15/6/22 The temperature is perfect

This night is warmer than other nights that I’ve experienced during this winter. My parents didn’t turn on the air conditioner for heating. I sure don’t miss summer, even though summer is inevitable.

I remember playing Eschalon book 2 during last winter. It was so great to walk through the hellice region on the game during winter, it really set the tone for how cold things are in the hellice region on the game. Hellice as in ‘hell-ice.’

I always imagined hell to be too hot, but it can simultaneously be too hot and too cold at the same time. It would definitely be pretty uncomfortable. That’s why I give to charity, as I believe almsgiving atones for sins.

I didn’t give alms to the druggy at the shopping mall who was asking for money. I thought he would buy drugs. So I didn’t extend alms to him. I better give some money to charity. God bless other people.

Dr Lovely

My friend keeps calling me Dr Lovely because I keep yelling out the pen fifteen word all the time in my street. I can’t say the actual word, as I will have my account closed.

I diagnose this world with mental illness, and a great deal of anger. I just hope suicides are kept to a minimum worldwide.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. Thus quoted Stalin. But God sees the value in every human life. That’s why He loves everybody, sinner and Saint, angel and demon. Hell is only in our minds. But it also is in our minds after death. And I feel, once we die, we can’t change our minds. I don’t know, just a feeling.

Central heating

My parents turned on the air conditioner. For heating! I mean, isn’t an air conditioner meant to cool the place down during the heat of summer? I always have my air conditioner on for cooling during the hot months, which last from about October to April in my city. I never turn on the air conditioner in my bedroom for heating during winter. I just put on more blankets.

But yeah, I am pretty cringe. I try to talk, when I’m not full of stuff that people want to know about. Death and eternal life? Nah, not for me. Eternity of torment? Who cares? That’s what people of the world say.

If people took the admonitions of the Lord Jesus Christ seriously, imagine how many people would be afraid of hell today! How many people would live life in fear of God! But everybody treats hell as fallacies and paper lanterns, until they die, of course. Then the pain and torment starts…

Calm the raging storm

It was too crowded at the shopping mall today! I really wish I had stayed home. My narcissism flared up, all because of reasons that are too embarrassing to mention.

I get angry over insignificant things. Social rejection is ok, it saves me from having to know the other person, who might be bad natured, after all!

I must develop more humility with regards to being unpopular. Well, not unpopular, but ignored and shunned. I don’t make new friends easily, as I am too depressing.

I don’t think I can make a new friend, as I am not upbeat. Sometimes, I wish I had cool things to say. Maybe if I put my head up my behind, I’ll act cool. LOL.

Whatever happens, I shouldn’t say the first thing that comes to my mind. I should always ask about that other person, rather than say how boring my life is.

I wish I had a brain that knew which topics to talk about….

I apologize for consuming resources

I apologize for taking the disability support pension instead of working and paying taxes. I apologize for making excuses as to why I can not work.

I apologize for talking to females. I know I am a sub 5 man, so I am a great burden on society, and I have no place in a girl’s life.

I apologize to all my friends who I have offended. I pray you may all forgive me.

I apologize to God, because I have been unable to love You with my whole heart, and my neighbour, made in Your image, as myself.

I apologize for consuming resources. I have no place in society.

10 days after my depot

I feel depressed. It is 4:30am in the morning and the morning is very chilly here in Australia.

I worry that the world will escalate into a global war, due to the lack of humility of a few of the most powerful countries’ leaders.

I try to be humble, but sometimes, I want to lash out.

I pray for Australia, and other countries as well, that there may not be a global conflict.

But God is closing the gate of mercy on all of us, and we may well yet see the fruit of our sins….

The James Lovely Joker

Ok. Today my father said that I naturally had a menacing look on my face, so he said I should paint my face as the joker. Very funny dad. I just pray I have the humility in life to endure the bad times and NOT become a joker.

It’s just a state of mind

I pray mercy for all my family, friends and enemies. I pray especially for those I have not perfectly forgiven. I pray they have peace and joy, both here and in the next life.

I don’t understand how some people enjoy life, while I am semi-miserable, and require constant medicating to be able to cope with life.

