I’m going to see my psychiatrist in an hour. It takes 30 minutes for my father to drive me there. I do not drive, as I’m afraid of hitting another car. I never learnt basic skills such as driving, working, or even how to kick a football well. Since I never learnt these skills at a young age, I probably will never learn them.

Driving is the modern day equivalent of riding a horse. Back in the olden days, before automobiles, being able to ride a horse was the hallmark of being a man. If you couldn’t ride a horse, you weren’t a man. Therefore I am emasculated, due to the fact that I can not drive.

But anyway, I will go to the psychiatrist at midday today. I probably won’t ask for a change of meds, but I may voice my opinion of what meds I’d like to be on long-term. I am chronically ill, possibly because I don’t wish to repent.

Every time I practise a good deed, I blow my trumpet, and let everybody know how much good I’ve accomplished. Didn’t Jesus say ‘when you do something good, let not your right hand know what your left hand doeth.’ So do I have any real good deeds that I can boast before God? Doesn’t the fact that I think I’m a Saint indicate I have no humility, and the fact I have no humility means I won’t go to heaven? As Satan was bound and cast out of heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise, we must have humility.

I believe God said in the gospels ‘You fool! I will use your own words against you!’ I have judged aright, I am not righteous. Even when I say I am righteous, I am vainglorious, because I want to attract pity and sympathy. I really wish I could endure dishonour! Then maybe I’d get some relief. As St John of Kronstadt said ‘Those who endure dishonour in this life will not be subjected to it in the next.’


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