Positive outlook

Well, I don’t feel 100% positive, although a lot of people right now are coping with life quite well. I am not one of them.

I did feel quite good after seeing the priest today. We talked about monasticism. Monasticism is the concept of becoming a monk or nun and living separate from the community to give oneself up to fasting and prayer.

I can not become a monk, as I eat too much. My illness isn’t stressing me at the moment, so I eat whenever I feel hungry. I try my best to resist my appetite as much as possible, to no avail.

Some of my friends don’t read my blog. I accept that. Some of my friends don’t read at all. Their loss.

I do not know what my next psychotic episode could look like, if I were to reduce the medication. I best just be content on my current dose of medication.

About my ideas

Ok, so I was glancing back at a few of my blog posts and remembered one where I claimed I was perfect.

I believe when you come across most of the posts of mine, you should take it with a grain of salt. I know I can not get through the aerial toll-houses.

So, in my schizophrenia, I have delusions that I am perfect, a Saint, but yet going to hell. Hell is a reality I believe in, because I find it very very hard to forgive others. Jesus said ‘forgive, and you shall be forgiven.’ St Francis of Assisi said ‘for it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.’

My own self has become hell, as I venerate myself, just so I don’t break down and cry when thinking of the amount of dishonour I’ve received as a disabled person.

I think a desert father once said ‘you know a man is overcome by the spirit of vainglory when he cries at the many insults he has received.’ I actually don’t know how to overcome vainglory, or pride.

St John Cassian in his ‘conferences’ tells monks to ‘avoid bishops and women,’ to overcome vainglory. I will ask my priest what that means.

Ok that last factoid about the conferences I’m not 100% sure about.

I’m just a schizophrenic who reads a lot of religious texts.

I dreamt about somebody last night

This dream may be offensive to some viewers. I dreamt about my married female Chinese friend. I dreamt that she was promiscuous before marriage and settled down when she married her husband. This is a classic case of redpill-blackpill ideology of the ‘modern woman.’ In reality, my female friend was conservative before and after marriage. She practiced pre-marital and post-marital continence.

What is surprising was that in the dream, the lady who I thought was my friend often had her face altered during the dream, to represent other women who I’d seen in the past, who I have forgotten. While I won’t go into what these women were ‘wearing’ in my dream, you could say I’m a very impure man.

The blackpill YouTube channels often site theories that the ‘modern women’ like to party in their 20s and sleep with as many hot guys as they like, then they like to settle down with a ‘beta-provider’ in their 30s. I’m sure this is not true in many cases. Some women fear men. Others are busy with studies. Some are experiencing anxiety and depression, and having a boyfriend would just make things worse.

I really shouldn’t be having these kinds of dreams. Most nights, I dream about monasteries, and getting rejected by them. During the other half of last night I dreamt about being in a monastery with brothers which was like an ordinary house in the community, and I couldn’t remember the formal titles to call these monks! I was worried they’d scold me, like in cadets, if I didn’t call them by their proper titles.

Gosh, my dreams are weird. Maybe I should practice as much celibacy as possible. Forgive me for my offensive post.

A cold spring night

The nights should be unbearably hot at this time of year. I’m glad to get some relief. At the end of October, things in Brisbane will be unbearably hot. But sometimes, I like hot weather. It means I don’t have to put jumpers on, which I’m lazy to do.

It is a public holiday today. I feel a little subdued. I was feeling good during part of the day, then I was shouting at voices in my head, then I calmed back down. I really wish I didn’t have rapid mood swings.

I wish I could become a Saint. But what does that even mean? I guess I just want to be praised for something. I do not even believe I will enter the Lord’s rest. Why? The prayers of the people I’ve hurt in the past have reached the Lord of Sabaoth, and He inflicts pain upon me, because of my evil I did to others in primary and high school.

I confess, when I remember the things I used to do in high school and primary school, that I do need punishment. As I sometimes say to Jesus ‘punish me in this life, and not the next!’ I really wish I had come to obey Jesus in early primary school, before my wickedness had reached a certain level, to require a certain punishment.

But most of all, my conscience is in pain. I wish I had not hit other students in primary and high school. It is a shameful behaviour, to get violent, all because they said something rude. I should of been better than that long ago.

Forgive me, oh God.

Cringe

I read about post stealing on a friend’s blog, and I thought ‘well, I wish I was popular enough for people to want to post steal from me.’ But I guess my blogs are just cringe. I am so cringe.

