I finally remember why I was in such a sour mood today. I had a bad dream last night! It was about being back in Tae Kwon Do again, where I was being put down by the instructor. I was also taking a bus back home for a long distance late at night. Reminds me of when I was manic while not taking enough medication!
Life sucks. My blog sucks. I never got good at martial arts or tennis. I can hardly do 5 to 10 push ups. Here is a video from YouTube of my poor performance at martial arts.
I did Tae Kwon Do for at least 9 months without stopping before my first breakdown. Now, I never go to any exercise except social tennis. The last competitor who played against me in social tennis said ‘we are both a bit rusty.’ So I never was good at tennis. Nor am I agile.
This screenshot is taken from a mod of Civilisation 4 Beyond the Sword called Caveman to Cosmos. I enjoy playing this mod most of all, there is so much variety of unit types. Currently, this game takes place in the Prehistoric Age, yet the military units are just so beautiful to watch.
I had my flu shot and injection of anti-psychotic yesterday. I slept a lot today. The body’s reaction to the flu shot is meant to make you really tired. I didn’t sleep early, but I did have a long nap after today’s activities.
Life isn’t so bad for a schizophrenic who is on medication without too many side effects. I’m getting slightly better at meditation. I am becoming a better person each day.
Look at me! I’m so strong yet so weak! I can’t carry anything more except my spartan armor that I spent 10 000 coins on to purchase!
Honestly, it is ok if you have light armor. That’s right, light. Emphasis on the word ‘light’. As in ‘not heavy.’ See, in a suit of heavy armor, your character can’t carry the armor while walking for kilometres in the land of Eschalon. Where’s the truck?
In the games terms, 10 000 gold coins is A LOT OF MONEY. Like, I probably played this playthrough for a total of 20 hours before I could afford armor that would prevent the high level opponents from hitting me every single time and doing damage. You run out of hit points, game over man.
Although the game is low quality, I play it anyway, because I can’t afford to spend real cash on decent games. LOL
Life is pretty dreary as usual. But at least, on the highest dose of medication, I am not hallucinating people making threats to me in the street, or having delusions that the police are gathering evidence to put me in prison. When you hallucinate all the time, it greatly reduces the quality of your life. It is a cross that not even Jesus or the virgin mary were willing to bear. In some ways, I am more pious than them.
I don’t think the Saints of the roman catholic or orthodox church could of accomplished their God-given missions if they suffered from mental illness. The Saints in Russia never visited mentally ill people, the mentally ill were always shut up in low quality mental institutions back then, screaming their heads off. It most likely seemed like God has truly handed the mentally ill (including myself) over to satan.
Sometimes I say to myself ‘God is lazy’ ‘God is lazy.’ I am comparing Him to the Queensland Police Service, the mental health system, and the social services system. But God would just say ‘all bad things are to teach everybody humility, so they will not go to such a deep level of hell if they got handed everything on a silver platter.’ The demons received countless gifts from God as angels before they sinned, so their guilt at having rejected the author of life is increased tenfold by ten.
God is doing His best, as much as a disapprove of His methods, to ensure people are as least demonic as possible in the hour of their deaths. Ie, if Donald Trump got everything he wanted, he would owe a lot more for God, so in his rejection of God, he would go to a very very deep level of hell. But since he experiences pain in this life, he will only go to a deep level of hell, rather than a very very deep level of hell.
Likewise, God will not attribute much blame to me, because God afflicted me heavily in this life, to minimize my torment in the next. I may even go to heaven! But probably not.
Today was an ok day. It wasn’t as bad as other days I’ve experienced. I went to church tonight for about 20 minutes, but went home when I noticed I smelt like urine. I suffer from urinary dribble. It’s probably because I’m too fat and drink too much coffee.
I have to change my pants every 2 days, because by the end of 2 days, they smell bad enough for me to notice. I’ve had problems with hygiene before as a schizophrenic. Especially on hot days where I’ve worn my clothes for 2 days. Man, I’m realising that I’m very disgusting.
One day, I got picked up from the busway from my Japanese class by my parents. They said ‘you really stink!’ I must of worn my clothes for 3 days during the early autumn. Sloppiness of dress is a symptom of schizophrenia.
Girls like guys who smell nice. That’s why I always take the highest dose of medication.
I am a slob, because I don’t go out and buy new clothes. I let my mum take me when she says that my clothes have faded.
I haven’t been able to find black pants my size at the shopping centre. I get black pants because they don’t show the urine stains so much. The last pants my mum got me to buy had the button at the front broken after a night out at social tennis. I also need pants with belt loops, as I’ve become too fat for non-belt loop pants.
Apart from that, my friend came over. We talked about nothing interesting. I probably stank to him. Then I remembered I’m due for my depot in 6 days. So my appetite is already decreasing.
