is a struggle to get to and from church, let alone stand for the English Divine Liturgy in the Greek Orthodox Church which goes for 75 minutes, roughly.

I would do a martial art class, but I run out of energy just walking to the venue where it is held. I must lack Chi energy. Chi as in Qi Gong energy.

The more I vegetate on my bed, the weaker and weaker my muscles become. I have moderate function, I wouldn’t call myself a high functioning autistic, as I can neither work nor drive a car. I am afraid of my own shadow.

If I wrote a song about how I feel, the chorus would go ‘nobody cares…’ Oh well, better luck for me next reincarnation….

Purpose in life

In this world, we all have a God-given purpose. We may like it, we may not, but ultimately God determines our destiny. I am not a believer in predestination, but I believe that we must cooperate with God’s grace in order to achieve our purpose in life.

But are we doing what God wants in our life, or are we doing our own will, or even worse; saying we are doing God’s will but really doing our own will?

Take me for example. When I read into the bible, I misinterpreted many concepts, as I never had a director in the spiritual things. I interpreted the great commission for the apostles upon Jesus’s resurrection as applicable to me, meaning I had to go and preach the gospel to strangers. This was an error on my part, as living my life for God could prove as obedience to God’s will.

Street preaching is not for everybody, and certainly not for me. I thought my purpose was evangelism. But since I’ve been on better medication and hence joined the Orthodox Church, I have found new direction in my life.

Many of the protestant denominations are evangelical, as in they will go into the community to seek out new members. The Orthodox church is monastic and ascetic, meaning it leads by example, and those most shining spiritual examples are the monks, priests, bishops, nuns and hermits of our holy faith.

So, instead of talking about the bible, serving my parents is my evangelism. Going to confession is my evangelism. Working at my volunteer work is my evangelism. So I have found new direction in life.

The people of this world usually will not want to hear a street preacher approach them and introduce them to the gospel. But there is a remnant of people like myself who are trying to find the truth, and yearn to find truth. I hope a member of the Orthodox church can lead even me to the truth.