Give rest, oh God

Russian Orthodox Crosses by Keith Evans is licensed under CC-BY-SA 2.0

As the priest of the Russian Orthodox Church chanted at the Panahida of my dead grandma ‘Give rest, oh God, to thy servant who has fallen asleep,’ so we too remember the fall of our loved ones.

At a typical Orthodox cemetery, we will have an Orthodox Cross at each gravesite. The first horizontal bar is where the sign ‘King of the Jews’ was written in Hebrew, Greek and Latin. The second horizontal bar is where His hands were nailed. The third bar is where His feet were nailed.

In the Orthodox church, we don’t believe in Cremation, as we believe in the resurrection of the soul and the body. I don’t know much about the specifics. Sometimes I want to go back to the protestant churches, but when I wake up in the morning, God renews my energy and I feel ok to continue walking an Orthodox life.

I must admit, I joined the Orthodox church for a reason. I also should stay in the Orthodox church so I can be buried alongside my mother’s relatives. My mom is Russian Orthodox.

As much as I am tempted to meet Koreans at the Korean Presbyterian Church, I’d prefer to stay Orthodox, as the Korean women would just insult me, due to my disabilities. If I wanted to meet Asian women, I can go to the Russian Orthodox Churches in my city.

Give rest, oh saviour God, to thy servants who have fallen asleep.

4 days until my depot

Life is pretty dreary as usual. But at least, on the highest dose of medication, I am not hallucinating people making threats to me in the street, or having delusions that the police are gathering evidence to put me in prison. When you hallucinate all the time, it greatly reduces the quality of your life. It is a cross that not even Jesus or the virgin mary were willing to bear. In some ways, I am more pious than them.

I don’t think the Saints of the roman catholic or orthodox church could of accomplished their God-given missions if they suffered from mental illness. The Saints in Russia never visited mentally ill people, the mentally ill were always shut up in low quality mental institutions back then, screaming their heads off. It most likely seemed like God has truly handed the mentally ill (including myself) over to satan.

Sometimes I say to myself ‘God is lazy’ ‘God is lazy.’ I am comparing Him to the Queensland Police Service, the mental health system, and the social services system. But God would just say ‘all bad things are to teach everybody humility, so they will not go to such a deep level of hell if they got handed everything on a silver platter.’ The demons received countless gifts from God as angels before they sinned, so their guilt at having rejected the author of life is increased tenfold by ten.

God is doing His best, as much as a disapprove of His methods, to ensure people are as least demonic as possible in the hour of their deaths. Ie, if Donald Trump got everything he wanted, he would owe a lot more for God, so in his rejection of God, he would go to a very very deep level of hell. But since he experiences pain in this life, he will only go to a deep level of hell, rather than a very very deep level of hell.

Likewise, God will not attribute much blame to me, because God afflicted me heavily in this life, to minimize my torment in the next. I may even go to heaven! But probably not.

If we remember our sins, God will forget them

If we remember our sins, God will forget them. Thus said the wise and holy St John Chrysostom. If you watch this video, you will see a glimpse into the Orthodox mindset.

Although I am a sinner, and unworthy of being in the least way a messenger of truth, I still admire and strongly advocate the Nicodemus Hagiorite and Gregory Decapolite YouTube channels.

I have spoken at time to the founder of these sites by email. He tells me not to despair. He is quite a kind and soft spoken guy. His name is Constantine Zalalas. He lives to teach others about Orthodoxy.

God bless us all.

I’m undateable

I was watching a YouTube clip from Better Bachelor, and the presenter said he had never been happier since his divorce. He could do whatever he wanted around his house, he didn’t have to share his money with anybody, he didn’t have to go through another amicable divorce. He liked being single.

After watching that YouTube clip, I realised how much better off I am. After my ex borrowed money off me and never gave it back, I’m glad I gave her some almsgiving. As much as I miss her, I am kind of happy that she left me and got married to someone else.

