I’m a vcel, not an incel

Whenever I look up YouTube videos about Incels, I just laugh. Incel stands for involuntarily celibate, and they are very misogynistic. I always feel that they could find a relationship if they worked on their kindness levels and stopped being so bitter towards attractive women.

Personally, I don’t look at myself as an incel, but more a vcel, which I say is ‘voluntarily celibate.’ I don’t practice celibacy like a monk, but I just don’t approach women. And with good reason too. I have nothing to offer women. I have no substance to my character. I’m just a schizophrenic on a pension.

I can not make my own money, I can not drive a car, I am scared of calling emergency services. I am not brave enough to fight to protect my future girlfriend. I know all these things based on my first and only relationship. I was wasting her time.

I am not an incel, because I don’t hate women, as far as I’m aware. I bless women and men, especially people who scorn me. I accept the abuse of others, usually.

God bless all people.

I wish I had a title

My cousin and her family are over my place. They are a little loud, as my cousin’s children are very young.

We fed them pizza. They enjoyed the pizza. Gosh my sentences are short.

I wish I had a topic or a title today. I had no dreams last night that I remember or recall. So I received no divine insight or revelation.

When I encounter children, I really am thankful that I didn’t marry or have kids. Marriage and raising a family is just too stressful.

I miss the gift of the Holy Spirit. I mean, I miss when I had self-controlled mania. The last time I had that was in 2005. I lost my mind in February 2006. I personally wished my mania would never of ended. I thought of myself as ‘single for the sake of pleasing God.’ Now I realise I’m too ill to marry.

I miss my soul. I have an idea of what will happen to my soul after death. As Jesus said ‘be ye perfect, as your Father in heaven is perfect.’ I am not perfect. I can not love my enemies. But I’m getting better, with mindfulness meditation.

My cat Jerry

This is a huge pic of my cat Jerry. I always call this cat the cute rat. In reality, she is a very cute female cat. She sometimes acts like a kitten. She never wants to be picked up, she often squirms when she is picked up. I adore this cat. I wish she was more affectionate.

God bless the indo-pacific region

I pray there is no war in the Indo-pacific region. I know some of the countries squabble amongst each other, but there should be no reason for a war. I pray China may co-operate with neighbouring powers to achieve equitable outcomes for all.

I just hope my friends in China, Philippines and Australia have a good life, both here and hereafter. I can’t imagine my country surviving a war with any power. We are not as strong as our military likes to think. China may ruthlessly crush us one day, unless I pray daily for world peace.

Life is a nightmare. I hope the ruling elite may not destroy this world for the sake of their egos. I hope WW3 is not coming. I hope the nukes may not be set off. I pray the Lord Jesus Christ uses His creative energies to move the leaders of all nations to compassion.

I can barely function as a human being. What if my Disability Pension gets cut? What if my house is destroyed? What if my parents die of sickness and old age? I will die in the streets. I pray that my humility has protected my future.

I pray my friends may always have a source of income. I pray Australia doesn’t become a war-ravaged country like Ukraine.

I had a bad dream last night. I dreamt of trying to fish someone out of hell. I was too late! The unknown person had already gone to the depths of hell, I could not reach in to find him!

I entered a red portal to go to hell. I wasn’t in the lava, I was on a bridge over the lava. The person wasn’t on the bridge, he already had been dragged under. Then my commander went to hell. He sent me to hell too, as he revealed he too, was a Lord of hell. As if my problems weren’t big enough. But I eventually fell into the lava. I could not swim down, the pain was excruciating. My prayers weren’t strong.

Lord, please don’t kill us all! I know we have crucified Your Son over and over in our hearts, but please! Hold out Your mercy to the world, so a few may repent!

Give rest, oh God

Russian Orthodox Crosses by Keith Evans is licensed under CC-BY-SA 2.0

As the priest of the Russian Orthodox Church chanted at the Panahida of my dead grandma ‘Give rest, oh God, to thy servant who has fallen asleep,’ so we too remember the fall of our loved ones.

At a typical Orthodox cemetery, we will have an Orthodox Cross at each gravesite. The first horizontal bar is where the sign ‘King of the Jews’ was written in Hebrew, Greek and Latin. The second horizontal bar is where His hands were nailed. The third bar is where His feet were nailed.

In the Orthodox church, we don’t believe in Cremation, as we believe in the resurrection of the soul and the body. I don’t know much about the specifics. Sometimes I want to go back to the protestant churches, but when I wake up in the morning, God renews my energy and I feel ok to continue walking an Orthodox life.

I must admit, I joined the Orthodox church for a reason. I also should stay in the Orthodox church so I can be buried alongside my mother’s relatives. My mom is Russian Orthodox.

As much as I am tempted to meet Koreans at the Korean Presbyterian Church, I’d prefer to stay Orthodox, as the Korean women would just insult me, due to my disabilities. If I wanted to meet Asian women, I can go to the Russian Orthodox Churches in my city.

Give rest, oh saviour God, to thy servants who have fallen asleep.

