I’m undateable

I was watching a YouTube clip from Better Bachelor, and the presenter said he had never been happier since his divorce. He could do whatever he wanted around his house, he didn’t have to share his money with anybody, he didn’t have to go through another amicable divorce. He liked being single.

After watching that YouTube clip, I realised how much better off I am. After my ex borrowed money off me and never gave it back, I’m glad I gave her some almsgiving. As much as I miss her, I am kind of happy that she left me and got married to someone else.

But all things that happen to me in this life are God attempting to teach me humility, so that I may not judge or curse another in thought, word or deed. God is particularly good at teaching people humility. He teaches it through natural disasters, loss of loved ones, failed business exploits, mental breakdowns, foreign invasions, and everything that society would call ‘bad.’ God uses bad things to teach us humility, so we’d stop spitting in God’s face.

Each time we sin, we spit in God’s face, we dishonour him on that cross. I worried one time that each sin I committed increased Christ’s torment in hell. Such was my zeal, before my mental breakdown! I wish I could stop sinning! But my heart is not right with God, as much as I’m more humble than 16 years ago.

But, my friends, please pursue humility. You will be glad you did on your deathbed. You will be glad you cultivated love for God and neighbour in heaven.

Losing weight on medication

What I mean by the title is, how does one lose weight on anti-psychotics? Well, it depends on the anti-psychotic the doctor prescribes you, and how your schizophrenia affects your desire to eat. Like, a well person on a low dose of olanzapine for sleep disturbance may gain weight while a severely psychotic schizophrenic on the max dose of olanzapine and paliperidone might lose weight due to anxiety experienced from constant auditory hallucinations.

I’ve heard that people respond to anxiety differently. Some people stop eating when severely anxious while others may gorge on food when anxious. So if you are the type that stops eating when anxious, it may be useful to tailor your medication to a dose that makes you well enough to stay out of hospital, but you still feel limited anxiety so that you don’t eat much.

My recommendation for myself is this: either I reduce the anti-depressant by 100mg or I reduce the injection of anti-psychotic by 50mg. I’m currently on 200mg of anti-depressant and 150mg of injectable form of anti-psychotic. My anti psychotic injection is Invega Sustenna, which is neither good nor bad for weight gain, according to my doctor. But the risk is, I may ring up the hospital for a hospital stay, and the psychiatrist will just prescribe me more fat pills.

So it is best to stay out of hospital, because a schizophrenic will just gain weight in hospital. The medication causes fat to be stored around the cheeks, stomach, and breasts, thereby giving schizophrenics the appearance of a medication belly. It’s good the meds act as chemical castratives, thereby reducing their desire to seek a partner, because the meds cause the schizophrenic to become significantly uglier, drastically reducing their chances of finding a partner.

That’s the advice of a schizophrenic for fellow schizophrenics. Hope it helps!

Humility, the path unto rest

I have ranted and raved on this blog before. I do have outbursts of emotion sometimes, particularly when on lower doses of medication. I wish more people would be my friend, stick up for me, and generally comfort me during a psychotic episode.

But it is too much to ask. If the world were more repentant, mental illness wouldn’t exist. I wouldn’t have to suffer. But I need mental illness, so I’d know what mental wellness might look like, if I ever get there.

We need bad times to appreciate the good times. We need suffering to appreciate when we feel good. We need mental illness to appreciate the times when we are not mentally ill. This is wisdom from the Tao Te Ching, or the Holy book of Taoism. Although I am a Christian, certain aspects of me respect the wisdom found in Taoism and Buddhism.

Light can not exist without darkness. Perfection can not exist without imperfection. That is why the devil fell, so us humans would appreciate perfect times, as much as true perfection doesn’t exist in this lifetime.

If God gave us everything we wanted, and took away all evil in the world, then we’d all become little Lucifers, because we’d all become ungrateful and proud.

So, you want perfection so perfect that you never would become proud? But did you earn that perfection? Did you make use of the gifts God gave you to achieve perfection? God needs us to grow up, not to become soulless automatons with no free will.

Sorry, my bloggers, I’m going all over the place. Maybe I do feel a little manic. It has been 22 days since my last injection of anti-psychotic, and I drank too much coffee. I don’t know when I’ll go to sleep tonight.

God bless you all. May you all enjoy the journey of life, despite how bad it feels, for a little season.

I was speechless

Today, a Chinese lady asked me where the post office was at garden city. I sort of lost my ability to speak English properly, so I just said ‘if you go over there, you can find something to direct you,’ when I should of said ‘if you walk 30m in that direction, you can find a store directory.’ I completely forgot the world for store directory!

I was walking on the left side of the shopping mall corridor going back to the car, and an Asian girl came out from the toilet. I had to stop and apologize for taking up space, and she walked around me. I felt so embarrassed!

I’m not used to dealing with people, even really cute ones, because I have no self esteem. All I do is take my medication, do what I got to do that day, then go home and play video games. Meeting new people is really difficult for me!

Having autism spectrum disorder doesn’t help, as I would forget how to say basic English words that I hadn’t used for a while. My autism doesn’t give me much freedom to plan what I’m going to say in a short amount of time.

I do not think I will grow more confident and free thinking. My mind is very closed, and I’m only used to people I know quite well. I don’t make new friends easily!

Schizophrenics have it very tough

I have often heard narcissistic people tell me ‘get over it,’ or ‘pull your socks up,’ when they just don’t understand mental illness. Firstly, schizophrenia (and schizoaffective disorder, too) are CHRONIC and SEVERE mental illnesses. Schizophrenics just can’t ‘snap out of it.’ The brain is sick, and what doesn’t help is social rejection by half-wits in the community and at churches. It doesn’t help that we’ll most likely die alone, without ever having a relationship.

