Reviewing my former martial arts videos

I don’t have a video to put in this post. I still have a YouTube channel, but I add very slowly to it, as I do not often exercise.

I think my weight is somewhere between 119 and 123kg. I can not get it lower than 118kg usually. If I want to lose weight, I have to starve myself.

I suppose everything is ok. Sometimes I’m lonely, but I comfort myself with contemplation, and with knowledge that I have quality friendships.

Contemplation, according to Catholicism, is just sitting still meditating, waiting for the call of God’s voice, or whatever religious themes come to mind when the mind is quiet. I started contemplating as best as I can today.

I am thankful that some people read my blog.

Oh, also, I can understand why so many people hate Christ. I have had a period where I hated Jesus, and looked more into Aaron Abke and law of attraction stuff. Now, I’m sort of open to both, but I try to pray to Jesus at least once a day.

The critical thing I take from law of attraction is ‘words have power. Don’t say bad things about yourself. They will end up becoming your reality.’

I am often self-deprecating, because my mental illness is incredibly severe. But I try to maintain a balanced, positive outlook on life, as much as I fail to do so.

Erotic hallucinations

I do not think that the reason most of the women rejected me was because I was ugly or fat. I think it was because I am schizophrenic. Most women associate violence with schizophrenia.

Yes, it is true, unless I’m fully medicated, I can be out of control. But on this last day before my depot, I’m happy to be single. Relationships are too stressful.

This is the point where my brain is actually producing enough happiness hormones for me to be happy.

I do have erotic hallucinations. I imagine women are looking at me in the shopping mall. I hallucinated that a woman said hello to me, when she actually didn’t.

I am shy, but I feel ok today. I’m not as depressed as other days.

It’s a nice feeling on the evening before the day I get my 70th depot, almost.

I have been given a lot of depots over the years. I support it when I am feeling depressed, so I know that even if I don’t want to take medication, I am given it without my consent. So that I never get to how bad I was either in 2012 or 2017, during my psychotic episodes.

Hope my blog post isn’t too boring.

My previous posts

I look at the majority of my posts, and I realise I have managed to keep it largely together.

But nobody cares about this blog anyway.

I hardly even make new friends here.

It’s a lonely road.

I almost cried at the library today. I tried to keep it together. I just left when I was about to cry. I wanted to cry because I have few friends and very poor social connections.

I’m still very obese. My meds don’t make me want to practice abstinence via starvation. The only way to lose weight on medication is to starve yourself.

Life is very lonely. The fact I’m dishonoured doesn’t make it any easier.

Maybe I will go to my bedroom and pray.

I feel better today

I’m glad nobody cares for my ranting. You are all so kind to me.

I might ask the doctor for more anti-psychotics. I’m starting to get erotic hallucinations. I have a delusion that I’m God’s gift to women.

I hallucinated that a gorgeous young lady said hello to me at the bus stop. But when I talked to her, she seemed very disinterested. Not all is as it seems.

I’m plain ugly, that’s why.

God won’t necessarily ‘heal’ you

Sometimes God won’t heal us. Sometimes depression teaches us humility. As satan was bound and cast out from heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise we must have humility. Justification by faith alone is a heresy. I will explain below.

‘Faith without works is dead,’ James 2:17. So we need the works of faith to be saved. I remember that popular verse in Ephesians which protestants love to quote ‘we are saved by grace alone through faith, and not by works of the law, so that no one should boast.’ The works of the law St Paul was talking about was works of the Jewish law, we still need to do works of faith to enter heaven.

St John the Baptist and the Lord Jesus Christ both said at the start of their ministries ‘repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.’ Repentance is a work of faith. Unless you repent to a degree of perfection, then you will not get into heaven. ‘Be ye perfect, as your Father in heaven is perfect.’ Jesus meant you HAVE to be minimally perfect to get into heaven. If your prayers don’t heal the sick, you don’t have enough works.

There are degrees of perfection, and there are degrees of sin, or imperfection. God is more perfect than the Virgin Mary. The Virgin Mary is more perfect than the cherubim and seraphim. The angels are more perfect than the 6th century Saints. The 6th century Saints were more perfect than the 19th century Saints. The 19th century Saints are more perfect than our contemporary Saints on Earth. The present day elders on Mount Athos are definitely more perfect than any Protestant!

