Positive outlook

Well, I don’t feel 100% positive, although a lot of people right now are coping with life quite well. I am not one of them.

I did feel quite good after seeing the priest today. We talked about monasticism. Monasticism is the concept of becoming a monk or nun and living separate from the community to give oneself up to fasting and prayer.

I can not become a monk, as I eat too much. My illness isn’t stressing me at the moment, so I eat whenever I feel hungry. I try my best to resist my appetite as much as possible, to no avail.

Some of my friends don’t read my blog. I accept that. Some of my friends don’t read at all. Their loss.

I do not know what my next psychotic episode could look like, if I were to reduce the medication. I best just be content on my current dose of medication.

I dreamt about somebody last night

This dream may be offensive to some viewers. I dreamt about my married female Chinese friend. I dreamt that she was promiscuous before marriage and settled down when she married her husband. This is a classic case of redpill-blackpill ideology of the ‘modern woman.’ In reality, my female friend was conservative before and after marriage. She practiced pre-marital and post-marital continence.

What is surprising was that in the dream, the lady who I thought was my friend often had her face altered during the dream, to represent other women who I’d seen in the past, who I have forgotten. While I won’t go into what these women were ‘wearing’ in my dream, you could say I’m a very impure man.

The blackpill YouTube channels often site theories that the ‘modern women’ like to party in their 20s and sleep with as many hot guys as they like, then they like to settle down with a ‘beta-provider’ in their 30s. I’m sure this is not true in many cases. Some women fear men. Others are busy with studies. Some are experiencing anxiety and depression, and having a boyfriend would just make things worse.

I really shouldn’t be having these kinds of dreams. Most nights, I dream about monasteries, and getting rejected by them. During the other half of last night I dreamt about being in a monastery with brothers which was like an ordinary house in the community, and I couldn’t remember the formal titles to call these monks! I was worried they’d scold me, like in cadets, if I didn’t call them by their proper titles.

Gosh, my dreams are weird. Maybe I should practice as much celibacy as possible. Forgive me for my offensive post.

A cold spring night

The nights should be unbearably hot at this time of year. I’m glad to get some relief. At the end of October, things in Brisbane will be unbearably hot. But sometimes, I like hot weather. It means I don’t have to put jumpers on, which I’m lazy to do.

It is a public holiday today. I feel a little subdued. I was feeling good during part of the day, then I was shouting at voices in my head, then I calmed back down. I really wish I didn’t have rapid mood swings.

I wish I could become a Saint. But what does that even mean? I guess I just want to be praised for something. I do not even believe I will enter the Lord’s rest. Why? The prayers of the people I’ve hurt in the past have reached the Lord of Sabaoth, and He inflicts pain upon me, because of my evil I did to others in primary and high school.

I confess, when I remember the things I used to do in high school and primary school, that I do need punishment. As I sometimes say to Jesus ‘punish me in this life, and not the next!’ I really wish I had come to obey Jesus in early primary school, before my wickedness had reached a certain level, to require a certain punishment.

But most of all, my conscience is in pain. I wish I had not hit other students in primary and high school. It is a shameful behaviour, to get violent, all because they said something rude. I should of been better than that long ago.

Forgive me, oh God.

Cringe

I read about post stealing on a friend’s blog, and I thought ‘well, I wish I was popular enough for people to want to post steal from me.’ But I guess my blogs are just cringe. I am so cringe.

My blogs are so cringe that nobody wants to post steal from me. I don’t really understand how it works. My blogs must be pretty boring. Maybe it is just because I’m an incel lol.

Anyway, keep up the good work, my fans. You are all awesome. Plus, it takes only the literacy of a year 8 student to write my blogs. Lol.

God bless everybody. Iakovos out.

My cadet experience

I don’t remember much of it now, but I served as a cadet between April 2005 and February 2006. I wonder if it contributed to my breakdown.

I remember the warrant officer saying while I was on drill ‘something’s wrong with that cadet.’ I remember another warrant officer saying ‘I’m going to murder you.’

I’m glad to have that cadet experience. It taught me not to join the real army.

I remember a lot of shouting done by the senior cadets at the junior cadets. I even was involved in a car crash where I got a minor laceration to the side of my head! It was the CO’s fault that the car crashed at wide bay training area.