My blogs are so cringe that nobody wants to post steal from me. I don’t really understand how it works. My blogs must be pretty boring. Maybe it is just because I’m an incel lol.

Anyway, keep up the good work, my fans. You are all awesome. Plus, it takes only the literacy of a year 8 student to write my blogs. Lol.

God bless everybody. Iakovos out.

1st of October

I sort of feel alright today. I went to a Russian Orthodox Church today.

I just wanted to share some wisdom for Christians suffering from mental health issues. God doesn’t expect much from you. The writings you find on the internet, which are written by Saints, are meant to be for those who have got it all together in their lives.

God won’t expect so much from someone who can’t perform so well in life. So my friends, take heart, God will show all of us mercy.

God has already taught us much humility. God will repay us, both here and in the next life.

The Jewish law was for those who break the law, such as unethical people, bad people. We will be shown much kindness, as God doesn’t expect us to perform as well as a person without mental health issues.

Sorry, my iteration has not been very good. I hope I got my point across.

I know some of you may be despairing now, but just practise some mindfulness, take some medicine, time heals all wounds.

My birthday

Today is my birthday. I am 33 years old today. I feel like I’m getting old. But I’ve never been more stable since my mental breakdown in 2006.

My present was a bubble tea from my support worker. His company was nice. I had a few relatives over for my birthday. It was nice. I see my support worker tomorrow as well.

I feel better after my depot, which happened yesterday. It is now 9:50pm at night. My cousins have just finished their piano lesson with my mom, and are preparing to return home.

My mom teaches piano. She is a piano teacher of beyond grade 8 standard. That’s the highest standard. God bless her.

I play piano to a grade 1 standard. I’m not very good at piano. I’ve been a beginner for nearly 20 years. Oh well.

Happy birthday to me! I enjoyed my 33rd birthday! It was awesome!

My cadet experience

I don’t remember much of it now, but I served as a cadet between April 2005 and February 2006. I wonder if it contributed to my breakdown.

I remember the warrant officer saying while I was on drill ‘something’s wrong with that cadet.’ I remember another warrant officer saying ‘I’m going to murder you.’

I’m glad to have that cadet experience. It taught me not to join the real army.

I remember a lot of shouting done by the senior cadets at the junior cadets. I even was involved in a car crash where I got a minor laceration to the side of my head! It was the CO’s fault that the car crashed at wide bay training area.

My mum was particularly angry with the CO because of that. I told him to give her a call, to explain what exactly happened in that car.

Maybe the minor laceration also contributed to my schizophrenia.

I actually liked the CO. He did shout at the cadet squadron once, after the car crash. He was stressed out of his brains.

I did not want to sue him. As it is written ‘turn the other cheek.’ I’m paying for the consequences up to this date. But I might of received all this because I’m a bad person, who used to bully people in primary and high school.

I guess I’m not virtuous.

This is the day of my depot. Wish me luck.

Last day before my overdue depot

Well, I was hoping I wasn’t going manic. On some days, I am feeling really stressed, with a painful feeling in my chest, on other days, I seem to talk too much.

Usually my problems compound after the 3rd week of being on the depot. My depot is currently set for every 4 weeks, but according to a mental health professional, the depot should stay in my system for at least 5 weeks. But it is recommended I at least take my depot every 28 days.

I was watching something about Johnny Bravo being an incel on YouTube. It lifted my spirits and gave me something to laugh at. I am not the ‘King’ of the incels, I’m just a medicated incel, so hopefully I won’t get angry at anybody. I keenly remember the wrong things said to me by other people when I’m in a sour mood.

Medication is a great chemical lobotomy. It prevents me from expressing extreme emotion. It is like an emotional flattener.

The world could do with more humility. I am glad to be a limited example of humility to others in my life and at church. But it is more of a lobotomy than true humility. Anyway, back to my life of being an incel. Ciao!

Worried about conscription

I hope that if Australia goes to war in WW3, I won’t get called upon to serve. I have 7 months worth of cadet experience in a training facility in Brisbane. I served there when I was manic. I hated it. It probably contributed to my schizophrenia.

The best thing about being in cadets was I learnt to appreciate the other 6 days of the week when I wasn’t at cadets. Cadets normally occurred once a week on a Friday. I was so skinny back then from stress.

I do not support the war in Ukraine, nor the Russian military draft. Putin has a big ego…