It takes a long time

It takes a long time to cultivate any sort of humility. But, as our conscience bears witness, we should have humility in all situations. As God is supremely humble, so we too, should be humble, at least in a minor degree.

I’m getting over the traumas of old, but sometimes, the memories of the bad things I’ve done is too much for me. As I always say ‘better he who has never sinned than he who has sinned and repented.’

I committed many embarrassing things when I was not taking medication. How did I not know that I was schizophrenic and direly afflicted? Now, I’m beginning to cultivate a shred of humility.

I wish life was laid out for me like a red carpet. But then, how would I develop as an individual? How would I make progress, that I could offer to God, as a living sacrifice?

I can barely stand up on my own two feet. Yet somehow, through medication and God’s grace, I manage to cope, with the help of my parents.

Even though I need medication, I miss the days before I had to take medication. Before 16 years old, I never knew what medication was. I never knew the side effects it would have on my body. I sincerely wished I had enough positive philosophy to cope without medication.

Maybe, in a different reality, there is a me that copes without medication. Maybe, in a parallel universe, I am working a job. Maybe I am younger. Maybe I’m more handsome. But not in this reality.

Beautiful images

Yay! I managed to use something else apart from google image search to find an image for my blog. I used something within WordPress itself to find this lovely picture of Earth from outer space.

Sunrise On Planet Earth by NASA Johnson is licensed under CC-BY-NC 2.0

As much as we feel our life on Earth is a very big deal, we are only tiny compared to the universe. We are only a single person on a massive ball of rock in a solar system that is only one of hundreds of thousands of solar systems in this galaxy. And we still think our problems are very large!

Likewise, our lifetime of sins is only a drop in the ocean (or universe) of God’s infinite love. We don’t get punished by God, we punish ourselves. The love that God shows us ashames us, and makes us want to run from the God who loves us.

I don’t know how to explain it well. I try my best not to force my beliefs down anybody’s throats. I hope people can forgive me for being too dogmatic at times.

This photo reminds me that God is amazing.

A farming game

I think this is called Farm Dream: Village Harvest. It’s a nice alternative to Farmville. I usually play this game several times a day. It takes a long time for anything to get done. But that is a farming game for you.

I renewed my premium subscription last night. Now, it is morning, and I have an unwanted cat in the computer room. He usually marks his territory too much, due to stress caused by the other cats. God bless him.

I am glad now he is only grooming himself, not marking his territory. But his licking sounds a lot like peeing.

Maybe I’ll continue paying for premium

My friend recommended that I keep maintaining this blog. That friend said I have an interesting blog. I hope other people feel the same way.

Even though I have a YouTube channel, I can’t edit videos. I do better editing blogs, as they have similar tools to the stuff I learnt at primary and high school. YouTube is too advanced for me.

On my YouTube channel, my Tai Chi and Tae Kwon Do is not too good. I am glad I’ve only got trolled a few times on YouTube. It teaches me humility.

I’m learning to love everybody who I’ve ever met. Well, at least to bless those who have socially rejected or offended me. I think that is enough for humility.

Forgive, and you shall be forgiven, said the Son of God. Buddha once said ‘if you can not help anybody, at least do no harm.’ I will bless my enemies from a distance. Fortunately the medication keeps me from getting angry.

I’m glad war has not so far come to Australia. We are in the early voting stage for another federal election. I just hope the new government will continue honouring people’s freedoms and giving welfare to the disadvantaged. I just hope no new government makes me pay back the money I’ve collected from the Disability Pension.

Life is cold and lonely, and sometimes I want to overeat. But in the last 2 days I’ve been eating salads, so they have mostly been helping my mind. It gives me positive energy.

I wish my soul would look up with the eyes of faith and stop being so downcast. But maybe this trial is sent by God to teach me humility.

I really wish I didn’t consume so many resources.

It is all my fault

I have been taught again and again by God not to exalt myself above others or God Himself, yet I never learn. God has now punished me with a pilonidal sinus, during the worst part of the year, where we, as a nation, go to the polls on May 21st. I can’t specifically remember the date, so bear with me.

Fortunately, early voting starts on May 9th, so hopefully tomorrow I’ll just go to the early voting to get it out of the way, as I had a panic attack last night. I had a dream last night that I was never going to find another girlfriend and I especially needed a wife who was a nurse or a doctor to be able to fix me when I’m feeling sick ie. having a pilonidal sinus.

I won’t define a pilonidal sinus for you, it is so gross, if you need to know, look it up on Wikipedia. You can only handle it if you are a medical professional. I’m the one with it, and I can barely handle it, even though it is not painful. It is just as bad as when Kryton from Red Dwarf finds out that all human males have a small third leg (unless somebody cut it off, like an ex gf LOL.) I am like a comedian sometimes.

But God is punishing me now, as I never respected everybody that I ever knew. I should have warm, cuddly feelings for everybody, even the men and women who have scorned me in the past. Doesn’t mean I should reach out to them, it just means I should always bless them in private. As God said ‘Love your enemies, love your neighbour as yourself.’

Lord! Have mercy!