It’s so lonely here…

This is a picture of the Holy Spirit, that beloved pigeon. I don’t have the Holy Spirit, or else I wouldn’t call Him a pigeon.

But there are other reasons why I don’t have the Holy Spirit. I am not grace-filled. I do not perform miracles. My prayers do not amount to anything. All my prayers for the healing of my friends go unanswered.

Our God is an all-consuming fire. Even in hell, His love predominates.

I sure wish the blessed pigeon would take me out of hell. Actually no, I like my disability, because I get free money in this country for being disabled. If God did heal me, I still wouldn’t know what to do with my life.

Even in hell, there is mercy. Even in hell, the pigeon still loves you.


Should be getting cooler soon

It is getting to mid-autumn here in Brisbane. But we still have the air con on for cooling the house down.

I think it gets cold sometime in May. From October to March it is really hot and uncomfortable. It is especially bad for me, as my meds make me sensitive to heat extremes. And I am moderately obese, which adds to the insulation.

I have no wisdom or Godly advice for anybody. I haven’t even put up a new video of me exercising or doing push ups. Hope I can increase in physical activity.

This is a beautiful pic that I’ve already put on a post to my blog. It is from a computer game, which has been digitally remastered for the newer PCs. I think it is a beautiful pic, so I put it up a 2nd time.

God bless you all!


I ran out of ideas, so I felt empty. But when I looked up ’emptiness’ on bing, it was something about existential nihilism, which is not how I feel. Well, I sort of feel it, but it comes and goes.

I like to think that the person in this picture is a city contemplative, rather than someone suffering depression and deep despair. There is lots to think about, if we only had more brain cells. Kidding!

But my blog isn’t outstanding. Maybe my blog is just devoid of content.

More computer games

This is a game called Big Farm. I enjoy playing this game every so often. I am not too high a level, but I have got to the point where I know 92% of the game mechanics. It is about farming, not competing against other players.

This is Empire Earth. Here my computer opponent is trying to do a Donald Trump (building walls) until my tank came and shot up the villager. But the computer cheats in Random Map, so it can always rewall, until you exterminate every town centre and every villager. It gets unlimited resources.

So yeah, these are my games. God bless you. What games do you play, oh reader?


What makes you most anxious?

What makes me most anxious? Probably when somebody is sick beside me. Not that it has happened before, as I avoid bars and nightclubs.

Other things make me anxious such as being late for an appointment, ie with the dentist, doctor or psychiatrist.

I guess even going out would make me anxious, as I have a fear of violence, so I’m afraid of the kids who do drugs.

So yeah, I think those things make me anxious. What things make you anxious, oh reader? Comment below!

The Veronicas

I used to listen to the song ‘when it all falls apart’ by the Veronicas when I was a patient at the Child Youth Mental Health Service in Brisbane, back in the old Mater Hospital, before it was renovated. This is back in 2007. It was a very lonely time. My mental health was slowly getting worse and worse.

Apparently the song lyrics in the chorus starts off as ‘everything is F***ed up, straight from the heart,’ but I thought the lyrics were ‘everything is left up, straight from the heart.’ What a surprise when I found the song to have offensive swearing in it! Oh well.

I miss those times, when I was better off not on medication. I do not like taking medication. But now I’m on depot injections. I really wish I didn’t need so much meds.

I am going into the General Practice in an hour’s time, to get my depot. Wish me luck, friends.

In memory of old games

This is a picture of a game I used to play. Unreal Tournament Game of the Year Edition. This is a capture the flag map called ‘facing worlds.’

I have Unreal Tournament 2004, but I don’t play it often. I am not addicted to it. My younger cousin plays Fort Knight a lot. He is 16, but his dopamine system works apparently. Mine doesn’t. That’s why I can not sit for hours in front of a computer playing games.

This is in memorium of an old game. It is a mod for UT GOTY edition called Operation Na Pali.

I pulled both these images from google image search. I just do not bother to download these games and mods from their respective sites where they are available.

I miss how I enjoyed games. I miss how I used to be non-mentally ill. That’s a word now.

The holy spirit

The Holy Spirit, how it departed from me!
Oh, how it wanted to be free
Of my raging insanity, of my hypocritical demeanour
Of my burning hatred, for all there is and more

I wish he’d come back, I wish I could call Him
But He has departed hence, the chances are slim
That He’d remember me, that I could save my soul
Life is all very cold.

Concerning my videos

I don’t upload much because I have a low opinion of how I look. My self-image is not good.

I do have lowered self-esteem, because of some distant memory of how somebody treated me in the past, but it teaches me mercifulness and humility.

I am glad I have a few things to do. I’m also glad I have 2 working toilets for my 3 family members.

I feel only a little bit depressed. I am due to take my anti-depressants this morning.

God bless you all. This is my other musing. Or one of my musings.

A musing of Mr Keai

Life is a struggle. I do not think it will get any easier. The Lord taught His disciples how to pray. Jesus gives us tough lessons.

Life is meant to be challenging. We do not have problems, we only have continual challenges. But sometimes our challenges feel like hardships. I wish it were not so.

Now to cope with life, you must have patience. Practice yoga or tai chi, or mindfulness or deep breathing or gentle stretches. Even though I practice these, I do not feel any better.

We must try to forgive, even just a little. Therefore, try to view enemies from the perspective of someone else. Other people’s battles are irrelevant to those not suffering them. Try to take on the larger perspective. Try not to get upset.

To be bible believing, we must forgive, as Jesus said ‘forgive, so your heavenly father may in turn forgive you.’ Jesus also said ‘love your enemies.’ So we must try to apply as much of the bible to our lives. Our sins are massive compared to the faults others have inflicted on us.

Try to find some purpose to your life. Write. Draw. Do yoga. Meditate. Whatever feels good. Jesus will try to show us mercy, but only if we obey Him. Jesus said ‘If you love me, keep my commandments.’ Jesus also said ‘Be ye perfect, as your Father in heaven is perfect.’ Jesus interceded for His enemies on the cross, saying ‘Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.’