My destructive blog

Sometimes I have good days. Usually I have bad days. I know this doesn’t sound like much, but it does impact the way I write on my blog.

Sometimes I’m magnanimous, sometimes I’m vainglorious. I really should be trying to keep myself to myself. I do so, especially when I am out. I feel particularly unsafe on public transport. I’m sure the drivers feel that way, too.

I have not much to say on humility. Nearly all people can not implement the writings of the desert fathers onto their lives. Most people do not want to be Saints. Those that do, do not know how to be, nor can they be.

To be a Saint just involves being kind and courteous in all situations, including the ones where we are tired or stretched beyond our limit. That’s why I can not put in too many hours at my psycho-social rehabilitation facility, as the mentally ill people there often grind my gears.

If you want to give up in life, have some humility and seek treatment from the mental health system. This is not the initial piece of advice I’d give, but it is only used when the person is so severely ill that nothing can get him or her out of that depressive cycle.

I really hope the suicide rate in all countries goes down. Through the prayers of the blessed virgin, Amen.


My mission

What is your mission?

My mission is to get some relief in the lake of fire by doing as much good as I can in this life, such as almsgiving and helping others, notably my parents.

I don’t have much time to chat, as I’m going with dad out somewhere. God bless you all.

My lack of purpose

The voices called me both a ‘vomiting hero’ and that I was ‘wasting everybody’s time.’ I heard the ‘vomiting hero’ voice from a clinician at a general practice, and the ‘wasting everybody’s time’ voice from a priest at a Greek church.

Thus, the demons, being voices, show me my weaknesses. They were essentially saying ‘You’re a glutton!’ and ‘stop bothering Christians at the Greek church!’ Even the demons are shocked by my sins.

Well, the more I stress out, the less I’ll eat. I suppose I can give up going to church. They weren’t nice to me at the church anyway.

Another voice said ‘he’s weird’ at one of the parks near my home. The demons must have a lot of reasons to accuse me.

Sometimes the demons speak to me. I see their malice. How they fell from heaven. How they want all of humanity to end up in hell, just to punish and torment them.

But according to some writings of the Orthodox Saints, the demons act as ‘God’s avenger.’ The demons, as well as people, can teach me a lot of humility! I should shut my mouth, and not contribute my opinion.

On my unforgivable sin

‘Jesus is asking a bit much,’ St Mother Teresa, on her deathbed.

Dear Risen Lord Jesus Christ

I didn’t do your will. I didn’t bless you as God.
Now I’m in hell, suffering for my sins.
No, I am not dead, but your mercy torments me, as I can not reach my grandma, nor the others who have died.

Maybe I will get some relief, when I am in the actual hell.
I will see some of the people I’ve loved, who weren’t good enough for You.
I prayed everyday for my family, and my dead relatives
Only to find out that, my prayers were offensive to you.

I wish I could of done your will. I wish I could of been holy.
But my righteousness was never enough. I didn’t go enough times to church.
I didn’t pray enough. I didn’t fast enough. My mental illness kept me back
from wholeheartedly following your will.

I’m in hell, and I say ‘thank you God.’
Your will is done, both in heaven and in hell.

On the nature of God

I will quote what I remember Archbishop Lazar Puhalo saying about God, which gives great encouragement to us:

‘God doesn’t send anybody to hell
God doesn’t punish us either in this world or the world to come
And as St Anthony the Great says
It would be great error to think that God could love people in hell any less than He could love people in heaven
Because hell is a condition, it’s not a place
The malice we feel, is the fire that burns
The malice in our own conscience’

By Lazar Puhalo

Turning the other cheek

In a secularized and ungodly workforce, Christians do need to stand up for themselves, unless they have obtained the mother of all virtues: humility. I will give you an explanation from the desert fathers.

A monk was in the desert. He had a small hut with a few small things. Thieves came upon him and beat him up. He prayed in the corner as they took his belongings. Then he noticed that they forgot a small flask that was left on the doorframe. So he ran after them, carrying the flask. not to ask them for his stuff back, but to say ‘hey! You forgot this!’ They were surprised by his humility and gave him his stuff back and became his disciples, saying ‘This truly is a man of God.’

