6 days before my next depot

Alaska Mountains by NASA Goddard Photo and Video is licensed under CC-BY 2.0

I look at this image, and realise that the world is beautiful. Since 2017, I’ve had about 65 depot injections of Invega Sustenna over a period of 5 years. So it is roughly 13 injections a year, 1 every 28 days. I am getting used to the pain. I am grateful the depot keeps me stable, more than the tablets do.

Even though I feel cold, tired, and lonely, I still realise life could be a lot worse. Without the intervention of the mental health team in 2017, I could be dead by suicide by now. I’ve required medication for over 16 years now, but since 2017 I’ve been consistently taking it. 2017 was my worst psychosis, so I really put effort into taking pills and injections.

I really recommend that nobody take the stuff I take, unless they are suicidal and there is no way out. Because without my injections, I’d be suicidal too. I have a long way to go, but I have improved a lot, too.

I hope one day to not require injections, maybe swap injections for tablets. I even more pray that by the time I’m 50 I may not require medication anymore at all! I’m 32 now, and my friends have been praying that one day I may not need medication. I thank them for their prayers.

But the future is unwritten. There is a lot of uncertainty in the world. I can’t even begin to think about navigating the aerial toll houses on my passage from earth to heaven. My sins will cast me into hell. But I have given a few alms, I have asked the prayers of Saints, I am still a member of the Greek Orthodox Churches of Brisbane. There is still much hope yet….

Homelessness

Ok, so I tried a new font size. Well, font type. Because I was experimenting with features for a blog article.

The news is very depressing. Families in Australia are becoming homeless after a lack of affordable housing. I could become homeless one day, if Centrelink decided to cut my pension! What will I do?

Life is horrible. I can’t imagine being a homeless person in Brisbane. Probably I’ll get sick and starve. I’ll get beaten by drug addicts. Life is horrible.

Then again, I have to live in the present moment. I am not homeless, I have my Centrelink pension. I still can afford food. I have some money in the bank.

God help us all. I have lost faith in God, at least temporarily. I hope God shows kindness towards me through the alms of others.

I am appalled

I am appalled by the world’s lack of humility. I saw on the news, one of the tennis players got booed by the crowd for an ugly confrontation. I can’t believe this. There are so many ugly confrontations like this in the world. So many rapes, so many bashings, so many murders.

And whatever for? Can’t we all settle our grievances peacefully? Sure, I may be a conqueror in the world of Civ 5, but I never express violence in the real world.

Let us all embrace humility, for without it, none shall enter the bridal chamber. Without humility, none shall enter paradise. Without humility, none shall go to heaven.

Why? As an ascetic once said ‘As Satan was bound and cast out of heaven due to his pride, so to re-enter paradise, we must have humility.’ What is humility? A craving for insults. A thirst for dishonours. Seeing dishonour as praise. And if you can’t forgive the slightest fault in those who have perpetrated evil against you, you have no humility.

Stop blaming others. Start taking responsibility and blaming yourself. If you remember your sins, God will forget them. If we accuse ourselves, God will not accuse us. But if we accuse others, God will accuse us, at that great and fearful day of judgement.

Remember James 2:17: faith without works is dead. What is a good work then? Accepting abuse from others. Forgiving those who violate our freedoms and our rights. Have the humility to accept the teaching of the Saints.

Borderlands 2

I like Borderlands 2. It is a good game, where I get perks for collecting a lot of Eridium and selling it to Crazy Earl. It is good for wasting time, which I have plenty of.

I just realised the oil prices have skyrocketed due to the war in Ukraine. Russia produced some oil, now we are missing out on it, due to global sanctions against Russia.

I thought if I had positive energy, I could affect events in my reality. Like I could eventually transport myself to a perfect reality, based on my level of perfection. Such is not the case.

I just hope Ukraine is not as bad as the violence in Borderlands 2. Borderlands puts humour on carnage. But there is nothing funny about the conflict in Ukraine. It is sick. God have mercy on Russia.

