Wala
After my depot
I feel really sedated, with a lack of energy. It will take a while for my body to metabolise the anti-psychotic in the injection.
I need the depot, without it, I go mad. First, I go manic, like sleeping rough, excessive energy, then I crash, because I’m ashamed of how I behaved while manic.
Life shouldn’t have to be this way. But God is merciful. Every time something bad happens to us, we should reflect that it is a merciful punishment, and because of our sins we deserve worse punishments.
This is Mr Ke ai, signing off.
The night before my depot
I’ve been on injections since winter 2017. I was on depots before then, but I had breaks in between where I took tablets instead of injections.
It is strongly recommended that I take the depot of 150mg Invega Sustenna every 28 days. But my psychiatrist said that if my illness worsens, then I can take it every 21 days. But I prefer it every 28 days, as my weight begins to lessen towards the 28th day.
I weighed 119.7kg on the scales at the start of today. It has been the first time in a while that my weight was below 120kg. I was 60kg before I started taking medication back in 2006. I was in grade 11 when I had my first hospital stay. Before that stay, I weighed 58kg, afterwards, I weighed 80kg. Fancy how much damage anti-psychotics do to your body.
Today was ok at the shops, where I got a haircut for 10 dollars. Very cheap in my opinion. The way I felt was how I felt on a good day in grade 8 in 2003. I was doing tennis and rowing at Brisbane State High School. It was like a day during the holidays. Fancy that, my entire life is like a big holiday, as I receive the disability support pension!
Hopefully my anxiety won’t worsen once I get the depot tomorrow. I hope I can lose more weight, for my health. Also, having more confidence with the women would help lol.
Nah, no woman from the sushi train or hair salon would date me in a million years. They would ask ‘what do you do?’ I’d honestly say ‘I’m a schizophrenic on a pension.’ So they’d be like ‘how do I get out of here?’ LOL.
My latest sparring video
https://youtube.com/shorts/2cOthS46DfU?feature=share
This is my latest sparring video that I composed recently.
I’m surprised anybody would care about the stuff I post on this blog.
I know I’m full of rubbish, but why would anybody care? I’m just another mental person.
Anyway, God bless all my friends who support my blog. I might delete my blog one day if it is inactive or I cop too much abuse.
I paid for this site for a 12 month contract because I thought I’d be able to make some advertising revenue. But so far, I haven’t made a cent in advertising revenue.
Makes me wish I could work a job…
I will never be a pastor
Sigh. When I was young and manic, before I got forced on medication, when I was an altar boy at an Anglican church in 2005, I wanted to be a pastor or priest. But now I get nothing out of worship! All I do at the Greek orthodox church is just judge my neighbour, and remember with scorn the insults of the Greeks against me.
I don’t think I’ve ever been truly tough. I may of done martial arts and cadets, but it was a false courage, a false toughness. Now nobody recognizes me as a candidate for the priesthood.
It’s pathetic, but I wouldn’t enjoy preaching from a pulpit anyway. Most people in churches don’t listen to the messages of their pastors, and don’t apply it to their lives. What a waste of time church must be!
Why do people go to church in the first place? I suppose they’d be homicidal maniacs like the communists if they were given state sanction to do so. So I don’t trust churches.
Life sucks for me, even though I have a few good deeds.
Ukraine, no Mykraine
First, Australia had the bushfires. Then the pandemic. Then potential threat of China. Now, Ukraine has been invaded by the Russians. What torment will Jesus Christ send next, to attempt to lead humanity back to remembrance of God?
We need to be chastised, both individually and as nations, so we as a society learn to choose the good and resist and reject the evil. Both Christian and atheist alike need chastisement, as both are evil in different ways. One is hypocritical, the other is honest in its immorality.
Life has become a nightmare, and my sins have contributed to it. I can confess to a priest and apologize to God, but my debt to God has not been erased, and likewise, my friends, family and myself, as well as my nation suffer because of my sins.
I think I’m a Saint, but that might be a symptom of my vulnerable narcissism. I wish I could apologize, but an apology is not good enough, I need to perfectly repent. Lord, have mercy on me and the human race!
I don’t think, in the weakness of my psychology, that I can fully repent. The church doesn’t allow me to receive holy communion, thereby allowing me to be healed somewhat by God’s grace. I think, when the end of the world comes, my time is up. Maybe my almsgiving will give me some relief in hell.
More thoughts on humility
Now, if you are rotting at home on disability benefits, it may be important to have some sense of humility to endure social rejection. I myself, most of all, am enduring social rejection, because of my schizophrenia. Of course, even though I am humble beyond all, I still get the occasional slur or insult from others.
Just because a person is humble, doesn’t mean God will glorify them in this life. It means my reward will be paid in full in the next. Life is a nightmare. People are more evil than they think. But still, I endure dishonour heartily.
The world needs a great reset. Every person is punished for his or her sins, and each saint is rewarded for his or her humility and other virtues.
God bless my enemies. They make me wonder why God is keeping me alive, rather than praising God with the angels.
Life is a nightmare
In all our tragedies of life, we still do not repent.
I wish I could appear to all the sinful souls, and tell them of this place of torment, for they would fear to come here.
There is no repentance in hell.
There is no repentance after death.
I had a bad dream last night, about colonising other planets, and getting infected with some disease, that might of been too horrible to imagine, but the dream didn’t show me getting sick.
I just hope humanity can become slightly more Godly in the future.
The beginning of the end
Russia has invaded Ukraine! I can’t believe it! They are practically the same race and people, why kill each other? This is the destructiveness of communism, where a nation is turned against its people.
I had a bad dream last night, or several, during the night. I suffered indigestion at 4am in the morning, and I dreamt I was married to the wrong lady, that my qq had been deleted by the Chinese, and that I was in a borderlands 2 simulated reality.
I play borderlands a little. About 2 hours a day if any at all. I don’t play computer games 8 hours a day like I used to. Perhaps this is due to the lack of enjoyment that I experience as part of my schizophrenia.
I still can’t believe there is a war going on. Why doesn’t America step in? Why didn’t America subjugate North Korea, and release all the captive Christians? Maybe it is because America is not ready for a World War.
According to Orthodoxy, there will be the third world war, then the Anti-Christ will come. I most certainly will bow down to him, because I have no hope in Jesus, and to save my own skin. God help us.
Our sins as a human race has become so great, that the world is beginning to fall apart. Lord, may I not live to see the end. Amen.
I’m undateable
I was watching a YouTube clip from Better Bachelor, and the presenter said he had never been happier since his divorce. He could do whatever he wanted around his house, he didn’t have to share his money with anybody, he didn’t have to go through another amicable divorce. He liked being single.
After watching that YouTube clip, I realised how much better off I am. After my ex borrowed money off me and never gave it back, I’m glad I gave her some almsgiving. As much as I miss her, I am kind of happy that she left me and got married to someone else.
But all things that happen to me in this life are God attempting to teach me humility, so that I may not judge or curse another in thought, word or deed. God is particularly good at teaching people humility. He teaches it through natural disasters, loss of loved ones, failed business exploits, mental breakdowns, foreign invasions, and everything that society would call ‘bad.’ God uses bad things to teach us humility, so we’d stop spitting in God’s face.
Each time we sin, we spit in God’s face, we dishonour him on that cross. I worried one time that each sin I committed increased Christ’s torment in hell. Such was my zeal, before my mental breakdown! I wish I could stop sinning! But my heart is not right with God, as much as I’m more humble than 16 years ago.
But, my friends, please pursue humility. You will be glad you did on your deathbed. You will be glad you cultivated love for God and neighbour in heaven.
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