Diary entrees 26/01/21 to 27/01/21

These are the first of my recorded diary entrees. They are the diary entrees of a madman, but who takes his medication. The names of people I have omitted.

26/01/21

Today starts my diary, which was recommended by my support worker from the NDIS. Today I was with my support worker. I went with him to Wellington Point. Before that, he drove me to Chatterbox at Mount Gravatt Plaza to order a salad sandwich for myself.

My thoughts for today are: I must only take one day at a time, be grateful for all God has given me, and being glad I’m still alive. The vaccine for Covid 19 is scheduled to be rolled out here soon, I have some misgivings about it. God be merciful to us all.

27/01/21

Life is long, and the journey endless. I don’t think I will rejoice in my old age. I wrote this entry when the day just started. I woke up late, after a good night’s sleep. I need to call my support coordinator, to reschedule a time for my support worker to come over, as I will be at the Gold Coast next Tuesday. May God have mercy on us all.

Labour Day 2021

I can’t believe I’m still alive. I swore I’d die before I was 18 years old, but I lived to 31 years old. I swore to myself like that because I was severely mentally ill, and I didn’t receive shock therapy yet. Shock therapy really helped my treatment-resistant psychosis.

Anyway, today was labour day, so I decided to try using public transport, to see how frequently the buses ran on a public holiday. Practically nobody was on the buses going into the city.

Anyway, I got out and had a walk around kangaroo point cliffs. I always wanted to own a home there, to always be able to look out upon the Brisbane city river. That dream will most likely never come to pass, but while I was there, I managed to take a few photos of the river and sent them to my mom.

While I was there, I did something brave. There was an Asian couple sitting across from me at Kangaroo Point. I could hear what they were saying. They were speaking Japanese! I had learnt that language at high school. So I, being socially awkward, once I got the courage to speak to them, I asked them if they liked music, because there was a loud concert going on across the river. The lady answered and said ‘yes, I do.’ Then I said, ‘which city are you from in Japan?’ She said ‘Yokohama.’ I said ‘What is your name?’ She said ‘Aya.’ Then there was a silence, they began speaking to each other, so I walked off.

The Japanese, if you are language buffs, goes something like this.  僕は’音楽が好きですか?’と言いました。 あやは’はい’と言いました。 僕は’日本ではどんな町から来ましたか。’と言いました。 あやは’横浜。’と言いました。 僕は’お名前は何ですか、’と言いました。 あやは’あやです。’

I commended myself for being brave enough to talk to a stranger, as I remember when I talked to too many strangers 10 years ago when I was mentally unwell, and I was ashamed of my behaviour.

Anyway, I’m not good at finding topics to talk about. Better luck next time for me.

My life so far April fools day 2021

I’m not sure how long I’ve had this WordPress blog for.

I’ve been wondering if somebody else could tell me. I would have difficulty navigating my settings.

I would like to know how to make money on WordPress too lol. I tried the YouTube idea, but I didn’t get enough views or subscribers. To make money from advertising on YouTube, you must have 1000 subscribers and 4000 hours worth of viewing time from other users in the past year. I had trouble getting subscribers and also getting people to watch my poorly designed videos.

Anyway, to my life so far. My mom’s mom passed away recently. I have so much more anxiety now than when my grandpas passed away in 2006. I am more conscious of the fear of death, and the imminent expectation of being thrown into hell after I die. I wish I was more Godly. Maybe had I been an actual Saint, Coronavirus wouldn’t of happened.

My grandma outlived both my grandpas by 15 years. I don’t know how long I’ll live. I wish I’d pass away before mum and dad, to save me the heartache of missing them. But since I’m so highly medicated, probably I will die first, as medication shortens lifespan quite a bit.

But I do pray for the souls of the dead, and my friends who are still alive here on Earth. Life is a nightmare. I think if we were all to live 1000 years, we still could not do enough works to become a Saint.

God help us all. Amen.

My life so far 27/12/20

Wow, Covid-19 has really shocked the world this year. I just hope all who come across my blog have been safe this year, protected by God from disease, illness, sudden death, foreign invasion, and anything that may frighten and perplex the human soul.

I didn’t catch the virus this year. Here in Queensland, the government has done an exemplary job of protecting its citizens from Covid-19. My friends in Brisbane were all protected from it, too.

Nonetheless, I have some things to say to all people in Brisbane. We must all repent. Jesus said in the Gospels ‘Do you think that the Galileans whom the tower of Siloam fell on were worse sinners than they? No, I tell you, unless you all repent, you will all perish.’ Stop fornicating, because it destroys the communion between each person’s souls. Stop committing adultery, God declared marriage holy, and the wedding bed undefiled.

Do not get angry at others, let others have their way. Because life is a nightmare, we should not impose our wills upon anybody. God didn’t force us to love Him by coercion, He gave us the freedom to walk away from Him. But how blessed will we be, if we love Him with all our heart! God gave us free will, so by using our free will properly, we would inherit a greater reward in heaven than the oceans, earth, trees, and animals who obey God by default.

