My small pleasures

As much as I want to attain enlightenment, I do tend to waste my time. Some of my pleasures include computer gaming, YouTube, WordPress, qi gong, gentle stretches, piano playing, and going to the library to read books I purchased from the St Vincent de Paul society.

The computer games I play include Farm Dream; Village Harvest, War Planet Online Global Conquest, Civilisation 4 mods, Borderlands 1 and 2, Starcraft 2, Empire Earth 1, Unreal Tournament 2004, Civilisation 5, Civilisation 3, and Eschalon 1 and 2.

So yeah, I have quite a lot of entertainment, but honestly; I never find peace. I do practice mindfulness once a day on YouTube, it gives me a little respite. Basically I have a foggy head usually from medication and psychosis that never goes away. The psychosis is managed, but the effects of it are still there, apart from the lack of function associated with psychosis.

I am fairly disabled, but I would say I’m moderate functioning. I am not intellectually impaired, but I’m not a full time worker either. High functioning people are the people who have jobs, drive cars, and get married. Low functioning are the autistics that rock their heads back and forth, with inability to communicate properly. As you see here, I can communicate fairly well.

I just wish I had more discipline in my life. I am not a very disciplined person. I do things when I feel like doing them. Depends on how tired I am on the day.

The Piano

This is me playing the piano very poorly. The circuits in my brain have been corroded by overmedicating. I sincerely wish that nobody would have to take anti-psychotics long term. Anti-depressants may be ok for a few years, but then a person should get back on their feet and live their life. I haven’t taken drugs, alcohol or cigarettes, but yet I caught schizoaffective disorder at 16 years old. Something must of gone very wrong with my thinking.

Schizoaffective disorder means schizophrenia with a mood component. Or otherwise known as half schizophrenia, half bipolar mood disorder. The best of both worlds. So it is a nightmare to have, and sometimes, I try to loosen up, with disastrous consequences. Basically, when you are in the ‘schizo’ classification of disorders, you can not be yourself around anybody, unless you want to make a fool of yourself or be reported to the police. You always got to think before you speak. It is a huge cross.

Oh well, maybe reincarnation is true and I will get a better rebirth in the next life. But I’m not certain about Buddhist theology. I believe in this life, then heaven or hell.

Labour Day 2021

I can’t believe I’m still alive. I swore I’d die before I was 18 years old, but I lived to 31 years old. I swore to myself like that because I was severely mentally ill, and I didn’t receive shock therapy yet. Shock therapy really helped my treatment-resistant psychosis.

Anyway, today was labour day, so I decided to try using public transport, to see how frequently the buses ran on a public holiday. Practically nobody was on the buses going into the city.

Anyway, I got out and had a walk around kangaroo point cliffs. I always wanted to own a home there, to always be able to look out upon the Brisbane city river. That dream will most likely never come to pass, but while I was there, I managed to take a few photos of the river and sent them to my mom.

While I was there, I did something brave. There was an Asian couple sitting across from me at Kangaroo Point. I could hear what they were saying. They were speaking Japanese! I had learnt that language at high school. So I, being socially awkward, once I got the courage to speak to them, I asked them if they liked music, because there was a loud concert going on across the river. The lady answered and said ‘yes, I do.’ Then I said, ‘which city are you from in Japan?’ She said ‘Yokohama.’ I said ‘What is your name?’ She said ‘Aya.’ Then there was a silence, they began speaking to each other, so I walked off.

The Japanese, if you are language buffs, goes something like this.  僕は’音楽が好きですか?’と言いました。 あやは’はい’と言いました。 僕は’日本ではどんな町から来ましたか。’と言いました。 あやは’横浜。’と言いました。 僕は’お名前は何ですか、’と言いました。 あやは’あやです。’

I commended myself for being brave enough to talk to a stranger, as I remember when I talked to too many strangers 10 years ago when I was mentally unwell, and I was ashamed of my behaviour.

Anyway, I’m not good at finding topics to talk about. Better luck next time for me.