No, my website is not successful

I have nothing to market, nothing to offer. I wish I had a skill, but my skill is being disabled. I do pray a lot, but anybody can utter words to God.

I pray for the souls of the dead, that they may rest in peace. I hope, in my effort and kindness, that I may be shown mercy and kindness on that great and fearful day of judgement.

I try to do God’s will, but I stumble so many times. I am bruised from my stumblings. I didn’t go to church tonight. It was raining heavily, and I had a nap after coming home with dinner, because I didn’t have any caffeine.

I wish grace, mercy and peace for everybody in my qq friend list. If you are reading this blog, I pray you have good mental health, all the days of your life.

2 days before my depot

My thoughts are slightly accelerated, as I am feeling quite fast due to my medication departing from my system.

Life is still as boring as ever, but I still find things to do.

I still wish I could of made a name for myself, but I guess it was not my destiny to do so.

I preach and practise humility, or at least my version of it. Some may call it self-deprecation. But I don’t mind when people tell me to be more positive. It further teaches me humility.

I wish my pills made me lose weight instead of keep the weight that I already have. It is very difficult to burn any fat while on the medication.

Well, that’s it for me. God bless you all.

Life is dismal part 2

I went out with my support worker and read ‘God is good for you’ by Greg Sheridan. I read one of the chapters which talk about the Pentecostal movement in Melbourne. I thought the female youth pastor was secretly narcissistic. Nobody is a true pastor, not even in the Orthodox Church.

Shout out to that person who rang me and told me she viewed my blog. I’m grateful somebody cares.

One day I may delete my blog. It was a financial flop. I only spent 120 dollars on it, but it was still a waste.

Life is not so much a nightmare as much as it is boring. Then again, when your negative thoughts attack you so much when you are doing nothing, boredom can be a nightmare.

Day after Boxing Day

I just had a wonderful time playing empire earth 1. It is a fun game, if you like old classics.

My boxing day was uneventful. Got to pat my uncle’s dog, which kept jumping up on its hind legs to receive a pat. Beautiful dog.

I guess I am pretty bored. I do not know where to go in life.

I try to do exercise everyday, at least stretches and qi gong. But otherwise, I’m an ambitionless person.

I suppose I do not even get around to writing diary entries. My life has nothing radical about it. It’s not like I’m a philosopher selling books.

My main attribute is passive gentleness, which is not practical for this world. I certainly can restrain my anger while on medication. But otherwise, it gets bottled up until it gets expressed. Maybe I can meditate my anger away.

Omicron variant is raging in this city. I hope the vaccine does protect against it. If not, then quarantine for me! I suppose 7 days at home would be like a mandatory detention.

Sometimes it is good to just vent

Yes, I do complain a lot about my life on this blog. Possibly because I have nothing to say.

I talk about humility, but nobody wants to buy humility anymore, or see a real example of it.

So yeah, my blog is pretty boring.

I miss the days when I used to have something to do everyday, like before I took anti-psychotic medication. I miss the times when I was actually fit and could do a lot of things. My current life is very insulting to my ego and pride, as I just hang around other people with mental illness.

If I could choose to be mentally ill or not, I’d choose to be well, because I would of learnt humility from my fasting and goodness of character. I do not think mental illness could of accelerated my development, instead it would of hindered it by slowing me down.

Most of the meds make you pack on weight. Fasting is critical to a moral lifestyle. As Jesus said ‘this demon cometh not out except by prayer and fasting.’ So fasting is very critical for us to push out the sins from our heart. And it is near impossible to fast while taking meds that cause weight gain. They just make you eat and eat and eat.

I feel that when I go to the GP next Wednesday, I will weigh at least 121kg. I hope I don’t have a heart attack.

My small pleasures

As much as I want to attain enlightenment, I do tend to waste my time. Some of my pleasures include computer gaming, YouTube, WordPress, qi gong, gentle stretches, piano playing, and going to the library to read books I purchased from the St Vincent de Paul society.

The computer games I play include Farm Dream; Village Harvest, War Planet Online Global Conquest, Civilisation 4 mods, Borderlands 1 and 2, Starcraft 2, Empire Earth 1, Unreal Tournament 2004, Civilisation 5, Civilisation 3, and Eschalon 1 and 2.

So yeah, I have quite a lot of entertainment, but honestly; I never find peace. I do practice mindfulness once a day on YouTube, it gives me a little respite. Basically I have a foggy head usually from medication and psychosis that never goes away. The psychosis is managed, but the effects of it are still there, apart from the lack of function associated with psychosis.