This wouldn’t work for most people, as despite how much you mostly like to say it, most of you do still spit in the face of God. In fact, you mostly all spit in the face of God! The last Saint died back in the 19th century, when these holy miracles happened! So go on, stand up for yourself!

Enter hell with all humility, if only to get a reduced sentence from Jesus.

Remember me in Your kingdom!

One of my friends online succumbed to her depression and committed suicide. Eternal be her memory.

We must always have humility. That is why I practice Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It means, I keep true to my values when being abused. Such as ‘turning the other cheek,’ and ‘understanding my neighbour.’

I do not want to go to hell like the rich man. Jesus said ‘he who endures to the end shall be saved.’ So I will keep taking medication, just to stay alive.

Oh, precious and life-saving humility! How thou maketh angels of men! Men occupy the place from which the demons fell, all because of humility!

God won’t necessarily ‘heal’ you

Sometimes God won’t heal us. Sometimes depression teaches us humility. As satan was bound and cast out from heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise we must have humility. Justification by faith alone is a heresy. I will explain below.

‘Faith without works is dead,’ James 2:17. So we need the works of faith to be saved. I remember that popular verse in Ephesians which protestants love to quote ‘we are saved by grace alone through faith, and not by works of the law, so that no one should boast.’ The works of the law St Paul was talking about was works of the Jewish law, we still need to do works of faith to enter heaven.

St John the Baptist and the Lord Jesus Christ both said at the start of their ministries ‘repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.’ Repentance is a work of faith. Unless you repent to a degree of perfection, then you will not get into heaven. ‘Be ye perfect, as your Father in heaven is perfect.’ Jesus meant you HAVE to be minimally perfect to get into heaven. If your prayers don’t heal the sick, you don’t have enough works.

There are degrees of perfection, and there are degrees of sin, or imperfection. God is more perfect than the Virgin Mary. The Virgin Mary is more perfect than the cherubim and seraphim. The angels are more perfect than the 6th century Saints. The 6th century Saints were more perfect than the 19th century Saints. The 19th century Saints are more perfect than our contemporary Saints on Earth. The present day elders on Mount Athos are definitely more perfect than any Protestant!

So, since we have established that you need works to get into heaven, I will explain the source of all works, that is, ‘humility.’ Humility is the mother of all virtues. Protestants don’t have this virtue, so most of them will be turned away from the great wedding feast in heaven. Humility is not when you say to yourself that you are the worst of sinners. It is when others say you are the worst of sinners, and you accept it and bless and forgive them from the heart. No protestant can take insults or beatings like an Orthodox Saint can.

So that’s why God doesn’t necessarily fix mental illness. It is to prevent the sinner from falling into a worse sin, that is, pride. God may not heal you for the rest of your life, so your punishment in hell will be reduced, or, by a miracle only known to God, you may be accepted into heaven!

About my ideas

Ok, so I was glancing back at a few of my blog posts and remembered one where I claimed I was perfect.

I believe when you come across most of the posts of mine, you should take it with a grain of salt. I know I can not get through the aerial toll-houses.

So, in my schizophrenia, I have delusions that I am perfect, a Saint, but yet going to hell. Hell is a reality I believe in, because I find it very very hard to forgive others. Jesus said ‘forgive, and you shall be forgiven.’ St Francis of Assisi said ‘for it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.’

My own self has become hell, as I venerate myself, just so I don’t break down and cry when thinking of the amount of dishonour I’ve received as a disabled person.

I think a desert father once said ‘you know a man is overcome by the spirit of vainglory when he cries at the many insults he has received.’ I actually don’t know how to overcome vainglory, or pride.

St John Cassian in his ‘conferences’ tells monks to ‘avoid bishops and women,’ to overcome vainglory. I will ask my priest what that means.

Ok that last factoid about the conferences I’m not 100% sure about.

I’m just a schizophrenic who reads a lot of religious texts.


The world suffers from a lack of love. Nobody cares about others. Everybody cares only about themselves. It truly is a lonely world.

I wish I could inspire some people to follow Christ wholeheartedly, as there is no point to life apart from following Jesus. It is like the advice at the end of Ecclesiastes: Serve God, keep His commandments.’ This is precisely what we must do.

The church may be the bride of Christ, but it still isn’t perfect. Many priests and faithful have turned people off going to church. But God is not to blame, we are to blame.

I pray you may all repent, and find joy in serving Christ.