But all things that happen to me in this life are God attempting to teach me humility, so that I may not judge or curse another in thought, word or deed. God is particularly good at teaching people humility. He teaches it through natural disasters, loss of loved ones, failed business exploits, mental breakdowns, foreign invasions, and everything that society would call ‘bad.’ God uses bad things to teach us humility, so we’d stop spitting in God’s face.

Each time we sin, we spit in God’s face, we dishonour him on that cross. I worried one time that each sin I committed increased Christ’s torment in hell. Such was my zeal, before my mental breakdown! I wish I could stop sinning! But my heart is not right with God, as much as I’m more humble than 16 years ago.

But, my friends, please pursue humility. You will be glad you did on your deathbed. You will be glad you cultivated love for God and neighbour in heaven.

More on humility

Today is Sunday, otherwise known as church day. I probably won’t go to church, even though I got up early enough in the morning.

The buddha said ‘if you can’t help anyone, at least don’t hurt anyone.’ I might as well later on go and pick up rubbish and put it in the bin. I feel like a thoroughly useless individual.

I possibly have vulnerable narcissism, which means I bottle up a lot of hatred and am hypersensitive to criticism. As I advocate humility, I probably myself am not fully humble. I feel like a tortured soul.

Humility doesn’t come easily for me. As I didn’t join the Orthodox church from a young age, I had no spiritual director to direct me in the ways of humility.

I think, as much as I tell otherwise, that the Orthodox have a lot of humility. It takes a lot of humility to work a 9 to 5. I don’t even put in the effort to find work, so I am a slothful, sinful individual.

But I suppose nobody wants a schizophrenic working for them. That further makes me wish I were humble.

Humility is the patient acceptance of all the unfavourable situations in life, with thanksgiving to God, as God is trying to resurrect our soul from the dead. Maybe that is the best I can say on humility.

Humility, the path unto rest

I have ranted and raved on this blog before. I do have outbursts of emotion sometimes, particularly when on lower doses of medication. I wish more people would be my friend, stick up for me, and generally comfort me during a psychotic episode.

But it is too much to ask. If the world were more repentant, mental illness wouldn’t exist. I wouldn’t have to suffer. But I need mental illness, so I’d know what mental wellness might look like, if I ever get there.

We need bad times to appreciate the good times. We need suffering to appreciate when we feel good. We need mental illness to appreciate the times when we are not mentally ill. This is wisdom from the Tao Te Ching, or the Holy book of Taoism. Although I am a Christian, certain aspects of me respect the wisdom found in Taoism and Buddhism.

Light can not exist without darkness. Perfection can not exist without imperfection. That is why the devil fell, so us humans would appreciate perfect times, as much as true perfection doesn’t exist in this lifetime.

If God gave us everything we wanted, and took away all evil in the world, then we’d all become little Lucifers, because we’d all become ungrateful and proud.

So, you want perfection so perfect that you never would become proud? But did you earn that perfection? Did you make use of the gifts God gave you to achieve perfection? God needs us to grow up, not to become soulless automatons with no free will.

Sorry, my bloggers, I’m going all over the place. Maybe I do feel a little manic. It has been 22 days since my last injection of anti-psychotic, and I drank too much coffee. I don’t know when I’ll go to sleep tonight.

God bless you all. May you all enjoy the journey of life, despite how bad it feels, for a little season.

Oh! The humanity!

When I look at the news, there is not even the slightest trace of humility in either the media or the subjects of the media. Oh! What satanic pride! How far has man fallen! Nobody can wake up mankind from its spiritual slumber! Nobody can convince him to repent and amend his ways! This is the worm which dies not, and the fire that is never quenched!

What is the point of life without humility? Humility makes the soul ride upon the wings and lifts the courageous soul up boldly towards God! But nobody wants to be humble. Pride is worshipped, satanic pride! As Satan was bound and cast out from heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise, we must have humility.

Nobody except me apologizes to his inferior, they all think highly of themselves. Whether Christian or not, all have the satanic energy of pride. Nobody regards me, even though I’m more humble than all! I have all the virtues, since I have humility! And people still scorn me!