So, since we have established that you need works to get into heaven, I will explain the source of all works, that is, ‘humility.’ Humility is the mother of all virtues. Protestants don’t have this virtue, so most of them will be turned away from the great wedding feast in heaven. Humility is not when you say to yourself that you are the worst of sinners. It is when others say you are the worst of sinners, and you accept it and bless and forgive them from the heart. No protestant can take insults or beatings like an Orthodox Saint can.

So that’s why God doesn’t necessarily fix mental illness. It is to prevent the sinner from falling into a worse sin, that is, pride. God may not heal you for the rest of your life, so your punishment in hell will be reduced, or, by a miracle only known to God, you may be accepted into heaven!

Dealing with stress

Sometimes people in authority look down on somebody like me. I probably won’t go into it, but it happened both in school classrooms and in church.

The hard thing is not reporting it to a higher official. As Jesus said ‘turn the other cheek.’ So I just let whomever is responsible get away with it.

These things have happened before, but they don’t happen often. Not since I’ve learnt to keep to myself.

Guess some people don’t understand mental health issues.

Hallucinations

I might be good at talking about myself, but maybe I’m not so good at choosing titles for blog articles.

My mom said when I first came out of the mental institute in 2006 I could only talk about 2 things: Japanese girls and religion. Now I can only talk about one thing: myself.

I remember the cruelty with which I treated fellow students in primary and high school. I hallucinated insults coming from their mouths, when in fact they might of said nothing at all.

The other kids at primary school weren’t violent, and the kids at high school would of left me alone if I kept to myself and minded my own business. The ladies would of been more comfortable if I stayed in my own little corner than try to interact with them.

I was doing tai chi, tae kwon do, air force cadets and high school just before I broke down. Fancy that. I had so much going for me, yet I ended up jobless on a disability support pension. Sure shows how life can turn out for some people.

My obesity

This is roughly how I look. I am not flexible compared to people who do regular martial arts classes. However, I am more flexible than my mom and dad, who are in their 60s. What an achievement.

I am on the disability support pension for psychiatric impairment. I do have a slow metabolism. The reason I don’t lose weight is because the medication gives me an appetite. At my slow metabolic rate, I have to go a day without eating in order to lose weight. I pretty much have to starve myself.

Starving myself is not fun, unless I have no appetite caused by medication reduction and subsequent stress. If I go off my anti-depressant, but stay on my depot injection of anti-psychotics, then I will hear voices in the background in my room from out the window. It will give the illusion that the neighbours are constantly talking about me. But now I know it is just my sickness.

My mind doesn’t play tricks on me so much now, otherwise I wouldn’t even go to the shopping mall with my support worker, as I’d be so afraid of the voices.

Schizophrenia

I have schizoaffective disorder, personally. Schizoaffective disorder is either half bipolar half schizophrenia or half schizophrenia half depression. I have the manic-depressive type.

Well, as I always try to tell myself, it is meant to teach me humility. God sends me both Christians and non-Christians who dishonour me, to make sure I am humbled by their caustic words!

Well, when I do not think I am a Saint, but seriously think I am the worst of sinners, then I will be at the summit of virtue.

Humility can be a craving for insults, and a thirst for dishonours. I still pray one day I may have humility!

One of my cats

For a cat, she snores pretty loudly.

It’s midnight here on a Saturday evening, and it is early spring. Things aren’t too hot, yet. But we will be complaining about the heat in about a month’s time.

I am beginning to miss winter already. But I miss more when I was 60kg and able to tolerate the heat better. And also, when I didn’t need my air conditioner so much to cool me down.

My ex came over today with her husband. He looks like a very humble man.

I accept her because I’m lonely, and will never have a real relationship with a lady, because I’m too disabled, and I don’t have an occupation. Such is my life.

I had a 6 hour nap after I came back from going out with my ex, her husband, and her friend. Things are very lonely for me.

I wish things could of been better. But secretly, no matter how hard I try, I believe I will not save my soul. But I must struggle harder!