I’m afraid of Stacy’s

Last time I was at social tennis, the receptionist smiled at me. She was drop-dead gorgeous. She is what the incels call a Stacy.

So I am avoiding social tennis tonight, because she smiled at a sub-five like myself. The normal behaviour of Stacy’s towards me is disgust and contempt. But her smile violates the laws of physics! I have to stay home and recover.

She is tall, and a bit young for me, too. Plus I’m not a Chad. I’m a sub-five. I’m also worried I may break wind on the tennis court, as I had a Katsudon for dinner.

Sim City 4: Deluxe Edition

Man, I don’t even know the title of my own games! I downloaded this one from GOG games about a year ago. It took me a while to learn how to successfully win the game. Well, it isn’t winning the game, it is continuous play. The idea is to generate more money than it takes to maintain the city.

This city has about 9000 people living in it. It generates about 900 extra dollars a month over its expenses. So I am pretty happy. I am not a particularly good player at this game. I have not watched YouTube tutorials on how to play this game. But I sort of enjoy it nonetheless. It is like a disciplinary game for me, like reading the Bible.

I’m a vcel, not an incel

Whenever I look up YouTube videos about Incels, I just laugh. Incel stands for involuntarily celibate, and they are very misogynistic. I always feel that they could find a relationship if they worked on their kindness levels and stopped being so bitter towards attractive women.

Personally, I don’t look at myself as an incel, but more a vcel, which I say is ‘voluntarily celibate.’ I don’t practice celibacy like a monk, but I just don’t approach women. And with good reason too. I have nothing to offer women. I have no substance to my character. I’m just a schizophrenic on a pension.

I can not make my own money, I can not drive a car, I am scared of calling emergency services. I am not brave enough to fight to protect my future girlfriend. I know all these things based on my first and only relationship. I was wasting her time.

I am not an incel, because I don’t hate women, as far as I’m aware. I bless women and men, especially people who scorn me. I accept the abuse of others, usually.

God bless all people.

I wish I had a title

My cousin and her family are over my place. They are a little loud, as my cousin’s children are very young.

We fed them pizza. They enjoyed the pizza. Gosh my sentences are short.

I wish I had a topic or a title today. I had no dreams last night that I remember or recall. So I received no divine insight or revelation.

When I encounter children, I really am thankful that I didn’t marry or have kids. Marriage and raising a family is just too stressful.

I miss the gift of the Holy Spirit. I mean, I miss when I had self-controlled mania. The last time I had that was in 2005. I lost my mind in February 2006. I personally wished my mania would never of ended. I thought of myself as ‘single for the sake of pleasing God.’ Now I realise I’m too ill to marry.

I miss my soul. I have an idea of what will happen to my soul after death. As Jesus said ‘be ye perfect, as your Father in heaven is perfect.’ I am not perfect. I can not love my enemies. But I’m getting better, with mindfulness meditation.

My cat Jerry

This is a huge pic of my cat Jerry. I always call this cat the cute rat. In reality, she is a very cute female cat. She sometimes acts like a kitten. She never wants to be picked up, she often squirms when she is picked up. I adore this cat. I wish she was more affectionate.

God bless the indo-pacific region

I pray there is no war in the Indo-pacific region. I know some of the countries squabble amongst each other, but there should be no reason for a war. I pray China may co-operate with neighbouring powers to achieve equitable outcomes for all.

I just hope my friends in China, Philippines and Australia have a good life, both here and hereafter. I can’t imagine my country surviving a war with any power. We are not as strong as our military likes to think. China may ruthlessly crush us one day, unless I pray daily for world peace.

Life is a nightmare. I hope the ruling elite may not destroy this world for the sake of their egos. I hope WW3 is not coming. I hope the nukes may not be set off. I pray the Lord Jesus Christ uses His creative energies to move the leaders of all nations to compassion.

I can barely function as a human being. What if my Disability Pension gets cut? What if my house is destroyed? What if my parents die of sickness and old age? I will die in the streets. I pray that my humility has protected my future.

I pray my friends may always have a source of income. I pray Australia doesn’t become a war-ravaged country like Ukraine.

I had a bad dream last night. I dreamt of trying to fish someone out of hell. I was too late! The unknown person had already gone to the depths of hell, I could not reach in to find him!