My mum was particularly angry with the CO because of that. I told him to give her a call, to explain what exactly happened in that car.

Maybe the minor laceration also contributed to my schizophrenia.

I actually liked the CO. He did shout at the cadet squadron once, after the car crash. He was stressed out of his brains.

I did not want to sue him. As it is written ‘turn the other cheek.’ I’m paying for the consequences up to this date. But I might of received all this because I’m a bad person, who used to bully people in primary and high school.

I guess I’m not virtuous.

This is the day of my depot. Wish me luck.

Last day before my overdue depot

Well, I was hoping I wasn’t going manic. On some days, I am feeling really stressed, with a painful feeling in my chest, on other days, I seem to talk too much.

Usually my problems compound after the 3rd week of being on the depot. My depot is currently set for every 4 weeks, but according to a mental health professional, the depot should stay in my system for at least 5 weeks. But it is recommended I at least take my depot every 28 days.

I was watching something about Johnny Bravo being an incel on YouTube. It lifted my spirits and gave me something to laugh at. I am not the ‘King’ of the incels, I’m just a medicated incel, so hopefully I won’t get angry at anybody. I keenly remember the wrong things said to me by other people when I’m in a sour mood.

Medication is a great chemical lobotomy. It prevents me from expressing extreme emotion. It is like an emotional flattener.

The world could do with more humility. I am glad to be a limited example of humility to others in my life and at church. But it is more of a lobotomy than true humility. Anyway, back to my life of being an incel. Ciao!

Worried about conscription

I hope that if Australia goes to war in WW3, I won’t get called upon to serve. I have 7 months worth of cadet experience in a training facility in Brisbane. I served there when I was manic. I hated it. It probably contributed to my schizophrenia.

The best thing about being in cadets was I learnt to appreciate the other 6 days of the week when I wasn’t at cadets. Cadets normally occurred once a week on a Friday. I was so skinny back then from stress.

I do not support the war in Ukraine, nor the Russian military draft. Putin has a big ego…

I am not feeling mentally well

It is Wednesday night. I get my depot next Monday. But the 28th day after my depot is tomorrow. So my depot will be 4 days late. I am not feeling too well.

Tomorrow in Australia is the Queen’s National Day of Mourning. God bless her. Eternal be the Queen’s memory.

Sure wish I had a courageous soul. But my soul is frail, shaken, and uneasy.

The war in Ukraine, the rise of communist China, all these things make me uneasy. God have mercy on Earth.

On pride

I have delusions that I am a Saint. I also have delusions that I will go to hell, although that might not be so much of a delusion.

Since I have so much pride, I certainly will not be able to access God’s healing presence. Nothing casts out God’s spirit than pride. Maybe I’m wrong, I’d love to hear everybody’s input.

Bishop Fulton Sheen said in one of his books that the proud man can not receive God’s mysteries, as he tramples God under foot. That’s why I try to do all the good I can, so that when I die, I may have a comprehension of my own nothingness, and my inability to do any good apart from God. Jesus said ‘apart from me, you can do nothing.’

Oh yeah, Bishop Fulton Sheen said that mental disorders may be caused by unresolved guilt. Although I’ve confessed most of my sins to Orthodox priests, I still feel guilty.

Sorry, I have no content worthy of mentioning. I feel a bit slow today.

Online Trolling

In my personal opinion, online trolling on YouTube is a lot worse than trolling on qq or wechat. Qq and wechat are Chinese social media platforms.

In the Chinese messaging systems, you know who the trolls are. I treated them like family, until they decided to show explicit sexual images to me. Then I block them. But otherwise I’d be able to bless those who cursed me. It is more difficult to bless people in real than online, as people in real could hit you.

I haven’t become holy enough to ‘turn the other cheek’. But I have reduced a large portion of my ego online. Oh, the trolls would carry on! They make fun of my disabilities, even saying that I can ‘snap out of it.’ How they don’t understand mental illness!

But otherwise, I’d say statements like ‘forgive me, it is all my fault,’ ‘yes, yes, these accusations are just and true,’ or ‘have mercy on me.’ I learnt these things somewhere on Orthodoxy online.

But trolling is a lot worse on YouTube. They know English well, so they can have unlimited narcissism.

I wrote this post at a friend’s request. Chao!