God has taught me much during my life. I would not have my mental illness removed or my experiences in life erased for all the treasure on earth, because without mental illness, I would not have even begun to cultivate humility. As St John Climacus says in the Ladder of Divine Ascent, ‘Without humility, nobody shall enter the bridal chamber.’ That bridal chamber is the Kingdom of heaven.

So let us all think the least of ourselves, not quarrelling with others over senseless matters. Let us be humble, then shall the light of Christ shine in others. And even if many reject the light, the humble shall still be at peace.

I shall leave you with a monastic saying of the desert fathers, for all Christians struggling with temptation in Brisbane: ‘Even if we never enter the promised land, it is best that we leave our bones to lie in the desert, then return to slavery in Egypt.’

Take it easy

Greetings everybody. My topic is ‘taking it easy’. People seem to always be on the go, go, go. I live in the slow lane. But the thing about always being on the go, is that you can frequently get burnt out.

I have been sick for about a week with a cold. I thank God everyday for this cold, as it leads me towards perfect humility. As an Orthodox ascetic once said ‘As satan was bound and cast out from heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise, we must have humility.’ So I thank God each and every day for the bad things that happen to me. It makes me realise my weakness, and depend more and more on God.

The Lord says to St Paul in one of his epistles ‘My grace is sufficient for you. In your weakness, my strength is made manifest.’ This is one of the verses the Pentecostals would NOT underline in their bible. The miracles of the pentecostal and charismatic churches are false and demonic, don’t trust them.

One of the things that delights the Lord is ‘sickness borne with patience, as this brings great joy to the Lord in our affliction’. Our patience proves whether we are worthy of receiving paradise, when the end of our life comes.

Anyway, getting back on topic, take things one day at a time. It’s no good if you burn yourself out and end up committing suicide. Stay alive! Because Jesus Christ has a great reward in place for you after your faith has been proven true through the furnace of tribulation.

My youtube account

Hello everybody. I am surprised how many good and honest people would even regard my blog. Thank you to all the nice people out there who support me on my journey to heaven!

I started a youtube account, which I pay premium for. I’m hoping people will like my videos. My channel’s name is ‘Mr Keai’, which means ‘Mr cute’ in chinese. Chinese language does not distinguish between the adjectives ‘lovely’ and ‘cute’. So my real name ‘James Owen Lovely’ is just ‘James Owen Cute’ in chinese equivalent. Otherwise in pinyin it’s known as Zhanmushi Ouwen Keai.

Anyway, my serious advice to all people seeking the kingdom of God, take one day at a time, go easy on yourself, especially if you are going to have a mental breakdown. In 2006, when I was acutely manic, I was doing high school, air force cadets, tai chi, and tae kwon do, then I lost my mind and ended up in hospital!

I don’t believe in the saying ‘no pain, no gain’. I believe, ‘push yourself too hard and you will get injured.’ I realise a lot of people out there will not understand weak people like me, such as David Goggins, or Jordan Peterson. But they have a certain mindset and set of genetics that makes them extremely tough. I am not like that.

I do not think I will ever become a CEO, or even any kind of leader, for that matter. But God gives gifts to everybody, some He withholds from others, while giving to someone else. Anyway, I’ll try to post my youtube link, so you can enjoy all my youtube videos. God bless!

Yay! It worked! Hope you all enjoy!

What a person needs to do

Welcome to my blog. I hope that my website is not too disturbing.

I will most likely upgrade to premium, in the hopes I can make a few cents from wordpress. I believe it works by people clicking on advertising associated with my site?

I’m not an impressive blogger. My blog posts are really short. But I do this largely to increase my ability to write, so hopefully I can write a book and make a few dollars.

My first book would be about ethics. Personally, I am an Orthodox Christian, but I support asian religions, such as taoism and buddhism. But before my conversion to Orthodoxy, I was a protestant.

Life can be a nightmare for most of us, so I understand if people want to pleasure themselves with innocent things like junkfood, coffee, chocolate, vanity, and warm showers. I sympathise with people who need more intense kicks, such as porn, street drugs, risky sex, alcohol, cigarettes and gambling, as in this life, it feels as though God has left society.

My advice to mentally ill people like me is: practice mindfulness, limit the amount of risky pleasures you engage in, try eating one healthy thing a day, get enough sleep, take one day at a time, God appreciates your efforts. Life is beautiful on the correct dose of medications.

My advice to husbands is: love and cherish your wives. Look after them. I wouldn’t throw out my pets, so why should we forsake the wife of our youth?

Life is difficult, God seems to be unable to understand mental illness, but there is hope, maybe you can write a book, and teach me how to make money lol.

5 days before Christmas

I am 29 years old and on a high dose of anti-psychotic medication. I try to keep my faith alive in Christ, but although my fear of hell is not lessening, I surely am driven to despair.

I judge my neighbor. I bear hatred and resentment against most who have ever offended me. I do not do the works of righteousness, even much less than many people. I pray God will deliver me.

