Diary entries 14/06/21 to 16/06/21

I want to re-commit to diary writing. I have left it off for over a year now.

14/06/21

Well, this is the 2nd journal I’m going through. I need to throw out this diary eventually too.

I surmise that Eckhart Tolle just believes in Jesus Christ as just a good man. Protestants and Orthodox alike would be furious at him for denying the Trinity. But they’d get furious at him and others for the most inconsequential of reasons. In my opinion, Jesus is God. But who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll deny Him.

15/06/21

I had a dream about hell last night. But I wasn’t in the deepest levels of hell, but the uppermost levels of hell, closest to God.

Maybe I’m not as bad as I surmise.

16/06/21

It is a day before I get a haircut. I also wonder whether I can get the Covid vaccine at my GP.

My life is long and arduous, even though I’m on the disability pension, with no obligation to look for work.

I just hope that today, as I go out, I can make a new friend. God bless me.

Humility, the path unto rest

I have ranted and raved on this blog before. I do have outbursts of emotion sometimes, particularly when on lower doses of medication. I wish more people would be my friend, stick up for me, and generally comfort me during a psychotic episode.

But it is too much to ask. If the world were more repentant, mental illness wouldn’t exist. I wouldn’t have to suffer. But I need mental illness, so I’d know what mental wellness might look like, if I ever get there.

We need bad times to appreciate the good times. We need suffering to appreciate when we feel good. We need mental illness to appreciate the times when we are not mentally ill. This is wisdom from the Tao Te Ching, or the Holy book of Taoism. Although I am a Christian, certain aspects of me respect the wisdom found in Taoism and Buddhism.

Light can not exist without darkness. Perfection can not exist without imperfection. That is why the devil fell, so us humans would appreciate perfect times, as much as true perfection doesn’t exist in this lifetime.

If God gave us everything we wanted, and took away all evil in the world, then we’d all become little Lucifers, because we’d all become ungrateful and proud.

So, you want perfection so perfect that you never would become proud? But did you earn that perfection? Did you make use of the gifts God gave you to achieve perfection? God needs us to grow up, not to become soulless automatons with no free will.

Sorry, my bloggers, I’m going all over the place. Maybe I do feel a little manic. It has been 22 days since my last injection of anti-psychotic, and I drank too much coffee. I don’t know when I’ll go to sleep tonight.

God bless you all. May you all enjoy the journey of life, despite how bad it feels, for a little season.

I pray for peace

The pandemic has caused many to die from infection. But these things have happened before. I believe there was a Spanish flu ravaging the country in the early 20th century, correct me if I’m wrong.

I was reading today in one of the gospels that there will be ‘pestilences’ as a sign before the coming of the son of man. What He meant is that plagues, such as covid, will happen before the son of God comes in His glory with the angels.

Medicine has advanced so much. But my grandma said ‘we had typhoid and cholera back in China, why are we so scared of a simple flu?’ My grandma grew up in China, before being kicked out by the communists. To answer her question, I just say, society has gotten a lot weaker since the beginning of the communist era in China. Some of our great grandparents and grandparents fought in world wars and survived the great depression, while we are trying the kill ourselves just because ‘life doesn’t go our way.’

I must admit, I am much weaker than other people of the past. I’m weaker than my parents and many of my own generation. I sit at home, vegetating on a pension! And I’m only 32 years old!

I tried to be a cadet in 2005, but it broke me, and gave me mental illness! I just don’t have the strength to live my life, no matter what!

Even holidays would do me no good, as I would worry that I am not worthy of the holiday, as I get a permanent holiday anyway through not working.

I worry about money. Because in Proverbs, Solomon says ‘money maketh wings, and flyeth away.’ So I don’t have either the capacity to make my own money, nor enough money to live on. If I wasn’t living with my parents, I’d be in a very bad state.

I wish I was enlightened

When I was young, I wanted the enlightenment of the Buddhist monk, and the courage of the kung fu master. Now that I’ve grown up, I really wish I just had a purpose in life.

I really don’t live a ‘purpose-driven life’ by the same title of Rick Warren’s book. I couldn’t succeed in Christianity. I couldn’t succeed in Orthodoxy. I couldn’t succeed in Buddhism. I couldn’t succeed in life.

Maybe there will be some ad revenue on my blog once August is over. Not likely. My blogs are fairly boring. Life seems so full of despair, but the depression is manageable on medication. Mindfulness meditations do help as well.

The Buddhist state of ‘enlightenment’ is the ultimate aim of the Buddhist life, same as ‘Theosis’ is the aim of the Orthodox life. My former confessor said that when one achieved Theosis that person believed he was the worst of sinners. How to know one truly thinks of themselves as the worst of sinners is when you don’t judge others no matter what.

Theosis is attained by communing, confessing, fasting, praying, giving alms, and most importantly by practising the Jesus prayer. You must do all these things with repentance, or else they will all be useless. I was told not to pray the Jesus prayer because I’m a schizophrenic. The justifications I’ve been given for that are not adequate, concluding that it may be a demonic prayer.

So I never much pray the Jesus prayer. I pray in my own words, because I have more virtue than the Orthodox Christian who goes to Church every Sunday. Often, Sunday Orthodox Christians have a false virtue, because they bless God, yet curse the disabled and homeless man.

Such is the pitiable state of the Orthodox Churches in my city.

Diary entries 24/3/21 to 26/3/21

24/3/21

I’m glad I do donate to charity every now and then. Gives something for my money to do. I went with my support worker to the library and read the book titled ‘God is good for you.’ It said that Christians give 4 times as much to charity as non-religious people do. Makes me glad I fear God and the coming judgement.

