On solipsism

Solipsism is a complex belief I don’t know much about. But basically, I am sometimes a solipsist, because I believe that, as my inner reality is, so is my outer reality.

I believe, because I violated my vow of celibacy to God when I became mentally ill, I have been living in a form of hell. But to escape hell, I must endure every bad thing with all humility, thanking God for the trial.

I read about a monk and a nun in the Carmelite order who got married. I was so happy for them. I’d love to marry a nun. But I’m just plain ugly, so nobody wants to marry me.

As David Goggins once said, nobody is coming to save me.

On my unforgivable sin

‘Jesus is asking a bit much,’ St Mother Teresa, on her deathbed.

Dear Risen Lord Jesus Christ

I didn’t do your will. I didn’t bless you as God.
Now I’m in hell, suffering for my sins.
No, I am not dead, but your mercy torments me, as I can not reach my grandma, nor the others who have died.

Maybe I will get some relief, when I am in the actual hell.
I will see some of the people I’ve loved, who weren’t good enough for You.
I prayed everyday for my family, and my dead relatives
Only to find out that, my prayers were offensive to you.

I wish I could of done your will. I wish I could of been holy.
But my righteousness was never enough. I didn’t go enough times to church.
I didn’t pray enough. I didn’t fast enough. My mental illness kept me back
from wholeheartedly following your will.

I’m in hell, and I say ‘thank you God.’
Your will is done, both in heaven and in hell.

Negative relationships

What relationships have a negative impact on you?

The relationships that have a negative impact on me? I would say ones where the other person doesn’t really respect me. This often happens at churches I go to.

Most churches are insincere. I mean the people who go to them. Even asian churches can be pretty insincere.

Another thing I don’t like is when people borrow money and never give it back. But I suppose the more I give, the less pain I will experience in hell.

Can’t complain. My life isn’t too bad.

I just hope my blog gets more popular.

Nobody has donated to me on paypal. But that’s ok. I still receive a disability support pension.

God bless

Wow, today is a boring day. I wish my life would soon end.

I wonder how I’m going to get through today. I haven’t even had my morning cup of coffee.

It is the last day of 2022. Soon it will be 2023. I wonder what the new year holds in store for the world.

Putin is still acting like an idiot. Same with China and North Korea. I pray Jesus will teach them humility.

I don’t want to live through 2023 if there will be a world war. I am afraid of death. Why? Because God scorns my prayers.

I can’t bear life day by day. It is beginning to get really boring.

The libraries are closed today. I got up late today. I wish life would be easier.

God bless us all.

Today’s inspiration

You get to build your perfect space for reading and writing. What’s it like?

It’s like asian men: small pipi.

Just kidding. I don’t know how to answer it correctly. I suppose it gives me something to do. Though only a few people care about my opinions.

Well, I started off things irreverently because it is like when my support worker asks me a boring rhetorical question: ‘what you doing this weekend?’ Then, without thinking, I reply ‘having sex,’ which is ironic because it is something I’ve never done, and most likely never will do. BECAUSE I’M ASIAN OOOOHHHHHH!

Yes, I’m slightly racist.

I hope wordpress doesn’t take down my site LOL.

Pen Fifteen

Yes, I suck at martial arts.

But I practice them anyway. Though now I do more qi gong and gentle stretches, since my parents put up the cat enclosure.

I’m glad my parents are still alive. I have no way to honour them, except to give them a little of my disability support pension.

I thought I’d show a video of me sucking at martial arts, to fit with the video title.

God bless us all.

My most recent exercise video

This is me here, while I’m terribly gluttonous. Well, not really. Just the medication slows down metabolic rate.

I remember when I was fit. I was doing tai chi and tae kwon do back in 2005. But according to the instructor’s standard, I wasn’t doing a very good job.

But I tried for at least 9 months in 2005, until the instructor’s put downs got too much for me.

I am glad I got limited flexibility in the legs. I am not happy that most people do not respect me in real. Especially when it comes to my eating habits.

But I do try to do a minimum amount of exercise every day. It does help my body get in shape.

Using the law of attraction

Well, I did some exercise to make myself feel better. It was gentle stretching and tai chi, with some push ups. It reminded me a lot of how I was abused frequently in martial arts classes. Those instructors had a lot of negative energy.

So when I tried to do a mindfulness meditation afterwards, I was thinking back to the trauma in my life and shouting at the walls, when I was supposed to be meditating! But I will go back and try again later tonight.

I shout at the walls, because that is a symptom of my psychosis. I relive the trauma of what happened in the past. Yes, I know I can’t change the past, and I know I have to forgive, but even though I’ve forgiven, the memories still traumatize me.

I do believe in the law of attraction, because I’m not a very faithful Christian. I believe that our thoughts influence our reality.

I do try to be especially nice to others, as I believe it will give my soul relief in the eternal fire.

I can not fathom the reality of hell, or its eternity. How the pain lasts forever.

Jesus said ‘forgive, and you shall be forgiven.’ So I am using law of attraction and mindfulness meditations to remind myself to always forgive.

With memories floating through my mind, forgiveness is not a one-time event, but a continual process. At other days, I’ll be better at forgiving. Other times, worse. But nonetheless, I must continue fighting to save my soul.

After the depot 22/12/22

Christmas is almost here! I got my depot today. My doctor had a lot of advice for me. But I might not put it into practice.

There is nothing to do in this city. You are either working or studying, you are not suffering from a mental illness. Guess no city caters for the mentally ill.

But either way, I feel depressed. I had anti depressants, anti psychotics, and coffee and tea, and I still feel blue. Guess that is how my brain is wired.

I miss the years before 2005. I miss the years before I had to take medication long term. Life was better, even at high school, because at least I’d have an activity that I could do.

Life is quite lonely now. I really wish I wasn’t expelled from high school. I wish I could of left on my own.

But either way, life is depressing. I might go practice contemplation, if I can.

God bless you all.

I feel good, for a change

Even though I have very mild back pain from playing too many computer games, I feel good. I feel good because I had a cup of chai latte. It really hit the spot.

Maybe it is because I am 2 days away from my depot. Even though I have left my psychiatrist and been transferred to my GP, I probably won’t ask for tablets instead of my depot.

I need the depot to get through the loneliness of the holidays. I am not good at making new friends, well, anywhere. My self-esteem is too low.

I try not to bother others. Sure, the depot is a little prick, but I am glad to have it.

Maybe later I can come off the depot and go on a tablet form of the medication.