God has shown me in life, that even after death, we still exist. He has created all humans for eternity, to populate His Kingdom, regardless of whether we like it or not.

Life is continual. The state we are in when we die is the state we will be in in eternity. So, if we hate our relative at the point of death, then we will burn forever in our own hatreds.

God has given each of us enough time to repent, to read the bible, to do the works fitting of righteousness. While some are like me, and despair, we are given such trials to make us stronger.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have supported me throughout the years. They know who they are.

Pray for me. God bless you.

Tips for humble thinking

As St John of Kronstadt says in his work ‘My life in Christ’: “those who endure dishonour in this life will not be subjected to it in the next.” So I have some practical things to think when faced with dishonour.

If a person insults you, calling you a worthless person, with or without coarse language, say ‘Yes! This is true! I deserve your words because of my sins! Thank you for your caustic words!’

If a person won’t talk to you, and repeatedly ignores you, leave them alone, and say ‘God told them to ignore me, because I have been ignoring God.’

If you are feeling lonely and empty on the inside, say ‘It is the will of God for me to feel this way, Jesus faced the same feelings and worse on the cross.’

If you are feeling rejected, and you can not find true love, say ‘I can not find true love because I reject the true love of God. It is all my fault, not my love interest’s.’

If you are excluded from a friendship circle because you are different, say ‘blessed are they, because they know how wicked I am, thus they are fulfilling the Lord’s admonition to the Israelites “put the evil out from under your midst.”

If you are being bullied needlessly by an accuser, say to them ‘God bless you. Thank you for your caustic words. By your words you drive out the serpents of arrogance and anger from deep in my heart.’

Masturbation, the futility of despair

There was once a handsome gentleman called James. He was in love with a beautiful woman named Audrey. She had beautiful long black hair, and she was perfect in beauty and holiness. They agreed they would not have sex before marriage. So they existed together in perfect communion and bliss.

But one day, James met another girl called Luxifu. She was not as beautiful as Audrey, but she was sexy and hot, and seduced James to lie with her. After he had committed this wicked act, he rushed towards Audrey, and falling on his knees, said ‘Audrey! I have played the harlot with another woman, I am no longer worthy to be your fiance. But please, have mercy on me, and through your prayers grant me the strength to resist this evil woman who has seduced me.’ Audrey, without losing her cool, said ‘I forgive you, go your way sin no more.’

No sooner had he said these awe-inspiring words, and deleted Luxifu’s number out of his contact list, that Luxifu met him in the back alley, and used her erotic charm to seduce him once again. He lied with her again, and then she mysteriously left. But he remembered Audrey, and this awful sin he committed against her, and so phoned her and said ‘I have sinned this great sin again, I am no longer worthy to be called your servant.’ And Audrey said ‘I will pray for you, that you be no longer tormented by her.’

After Audrey and James’s reconciliation, as he was walking along the street, Luxifu appeared to James. James recoiled in horror, and told her ‘Get away from me! I already have a fiancee!’ Luxifu said ‘You can not resist me. Come with me, and let us take our share of love on the bed of your house.’ So he committed adultery yet again. Yet afterward he would always come back to Audrey, weeping, and beg her forgiveness. This behavior happened not for one or two years, but for more than ten years.

After all this, James ran back to Audrey, asking her forgiveness. And just as he was about to ask Audrey’s forgiveness, Luxifu came into the room, and began to beat James severely. As he was lying on the ground, black and blue, she turned to Audrey and said ‘What will become of the two of us, Shangdi Audrey? Your mercy and compassion takes the ground I have gained in this man’s soul. Why don’t you just burn him up? He has cheated on you for 10 years, yet you still love and adore him.’

‘In what way can you be called a just judge, Audrey? While I was cast out of heaven for a little breach of pride, to this man, a fornicator, sodomite and prodigal, you calmly show your sympathy and kindness. For as I see it, you receive individual people with great kindness, but ignore justice in general.’ Luxifu was fuming with rage and contempt, while a black flame poured from her nostrils.

Audrey then spoke back to Luxifu. ‘Oh all cunning and ruinous dragon, are you not yet satisfied with your destructive desire to gobble up the whole world? Can you, by making him sin, tip the scales of justice against the blood I shed on the cross? Behold my murder and my death, which I endured because I love this man.’

‘You, when you seduce him, never turn him away or cause him to repent. So likewise, I, who counselled my beloved friend Peter to forgive 77 times 7, neither turn him away, nor shun his prayers, or his pleas for my mercy.’

‘We have heard all that you say, oh seducer, that I am not just. On the contrary, I am just beyond all. In whatever state I find a man, there I will judge him. See James’s repentance, which he has shown towards me, entreating my forgiveness, and thereby having conquered you. He never lost his love for me, despite your seductions, for which he is honoured. As for you, may your hate be shred to pieces and you disgraced.’

Suddenly Luxifu started to burn, burn with unbelievable heat, which devoured her, until she exploded. Audrey touched James, lifted him up, and healed his wounds. Then they got married, and James was never unfaithful to Audrey again.