25/3/21

Hold it together, James. You have got so much to live for. You must avoid death at all costs, for when you die, then the torments start. I doubt I will ever see paradise. Only the Saints get into heaven. You tried, you tried, you were not found worthy. Just stay in the community without consuming valuable hospital resources which could be allocated to someone more valuable than yourself.

26/3/21

Today was a better day than yesterday. I was praised by my friends at an English conversation group. They said I was a really good person.

The English conversation group is off for 3 weeks due to school holidays. Hope the teachers have a nice break.

Love one another. This is the great commandment from Jesus Christ. For if I don’t love others, how can I love God?

God bless everybody

It’s almost the end of an 8 day lockdown for south-east Queensland. I hope everybody gets to go out and do what they love once this lockdown is over.

I took my first dose of Pfizer. Now, I did do an article saying I wouldn’t take the vaccine, but I changed my mind. I preferred a vaccine than getting sick with COVID.

But even though I disobeyed the old calendar movement, I still want to follow Christ, just not as strict as the old calendar zealots do. I think I’m still welcome amongst the new calendarists.

On another topic, if I were to go on a camp to Mapleton like I did in 2005, I would have to go on a non-religious camp, such as a tennis camp or mental health camp. Because I’m getting too old for Presbyterian university camps. I’d have no function there, as I do not have a good testimony about God. People look at me and say ‘You have schizophrenia. What good has obeying God ever done you?’

But I miss the camps in the past. I miss air cadets, tae kwon do, tai chi, and high school. But honestly, looking back, those activities were boring. I only liked them because mania acted as a screen blocking out my deep emotional pain. Well, at least I can make blogs now.

I do like to travel. But only for about 1 or 2 hours outside Brisbane by car, not going on the plane. Life stinks, but that is only because I’m not manic. I do get the opportunity to read the bible a lot. I’m reading the book of Exodus now.

Shout out to all my friends! I hope everybody does what they like! God bless! Amen.

Dedicated to an unknown friend

As it says in the Psalms, ‘Be still, and know that I, am God.’ In the book titled, ‘Unseen Warfare,’ it says Jesus is always beside us, especially when we call out to Him with eyes of faith. It is very difficult not to despair when we have mental illness.

You are not your mistakes. You are not the negative experiences that happened in your past. Life is a dream. The bad things that happened to you in your childhood are not real. Try not to identify with your traumas. Nothing is real, except God.

God is the kindest thing that exists. God looks upon you with exceedingly great love and compassion. God will continue having mercy upon you, even in sheol. God loves you even beyond death.

What we experience in the next life is the sum total of anger and resentment we have in our hearts. As we forgive, so are we forgiven. But remember, the evil that the world does to you actually doesn’t exist. It is all just a dream that you wake up from in eternity.

Nobody cares

I feel so cold and alone. This feels like the cold of Tartarus. Hell is both too hot and too cold at the same time.

I’d like to apologize to all my friends whom I’ve offended with my various ungrateful and evil words I’ve said to them. I hope you find it within your heart to forgive me, as I have autism and schizoaffective disorder.

Life is a nightmare. Even in the midst of comfort, we feel lonely and without God. I just hope God gives rest to all those of my family and friends who have fallen asleep – the sleep of death.

I can’t even speak other languages properly. The blogs I write are at a year 7 English standard. I tried to write Chinese and Japanese but they are at a grade 1 equivalent standard.

I give a shout out to all my qq friends who read my blog. I uninstalled qq from my tablet. Now I can’t find qq international or tencent qq in the play store. Guess Scott Morrison really hates Chinese enterprises.

Forgive me, it is all my fault. But then again, nobody cares. I will be left all alone, in the end.

Me doing squat stretches

I am heavily overweight. If I can do these stretches, can I side kick above hip height? Can I do a decent side split? Probably not. But I think I look good doing these exercises.

Hope my blog gets more views. God bless everybody on WordPress.

My life so far 27/12/20

Wow, Covid-19 has really shocked the world this year. I just hope all who come across my blog have been safe this year, protected by God from disease, illness, sudden death, foreign invasion, and anything that may frighten and perplex the human soul.

I didn’t catch the virus this year. Here in Queensland, the government has done an exemplary job of protecting its citizens from Covid-19. My friends in Brisbane were all protected from it, too.

Nonetheless, I have some things to say to all people in Brisbane. We must all repent. Jesus said in the Gospels ‘Do you think that the Galileans whom the tower of Siloam fell on were worse sinners than they? No, I tell you, unless you all repent, you will all perish.’ Stop fornicating, because it destroys the communion between each person’s souls. Stop committing adultery, God declared marriage holy, and the wedding bed undefiled.

Do not get angry at others, let others have their way. Because life is a nightmare, we should not impose our wills upon anybody. God didn’t force us to love Him by coercion, He gave us the freedom to walk away from Him. But how blessed will we be, if we love Him with all our heart! God gave us free will, so by using our free will properly, we would inherit a greater reward in heaven than the oceans, earth, trees, and animals who obey God by default.

God has taught me much during my life. I would not have my mental illness removed or my experiences in life erased for all the treasure on earth, because without mental illness, I would not have even begun to cultivate humility. As St John Climacus says in the Ladder of Divine Ascent, ‘Without humility, nobody shall enter the bridal chamber.’ That bridal chamber is the Kingdom of heaven.

So let us all think the least of ourselves, not quarrelling with others over senseless matters. Let us be humble, then shall the light of Christ shine in others. And even if many reject the light, the humble shall still be at peace.

I shall leave you with a monastic saying of the desert fathers, for all Christians struggling with temptation in Brisbane: ‘Even if we never enter the promised land, it is best that we leave our bones to lie in the desert, then return to slavery in Egypt.’