Me doing exercise

I can’t believe I can still do these exercises, after all these years, and at my current dose of medication. I take 150mg Invega Sustenna Depot injection syringe, 200mg Desvenlafaxine, and 3mg paliperidone. It is very difficult to lose weight, unless I get nervous and stressed and stop eating. Then I will likely ask my psychiatrist for an increase in meds, which will bring back my appetite.

The only way to lose weight on medication is to starve yourself. It would be possible, if I were chained to my bed and released only to go to the toilet. That’s how bad the hunger is on medication. Anti-psychotics usually do that to you.

My sincere wish is none of my fellow bloggers may need to take anti-psychotics, as they are the worst form of medication. I don’t know why people are up in arms about the Covid vaccine, the Covid vaccine would have less side effects, long and short term, than long term anti-psychotics. I’ll probably be dead before I’m 60. Good thing I’m going regularly to confession with the priest. I hope to get past the aerial toll houses.

The Piano

This is me playing the piano very poorly. The circuits in my brain have been corroded by overmedicating. I sincerely wish that nobody would have to take anti-psychotics long term. Anti-depressants may be ok for a few years, but then a person should get back on their feet and live their life. I haven’t taken drugs, alcohol or cigarettes, but yet I caught schizoaffective disorder at 16 years old. Something must of gone very wrong with my thinking.

Schizoaffective disorder means schizophrenia with a mood component. Or otherwise known as half schizophrenia, half bipolar mood disorder. The best of both worlds. So it is a nightmare to have, and sometimes, I try to loosen up, with disastrous consequences. Basically, when you are in the ‘schizo’ classification of disorders, you can not be yourself around anybody, unless you want to make a fool of yourself or be reported to the police. You always got to think before you speak. It is a huge cross.

Oh well, maybe reincarnation is true and I will get a better rebirth in the next life. But I’m not certain about Buddhist theology. I believe in this life, then heaven or hell.

Law of attraction

Isn’t it odd how an Orthodox Christian wants to write on the law of attraction? Well, sometimes I like a break from Orthodoxy every now and then.

I am not very Orthodox, despite being chrismated in an Orthodox church. I don’t like the people, I don’t like the snobby attitudes of the worshippers and priests, and I don’t like fasting, due to being on medication which makes eating extra unavoidable.

I prefer the law of attraction sometimes, as it is more palatable than Orthodox Christianity, and it takes my mind of hell. I’m just hoping I can ‘create’ my way out of worrying about going to hell in the end. I’m not living my life up now with these limiting beliefs!

Sure wish I could make money off YouTube or WordPress. It’s a nice cool night in the start of spring. End of winter was quite hot. Now I just have to get my comfy mattress back into the room with the air conditioning for the hellish summer.

Sigh, I don’t have any advice on personal development, as I have never really developed myself personally. The law of attraction advice is ‘think you already have what you want, and you will get it.’ I sort of get some relief from pretending that I’m celibate, to stop preoccupying myself with my loneliness.

As much as I am unworthy of a girlfriend, I struggle with emotional issues of loneliness. Sometimes the cold is too much to bear. But distraction helps. YouTube also helps. I prefer looking up law of attraction videos than looking at Orthodox videos.

Going to confession wasn’t so bad

Today is 02/09/21. I went to confession with a priest for the first time in 3 years. It wasn’t too bad. He gave me a lot of gentle advice.

I belong in a Greek Orthodox Church in Brisbane. They are nice communities, usually the elderly go there, because life has taught them to appreciate what they have got. Mental illness has taught me humility too, it teaches me to depend totally on God. I am grateful for what God has given me.

Well, I try to be grateful for what God has given me. But apart from that, I have nothing much to say for today. I have no specific counsels nor themes, as my needs are largely taken care of, due to my Centrelink pension and my medication.

Confession is a life-giving sacrament, and it is good for the conscience. It’s nice just to have someone to talk to. It also gives great boldness to the soul on that fearful day of judgement, or at least that’s what I feel it does. But I shouldn’t accuse God, I should bless Him and thank Him for the trials He has sent me to test and purify me.

The Holy Spirit

I do remember the better times in life, before I had mental illness. But in actual fact, life is a continuum, but the emotions go up and down. Sometimes they are really up, but actually really downward emotions can kill you. They can drive you to attempting suicide, like I did in 2006, 2007, and 2017.

The cause of suicidal ideation is pride. We are saying to God ‘I’m fed up with not getting my way, so I’m going to murder this body you gave to me.’ It shows a lack of gratitude and humility, bearing patiently whatever God’s will is for us. Such are the times.

At the time I was suicidal, I would certainly of claimed the opposite, but indeed, it is a hatred and contempt for not only our lot in life, but of God Himself. The only way out of despair is humility, a patient endurance of the affliction, according to the Desert Fathers of the Orthodox Church.

It’s hotter in hell.

No one cares

Very few people care about me and my situation, and my lot in life. Even fewer people bless me and make an effort to spend time with me. But I should remember that it is not my fault, it is just the misinterpretation of my illness by outsiders.