I am fairly disabled, but I would say I’m moderate functioning. I am not intellectually impaired, but I’m not a full time worker either. High functioning people are the people who have jobs, drive cars, and get married. Low functioning are the autistics that rock their heads back and forth, with inability to communicate properly. As you see here, I can communicate fairly well.

I just wish I had more discipline in my life. I am not a very disciplined person. I do things when I feel like doing them. Depends on how tired I am on the day.

My birthday

Dear WordPress. This morning is a good morning. I am sort of forgiving my enemies. My medication seems to be doing its job.

I had a birthday celebration on the 25th of September, as my birthday is on the 27th of September. It was fun for a brief moment of my existence. I just wish I had the capacity to achieve theosis.

Life is either boring or a nightmare. For me, it is more boring, as my medication is finally working.

It is the school holidays now. Maybe after art therapy I will spend time in the library reading my books. Wish me luck! God bless you all.

Diary entries 24/3/21 to 26/3/21

24/3/21

I’m glad I do donate to charity every now and then. Gives something for my money to do. I went with my support worker to the library and read the book titled ‘God is good for you.’ It said that Christians give 4 times as much to charity as non-religious people do. Makes me glad I fear God and the coming judgement.

25/3/21

Hold it together, James. You have got so much to live for. You must avoid death at all costs, for when you die, then the torments start. I doubt I will ever see paradise. Only the Saints get into heaven. You tried, you tried, you were not found worthy. Just stay in the community without consuming valuable hospital resources which could be allocated to someone more valuable than yourself.

26/3/21

Today was a better day than yesterday. I was praised by my friends at an English conversation group. They said I was a really good person.

The English conversation group is off for 3 weeks due to school holidays. Hope the teachers have a nice break.

Love one another. This is the great commandment from Jesus Christ. For if I don’t love others, how can I love God?

Diary entries 15/03/21 to 21/03/21

I do edit these diary entries, so that anything unsuitable or truly embarrassing and shameful is taken out. I do live a boring life, really.

15/03/21

The fact that nobody cares is the coldest thing I will ever know. I really should be caring about others, including my enemies, but I hardly do. This is my greatest torment. This is the eternity in darkness. Perhaps I have been to hell already, during a previous incarnation, which explains why I have such a big fear of hell.

18/03/21

The weather is still taking its time to get nicely cool, even though it is half way through March. I went to the library today to read a boring book. I read a star wars book from the St Vincent de Paul Op shop. I think I read the whole book of 1st Corinthians today (again).

I wish I could speak 2 languages fluently. My mom never taught me how to speak Russian, even though she is Russian. Maybe Russian people are hardly worth knowing.

Where is my honour and glory? I guess peace with God is it’s own reward. Maybe I will find peace soon.

21/03/21

What is the point of studying? What is the point of goal-related activity? I feel that society should focus on repenting than on achieving more pleasure in the flesh. I wish the world would repent….

I miss the times when I actually enjoyed life….

If I tried to write about not being mentally ill, I would have very little clue how to do it; and if I did write about it, it would sound too fake. Sigh, what shall I do with my life?

I’d just say play it safe. I have a lot of regrets about the foolish and evil things I’ve said to others in the past. They were usually people much tougher than me, and I’m glad I didn’t end up in the emergency department with broken bones!

Sigh, life. If I could write a book about my life, I would. That is if I could write a book about anything.

I am sort of getting behind in my life of online blogging. My blog on WordPress and my YouTube channel are of low, unenhanced quality, so I get very few views, and even less subscribers. To start making money from advertising on YouTube, you need 1000 subscribers and 4000 hours worth of viewing time in the last year. That is the algorithm that calculates whether your channel is worth watching or not.

I don’t even know how the paid advertising works on WordPress. I only serve like 100 ads to my viewers per month, and I get 0 dollars to my PayPal. Guess 100 views a month is too small.

But now that I’m not manic, do I actually enjoy anything? I wouldn’t say I enjoy computer games. I just play them to not be too tormented by boredom. It is a struggle to get to and from church, let alone stand for the English Divine Liturgy in the Greek Orthodox Church which goes for 75 minutes, roughly.

I would do a martial art class, but I run out of energy just walking to the venue where it is held. I must lack Chi energy. Chi as in Qi Gong energy.

The more I vegetate on my bed, the weaker and weaker my muscles become. I have moderate function, I wouldn’t call myself a high functioning autistic, as I can neither work nor drive a car. I am afraid of my own shadow.

If I wrote a song about how I feel, the chorus would go ‘nobody cares…’ Oh well, better luck for me next reincarnation….