People without mental illnesses generally suffer heightened narcissism, a lack of empathy, a lack of humility and a lack of understanding about what schizophrenics go through on a daily basis. Not only that, but the mental health system is like the police service, they don’t do a good job.

2 things you can do to relieve a schizophrenic; DON’T FORCE MEDICATION DOWN THEIR THROATS. That is biological rape. And also, don’t spit in their faces, because if you had their condition, you’d be dead already in the grave from suicide. SO SHUT UP AND STOP BLAMING US FOR OUR CONDITION!!!!!!

My previous life of Tae Kwon Do

This is one of the least viewed videos on my YouTube channel.

This is what remains after a long absence from proper Tae kwon do classes.

I did my white belt and 2 yellow belt gradings before I was put on medication. Only after blue belt do they have sparring gradings in my previous Tae kwon do facility.

I did only one grading with sparring before I quit, because I got kicked to the ground, making me lose all my points on sparring. The instructors usually judge fairly harshly and critically. It is not catered for people with disabilities.

I wouldn’t recommend Moon Lee Tae kwon do for anybody except if you have toughness, or looking for something to add to your military or police career. Martial arts are not for everybody.

It’s recommended you have a job before doing the classes. If you can’t work a job and survive on a disability pension for mental illness, what kind of mental toughness do you have? If you try to act tough, the police will beat you up.

The police usually pick on the homeless or mentally ill person, and nobody stands up for the disabled. Nobody advocates for their rights. Nobody puts the police in jail for discrimination against people with disabilities.

Sure shows the state and quality of our armed forces and security personnel…

Winter sparring

This is from my YouTube channel. I must admit, getting punched in the face by gloves is not fun.

I miss the days from before I was on medication when I used to be able to take a punch. It’s like Moon Lee Tae Kwon Do made me tougher. It made me tougher while I was willing to participate in that activity. Now, I’m too fat and weak to bother to push myself.

It’s ok. Now I can listen to nice instrumental music on YouTube, such as Timelapse OST, crockett’s theme, clubbed to death, or instrumentals of popular songs.

Definitely beats the loneliness and isolation of being mentally ill. I feel sorry for my parents having to raise me through the times when I was psychotic. From 2006 to 2012 I was psychotic, and I only got better when I had shock therapy. I’m surprised the kiddies mental health didn’t give me shock therapy, but only kept me in the mental hospital for 10 weeks. Waste of taxpayer dollars.

2 days before my depot is due

It’s not nice to be on medication that has significant side effects, such as weight gain.

Most schizophrenics are given newer anti-psychotics, because the older anti-psychotics cause the body to shake and spasm.

I remember when I was on olanzapine as well as Invega, I would shake every 10 seconds. I remember knocking over the coffee cup with coffee in it all over the computer due to a shake. So it is better not to take more than 1 anti-psychotic.

Things are more stable now, as I occupy my time in limited ways. I go to psycho-social rehabilitation every so often, I see my support worker on a Tuesday, I go to art therapy every 2nd Monday, I go shopping with my parents nearly once a day, and the rest of the time I’m playing computer games. I also do stretching, mindfulness and qi gong. It helps me enjoy and improve myself.

I’ve kind of accepted that I will never be a priest, as I can’t drive a car, and no church will hire me. They sort of want somebody who will give a good turnover in profits. Most ministers only care about how big their congregations are. More people, more people giving donations, the earlier the minister can retire.

I am thankful I get a Centrelink pension, and that there are hospitals to go to if I need a break from society, or I get mentally unwell. I am thankful for my private health cover, so I can go to a quality hospital.

Diary entries 19/4/21 to 29/4/21

19/4/21

Today I did a lot of activities, such as going to supermarkets and walking beside the Brisbane river. So I did things today. I didn’t have the stamina to make it to social tennis.

I suppose since I am interacting with the community, it is my civic duty to keep my vaccinations up to date. So that means I should get the Covid vaccine. As I have forsaken Jesus, so Jesus won’t protect me. God help us.

20/4/21

Today I was with my support worker. He advised me to do more exercise to help me lose weight. Hope it helps me.

28/4/21

I got a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. Maybe he won’t recommend an increase in meds. God bless fat pills.

29/4/21

Today was Dr Duke’s appointment. I managed to learn useful information from him.

I also took a bus to a school far away, where I could learn tae kwon do. Took me an hour and a half to get there in peak hour traffic. So much for learning martial arts.

Diary entries 7/4/21 to 16/4/21

These have been edited to avoid naming people or places, and to minimise personal or inappropriate content.

7/4/21

Life, at this point, is still a nightmare. My dad is taking me for my depot injection of anti-psychotic medication. I wish I could cope without medication, but I’m not strong enough.

11/4/21

It is nearly half way through autumn. It is noticeably cooler than summer. I really miss grandma. But I know she had to go, as she was getting more frail.

I sinned by not going to the funeral of my late grandma. But nobody, who I’ve observed, takes Jesus seriously. The fire, Gehenna, how could we not silence ourselves and turn towards Jesus! It’s silly not to fear God! It’s silly to sin!

I don’t believe in justification by faith alone, no matter how much my relative’s friends support it.

16/4/21

This was a silly day today. I laughed at my imagination out loud I must confess. I really am insane. The medication doesn’t seem to be working fully.

Some kid nearly stuffed the library toilet with paper. Luckily the flush was more powerful. Damn kids.

I’m currently reading the poetic works of Henry Lawson. He must of been related to a person I knew from high school.