I think when I was 60kg at 15 years old, I would still spar pretty badly. I’m the fat one in this video, weighing maybe 120kg at the time, due to weight gain side-effects of the anti-psychotic medication. Fortunately, I’m losing weight at about half a kilogram a month.
Well, as you can see, I’m no tough guy. When me and my friend were the victim of a road rage incident, we just hid in our car. I am not able to confront anybody, due to my extreme cowardice. I am not a police officer.
My sparring technique is pretty bad, slow blocks, inflexible kicks, low energy. It is due to my disabilities, such as autism, and probably other brain damage from ongoing psychosis.
I do edit these diary entries, so that anything unsuitable or truly embarrassing and shameful is taken out. I do live a boring life, really.
The fact that nobody cares is the coldest thing I will ever know. I really should be caring about others, including my enemies, but I hardly do. This is my greatest torment. This is the eternity in darkness. Perhaps I have been to hell already, during a previous incarnation, which explains why I have such a big fear of hell.
The weather is still taking its time to get nicely cool, even though it is half way through March. I went to the library today to read a boring book. I read a star wars book from the St Vincent de Paul Op shop. I think I read the whole book of 1st Corinthians today (again).
I wish I could speak 2 languages fluently. My mom never taught me how to speak Russian, even though she is Russian. Maybe Russian people are hardly worth knowing.
Where is my honour and glory? I guess peace with God is it’s own reward. Maybe I will find peace soon.
What is the point of studying? What is the point of goal-related activity? I feel that society should focus on repenting than on achieving more pleasure in the flesh. I wish the world would repent….
If I tried to write about not being mentally ill, I would have very little clue how to do it; and if I did write about it, it would sound too fake. Sigh, what shall I do with my life?
I’d just say play it safe. I have a lot of regrets about the foolish and evil things I’ve said to others in the past. They were usually people much tougher than me, and I’m glad I didn’t end up in the emergency department with broken bones!
Sigh, life. If I could write a book about my life, I would. That is if I could write a book about anything.
I am sort of getting behind in my life of online blogging. My blog on WordPress and my YouTube channel are of low, unenhanced quality, so I get very few views, and even less subscribers. To start making money from advertising on YouTube, you need 1000 subscribers and 4000 hours worth of viewing time in the last year. That is the algorithm that calculates whether your channel is worth watching or not.
I don’t even know how the paid advertising works on WordPress. I only serve like 100 ads to my viewers per month, and I get 0 dollars to my PayPal. Guess 100 views a month is too small.
But now that I’m not manic, do I actually enjoy anything? I wouldn’t say I enjoy computer games. I just play them to not be too tormented by boredom. It is a struggle to get to and from church, let alone stand for the English Divine Liturgy in the Greek Orthodox Church which goes for 75 minutes, roughly.
I would do a martial art class, but I run out of energy just walking to the venue where it is held. I must lack Chi energy. Chi as in Qi Gong energy.
The more I vegetate on my bed, the weaker and weaker my muscles become. I have moderate function, I wouldn’t call myself a high functioning autistic, as I can neither work nor drive a car. I am afraid of my own shadow.
If I wrote a song about how I feel, the chorus would go ‘nobody cares…’ Oh well, better luck for me next reincarnation….
I really need to have ambition, not a lack of it. The psychiatrist says that negative symptoms of schizophrenia include lack of drive and lack of enjoyment in activities one would usually find enjoyable. Well, maybe the good thing is that it keeps me from going manic. Not that I’m truly happy when manic. Being mentally ill is a dishonour I struggle to bear.
I kinda wonder, ‘is playing civilisation 4 all that there is for a mentally ill person? Is lying on the bed for a great deal of time looking at the ceiling a natural part of being mentally ill?’ I try and attribute my boredom due to a lack of activities in Brisbane City. That is untrue. I’m just not willing to try new things.