Maybe some happy people can not understand how some people can have schizophrenia.

When you are born, you become eternal. Death is not the end. We exist for eternity. We all have a beginning, yet we live forever, in a place of joy, or in a place of pain. I pray nobody goes to hell.

Eternity

Eternity, the book ! by Leonard Dupond is licensed under CC-BY-NC-ND 4.0

I thought this would be a good picture. I found it by typing ‘eternity’ into openverse.

I wish technology was more advanced. Where we had hyperdrives, FTL tech, and a cure for schizophrenia. Where we colonised other planets in other solar systems, and maybe even build superstructures in space. Maybe that shall be left for lifetimes far far into the future.

Still, when I play science fiction computer games, a sense of joy and wonder permeates me. I hope I live to see improvements in medical science, where there are better treatments for my schizophrenia. God bless us all.

Before and after my diagnosis

From a young age, I knew something was wrong with me. I started having prodromal symptoms of schizophrenia from at least grade 5. That was back in 2000. Camps were nightmares back in 2000 and 2001. I would hallucinate the other children picking on me in school, even though they didn’t hate me. They hated me after I bullied them for imagined offenses against me. It was all my fault.

I was relating to my father that I hated the hokey pokey because it reminded me of the camps I hated in 2000 and 2001 that I went to because the students were forced to go on these camps back when I was in grade 5 and 6. Luckily I missed out camp in 2002 in grade 7, but only because I said my parents couldn’t afford it. My mum was upset when I said that I said that to the teacher. She didn’t like the teachers thinking my family was disadvantaged.

We weren’t poor, I just didn’t want to go on camp, because I was hallucinating that the other kids were bullying me. But they weren’t, I just needed to of entered the mental health system at a young age.

I prefer the macarena, as it reminds me of the camp I had mania at back in 2005. I was grade 10 by then. The illness had changed from plain hallucinations to hallucinations and bipolar elements. But, even worse than hallucinating people abusing me in 2000 and 2001, in 2005 I hallucinated that people were praising me. That’s why the camps I went to in 2005 were heaven on earth. I went on 3 of those camps.

But by 2006 the voices started abusing me, they abused me so much that I had my first suicide attempt by overdosing on sleeping tablets. I was first put on medication in the kiddy’s mental hospital. But I only recovered down the line when I had shock therapy. The psychiatrists of the child mental hospital didn’t even give me shock therapy when I badly needed it!

I knew things were wrong with me. In 2003 in grade 8 I was doing rowing and tennis. By 2004 in grade 9 I was on holiday with my parents up in north Queensland, where I made a promise to kill myself before my 18th birthday! Fancy that! Being on holiday and plotting suicide! I really didn’t want to live to see the future of the world, and even more my own future.

So my illness went in cycles. 2000 and 2001 I was depressed, 2002 and 2003 I was manic, 2004 I was depressed, 2005 I was manic, then 2006 I finally got some sort of treatment. Life is horrible with untreated mental illness. I don’t understand why I didn’t go into hospital in 2008 when I was an adult to get shock therapy. Guess lack of insight is the way the illness goes….

Oh, before I close this article, I remember I was attracted to a lady in grade 12 on the camp in 2005 during the winter in Brisbane. The camp was at Queensland Camping and Conference Centre Mapleton. She put her head on my shoulder in the meeting hall during the last day of the camp. Nobody kissed others on the camp, even though some were in relationships with others at the camp.

So, I was 16 on that camp in 2005, since I was kept down, I should of been in grade 11, so she wasn’t kept down, so, all things considered, she would of been 1 year older than me. So she’d be 34 by now, as I’ll be 33 this year. She probably had a child by now. She probably is happily married to someone else.

I would go on a camp with people my age, just the problem is, most of the ladies would be married, so I couldn’t hug them and be close to them, as a 34 yo lady’s husband would kill me. Such is the struggle of being a leftover man. Not that I am marriage material. I have no job, I live on a pension, I can’t drive, I am 3 out of 10 in looks, even when I was skinny I would only be a 5 out of 10 guy. So yeah, women are very happy when I practise celibacy and don’t bother them. lol