Bugging people

A nice lady on WordPress complimented me and said I was good at writing. I feel blessed by the compliment!

Strangely, when I was just writing the above sentence, I was thinking about a dream I had recently. I was yelling curses at a high school assembly, and I was so scared that they’d blow me up! But then I woke up, I think.

Anyway, that nice friend had a blog on marketing. I have made about 5 AUD in art sales and 45 AUD in book sales. I sold a worthless art piece that I drew for 5 AUD in a mental health art exhibition. I sold about 7 books, 5 for 5 AUD each 2 for 10 AUD each.

I was trying to sell more books at an English conversation group last Friday. I definitely felt like I was bugging people! They are just unused books that I’ve finished reading. The people at the conversation group didn’t want to buy the books. So sad for me! Fortunately, I’m still receiving a disability support pension, so that is keeping me afloat.

I receive the disability support pension because I have psychiatric impairment. I tried to kill myself in 2006, 2007 and 2017. Those are when I had psychotic episodes.

I haven’t made any money through PayPal donations. I almost sold some more artwork, but the buyer refused to meet up, so I didn’t get to sell them to that person!

If you want to help me, my paypal is paypal.me/iakovoskriegor

God bless all of you!

Schizophrenia

I have schizoaffective disorder, personally. Schizoaffective disorder is either half bipolar half schizophrenia or half schizophrenia half depression. I have the manic-depressive type.

Well, as I always try to tell myself, it is meant to teach me humility. God sends me both Christians and non-Christians who dishonour me, to make sure I am humbled by their caustic words!

Well, when I do not think I am a Saint, but seriously think I am the worst of sinners, then I will be at the summit of virtue.

Humility can be a craving for insults, and a thirst for dishonours. I still pray one day I may have humility!

One of my cats

For a cat, she snores pretty loudly.

It’s midnight here on a Saturday evening, and it is early spring. Things aren’t too hot, yet. But we will be complaining about the heat in about a month’s time.

I am beginning to miss winter already. But I miss more when I was 60kg and able to tolerate the heat better. And also, when I didn’t need my air conditioner so much to cool me down.

My ex came over today with her husband. He looks like a very humble man.

I accept her because I’m lonely, and will never have a real relationship with a lady, because I’m too disabled, and I don’t have an occupation. Such is my life.

I had a 6 hour nap after I came back from going out with my ex, her husband, and her friend. Things are very lonely for me.

I wish things could of been better. But secretly, no matter how hard I try, I believe I will not save my soul. But I must struggle harder!

A phobia of mine

I was looking up stuff about PTSD and realised that when a person has a panic attack, they want to, or they do, throw up. I personally am emetophobic, to the point that I don’t watch movies for fear they will have a vomit scene.

I developed it as I got older. I was less emetophobic in my early years, but towards my 30s I became emetophobic. My dad is emetophobic too, so if I feel sick, I don’t automatically tickle the back of my throat with my finger. I just sit with it and sometimes it passes.

Well, boy, what a gross topic. I hope nobody reads this post. It makes me ‘sick’, pardon the pun….

Paypal: paypal.me/iakovoskriegor

The media

I just read a story in the news about an ‘accused murderer who thought he was Jesus.’ He obviously was a schizophrenic like myself.

I don’t know how bad I’d be if I had starting taking drugs. Fortunately, most people socially reject me, so the criminals would stay away from me, which is a good thing.

Seems social rejection has its benefits as well. I still get socially rejected, not only because of my schizoaffective disorder, but also because of my autism spectrum disorder. So it is a double whammy.

But yeah, if I did go psychotic, I’d just hand myself over to the police. I like mental health jails. I like mental hospitals. Here, the hospitals are good quality. It’s kind of like summer camp.

But yeah, even when I’m not in the mental hospital, there’s nothing much to do in this city. This city is a medium sized town, which doesn’t even have an Orthodox monastery.

So things are pretty depressing. I’m just glad I take my medication instead of taking drugs.

Taking a bus

A big tough bus driver was angry with some kids on the bus, because they didn’t pay their fare. I know it was their fault, but most bus drivers are quite nice, and won’t argue if the person doesn’t have the correct fare.

My mental health was good, today. When I went to a protestant church today, I decided to cultivate the virtue of humility. I endured the limited social rejection by other people. Fortunately, a doctor, the pastor, and a Chinese lady said hi to me. I felt better.

Life isn’t so depressing when you have friends. But I have no discipline. I do not believe my life has a purpose. Well, at least one that I can get paid for. But my little activities add meaning to my life.

Such as this blog, for example. And the fact that I pray from an Orthodox prayer book. Sometimes I can feel better by helping a stranger, or even talking to them.

One time, a Korean lady didn’t know how to purchase a ticket from the ticket machine, so I helped her out. Her English was quite good. So she thanked me. I went on my way.

My birthday is coming up. Hopefully I can have a party with my family and friends. God bless everybody on Earth.

The cold of the soul

St Teresa of Calcutta (commonly known as ‘Mother Theresa’) felt the dark night of the soul. She often wrote about it in her works. I too, feel a dark night of the soul. But I feel better after a bit of prayer.

As St Dominic Savio used to pray ‘death, but not sin!’ If I can abstain from sin, then the dark night may be reduced. I think in my case, my depression is punitive, but also educative. It teaches me humility.

As Satan was bound and cast out of heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise we must have humility. Humility, in my case, is to accept the dark night of the soul, with all the depression it entails. Not to come down from my cross, but to stay on my cross.

I thank God for my dark night. It teaches me humility very well. I have some literature I can read to help me resist the temptation to come down from my cross.

Paypal: paypal.me/iakovoskriegor

I can play music

I felt I played this piece really well. I like this piece.

My hair was short after going to a barber who wouldn’t use scissors to cut the top of my head.

I used to play this piece often when I was a kid about 17 years ago. This was before my mental breakdown. I must of been manic back then.

Thank you all for your love and support!

Paypal: paypal.me/iakovoskriegor

I am a cow

I think old men sometimes have better flexibility than me. I wish I was more flexible.

I do not know if I already posted a blog with this video. If I did, here it is again for your convenience!

I think I can just barely kick above hip height on a good day.

I checked my weight on the scales. Just a bit under 122kg.

I still have trouble losing the weight. When I get sad and depressed, I often take extra meds, which further increases my appetite, which slows my weight-loss.

I wish I had better muscle tone. But it is ok, I just exercise for health.

The loss of love

No, this post is not about lost love. That is something different altogether. This post is about a morale failure, which happened to me back in 2006.

This is when I had my first mental breakdown. It showed that I had a total distrust in God, and that I was a coward, as I couldn’t cope with the basic activities of life.

I wish it had been different, and I had a diagnosis of depression instead of schizophrenia. Depressed people only have to take meds for a short while, whereas schizophrenics have to take medication lifelong.

But I hope none of my readers suffer a mental breakdown. Anti-psychotics have a huge range of unpleasant side effects, from shakes to weight gain.

But I need my pills, as I can not cope with life, or the day-to-day moments of life. I wish I had faith and trust in Jesus. It would make my life so much more manageable.

God bless you all!

Paypal link: paypal.me/iakovoskriegor