Solipsism is a complex belief I don’t know much about. But basically, I am sometimes a solipsist, because I believe that, as my inner reality is, so is my outer reality.
I believe, because I violated my vow of celibacy to God when I became mentally ill, I have been living in a form of hell. But to escape hell, I must endure every bad thing with all humility, thanking God for the trial.
I read about a monk and a nun in the Carmelite order who got married. I was so happy for them. I’d love to marry a nun. But I’m just plain ugly, so nobody wants to marry me.
As David Goggins once said, nobody is coming to save me.
‘Jesus is asking a bit much,’ St Mother Teresa, on her deathbed.
Dear Risen Lord Jesus Christ
I didn’t do your will. I didn’t bless you as God. Now I’m in hell, suffering for my sins. No, I am not dead, but your mercy torments me, as I can not reach my grandma, nor the others who have died.
Maybe I will get some relief, when I am in the actual hell. I will see some of the people I’ve loved, who weren’t good enough for You. I prayed everyday for my family, and my dead relatives Only to find out that, my prayers were offensive to you.
I wish I could of done your will. I wish I could of been holy. But my righteousness was never enough. I didn’t go enough times to church. I didn’t pray enough. I didn’t fast enough. My mental illness kept me back from wholeheartedly following your will.
I’m in hell, and I say ‘thank you God.’ Your will is done, both in heaven and in hell.
Just kidding. I don’t know how to answer it correctly. I suppose it gives me something to do. Though only a few people care about my opinions.
Well, I started off things irreverently because it is like when my support worker asks me a boring rhetorical question: ‘what you doing this weekend?’ Then, without thinking, I reply ‘having sex,’ which is ironic because it is something I’ve never done, and most likely never will do. BECAUSE I’M ASIAN OOOOHHHHHH!
Well, I did some exercise to make myself feel better. It was gentle stretching and tai chi, with some push ups. It reminded me a lot of how I was abused frequently in martial arts classes. Those instructors had a lot of negative energy.
So when I tried to do a mindfulness meditation afterwards, I was thinking back to the trauma in my life and shouting at the walls, when I was supposed to be meditating! But I will go back and try again later tonight.
I shout at the walls, because that is a symptom of my psychosis. I relive the trauma of what happened in the past. Yes, I know I can’t change the past, and I know I have to forgive, but even though I’ve forgiven, the memories still traumatize me.
I do believe in the law of attraction, because I’m not a very faithful Christian. I believe that our thoughts influence our reality.
I do try to be especially nice to others, as I believe it will give my soul relief in the eternal fire.
I can not fathom the reality of hell, or its eternity. How the pain lasts forever.
Jesus said ‘forgive, and you shall be forgiven.’ So I am using law of attraction and mindfulness meditations to remind myself to always forgive.
With memories floating through my mind, forgiveness is not a one-time event, but a continual process. At other days, I’ll be better at forgiving. Other times, worse. But nonetheless, I must continue fighting to save my soul.