I am religious, as much as I dislike church

Well, I am religious, as much as others would be uncomfortable with that.

Yes, I am honest. But sometimes I am glad hardly anyone views my blog. Sometimes I say stuff I would never say in real to anybody, because I wonder if I’m coming down with narcissism.

I think something went badly wrong with my brain when I was a small child. Such as a thought goes wrong, and it sticks with me for the rest of my life.

I feel I think I’m a Saint, because I can’t cope with everybody being better than me. I just must make myself the best at something. Why not something as ambiguous and immeasurable as piety? But ultimately, thinking I’m a Saint may be a symptom of my schizophrenia.

I can’t cope with being a loser, especially when I am socially rejected at church. I can not cope with my hormones, especially if I can’t look after kids.

I have been celibate once in my life. For about 9 months in 2005, when I was in cadets. They didn’t allow fraternisation at cadets. So I was obedient to that, both when at cadets and outside cadets.

Now I’m a broken man.


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