I would advise humanity to repent and come off the wide road that leads to perdition, but it will not! Even in hell, people won’t repent. They gnash their teeth in anger at the triune God, and whatever for? They could of made themselves righteous in this life, to be spared torment in the next!

Repent, before the gate of mercy closes on you.

Why go to hell?

Many people are outright narcissistic, I have had my fair share of people who have treated me with contempt. Most of my interactions with others have not been positive and have, in a way, traumatised me. But if somebody hates me without a cause, certainly they shall go to hell.

Why go to hell? All you have to do is repent, and have a deep respect for each and every person. Also, stand up for those who can’t protect themselves. Don’t say ‘it’s his fault he is under the mental health act, it’s his fault he is schizophrenic.’ Adopting such an attitude will make it impossible for you to come out of hell.

It’s a sad thing, really. Nobody takes the admonitions of Christ seriously. They laugh, saying ‘I will live the life I want, I will eat, drink, and be merry.’ But God says ‘You fool! This day your life will be required of you! Who will get to eat of your vineyard now?’ ‘This day’ means in God’s eternal time, so it is when the person dies. They could help me to their vineyard by standing up for me and being my friend.

But I suppose, in today’s modern generations, with old and young, with Christian and non-Christian, hell is not taken seriously. But believe me, hell is only one death away….

Lord, have mercy!

As the world gets more anxious and angry, the only antidote is humility and hope in God’s mercy.

The world cries out for something to fill its emptiness, and sometimes, the Lord Jesus Christ will not fill that void, until the sinner cries even more ‘Lord Jesus Christ, Son of David, have mercy on me!’ as the blind man did in one of the gospels.

Although the blind man used ‘Son of David’, the blind man really meant ‘Son of God.’ So likewise, the Orthodox Christian cries out incessantly, ‘Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!’

Jesus sometimes doesn’t come, so the penitent may learn persistence, devotion, and cry out all the more. But when Jesus does come, the fragrance that arises is peace, joy and love.

Many of the ascetics of the Orthodox Church regularly cried out this prayer to Jesus, until their spiritual blindness was removed, and they could see the Lord Jesus Christ clearly.

If we are too weak to cry out incessantly, we must embrace humility, as humility is the mother of all virtue, and pride the father of all vice. When we have humility, we sort of have acceptance of our situation, which may or not change, due to our previous sins in Christ.

The world may never change, but I hope somebody reading this blog may be encouraged to ask Jesus Christ to have mercy on them.

Diffusing anger

To diffuse my own anger in my heart, I tend to just sit with it, shout at the walls if I need to, until I come out of that thought spiral. To help with coming out of that thought spiral, I think about the things I’ve done that were praiseworthy, or the nice things others have said to me.

The Gregory Decapolite YouTube channel recommends the immediate application of the Jesus Prayer to diffuse anger in a particular situation. While it is not the thing I’d prefer to do, it works for some particularly religious Orthodox Christians.

I just ground myself in my own virtue of humility, or at least, not responding immediately to the hurtful thing that my adversary has said to me. But there is more trolling on social media than in the real world, I can diffuse the anger directed at me on social media more easily than I can ignore an insult in real life. The insults and on occasion, threats of violence; are far more hurtful than anything social media can produce.

When I’m insulted on YouTube, I just ignore it, bless the aggressor, thank them for the comment, then move onto something else. I don’t get into fights, either online or in real.

It is a very angry world out there, caused by heightened anxiety over the pandemic and the supposed coming of the end of the world. I personally don’t anticipate the end of the world unless I’m suffering particularly bad mental illness, but I understand lots of people, Christian and non-Christian, expect the end to come within the next millennia.

But God bless the world. Whatever happens, it is His permitted will. God would not allow it unless it were educative or instructive. God allows all bad things to happen to teach people humility. As Satan was bound and cast out from heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise, we must have humility. What is the brief breath of our life, compared to the ocean of eternity? Let us repent now, before the gate of mercy closes.