The media

I just read a story in the news about an ‘accused murderer who thought he was Jesus.’ He obviously was a schizophrenic like myself.

I don’t know how bad I’d be if I had starting taking drugs. Fortunately, most people socially reject me, so the criminals would stay away from me, which is a good thing.

Seems social rejection has its benefits as well. I still get socially rejected, not only because of my schizoaffective disorder, but also because of my autism spectrum disorder. So it is a double whammy.

But yeah, if I did go psychotic, I’d just hand myself over to the police. I like mental health jails. I like mental hospitals. Here, the hospitals are good quality. It’s kind of like summer camp.

But yeah, even when I’m not in the mental hospital, there’s nothing much to do in this city. This city is a medium sized town, which doesn’t even have an Orthodox monastery.

So things are pretty depressing. I’m just glad I take my medication instead of taking drugs.

Taking a bus

A big tough bus driver was angry with some kids on the bus, because they didn’t pay their fare. I know it was their fault, but most bus drivers are quite nice, and won’t argue if the person doesn’t have the correct fare.

My mental health was good, today. When I went to a protestant church today, I decided to cultivate the virtue of humility. I endured the limited social rejection by other people. Fortunately, a doctor, the pastor, and a Chinese lady said hi to me. I felt better.

Life isn’t so depressing when you have friends. But I have no discipline. I do not believe my life has a purpose. Well, at least one that I can get paid for. But my little activities add meaning to my life.

Such as this blog, for example. And the fact that I pray from an Orthodox prayer book. Sometimes I can feel better by helping a stranger, or even talking to them.

One time, a Korean lady didn’t know how to purchase a ticket from the ticket machine, so I helped her out. Her English was quite good. So she thanked me. I went on my way.

My birthday is coming up. Hopefully I can have a party with my family and friends. God bless everybody on Earth.

The cold of the soul

St Teresa of Calcutta (commonly known as ‘Mother Theresa’) felt the dark night of the soul. She often wrote about it in her works. I too, feel a dark night of the soul. But I feel better after a bit of prayer.

As St Dominic Savio used to pray ‘death, but not sin!’ If I can abstain from sin, then the dark night may be reduced. I think in my case, my depression is punitive, but also educative. It teaches me humility.

As Satan was bound and cast out of heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise we must have humility. Humility, in my case, is to accept the dark night of the soul, with all the depression it entails. Not to come down from my cross, but to stay on my cross.

I thank God for my dark night. It teaches me humility very well. I have some literature I can read to help me resist the temptation to come down from my cross.

Paypal: paypal.me/iakovoskriegor

I can play music

I felt I played this piece really well. I like this piece.

My hair was short after going to a barber who wouldn’t use scissors to cut the top of my head.

I used to play this piece often when I was a kid about 17 years ago. This was before my mental breakdown. I must of been manic back then.

Thank you all for your love and support!

Paypal: paypal.me/iakovoskriegor

I am a cow

I think old men sometimes have better flexibility than me. I wish I was more flexible.

I do not know if I already posted a blog with this video. If I did, here it is again for your convenience!

I think I can just barely kick above hip height on a good day.

I checked my weight on the scales. Just a bit under 122kg.

I still have trouble losing the weight. When I get sad and depressed, I often take extra meds, which further increases my appetite, which slows my weight-loss.

I wish I had better muscle tone. But it is ok, I just exercise for health.

The loss of love

No, this post is not about lost love. That is something different altogether. This post is about a morale failure, which happened to me back in 2006.

This is when I had my first mental breakdown. It showed that I had a total distrust in God, and that I was a coward, as I couldn’t cope with the basic activities of life.

I wish it had been different, and I had a diagnosis of depression instead of schizophrenia. Depressed people only have to take meds for a short while, whereas schizophrenics have to take medication lifelong.

But I hope none of my readers suffer a mental breakdown. Anti-psychotics have a huge range of unpleasant side effects, from shakes to weight gain.

But I need my pills, as I can not cope with life, or the day-to-day moments of life. I wish I had faith and trust in Jesus. It would make my life so much more manageable.

God bless you all!

Paypal link: paypal.me/iakovoskriegor

Suffering

The world suffers from a lack of love. Nobody cares about others. Everybody cares only about themselves. It truly is a lonely world.

I wish I could inspire some people to follow Christ wholeheartedly, as there is no point to life apart from following Jesus. It is like the advice at the end of Ecclesiastes: Serve God, keep His commandments.’ This is precisely what we must do.

The church may be the bride of Christ, but it still isn’t perfect. Many priests and faithful have turned people off going to church. But God is not to blame, we are to blame.

I pray you may all repent, and find joy in serving Christ.

I created a paypal link

Yes! I can finally accept donations! I hope all my hard work has paid off!

My paypal link is

paypal.me/iakovoskriegor

My portrait in paypal should be an Orthodox icon of St Seraphim of Sarov. He was a very gentle Saint, and I’m trying to emulate his gentleness. He even forgave and loved those who beat him up and left him as a hunchback for the rest of his life.

If my paypal link is wrong, then let me know, and I can find out what is the problem.

God bless everybody here!

I’m surprised people read my blog

Once again, thank you to all my readers! You are all very much appreciated!

It’s been about 5 days since my last depot injection. I feel a little more self-controlled due to an increase in my medication.

I saw my psychiatrist today. I enjoy seeing him. Some psychiatrists have a nice bedside manner.

I enjoy seeing my doctor as well. He is the one that monitors my health and gives me my depot injection.

I arranged to see my psychiatrist every 6 months, to give my psychiatrist time to see clients who are in more desperate need of his services. I need to stay with my psychiatrist if in case I need to go into hospital because I became too overwhelmed with life.

Things that could cause me to seek a hospital admission include the death of a family member, an invasion of Australia by a foreign power, or suddenly there is not enough food being produced to feed the world, including my poor country, Australia.

I still pray for the world, that nothing too bad happens on a global scale.

The departure of love

God is love, so the departure of love can mean the departure of the holy spirit, where God leaves me a cold, lifeless man.

I felt broken when I came down with mental health issues. I felt broken when the holy spirit left me, as He left Saul, first king of Israel. I felt all alone in my depression, yet people tried to reach out to me, but all I could receive from them were auditory hallucinations.

It’s a cold, lonely life. There isn’t much purpose for anybody, except the holiest of Saints in the Catholic and Orthodox churches.

Sure wish I had purpose.

It is 3 days since my depot injection. I might of had at least 60 or more depots since 2017. I had a few depots of anti-psychotic from 2012 to 2015 I think.

It’s been a long road. The path to recovery is not there. There is no perfect recovery from schizophrenia. Perfect recovery means coming off meds and not relapsing. But I am stabilised on medication. But I don’t want to be on those horrible needles and tablets.

I had a bad dream last night. It was about my phobias. I was in a dark place, trying to do whatever it took to leave that place, which was like a barren landscape. It was lonely in that dream, just like it is in life.