I don’t know what will happen to this nation. I pray for stability and peace in the Indo-Pacific region everyday. I pray God listens to my weak prayers, as to the prayers of a couple of other righteous who pray.

Does anyone care?

I woke up feeling pretty good today. I went to art therapy. It was nice, but a little dull. I had nothing much to say. Nowadays, I try to keep myself to myself.

I was watching a video on YouTube by 60 minutes about Hillsong church. They apparently had church leaders who had committed rape while in office. The video concerned the statements of the victims.

This kind of video makes me almost guilty to be a male. A friend of mine has also said that men have assaulted her. I grieve for this turn of events. If I was female, could I be safe as well?

I don’t know why people commit crimes. Isn’t the fear of punishment enough to deter you from committing the crime? Apparently not, in some cases.

A cool night 22/05/22

Today is a cool night. I get offers on discounts by email from GOG games. I enjoy playing the games I already own, without spending heaps of money on new games. Life is good.

I just played some free games from the play store. I enjoy waiting before something happens in the game, like a bunch of units were produced, or research was completed. I have other things to occupy me. Life is good.

I know I am lazy, but I am pretty disciplined for the severity of my schizophrenia. I choose the right treatments when I am psychotic, ie. I get both shock therapy and a high dose of medications. I just endure the illness, without attempting suicide. Life is good.

Sometimes I get angry with God. Sometimes I wish there were more to life. But God has made things safe for me. He also has guarded my eternal future, by giving me the struggle of schizophrenia. I am thankful to God for my schizophrenia. Life is good.

But I don’t really believe in travelling to other countries. I need to stay close to my parents or to somebody I can trust, such as a support group. I sometimes am lonely. I thank God for my loneliness. Life is good.

Life is, despite the flaws and trials, ultimately good.

No, my website is not successful

I have nothing to market, nothing to offer. I wish I had a skill, but my skill is being disabled. I do pray a lot, but anybody can utter words to God.

I pray for the souls of the dead, that they may rest in peace. I hope, in my effort and kindness, that I may be shown mercy and kindness on that great and fearful day of judgement.

I try to do God’s will, but I stumble so many times. I am bruised from my stumblings. I didn’t go to church tonight. It was raining heavily, and I had a nap after coming home with dinner, because I didn’t have any caffeine.

I wish grace, mercy and peace for everybody in my qq friend list. If you are reading this blog, I pray you have good mental health, all the days of your life.

War Planet

I think this game is called War Planet Online: Global Conquest. I downloaded it for free from the play store. It has in-app purchases.

I was about to call it Warcraft or something. LOL.

I have played it for a very long time. Much like I have played the mods for Civ 4 for a very long time.

I wish the combat was quicker in Civ 4 and Civ 5. I haven’t downloaded Civ 6 because I want to save money for a rainy day.

I’m afraid of Stacy’s

Last time I was at social tennis, the receptionist smiled at me. She was drop-dead gorgeous. She is what the incels call a Stacy.

So I am avoiding social tennis tonight, because she smiled at a sub-five like myself. The normal behaviour of Stacy’s towards me is disgust and contempt. But her smile violates the laws of physics! I have to stay home and recover.

She is tall, and a bit young for me, too. Plus I’m not a Chad. I’m a sub-five. I’m also worried I may break wind on the tennis court, as I had a Katsudon for dinner.

Sim City 4: Deluxe Edition

Man, I don’t even know the title of my own games! I downloaded this one from GOG games about a year ago. It took me a while to learn how to successfully win the game. Well, it isn’t winning the game, it is continuous play. The idea is to generate more money than it takes to maintain the city.

This city has about 9000 people living in it. It generates about 900 extra dollars a month over its expenses. So I am pretty happy. I am not a particularly good player at this game. I have not watched YouTube tutorials on how to play this game. But I sort of enjoy it nonetheless. It is like a disciplinary game for me, like reading the Bible.