Ummm, yeah, so I have this disease, which one moment I’m too happy, the next moment I’m too sad. Instead of schizophrenia, I have, no, not bipolar mood disorder, but, yes! you guessed right the 2nd time! schizoaffective disorder! So it’s like psychotic bipolar mood disorder. Or whatever.
I think I won’t be a pastor. Or a priest. Because I don’t want to make my own converts. I feel uncomfortable talking to strangers in the street. I feel like Jesus really let me down by giving me mental illness, so I’m not over the moon happy for my life in Jesus Christ.
I did do an article where I said about going to Mapleton QCCC. But I was manic back then, due to not being on medication, yet. So, if I didn’t have a mood disorder, life would mostly be very boring.
I thought about becoming a martial arts grandmaster, but I’m too lazy to actually attend classes. Unless I’m manic. I thought about becoming a fake martial artist, but I don’t have enough of an imagination to make up a martial art.
Oh well, guess I’ll stay a disability support pensioner for the foreseeable future.
I have often asked myself, what would I like to do in life? What do I really wish for? Well, if you asked those questions now, I’d like to be a physically fit individual, who goes on church camps at Queensland Camping and Conference Centre Mapleton.
I remember the pond at QCCC Mapleton. I used to do kayaking there. It was so fun. I also liked the cabins there. They had good temperatures all year round (or at least, when I was 60kg back in 2005).
I remember this lecture hall. They’d give beautiful, uplifting sermons in this hall at QCCC Mapleton. I made a lot of friends here. But most of all, I liked competing in fitness challenges with other male campers.
In this video, I’m doing 16 push ups very poorly. But I’m surprised I can do push ups at my BMI. I can not do a chin up at my current BMI. My height is 180cm and my weight is 117kg, so my BMI is 36.1, otherwise in the moderately obese category.
But I miss being 60kg. When I was acutely psychotic in 2017, my weight dropped to 89kg but I gained it all back when I took olanzepine. But I think, on my current dose of medication, I’m losing 1kg a month. I’m on 150mg Invega Sustenna Depot injection.
But I suppose being the fastest, strongest, and fittest person on the camp was an ego boost for me. Especially if I wasn’t afraid of taking a punch. Or likely to vomit while doing 10 push ups. So I got to eat a meal a long time before doing a moderate exercise routine.
Sad thing is, I’m in the Orthodox church, and last I heard, they don’t really have camps, except for high school students. Guess I can always go on a tennis camp, huh?
I miss sparring with other campers at QCCC Mapleton in December 2005. That was so fun. I felt proud to take a punch to the face. But I think I’m too much of a sook to spar now.
In September 2005 at the Maxx 05 camp, some male campers were using the edge of the bed to do equivalent to handstand push ups. They had one hand on one bedpost and the other on the nearest other bed post, and they had their feet off the ground. Some guy could do 10 of those. Even when I was 60kg, I couldn’t even do one of those.
Hope I can go on a sport camp again one day, when we are all vaccinated against this horrible coronavirus.
Although I have taken the vaccine, I still want to live a life according to Christ’s precepts, to get me into paradise, or to take away punishments in hell. Life is troublesome, and people in society are feeling burnt out, due to overwork or lockdowns. Life is a nightmare for some suffering from severe mental health issues. I try to pray for them.
We must all pray for the salvation of the whole race of humanity. God is merciful, God can make things right all at once, even through a couple of thousand righteous people praying. We must think to ourselves ‘maybe God will show us mercy, and take away this plague from under our midst.’ God can save whosoever He wishes, too. So never think you are beyond salvation.
Our battle is in our mind, in our thoughts, in our imagination. Satan tends to make us fantasise about things, and we suffer the wounds of his vainglory. So concentrate on the breath, for say 1-5 seconds, or as long as you can, so you may not give an ear to his fantasies. Satan once imagined himself as equal to God, and from there he exited paradise.