I entered a red portal to go to hell. I wasn’t in the lava, I was on a bridge over the lava. The person wasn’t on the bridge, he already had been dragged under. Then my commander went to hell. He sent me to hell too, as he revealed he too, was a Lord of hell. As if my problems weren’t big enough. But I eventually fell into the lava. I could not swim down, the pain was excruciating. My prayers weren’t strong.

Lord, please don’t kill us all! I know we have crucified Your Son over and over in our hearts, but please! Hold out Your mercy to the world, so a few may repent!

Give rest, oh God

Russian Orthodox Crosses by Keith Evans is licensed under CC-BY-SA 2.0

As the priest of the Russian Orthodox Church chanted at the Panahida of my dead grandma ‘Give rest, oh God, to thy servant who has fallen asleep,’ so we too remember the fall of our loved ones.

At a typical Orthodox cemetery, we will have an Orthodox Cross at each gravesite. The first horizontal bar is where the sign ‘King of the Jews’ was written in Hebrew, Greek and Latin. The second horizontal bar is where His hands were nailed. The third bar is where His feet were nailed.

In the Orthodox church, we don’t believe in Cremation, as we believe in the resurrection of the soul and the body. I don’t know much about the specifics. Sometimes I want to go back to the protestant churches, but when I wake up in the morning, God renews my energy and I feel ok to continue walking an Orthodox life.

I must admit, I joined the Orthodox church for a reason. I also should stay in the Orthodox church so I can be buried alongside my mother’s relatives. My mom is Russian Orthodox.

As much as I am tempted to meet Koreans at the Korean Presbyterian Church, I’d prefer to stay Orthodox, as the Korean women would just insult me, due to my disabilities. If I wanted to meet Asian women, I can go to the Russian Orthodox Churches in my city.

Give rest, oh saviour God, to thy servants who have fallen asleep.

It takes a long time

It takes a long time to cultivate any sort of humility. But, as our conscience bears witness, we should have humility in all situations. As God is supremely humble, so we too, should be humble, at least in a minor degree.

I’m getting over the traumas of old, but sometimes, the memories of the bad things I’ve done is too much for me. As I always say ‘better he who has never sinned than he who has sinned and repented.’

I committed many embarrassing things when I was not taking medication. How did I not know that I was schizophrenic and direly afflicted? Now, I’m beginning to cultivate a shred of humility.

I wish life was laid out for me like a red carpet. But then, how would I develop as an individual? How would I make progress, that I could offer to God, as a living sacrifice?

I can barely stand up on my own two feet. Yet somehow, through medication and God’s grace, I manage to cope, with the help of my parents.

Even though I need medication, I miss the days before I had to take medication. Before 16 years old, I never knew what medication was. I never knew the side effects it would have on my body. I sincerely wished I had enough positive philosophy to cope without medication.

Maybe, in a different reality, there is a me that copes without medication. Maybe, in a parallel universe, I am working a job. Maybe I am younger. Maybe I’m more handsome. But not in this reality.

Beautiful images

Yay! I managed to use something else apart from google image search to find an image for my blog. I used something within WordPress itself to find this lovely picture of Earth from outer space.

Sunrise On Planet Earth by NASA Johnson is licensed under CC-BY-NC 2.0

As much as we feel our life on Earth is a very big deal, we are only tiny compared to the universe. We are only a single person on a massive ball of rock in a solar system that is only one of hundreds of thousands of solar systems in this galaxy. And we still think our problems are very large!

Likewise, our lifetime of sins is only a drop in the ocean (or universe) of God’s infinite love. We don’t get punished by God, we punish ourselves. The love that God shows us ashames us, and makes us want to run from the God who loves us.

I don’t know how to explain it well. I try my best not to force my beliefs down anybody’s throats. I hope people can forgive me for being too dogmatic at times.

This photo reminds me that God is amazing.

A farming game

I think this is called Farm Dream: Village Harvest. It’s a nice alternative to Farmville. I usually play this game several times a day. It takes a long time for anything to get done. But that is a farming game for you.

I renewed my premium subscription last night. Now, it is morning, and I have an unwanted cat in the computer room. He usually marks his territory too much, due to stress caused by the other cats. God bless him.

I am glad now he is only grooming himself, not marking his territory. But his licking sounds a lot like peeing.