I’m grateful for my medication. They give a nice chemical castrative effect. I’m a low value man, so it is good I keep my hands and feet to myself. On this dose of medication, I don’t want to disturb any women. God bless high quality men and women.
I posted a while back on this cheap game. I bought this game for 10 bucks from GOG games. I’ve played this game for about 60 hours. And I haven’t even completed the entire campaign! Other games I’ve completed with ease. Now I feel disabled.
Here, I’m trying to earn as much EXP as possible, to hope I can have skill high enough to hit the tough guys, such as Tauren Scouts or Mire Trolls or Devilmanders. Taurens are just humanoid Oxen. Mire Trolls are just walking fish. Devilmanders are just annoying giant lizards.
I’m getting sick of the game, but I don’t want to look on a walkthrough online, which would recommend how specifically I should best play the game.
This game is mildly addictive. Sometimes I go ‘woo-hoo’ whenever I’m winning a fight against a Devilmander.
My funniest joke I said when I was running out of coins was ‘I’m poor, as I’ve been on the disability support pension for 14 years.’ LOL
This is a video of me before I gained too much weight. I might of been 117kg in this video instead of 123kg. Boy am I fat.
As I was perusing youtubers who were my friends, I found out some statistics. I, as an unattractive male, got 1 500 total views. The least lovely lady got 9 000 views. The next ranked lady got 30 000 views. The best looking lady got 1 600 000 views. Maybe I should get liposuction and a sex change LOL.
Here’s to all my friends who are incels or voluntary celibates and ugly.
I didn’t want to renew my subscription to WordPress, as my blog wasn’t getting noticed. I think I will lose my premium membership in May or June, can’t remember which month.
As much as I’ve enjoyed writing blogs, I believe my writings have no value to the community, as I haven’t really lived my life at all.
I try to live an Orthodox life, as a form of Christian Bushido. Bushido is a Japanese concept, where the samurai would choose to die, whenever there was a choice between saving his life by submitting to the enemy, or dying to defend his Lord. I would choose death whenever I came to that point, as I am effectively useless to society. So I would choose euthanasia over life. Or, if I was in a concentration camp where I was overworked and overtired, I’d jump off a cliff, if one was nearby.
Life is too nightmarish. I’ve been trying to improve my fitness, for that day when Australia or a power that occupies Australia would send me to a concentration camp, because I’m a burden on society. Maybe the fitter I am, mentally and physically, the longer I’d survive in a concentration camp.
The best times in my life were the periods of happiness, joy and bliss I’d get before my next breakdown. The time preceding the breakdown was most likely a period of mania, as my disorder is schizoaffective disorder, which has a bipolar element to it.
This remix takes me back to late 2016 early 2017 period before my most severe breakdown in winter 2017. I wasn’t even off my meds. I was taking a moderate dose of medication. Even that wasn’t enough for me. I was taking 6mg paliperidone. The max legal dose a psychiatrist can prescribe is 12mg. So it wasn’t a low dose. Yet I had a severe breakdown in 2017.
But before that, I was listening to K-pop, as in the female artists. Their music and melodies were enchanting. They made me feel like I was actually desired by the female gender.
Alas, hit winter 2017, snap back to reality! But the manic period on 6mg paliperidone was fun while it lasted.
I was often going out with my female friend to the Gold Coast. I would take the Train there to see her at a local shopping mall. I was listening a lot to K-pop by various artists: Girls Generation, Jewelry, 2ne1, etc. Life seemed good while I was manic.
But I really regret trying to make friends with females, as I could not be a good boyfriend. I never really worked. I was always bludging off the government welfare system. Now, I’m trying to overcome my sins and work on acquiring humility.
To my friends in China, who are forced to work or die, I have this advice for you, bear it with much humility. Try not to let your ego dictate what you want to do. Don’t be afraid of loneliness or rejection. Great is your reward in heaven.
I probably don’t understand the hardships of people living in China. I don’t understand the hardships of people who have to work for their money in this country! So please excuse me if my advice is very bad.
The Lord Jesus Christ didn’t remove a believer’s sinful tendencies, so the believer would be able to learn the art of spiritual combat, i.e. choosing the good and refusing and rejecting the bad. When a Christian fights against his sinful inclinations (passions) he strengthens his willpower, so he will find the battle easier next time, until he reaches a state of perfection required of all true Christians. ‘Be perfect as your father in heaven is perfect.’ Matthew 5:48.
God gives us tough circumstances to help us grow and mature as Christians. God also makes things difficult to teach us humility and gratitude. If everything were easy for us, we’d become little Lucifers and fall into the same pride as the devil.
We need to have gratitude for God’s provision. This is why the Samaritan in the gospel used the phrase ‘the crumbs that fall from the Lord’s table’ Matthew 15:27. If we received everything we desired, we’d most likely spit in God’s face. The demons got everything from God, yet they spat in His face from before the beginning of the world.