I wish I was enlightened

When I was young, I wanted the enlightenment of the Buddhist monk, and the courage of the kung fu master. Now that I’ve grown up, I really wish I just had a purpose in life.

I really don’t live a ‘purpose-driven life’ by the same title of Rick Warren’s book. I couldn’t succeed in Christianity. I couldn’t succeed in Orthodoxy. I couldn’t succeed in Buddhism. I couldn’t succeed in life.

Maybe there will be some ad revenue on my blog once August is over. Not likely. My blogs are fairly boring. Life seems so full of despair, but the depression is manageable on medication. Mindfulness meditations do help as well.

The Buddhist state of ‘enlightenment’ is the ultimate aim of the Buddhist life, same as ‘Theosis’ is the aim of the Orthodox life. My former confessor said that when one achieved Theosis that person believed he was the worst of sinners. How to know one truly thinks of themselves as the worst of sinners is when you don’t judge others no matter what.

Theosis is attained by communing, confessing, fasting, praying, giving alms, and most importantly by practising the Jesus prayer. You must do all these things with repentance, or else they will all be useless. I was told not to pray the Jesus prayer because I’m a schizophrenic. The justifications I’ve been given for that are not adequate, concluding that it may be a demonic prayer.

So I never much pray the Jesus prayer. I pray in my own words, because I have more virtue than the Orthodox Christian who goes to Church every Sunday. Often, Sunday Orthodox Christians have a false virtue, because they bless God, yet curse the disabled and homeless man.

Such is the pitiable state of the Orthodox Churches in my city.

Diary entries 24/3/21 to 26/3/21

24/3/21

I’m glad I do donate to charity every now and then. Gives something for my money to do. I went with my support worker to the library and read the book titled ‘God is good for you.’ It said that Christians give 4 times as much to charity as non-religious people do. Makes me glad I fear God and the coming judgement.

25/3/21

Hold it together, James. You have got so much to live for. You must avoid death at all costs, for when you die, then the torments start. I doubt I will ever see paradise. Only the Saints get into heaven. You tried, you tried, you were not found worthy. Just stay in the community without consuming valuable hospital resources which could be allocated to someone more valuable than yourself.

26/3/21

Today was a better day than yesterday. I was praised by my friends at an English conversation group. They said I was a really good person.

The English conversation group is off for 3 weeks due to school holidays. Hope the teachers have a nice break.

Love one another. This is the great commandment from Jesus Christ. For if I don’t love others, how can I love God?

God bless everybody

It’s almost the end of an 8 day lockdown for south-east Queensland. I hope everybody gets to go out and do what they love once this lockdown is over.

I took my first dose of Pfizer. Now, I did do an article saying I wouldn’t take the vaccine, but I changed my mind. I preferred a vaccine than getting sick with COVID.

But even though I disobeyed the old calendar movement, I still want to follow Christ, just not as strict as the old calendar zealots do. I think I’m still welcome amongst the new calendarists.

On another topic, if I were to go on a camp to Mapleton like I did in 2005, I would have to go on a non-religious camp, such as a tennis camp or mental health camp. Because I’m getting too old for Presbyterian university camps. I’d have no function there, as I do not have a good testimony about God. People look at me and say ‘You have schizophrenia. What good has obeying God ever done you?’

But I miss the camps in the past. I miss air cadets, tae kwon do, tai chi, and high school. But honestly, looking back, those activities were boring. I only liked them because mania acted as a screen blocking out my deep emotional pain. Well, at least I can make blogs now.

I do like to travel. But only for about 1 or 2 hours outside Brisbane by car, not going on the plane. Life stinks, but that is only because I’m not manic. I do get the opportunity to read the bible a lot. I’m reading the book of Exodus now.

Shout out to all my friends! I hope everybody does what they like! God bless! Amen.

Dedicated to an unknown friend

As it says in the Psalms, ‘Be still, and know that I, am God.’ In the book titled, ‘Unseen Warfare,’ it says Jesus is always beside us, especially when we call out to Him with eyes of faith. It is very difficult not to despair when we have mental illness.

You are not your mistakes. You are not the negative experiences that happened in your past. Life is a dream. The bad things that happened to you in your childhood are not real. Try not to identify with your traumas. Nothing is real, except God.

God is the kindest thing that exists. God looks upon you with exceedingly great love and compassion. God will continue having mercy upon you, even in sheol. God loves you even beyond death.

What we experience in the next life is the sum total of anger and resentment we have in our hearts. As we forgive, so are we forgiven. But remember, the evil that the world does to you actually doesn’t exist. It is all just a dream that you wake up from in eternity.

Nobody cares

I feel so cold and alone. This feels like the cold of Tartarus. Hell is both too hot and too cold at the same time.

I’d like to apologize to all my friends whom I’ve offended with my various ungrateful and evil words I’ve said to them. I hope you find it within your heart to forgive me, as I have autism and schizoaffective disorder.

Life is a nightmare. Even in the midst of comfort, we feel lonely and without God. I just hope God gives rest to all those of my family and friends who have fallen asleep – the sleep of death.

I can’t even speak other languages properly. The blogs I write are at a year 7 English standard. I tried to write Chinese and Japanese but they are at a grade 1 equivalent standard.

I give a shout out to all my qq friends who read my blog. I uninstalled qq from my tablet. Now I can’t find qq international or tencent qq in the play store. Guess Scott Morrison really hates Chinese enterprises.

Forgive me, it is all my fault. But then again, nobody cares. I will be left all alone, in the end.

Me doing squat stretches

I am heavily overweight. If I can do these stretches, can I side kick above hip height? Can I do a decent side split? Probably not. But I think I look good doing these exercises.

Hope my blog gets more views. God bless everybody on WordPress.