Try to focus on the breath, maybe say a few prayers, praying in your own words. Always hope that God can take you out of your current reality and place you in a better situation and circumstance. God is the God of healing, the God of salvation. By Christ’s death on the cross, He reconciled the whole world to Himself, and from His pain, He sympathises with each and every one of our weaknesses.
If deep breathing doesn’t work, distract yourself. Do housework, take out the garbage, do the laundry, read a book. You have got a lot to live for. Christ has called you out of darkness into His army to do battle for Him, against your sinful inclinations, against the demons, and against your former self. Know you are getting stronger everyday.
Try to continue battling against your sinful addictions, knowing that each success brings you closer to righteousness. God blesses the righteous, and covers His servants with a shield. The battle for your soul is not over until God takes your soul to heaven. Let us stand well, let us stand in awe, and fear of God! Let us attend!
The snap 8 day lockdown is lifted for south-east QLD. Yay! Now I can go back to reading at the library and buying boss coffees!
I must apologize for the way I’ve behaved in the past. I was unable to get shock treatment for my mental illness before I was 18 years old. I was kept for very long amounts of time in the kiddies mental health unit when shock treatment could of cut my stays in half. It would of saved me a lot of embarrassing moments in my life too if I had shock therapy.
But I didn’t realise I was full blown mentally ill until my psychotic breakdown in 2017 when I pushed a male nurse. I was put on a treatment authority, which I am very glad they did. It obviously means I have some unresolved suppressed anger issues in the depths of my subconscious.
But with age comes limited humility. With social isolation and social rejection, I’ve come to accept my place in society, and the scorn and humiliation that comes with it. It teaches me the virtue of humility, which St John Climacus says in the ladder of divine ascent ‘without humility nobody shall enter the bridal chamber.’
I thank God for enemies. Bless my enemies, oh Lord. Bless them, and do not curse them, as the prayer by St Nicholai Velimirovich says for his enemies. God bless us all.
It’s almost the end of an 8 day lockdown for south-east Queensland. I hope everybody gets to go out and do what they love once this lockdown is over.
I took my first dose of Pfizer. Now, I did do an article saying I wouldn’t take the vaccine, but I changed my mind. I preferred a vaccine than getting sick with COVID.
But even though I disobeyed the old calendar movement, I still want to follow Christ, just not as strict as the old calendar zealots do. I think I’m still welcome amongst the new calendarists.
On another topic, if I were to go on a camp to Mapleton like I did in 2005, I would have to go on a non-religious camp, such as a tennis camp or mental health camp. Because I’m getting too old for Presbyterian university camps. I’d have no function there, as I do not have a good testimony about God. People look at me and say ‘You have schizophrenia. What good has obeying God ever done you?’
But I miss the camps in the past. I miss air cadets, tae kwon do, tai chi, and high school. But honestly, looking back, those activities were boring. I only liked them because mania acted as a screen blocking out my deep emotional pain. Well, at least I can make blogs now.
I do like to travel. But only for about 1 or 2 hours outside Brisbane by car, not going on the plane. Life stinks, but that is only because I’m not manic. I do get the opportunity to read the bible a lot. I’m reading the book of Exodus now.
Shout out to all my friends! I hope everybody does what they like! God bless! Amen.
Are my sins so great, that all of south-east Queensland must suffer? I have no justification for my sins. I do not know how I will get through the final toll-houses in the ascent of the soul to heaven. I ask God to have mercy on me, and on all those whom I pray for.
This would be the 3rd day of lockdown. Our governor decided to have an extension of this lockdown to contain the delta variant.
I really wish my prayers would be an offering acceptable to God. But my works are not enough. I’m begging God to have mercy on me, and on all those I know. But it is not enough, because I am vainglorious, and an angry person at heart.
I am praying that there be a little mercy shown to the Australian people. But I am not as St Paisios or St Porphyrios. I am an outcast from the kingdom.
Lord, be kind to us, particularly to the souls in hell!