Even my younger relatives on my mother’s side do not want to have anything to do with me. Same with the people in my grade from my former high school. But as it is written in the life of Elder Hatzi-Georgis of the Holy mountain, ‘no one cared, as the souls in hell only cared about themselves.’ So a lot of people, already in this life, are in hell, who are guaranteed a place in hell after their death.

As is said in the recount of the aerial toll-houses in the life of Taxiotes the soldier, ‘(the souls in hell) beg, but no one cares; they mourn, but no one comforts them.’ People both inside and outside the Holy Orthodox Church are in big trouble with God. I do pray regularly for them.

Actually, looking at this icon, I myself may go to hell, due to the sins I committed in primary and high school. I am being cursed with a lack of love from men and women because I hit, maimed, insulted, and judged men and women in primary and high school.

Maybe I will never get an opportunity to set things right. Maybe I should endure solitude and isolation, in hope that I would not be punished in the next life. God have mercy.

I wish I was enlightened

When I was young, I wanted the enlightenment of the Buddhist monk, and the courage of the kung fu master. Now that I’ve grown up, I really wish I just had a purpose in life.

I really don’t live a ‘purpose-driven life’ by the same title of Rick Warren’s book. I couldn’t succeed in Christianity. I couldn’t succeed in Orthodoxy. I couldn’t succeed in Buddhism. I couldn’t succeed in life.

Maybe there will be some ad revenue on my blog once August is over. Not likely. My blogs are fairly boring. Life seems so full of despair, but the depression is manageable on medication. Mindfulness meditations do help as well.

The Buddhist state of ‘enlightenment’ is the ultimate aim of the Buddhist life, same as ‘Theosis’ is the aim of the Orthodox life. My former confessor said that when one achieved Theosis that person believed he was the worst of sinners. How to know one truly thinks of themselves as the worst of sinners is when you don’t judge others no matter what.

Theosis is attained by communing, confessing, fasting, praying, giving alms, and most importantly by practising the Jesus prayer. You must do all these things with repentance, or else they will all be useless. I was told not to pray the Jesus prayer because I’m a schizophrenic. The justifications I’ve been given for that are not adequate, concluding that it may be a demonic prayer.

So I never much pray the Jesus prayer. I pray in my own words, because I have more virtue than the Orthodox Christian who goes to Church every Sunday. Often, Sunday Orthodox Christians have a false virtue, because they bless God, yet curse the disabled and homeless man.

Such is the pitiable state of the Orthodox Churches in my city.

Difficulty exercising, anyone?

I find doing 10 minutes of this exercise difficult. I can do 6 minutes of this kind of exercise before I get tired of standing in the one place for a couple of minutes. I enjoy doing very light exercise to some David and Diane Arkenstone music on YouTube.

I have done in the past 1 hour and 25 minutes of standing up light exercise within the past 2 years on a 3 shot cup of coffee, but that was a one-off. Due to my depression and my sedative side-effects of my medication, I can not do exercise for very long. I guess I do have motivation, but I do experience limited pain in my legs from making sure I don’t fall over. Guess it must be an anxiety condition.

I’m turning 32 on September 27th 2021, but I exercise like an old man. If I tried shadow boxing at moderate intensity, I could only do it for 30 seconds, perhaps less. I can’t compete with people who do regular exercise or young people who don’t take medication. God bless everybody fitter and stronger than me.

Diary entries 24/3/21 to 26/3/21

24/3/21

I’m glad I do donate to charity every now and then. Gives something for my money to do. I went with my support worker to the library and read the book titled ‘God is good for you.’ It said that Christians give 4 times as much to charity as non-religious people do. Makes me glad I fear God and the coming judgement.

25/3/21

Hold it together, James. You have got so much to live for. You must avoid death at all costs, for when you die, then the torments start. I doubt I will ever see paradise. Only the Saints get into heaven. You tried, you tried, you were not found worthy. Just stay in the community without consuming valuable hospital resources which could be allocated to someone more valuable than yourself.

26/3/21

Today was a better day than yesterday. I was praised by my friends at an English conversation group. They said I was a really good person.

The English conversation group is off for 3 weeks due to school holidays. Hope the teachers have a nice break.

Love one another. This is the great commandment from Jesus Christ. For if I don’t love others, how can I love God?

I apologise to all females I’ve ever asked out

I wouldn’t call myself an Incel, because I looked up that on wikipedia. It means ‘involutary celibate’. But when I read more in the wikipedia article, it said Incel was a form of misogynistic terrorism! I am not a terrorist, or at least, I hope not, if the police ask me if I’m a terrorist, then I will say ‘Yes! It’s all true! Lock me up, as I’m too hideous for society!’

I really don’t have the humility to realise I’m disabled, autistic and fat, so therefore I shouldn’t try to ask out women. Fortunately, I haven’t asked out women for years, or at least I hope I haven’t. Cheers to involuntary celibacy, or in my cases, celibacy for the sake of not inconveniencing women! God bless feminism!

I like to apologize to all the women I’ve ever had the nerve to ask out. I looked at this video. Man, am I ugly. Again, apologies. I shall practice voluntary celibacy from now on. God bless!