My life so far 27/12/20

Wow, Covid-19 has really shocked the world this year. I just hope all who come across my blog have been safe this year, protected by God from disease, illness, sudden death, foreign invasion, and anything that may frighten and perplex the human soul.

I didn’t catch the virus this year. Here in Queensland, the government has done an exemplary job of protecting its citizens from Covid-19. My friends in Brisbane were all protected from it, too.

Nonetheless, I have some things to say to all people in Brisbane. We must all repent. Jesus said in the Gospels ‘Do you think that the Galileans whom the tower of Siloam fell on were worse sinners than they? No, I tell you, unless you all repent, you will all perish.’ Stop fornicating, because it destroys the communion between each person’s souls. Stop committing adultery, God declared marriage holy, and the wedding bed undefiled.

Do not get angry at others, let others have their way. Because life is a nightmare, we should not impose our wills upon anybody. God didn’t force us to love Him by coercion, He gave us the freedom to walk away from Him. But how blessed will we be, if we love Him with all our heart! God gave us free will, so by using our free will properly, we would inherit a greater reward in heaven than the oceans, earth, trees, and animals who obey God by default.

God has taught me much during my life. I would not have my mental illness removed or my experiences in life erased for all the treasure on earth, because without mental illness, I would not have even begun to cultivate humility. As St John Climacus says in the Ladder of Divine Ascent, ‘Without humility, nobody shall enter the bridal chamber.’ That bridal chamber is the Kingdom of heaven.

So let us all think the least of ourselves, not quarrelling with others over senseless matters. Let us be humble, then shall the light of Christ shine in others. And even if many reject the light, the humble shall still be at peace.

I shall leave you with a monastic saying of the desert fathers, for all Christians struggling with temptation in Brisbane: ‘Even if we never enter the promised land, it is best that we leave our bones to lie in the desert, then return to slavery in Egypt.’

Take it easy

Greetings everybody. My topic is ‘taking it easy’. People seem to always be on the go, go, go. I live in the slow lane. But the thing about always being on the go, is that you can frequently get burnt out.

I have been sick for about a week with a cold. I thank God everyday for this cold, as it leads me towards perfect humility. As an Orthodox ascetic once said ‘As satan was bound and cast out from heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise, we must have humility.’ So I thank God each and every day for the bad things that happen to me. It makes me realise my weakness, and depend more and more on God.

The Lord says to St Paul in one of his epistles ‘My grace is sufficient for you. In your weakness, my strength is made manifest.’ This is one of the verses the Pentecostals would NOT underline in their bible. The miracles of the pentecostal and charismatic churches are false and demonic, don’t trust them.

One of the things that delights the Lord is ‘sickness borne with patience, as this brings great joy to the Lord in our affliction’. Our patience proves whether we are worthy of receiving paradise, when the end of our life comes.

Anyway, getting back on topic, take things one day at a time. It’s no good if you burn yourself out and end up committing suicide. Stay alive! Because Jesus Christ has a great reward in place for you after your faith has been proven true through the furnace of tribulation.

My youtube account

Hello everybody. I am surprised how many good and honest people would even regard my blog. Thank you to all the nice people out there who support me on my journey to heaven!

I started a youtube account, which I pay premium for. I’m hoping people will like my videos. My channel’s name is ‘Mr Keai’, which means ‘Mr cute’ in chinese. Chinese language does not distinguish between the adjectives ‘lovely’ and ‘cute’. So my real name ‘James Owen Lovely’ is just ‘James Owen Cute’ in chinese equivalent. Otherwise in pinyin it’s known as Zhanmushi Ouwen Keai.

Anyway, my serious advice to all people seeking the kingdom of God, take one day at a time, go easy on yourself, especially if you are going to have a mental breakdown. In 2006, when I was acutely manic, I was doing high school, air force cadets, tai chi, and tae kwon do, then I lost my mind and ended up in hospital!

I don’t believe in the saying ‘no pain, no gain’. I believe, ‘push yourself too hard and you will get injured.’ I realise a lot of people out there will not understand weak people like me, such as David Goggins, or Jordan Peterson. But they have a certain mindset and set of genetics that makes them extremely tough. I am not like that.

I do not think I will ever become a CEO, or even any kind of leader, for that matter. But God gives gifts to everybody, some He withholds from others, while giving to someone else. Anyway, I’ll try to post my youtube link, so you can enjoy all my youtube videos. God bless!

Yay! It worked! Hope you all enjoy!

What a person needs to do

Welcome to my blog. I hope that my website is not too disturbing.

I will most likely upgrade to premium, in the hopes I can make a few cents from wordpress. I believe it works by people clicking on advertising associated with my site?

I’m not an impressive blogger. My blog posts are really short. But I do this largely to increase my ability to write, so hopefully I can write a book and make a few dollars.

My first book would be about ethics. Personally, I am an Orthodox Christian, but I support asian religions, such as taoism and buddhism. But before my conversion to Orthodoxy, I was a protestant.

Life can be a nightmare for most of us, so I understand if people want to pleasure themselves with innocent things like junkfood, coffee, chocolate, vanity, and warm showers. I sympathise with people who need more intense kicks, such as porn, street drugs, risky sex, alcohol, cigarettes and gambling, as in this life, it feels as though God has left society.

My advice to mentally ill people like me is: practice mindfulness, limit the amount of risky pleasures you engage in, try eating one healthy thing a day, get enough sleep, take one day at a time, God appreciates your efforts. Life is beautiful on the correct dose of medications.

My advice to husbands is: love and cherish your wives. Look after them. I wouldn’t throw out my pets, so why should we forsake the wife of our youth?

Life is difficult, God seems to be unable to understand mental illness, but there is hope, maybe you can write a book, and teach me how to make money lol.