Diary entries 17/06/21 to 23/06/21

17/06/21

I had a haircut today. I feel like a new man. My mom says I look 5 years younger.

Behold, I always practice diary writing to ensure my writing is always neat. Doctor’s writing is usually ineligible. Wow, if I’m not careful, my writing may be just as bad.

I introduced some Chinese people on qq to my WordPress. Hope it produces more traffic for my site.

22/06/21

Here I am, writing a diary entry at 9am in the morning. I slept very well last night, apart from having to get up every 5 hours to go to the toilet.

Yesterday was quite boring. I did art therapy and social tennis. I didn’t make a new friend.

23/06/21

Wow, it isn’t even 2022 yet. It is still 2021. I had bad dreams last night, in places that were far away earth-like realities. I woke up at 4am today, then went back to bed at 7am and slept for a long time after that. Coffee is affecting my sleep.

1st of October

I sort of feel alright today. I went to a Russian Orthodox Church today.

I just wanted to share some wisdom for Christians suffering from mental health issues. God doesn’t expect much from you. The writings you find on the internet, which are written by Saints, are meant to be for those who have got it all together in their lives.

God won’t expect so much from someone who can’t perform so well in life. So my friends, take heart, God will show all of us mercy.

God has already taught us much humility. God will repay us, both here and in the next life.

The Jewish law was for those who break the law, such as unethical people, bad people. We will be shown much kindness, as God doesn’t expect us to perform as well as a person without mental health issues.

Sorry, my iteration has not been very good. I hope I got my point across.

I know some of you may be despairing now, but just practise some mindfulness, take some medicine, time heals all wounds.

It’s just a state of mind

I pray mercy for all my family, friends and enemies. I pray especially for those I have not perfectly forgiven. I pray they have peace and joy, both here and in the next life.

I don’t understand how some people enjoy life, while I am semi-miserable, and require constant medicating to be able to cope with life.

Maybe some happy people can not understand how some people can have schizophrenia.

When you are born, you become eternal. Death is not the end. We exist for eternity. We all have a beginning, yet we live forever, in a place of joy, or in a place of pain. I pray nobody goes to hell.

War Planet

I think this game is called War Planet Online: Global Conquest. I downloaded it for free from the play store. It has in-app purchases.

I was about to call it Warcraft or something. LOL.

I have played it for a very long time. Much like I have played the mods for Civ 4 for a very long time.

I wish the combat was quicker in Civ 4 and Civ 5. I haven’t downloaded Civ 6 because I want to save money for a rainy day.

Diary entries 7/4/21 to 16/4/21

These have been edited to avoid naming people or places, and to minimise personal or inappropriate content.

7/4/21

Life, at this point, is still a nightmare. My dad is taking me for my depot injection of anti-psychotic medication. I wish I could cope without medication, but I’m not strong enough.

11/4/21

It is nearly half way through autumn. It is noticeably cooler than summer. I really miss grandma. But I know she had to go, as she was getting more frail.

I sinned by not going to the funeral of my late grandma. But nobody, who I’ve observed, takes Jesus seriously. The fire, Gehenna, how could we not silence ourselves and turn towards Jesus! It’s silly not to fear God! It’s silly to sin!

I don’t believe in justification by faith alone, no matter how much my relative’s friends support it.

16/4/21

This was a silly day today. I laughed at my imagination out loud I must confess. I really am insane. The medication doesn’t seem to be working fully.

Some kid nearly stuffed the library toilet with paper. Luckily the flush was more powerful. Damn kids.

I’m currently reading the poetic works of Henry Lawson. He must of been related to a person I knew from high school.

It is a cool, humid night….

I noticed my most viewed blog post recently was ‘weak sparring.’ I believe the title sums it up in its entirety.

To be good at hand-to-hand combat, you got to be a tough guy. I am not a tough guy.

I was viewing videos about the selection process women and men use to get dates. Women are a huge amount more picky than guys. It is not the 20/80 rule, on tinder it is the 2/98 rule. I believe that rule is the top 20% of guys get 80% of the women, well on tinder, the top 2% of guys get 98% of the women.

Some guys go on tinder for years without getting a single date. Whereas a woman will have multiple sexual partners through tinder. I just hope the women don’t fall ill due to STIs.

Me? I’m a virgin. It is something I’m proud of, as I do not want to take the risk. I don’t want to become a father, as I’m practically useless. If my local church wouldn’t hire me as a minister, how would you expect me to get a job flipping burgers at my local McDonald’s?

In some ways, you got to be a tough guy to be attractive to a potential mate. The alpha males get women easily. I am not a Chad. I believe the proper name for me is ‘soyboy.’

Lord, have mercy on all the souls that are destined for hell, including my own.

