4 days until my depot

Life is pretty dreary as usual. But at least, on the highest dose of medication, I am not hallucinating people making threats to me in the street, or having delusions that the police are gathering evidence to put me in prison. When you hallucinate all the time, it greatly reduces the quality of your life. It is a cross that not even Jesus or the virgin mary were willing to bear. In some ways, I am more pious than them.

I don’t think the Saints of the roman catholic or orthodox church could of accomplished their God-given missions if they suffered from mental illness. The Saints in Russia never visited mentally ill people, the mentally ill were always shut up in low quality mental institutions back then, screaming their heads off. It most likely seemed like God has truly handed the mentally ill (including myself) over to satan.

Sometimes I say to myself ‘God is lazy’ ‘God is lazy.’ I am comparing Him to the Queensland Police Service, the mental health system, and the social services system. But God would just say ‘all bad things are to teach everybody humility, so they will not go to such a deep level of hell if they got handed everything on a silver platter.’ The demons received countless gifts from God as angels before they sinned, so their guilt at having rejected the author of life is increased tenfold by ten.

God is doing His best, as much as a disapprove of His methods, to ensure people are as least demonic as possible in the hour of their deaths. Ie, if Donald Trump got everything he wanted, he would owe a lot more for God, so in his rejection of God, he would go to a very very deep level of hell. But since he experiences pain in this life, he will only go to a deep level of hell, rather than a very very deep level of hell.

Likewise, God will not attribute much blame to me, because God afflicted me heavily in this life, to minimize my torment in the next. I may even go to heaven! But probably not.

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