My birthday

Dear WordPress. This morning is a good morning. I am sort of forgiving my enemies. My medication seems to be doing its job.

I had a birthday celebration on the 25th of September, as my birthday is on the 27th of September. It was fun for a brief moment of my existence. I just wish I had the capacity to achieve theosis.

Life is either boring or a nightmare. For me, it is more boring, as my medication is finally working.

It is the school holidays now. Maybe after art therapy I will spend time in the library reading my books. Wish me luck! God bless you all.

Diary entries 24/3/21 to 26/3/21

24/3/21

I’m glad I do donate to charity every now and then. Gives something for my money to do. I went with my support worker to the library and read the book titled ‘God is good for you.’ It said that Christians give 4 times as much to charity as non-religious people do. Makes me glad I fear God and the coming judgement.

25/3/21

Hold it together, James. You have got so much to live for. You must avoid death at all costs, for when you die, then the torments start. I doubt I will ever see paradise. Only the Saints get into heaven. You tried, you tried, you were not found worthy. Just stay in the community without consuming valuable hospital resources which could be allocated to someone more valuable than yourself.

26/3/21

Today was a better day than yesterday. I was praised by my friends at an English conversation group. They said I was a really good person.

The English conversation group is off for 3 weeks due to school holidays. Hope the teachers have a nice break.

Love one another. This is the great commandment from Jesus Christ. For if I don’t love others, how can I love God?

Diary entries 15/03/21 to 21/03/21

I do edit these diary entries, so that anything unsuitable or truly embarrassing and shameful is taken out. I do live a boring life, really.

15/03/21

The fact that nobody cares is the coldest thing I will ever know. I really should be caring about others, including my enemies, but I hardly do. This is my greatest torment. This is the eternity in darkness. Perhaps I have been to hell already, during a previous incarnation, which explains why I have such a big fear of hell.

18/03/21

The weather is still taking its time to get nicely cool, even though it is half way through March. I went to the library today to read a boring book. I read a star wars book from the St Vincent de Paul Op shop. I think I read the whole book of 1st Corinthians today (again).

I wish I could speak 2 languages fluently. My mom never taught me how to speak Russian, even though she is Russian. Maybe Russian people are hardly worth knowing.

Where is my honour and glory? I guess peace with God is it’s own reward. Maybe I will find peace soon.

21/03/21

What is the point of studying? What is the point of goal-related activity? I feel that society should focus on repenting than on achieving more pleasure in the flesh. I wish the world would repent….

I miss the times when I actually enjoyed life….

If I tried to write about not being mentally ill, I would have very little clue how to do it; and if I did write about it, it would sound too fake. Sigh, what shall I do with my life?

I’d just say play it safe. I have a lot of regrets about the foolish and evil things I’ve said to others in the past. They were usually people much tougher than me, and I’m glad I didn’t end up in the emergency department with broken bones!

Sigh, life. If I could write a book about my life, I would. That is if I could write a book about anything.

I am sort of getting behind in my life of online blogging. My blog on WordPress and my YouTube channel are of low, unenhanced quality, so I get very few views, and even less subscribers. To start making money from advertising on YouTube, you need 1000 subscribers and 4000 hours worth of viewing time in the last year. That is the algorithm that calculates whether your channel is worth watching or not.

I don’t even know how the paid advertising works on WordPress. I only serve like 100 ads to my viewers per month, and I get 0 dollars to my PayPal. Guess 100 views a month is too small.

But now that I’m not manic, do I actually enjoy anything? I wouldn’t say I enjoy computer games. I just play them to not be too tormented by boredom. It is a struggle to get to and from church, let alone stand for the English Divine Liturgy in the Greek Orthodox Church which goes for 75 minutes, roughly.

I would do a martial art class, but I run out of energy just walking to the venue where it is held. I must lack Chi energy. Chi as in Qi Gong energy.

The more I vegetate on my bed, the weaker and weaker my muscles become. I have moderate function, I wouldn’t call myself a high functioning autistic, as I can neither work nor drive a car. I am afraid of my own shadow.

If I wrote a song about how I feel, the chorus would go ‘nobody cares…’ Oh well, better luck for me next reincarnation….