My birthday

Dear WordPress. This morning is a good morning. I am sort of forgiving my enemies. My medication seems to be doing its job.

I had a birthday celebration on the 25th of September, as my birthday is on the 27th of September. It was fun for a brief moment of my existence. I just wish I had the capacity to achieve theosis.

Life is either boring or a nightmare. For me, it is more boring, as my medication is finally working.

It is the school holidays now. Maybe after art therapy I will spend time in the library reading my books. Wish me luck! God bless you all.

5 days before Christmas

I am 29 years old and on a high dose of anti-psychotic medication. I try to keep my faith alive in Christ, but although my fear of hell is not lessening, I surely am driven to despair.

I judge my neighbor. I bear hatred and resentment against most who have ever offended me. I do not do the works of righteousness, even much less than many people. I pray God will deliver me.

God has shown me in life, that even after death, we still exist. He has created all humans for eternity, to populate His Kingdom, regardless of whether we like it or not.

Life is continual. The state we are in when we die is the state we will be in in eternity. So, if we hate our relative at the point of death, then we will burn forever in our own hatreds.

God has given each of us enough time to repent, to read the bible, to do the works fitting of righteousness. While some are like me, and despair, we are given such trials to make us stronger.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have supported me throughout the years. They know who they are.

Pray for me. God bless you.

Masturbation, the futility of despair

There was once a handsome gentleman called James. He was in love with a beautiful woman named Audrey. She had beautiful long black hair, and she was perfect in beauty and holiness. They agreed they would not have sex before marriage. So they existed together in perfect communion and bliss.

But one day, James met another girl called Luxifu. She was not as beautiful as Audrey, but she was sexy and hot, and seduced James to lie with her. After he had committed this wicked act, he rushed towards Audrey, and falling on his knees, said ‘Audrey! I have played the harlot with another woman, I am no longer worthy to be your fiance. But please, have mercy on me, and through your prayers grant me the strength to resist this evil woman who has seduced me.’ Audrey, without losing her cool, said ‘I forgive you, go your way sin no more.’

No sooner had he said these awe-inspiring words, and deleted Luxifu’s number out of his contact list, that Luxifu met him in the back alley, and used her erotic charm to seduce him once again. He lied with her again, and then she mysteriously left. But he remembered Audrey, and this awful sin he committed against her, and so phoned her and said ‘I have sinned this great sin again, I am no longer worthy to be called your servant.’ And Audrey said ‘I will pray for you, that you be no longer tormented by her.’

After Audrey and James’s reconciliation, as he was walking along the street, Luxifu appeared to James. James recoiled in horror, and told her ‘Get away from me! I already have a fiancee!’ Luxifu said ‘You can not resist me. Come with me, and let us take our share of love on the bed of your house.’ So he committed adultery yet again. Yet afterward he would always come back to Audrey, weeping, and beg her forgiveness. This behavior happened not for one or two years, but for more than ten years.

After all this, James ran back to Audrey, asking her forgiveness. And just as he was about to ask Audrey’s forgiveness, Luxifu came into the room, and began to beat James severely. As he was lying on the ground, black and blue, she turned to Audrey and said ‘What will become of the two of us, Shangdi Audrey? Your mercy and compassion takes the ground I have gained in this man’s soul. Why don’t you just burn him up? He has cheated on you for 10 years, yet you still love and adore him.’

‘In what way can you be called a just judge, Audrey? While I was cast out of heaven for a little breach of pride, to this man, a fornicator, sodomite and prodigal, you calmly show your sympathy and kindness. For as I see it, you receive individual people with great kindness, but ignore justice in general.’ Luxifu was fuming with rage and contempt, while a black flame poured from her nostrils.

Audrey then spoke back to Luxifu. ‘Oh all cunning and ruinous dragon, are you not yet satisfied with your destructive desire to gobble up the whole world? Can you, by making him sin, tip the scales of justice against the blood I shed on the cross? Behold my murder and my death, which I endured because I love this man.’

‘You, when you seduce him, never turn him away or cause him to repent. So likewise, I, who counselled my beloved friend Peter to forgive 77 times 7, neither turn him away, nor shun his prayers, or his pleas for my mercy.’

‘We have heard all that you say, oh seducer, that I am not just. On the contrary, I am just beyond all. In whatever state I find a man, there I will judge him. See James’s repentance, which he has shown towards me, entreating my forgiveness, and thereby having conquered you. He never lost his love for me, despite your seductions, for which he is honoured. As for you, may your hate be shred to pieces and you disgraced.’

Suddenly Luxifu started to burn, burn with unbelievable heat, which devoured her, until she exploded. Audrey touched James, lifted him up, and healed his wounds. Then they got married, and James was never unfaithful to Audrey again.