Reviewing my former martial arts videos

I don’t have a video to put in this post. I still have a YouTube channel, but I add very slowly to it, as I do not often exercise.

I think my weight is somewhere between 119 and 123kg. I can not get it lower than 118kg usually. If I want to lose weight, I have to starve myself.

I suppose everything is ok. Sometimes I’m lonely, but I comfort myself with contemplation, and with knowledge that I have quality friendships.

Contemplation, according to Catholicism, is just sitting still meditating, waiting for the call of God’s voice, or whatever religious themes come to mind when the mind is quiet. I started contemplating as best as I can today.

I am thankful that some people read my blog.

Oh, also, I can understand why so many people hate Christ. I have had a period where I hated Jesus, and looked more into Aaron Abke and law of attraction stuff. Now, I’m sort of open to both, but I try to pray to Jesus at least once a day.

The critical thing I take from law of attraction is ‘words have power. Don’t say bad things about yourself. They will end up becoming your reality.’

I am often self-deprecating, because my mental illness is incredibly severe. But I try to maintain a balanced, positive outlook on life, as much as I fail to do so.

Remember me in Your kingdom!

One of my friends online succumbed to her depression and committed suicide. Eternal be her memory.

We must always have humility. That is why I practice Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It means, I keep true to my values when being abused. Such as ‘turning the other cheek,’ and ‘understanding my neighbour.’

I do not want to go to hell like the rich man. Jesus said ‘he who endures to the end shall be saved.’ So I will keep taking medication, just to stay alive.

Oh, precious and life-saving humility! How thou maketh angels of men! Men occupy the place from which the demons fell, all because of humility!

Erotic hallucinations

I do not think that the reason most of the women rejected me was because I was ugly or fat. I think it was because I am schizophrenic. Most women associate violence with schizophrenia.

Yes, it is true, unless I’m fully medicated, I can be out of control. But on this last day before my depot, I’m happy to be single. Relationships are too stressful.

This is the point where my brain is actually producing enough happiness hormones for me to be happy.

I do have erotic hallucinations. I imagine women are looking at me in the shopping mall. I hallucinated that a woman said hello to me, when she actually didn’t.

I am shy, but I feel ok today. I’m not as depressed as other days.

It’s a nice feeling on the evening before the day I get my 70th depot, almost.

I have been given a lot of depots over the years. I support it when I am feeling depressed, so I know that even if I don’t want to take medication, I am given it without my consent. So that I never get to how bad I was either in 2012 or 2017, during my psychotic episodes.

Hope my blog post isn’t too boring.

Diary entries 17/06/21 to 23/06/21

17/06/21

I had a haircut today. I feel like a new man. My mom says I look 5 years younger.

Behold, I always practice diary writing to ensure my writing is always neat. Doctor’s writing is usually ineligible. Wow, if I’m not careful, my writing may be just as bad.

I introduced some Chinese people on qq to my WordPress. Hope it produces more traffic for my site.

22/06/21

Here I am, writing a diary entry at 9am in the morning. I slept very well last night, apart from having to get up every 5 hours to go to the toilet.

Yesterday was quite boring. I did art therapy and social tennis. I didn’t make a new friend.

23/06/21

Wow, it isn’t even 2022 yet. It is still 2021. I had bad dreams last night, in places that were far away earth-like realities. I woke up at 4am today, then went back to bed at 7am and slept for a long time after that. Coffee is affecting my sleep.

Diary entries 14/06/21 to 16/06/21

I want to re-commit to diary writing. I have left it off for over a year now.

14/06/21

Well, this is the 2nd journal I’m going through. I need to throw out this diary eventually too.

I surmise that Eckhart Tolle just believes in Jesus Christ as just a good man. Protestants and Orthodox alike would be furious at him for denying the Trinity. But they’d get furious at him and others for the most inconsequential of reasons. In my opinion, Jesus is God. But who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll deny Him.

15/06/21

I had a dream about hell last night. But I wasn’t in the deepest levels of hell, but the uppermost levels of hell, closest to God.

Maybe I’m not as bad as I surmise.

16/06/21

It is a day before I get a haircut. I also wonder whether I can get the Covid vaccine at my GP.

My life is long and arduous, even though I’m on the disability pension, with no obligation to look for work.

I just hope that today, as I go out, I can make a new friend. God bless me.

My previous posts

I look at the majority of my posts, and I realise I have managed to keep it largely together.

But nobody cares about this blog anyway.

I hardly even make new friends here.

It’s a lonely road.

I almost cried at the library today. I tried to keep it together. I just left when I was about to cry. I wanted to cry because I have few friends and very poor social connections.

I’m still very obese. My meds don’t make me want to practice abstinence via starvation. The only way to lose weight on medication is to starve yourself.

Life is very lonely. The fact I’m dishonoured doesn’t make it any easier.

Maybe I will go to my bedroom and pray.

I feel better today

I’m glad nobody cares for my ranting. You are all so kind to me.

I might ask the doctor for more anti-psychotics. I’m starting to get erotic hallucinations. I have a delusion that I’m God’s gift to women.

I hallucinated that a gorgeous young lady said hello to me at the bus stop. But when I talked to her, she seemed very disinterested. Not all is as it seems.

I’m plain ugly, that’s why.

Diary entry 21/10/22

Actually, I understand if people are afraid of me when I mention my disability. They assume ‘all schizophrenics are violent’ so they immediately shun me when they hear my diagnosis. But if you were an outcast and treated with contempt, how can you NOT be violent? Doesn’t everybody deserve respect?

Oh, I forgot what you as a society think. Everybody deserves respect. Except the mentally ill, the homeless, the disabled, the downtrodden, those who can’t stick up for themselves, etc.

If the modern person was treated with scorn and contempt wherever he went, wouldn’t he lash out or commit suicide? I am a very strong person for NOT committing suicide, despite the lack of Godly respect I receive from people often more stupid than I am!

I am also a SAINT because I simply let others walk over me, demonstrating my immense forgiveness and my perfect humility!

Anyway, enough about that. I sort of understand why people dislike the mentally ill, especially when prisons are full of them. One got executed recently for murdering his daughter while having a psychotic episode. But still, the mentally ill deserve much more respect.

You say ‘pity the jails are full.’ Well, sinner, it’s a pity HELL IS NEVER FULL.

Undefined

Pensacola Mountains by NASA Goddard Photo and Video is licensed under CC-BY 2.0

I used openverse for this picture of a mountain. I thought it was a nice pic.

I have not been bitten by the writing bug recently.

I remember when I was at art therapy a while back, I lacked inspiration about what to say, even to the art therapist. I just said most of the ideas on this blog are the same ideas I’ve presented to readers for a long time.

I say the same stuff over and over.

I prefer to be humble. Or if not humble, then self-deprecating. I try not to have an opinion about anything. I do my best not to offend anybody. Because I remember, if I offend too many people, I’ll be committed to a mental institution!

I usually go on about humility. But I think it is better to talk about the mountain. What a lovely mountain it is.

God bless you all.

I hope I didn’t offend anybody

I’m glad I get some traffic to my site. I am glad to all the people who subscribe to my blog.

I heard on the news about trolling in the UK. The trolling in the UK started on twitter and evolved into crimes in real life. I was so scared! I deserved something like that to happen to me, for all the good of my opinions.

I deserve a lot worse than what I get. I am glad God keeps me safe.

I am glad I live in a safe environment, and the memories of the bitter past are becoming more and more distant.

I try not to have much of an opinion. I just hope people notice the good stuff I’ve written rather than the garbage I’ve put on my blog.

God bless you all.